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Bluelighter
way to be there!
keep us posted....
we may not be responding, but we are still reading!
-physix
keep us posted....
we may not be responding, but we are still reading!
-physix
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Life Advice & Visual Arts
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules 🌌 Share Your Dreams! 🌌 📸 15 Years of Photo Contests 📸 -
LAVA Moderator: Shinji Ikari
Starting all over again......
- Thread starter Lemon_Electric
- Start date
- Status
Lemon_Electric
Bluelighter
No more shrink sessions!
flying solo now!!!
come fly with me, come fly, lets fly away.........
*checks parachute*
flying solo now!!!
come fly with me, come fly, lets fly away.........
*checks parachute*
Lemon_Electric
Bluelighter
Hi all
I'm not sure if anyone reads this thread anymore but to be honest, it doesn't really matter. It's kinda like keeping an on-line diary, a way of keeping check on myself and the thought processes flying through my head, at particular times.
Anyway..............I've had a slight hic-up in the healing process the proverbial wet fish slapped in my face *S*
It was kinda like someone switching off my bright light momentarily.........not for long but long enough it remind me of that lonely dark place depression takes you and keeps you, if you let it.
I saw the signs, I was able to recognise the beginnings of an destructive situation that really should not have taken place. I was being over emotional and slightly erratic but I wasn't able to control it..............someone had buttered my rails and I was starting to slide off. Kinda like the feeling you get when you're a passenger in a car and it's going too fast, you keep putting your foot on the (imaginary) brake but you've no control, you know?
It's probably a good thing this happened. It's reminded me how easy it is to fall back down the rabbit hole, much easier than I ever expected.
I'm not on meds anymore and the first thing to enter my head last might was 'oh God, I need to take my pill' and that was even scarier than the realisation that depression lurks in the darkest corners of the mind, playing on your insecurities, every chance it gets.
I'm in a huge transitional period of my life right now, I dont recognise the person I used to be (before depression) but I'm also struggling to understand who the person staring back from the mirror is. I'm older, slightly wiser and stronger for coming out the other side but I question myself more now than I ever did. Somethings missing................there's something else, something so big it'll give birth to the adult me.
So, I've decided, come January 2003 I'm off travelling. I'm packing as little as possible and I'm going on an adventure!!! My BF nearly fell off his chair last night when I spat that one out........he's been trying to get me to do it for the last 12 months. I was never ready! I think I could be ready now! I dont want to wake up one morning and regret the things I haven't done, isn't it better to regret the things you have? You have to take a chance in life sooner or later and my later cards just popped up!
It's not about life after depression, it's about living with depression..........I never knew.
To all of you that have read and responded to my rambling's.............from the bottom of my heart, thank you!
Clo
[ 07 November 2002: Message edited by: Lemon_Electric ]
I'm not sure if anyone reads this thread anymore but to be honest, it doesn't really matter. It's kinda like keeping an on-line diary, a way of keeping check on myself and the thought processes flying through my head, at particular times.
Anyway..............I've had a slight hic-up in the healing process the proverbial wet fish slapped in my face *S*
It was kinda like someone switching off my bright light momentarily.........not for long but long enough it remind me of that lonely dark place depression takes you and keeps you, if you let it.
I saw the signs, I was able to recognise the beginnings of an destructive situation that really should not have taken place. I was being over emotional and slightly erratic but I wasn't able to control it..............someone had buttered my rails and I was starting to slide off. Kinda like the feeling you get when you're a passenger in a car and it's going too fast, you keep putting your foot on the (imaginary) brake but you've no control, you know?
It's probably a good thing this happened. It's reminded me how easy it is to fall back down the rabbit hole, much easier than I ever expected.
I'm not on meds anymore and the first thing to enter my head last might was 'oh God, I need to take my pill' and that was even scarier than the realisation that depression lurks in the darkest corners of the mind, playing on your insecurities, every chance it gets.
I'm in a huge transitional period of my life right now, I dont recognise the person I used to be (before depression) but I'm also struggling to understand who the person staring back from the mirror is. I'm older, slightly wiser and stronger for coming out the other side but I question myself more now than I ever did. Somethings missing................there's something else, something so big it'll give birth to the adult me.
So, I've decided, come January 2003 I'm off travelling. I'm packing as little as possible and I'm going on an adventure!!! My BF nearly fell off his chair last night when I spat that one out........he's been trying to get me to do it for the last 12 months. I was never ready! I think I could be ready now! I dont want to wake up one morning and regret the things I haven't done, isn't it better to regret the things you have? You have to take a chance in life sooner or later and my later cards just popped up!
It's not about life after depression, it's about living with depression..........I never knew.
To all of you that have read and responded to my rambling's.............from the bottom of my heart, thank you!
Clo
[ 07 November 2002: Message edited by: Lemon_Electric ]
Hey sweetie - ur a real fighter!
I know what u feel when u say ur on an up - that for once there seems like theres hope, that theres a huge world out there waiting to be explored, that anything is possible and that all of this is on your doorstep and u can take that leap and achieve anything you dream off. I also know what you mean by the depression creeping back - but all you have to do is look how far youve come, how much better you have become and try your best to not let the depression rule your life. I cant say that eventually this feeling will ever go away - what i will say is that your a fighter, when we lose someone thats our only alternative besides death itself -to FIGHT- we have to live fighting each day, struggling but in the end becoming stronger and reaching that light at the end of the tunnel - and you will reach it, I have faith in you, Im sure every BL on here has that same faith.
Goodluck with your travelling, something I have always wanted to do and will, but am putting another dream first. However remember that this is not the solution to your probs- it will be very theraputic though - Have Fun gal and go live your life !
Lotsa Lurv
Charls
I know what u feel when u say ur on an up - that for once there seems like theres hope, that theres a huge world out there waiting to be explored, that anything is possible and that all of this is on your doorstep and u can take that leap and achieve anything you dream off. I also know what you mean by the depression creeping back - but all you have to do is look how far youve come, how much better you have become and try your best to not let the depression rule your life. I cant say that eventually this feeling will ever go away - what i will say is that your a fighter, when we lose someone thats our only alternative besides death itself -to FIGHT- we have to live fighting each day, struggling but in the end becoming stronger and reaching that light at the end of the tunnel - and you will reach it, I have faith in you, Im sure every BL on here has that same faith.
Goodluck with your travelling, something I have always wanted to do and will, but am putting another dream first. However remember that this is not the solution to your probs- it will be very theraputic though - Have Fun gal and go live your life !
Lotsa Lurv
Charls
mtbboy
Bluelighter
Hey LE
I know you seem to post here more for your own sanity than anything else, and thats wonderful, but I want to say please keep it up as it does really help others.
Even people like me who've never suffered from depression ! I found your posts for the first time today and they are a remarkable insight into what depression can feel like.
One of my best friends is dealing with losing both her brother and his wife, in a car crash, about a year ago. This friend has been on the other side of the planet until recently trying to deal with it with only her husbands close support, she is a very determined individual, but she is really really down a hell of a lot of the time. She was very very close to her brother.
My friend is back home now and I am have become one of her closest 'supporters' - I am often her shoulder to cry on or the person she calls when she can't take it anymore. I tend to see and have to try and deal with the worst or lowest parts of her feelings - which she is trying to keep from her husband as she thinks he has provided so much in the last year she cannot ask their relationship to take on everything. (he is really a great guy but every relationship has its breaking point...)
I have been understanding some of what she is going thru as my dad was killed in an accident when I was 15 (I'm 30 now) - but the depressed aspects of how she is are harder to understand for me. I dealt with my loss by using it as something to drive me harder in life - to spur me on rather than bum me out - it was no less healthy in the long run but I've come to terms with that now.
Anyway my whole point is that thru your posts I am gaining more of an understanding of whats happening with her... personally I understand her loss but I only have a very small inkling of what her depression is like - so keep it up please.
I was particularly amazed about your revelation that you're not looking for life after depression, but rather living life with depression - man that takes guts to think about and acknowledge...
As I say I don't really comprehend depression all that well, so I'm not sure how I'd offer you support - which after reading your postings I want to.
But please take this with you - You are a very brave and couragous person to stand up and take ownership of your life and the depression - you have certainly won my complete respect...
Keep posting and keep helping me, and no doubt others, to try and learn about this terrible thing.
I know you seem to post here more for your own sanity than anything else, and thats wonderful, but I want to say please keep it up as it does really help others.
Even people like me who've never suffered from depression ! I found your posts for the first time today and they are a remarkable insight into what depression can feel like.
One of my best friends is dealing with losing both her brother and his wife, in a car crash, about a year ago. This friend has been on the other side of the planet until recently trying to deal with it with only her husbands close support, she is a very determined individual, but she is really really down a hell of a lot of the time. She was very very close to her brother.
My friend is back home now and I am have become one of her closest 'supporters' - I am often her shoulder to cry on or the person she calls when she can't take it anymore. I tend to see and have to try and deal with the worst or lowest parts of her feelings - which she is trying to keep from her husband as she thinks he has provided so much in the last year she cannot ask their relationship to take on everything. (he is really a great guy but every relationship has its breaking point...)
I have been understanding some of what she is going thru as my dad was killed in an accident when I was 15 (I'm 30 now) - but the depressed aspects of how she is are harder to understand for me. I dealt with my loss by using it as something to drive me harder in life - to spur me on rather than bum me out - it was no less healthy in the long run but I've come to terms with that now.
Anyway my whole point is that thru your posts I am gaining more of an understanding of whats happening with her... personally I understand her loss but I only have a very small inkling of what her depression is like - so keep it up please.
I was particularly amazed about your revelation that you're not looking for life after depression, but rather living life with depression - man that takes guts to think about and acknowledge...
As I say I don't really comprehend depression all that well, so I'm not sure how I'd offer you support - which after reading your postings I want to.
But please take this with you - You are a very brave and couragous person to stand up and take ownership of your life and the depression - you have certainly won my complete respect...
Keep posting and keep helping me, and no doubt others, to try and learn about this terrible thing.
Lemon_Electric
Bluelighter
Although I post for my own sanity I could really do with some responses at this stage. Please enlighten!!!!!
Lemon_Electric
Bluelighter
Dear Diary
I have discovered that if you wan to be happy you can lift you mood by really trying!
Think happy thoughts, be true to yourself, your opinion matters (to you) dont let anyone else put you down!!!!
*sigh*
feel'in better already!
Lemon
I have discovered that if you wan to be happy you can lift you mood by really trying!
Think happy thoughts, be true to yourself, your opinion matters (to you) dont let anyone else put you down!!!!
*sigh*
feel'in better already!
Lemon
Lemon_Electric
Bluelighter
It's a constant battle!
im happy for you lemon, i think its great that you're seeing results from your new plan for your life, don't worry about sounding like a cliche, life gets to be like spring cleaning, sometimes the old needs to be thrown out, or changed to make way for the new, a vibrant feeling after its done, thats the way you feel now. i wish you all the best and i hope the good stuff lasts a long time.
God knows i'm still on the road to recovery from my marriage falling apart, but like you i made some decisions that are gonna point me in the right direction... keep up the good work
God knows i'm still on the road to recovery from my marriage falling apart, but like you i made some decisions that are gonna point me in the right direction... keep up the good work
Lemon_Electric
Bluelighter
*CHRISTMAS POST*
well made it to Christmas without too much hassle, I wont be sorry to see the back of 2002 but it's a brand new spanking clean slate for 2003!! Infact the balls already rolling.....
I'll let you all know what the plans are at the beginning of the year (well for those that actually read or have read this)
Merry Christmas Bluelighters and a very happy New Year!!!!!!
*puckers up under the misteltoe*
well made it to Christmas without too much hassle, I wont be sorry to see the back of 2002 but it's a brand new spanking clean slate for 2003!! Infact the balls already rolling.....
I'll let you all know what the plans are at the beginning of the year (well for those that actually read or have read this)
Merry Christmas Bluelighters and a very happy New Year!!!!!!
*puckers up under the misteltoe*
Lemon_Electric
Bluelighter
January 2003 has come and gone and I haven't had a day where I was truely depressed. Yeah, blue on occassions but thats not depression. Maybe I've kicked the habit...............*wink*
insearchofpeace
Bluelighter
Lemon~
I don't think that taking antidepressant meds is admitting defeat. If you need them, take them. Life is too short to go through it in tears. I go through periods when I don't need them. But, at the first sign of that downward spiral, I run to the medicine cabinet! It's so great to hear you're doing so well.
~Missy
I don't think that taking antidepressant meds is admitting defeat. If you need them, take them. Life is too short to go through it in tears. I go through periods when I don't need them. But, at the first sign of that downward spiral, I run to the medicine cabinet! It's so great to hear you're doing so well.
~Missy
Lemon_Electric
Bluelighter
Inserachofpeace
thanks for your reply. If you read my earlier posts you'll see that I was in fact on SSRI's for a time. The reason I came off them was 1) I didn't feeling I needed them as much and 2) because they totally dulled all of my emotions which lead me to wonder why infact I was on them at all and I could'nt communicate to my counsellor the reasons that had lead me there.
Personally, I found that working through things without the aid of anti-depressants was the way forward for me. Now, when things get a little rocky, I dont reach 'for the medicine cabinet' I work things out for myself. It would'nt suit everyone but it certainly suits me!!!!
Lemon
[ 04 February 2003: Message edited by: Lemon_Electric ]
thanks for your reply. If you read my earlier posts you'll see that I was in fact on SSRI's for a time. The reason I came off them was 1) I didn't feeling I needed them as much and 2) because they totally dulled all of my emotions which lead me to wonder why infact I was on them at all and I could'nt communicate to my counsellor the reasons that had lead me there.
Personally, I found that working through things without the aid of anti-depressants was the way forward for me. Now, when things get a little rocky, I dont reach 'for the medicine cabinet' I work things out for myself. It would'nt suit everyone but it certainly suits me!!!!
Lemon
[ 04 February 2003: Message edited by: Lemon_Electric ]
Lemon_Electric
Bluelighter
Do you want to explain the above post Noodle.........or did I just catch you on a 'blonde moment'??
In fact why dont you keep your sarcasic remarks to the Lounge or better still, yourself. Knob!!!!
Lemon
[ 04 February 2003: Message edited by: Lemon_Electric ]
[ 04 February 2003: Message edited by: Lemon_Electric ]
In fact why dont you keep your sarcasic remarks to the Lounge or better still, yourself. Knob!!!!
Lemon
[ 04 February 2003: Message edited by: Lemon_Electric ]
[ 04 February 2003: Message edited by: Lemon_Electric ]
insearchofpeace
Bluelighter
Lemon~
So true. I guess it depends on whether your issues are resolvable or not. Most of mine aren't, so it does me no good to work through them because I never get anywhere. I have heard others complain about SSRI's robbing them of their emotions, but I don't notice them doing that to me. They just make me stop crying every day and allow me to see the positive side of life.
Here's to healthy mentations!
~Missy
So true. I guess it depends on whether your issues are resolvable or not. Most of mine aren't, so it does me no good to work through them because I never get anywhere. I have heard others complain about SSRI's robbing them of their emotions, but I don't notice them doing that to me. They just make me stop crying every day and allow me to see the positive side of life.
Here's to healthy mentations!
~Missy
Lemon_Electric
Bluelighter
I still dont get the meaning behind your post Noodle!
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