but not im much more in line now, and i think i just might be able to handle it.
More than likely you'll just get depressed again if you couldn't handle it to begin with.
Virtually everyone I know who was heavily into drugs then took a break to regain some control in their lives would go back. They'd say they were more in control. The only thing I ever noticed was that the all limited what types of drugs they were using down to either stimulants and depressants, not drugs that really changed the way you think. I've done this myself. In my case, I truly couldn't handle blowing my mind anymore, so I opt for drugs that I can function normally on like painkillers. And for as much as my friends deny not being able to handle it, I totally believe they're just in denial. Some of them have later admitted that was the case.
If you lost control before not being able to moderate your use and you couldn't keep your feet on the ground, more than likely you've got an addictive personality. Not because you lost control, but because you're trying to rationalize resuming regular drug use while convincing yourself this time it's not going to hurt you. You may be able to exhibit more restraint and remain more functional. You may even never have problems from your drug use again. It is probably more likely that you'll avoid some of the problems you had before but develop new ones.
Now, about an addictive personality. All this means is you have some compulsive desire to use drugs. It can be any drug or drugs. It doesn't mean you're the person who uses every day or you're the kind of person that pawns off all his belongs. It just means that in some way you're kind of chained to drugs and you will use them at some sort of regular intervals throughout your life, or you'll have the desire when you're not using. I definantly have this personality. I have a compulsive relationship with drugs. Most of my friends can use drugs and it's not a big deal. If I use something, I want to do it over and over and over. I have a huge addiction to oxycodone. But I can go weeks or months without it. I don't die. I don't go through withdrawal. I don't even use very large doses after 7 years. But I always go back to it. It's a part of my life. It doesn't neccessarily interfere with anything. It's just what I do. The rest of my compulsions involving drugs I deal with largely by reading about them or doing things like regularly reading and posting on drug-related boards like Bluelight. And I'm not saying you're going to be exactly like me or anything. The thing that really makes me believe in your short post that you have an addictive personality is the fact that you used drugs before regularly, they overwhelmed you, you're reassuring and convincing yourself you can handle it this time as if you were baseball player telling himself he can hit a homerun next time up, and the fact that you're not contemplating just getting high one time but implying that you want to use on some sort of regular basis over some period of time.
Try giving yourself a truly honest self-evaluation. Try to understand why you got into drugs in the first place. Understand what you got out of them. And I know this one is hard because nobody ever wants to admit something they like is hurting them, but really figure out how much the drugs were contributing to the problems you had. Understand exactly why you want to use drugs again. You're obviously looking to drugs to find something, whether it be escape or answers. If you know what role drugs play in your life, you'll do a much better job at remaining functional and have a better chance at avoiding problems related to your use. When you start contemplating all this, again, be completely honest with yourself. Don't justify things because you don't want to admit to your own shortcomings. Everyone has shortcomings, it's normal, it's okay, you just have to learn how to deal with them and not let them interfere with your goals in life and your relationships with other people.
In the end, the only way you're going to know if you can handle it this time or not is to find out by using again.
And I'm sure I came off sounding like an arrogant know-it-all in this post. I'm really not trying to be. I could be completely wrong in my assumptions for all I know.
