ugh, my bones ache.
after three weeks of stabilizing at 8mgs of suboxone a day and feeling nothing but 'normal', and with my birthday just days ahead (well it's tomorrow) I decided two days ahead that I would drastically reduce my dose so that tomorrow, monday the 7th, I might achieve some type of 'buzz' off bupe, which IS possible, but takes a lot of work and effort. I used to easily be able to go 48-56 hours without subs (granted back then, years ago I was also on 16mg), and then take my regular dose and be nodding all day. Nowadays though I just don't have the power to skip days, it's so fucking bland around here. I look out my window and am greeted by 1 story houses and paved driveways as far as the eye can see. The midwest I fear is not my scene, granted things would be better if I had a car, or a bicycle, but I don't.
So what I did was I waited until I was just bored to death on saturday and took 2mg of suboxone, and then today waited till I was bored to death to take .5mg of suboxone, then about 7 hours later I started feeling some soreness, runny nose (I've been on subs for a little less than three weeks), mild withdrawal symptoms etc. Took another .5mg though I had company over so I basically just swished it around in my mouth for a minute and probably absorbed it as if I had just swallowed it. I felt fuck all from both of these doses and regretted taking any sub at all today.
The plan is to take 2mg tomorrow or maybe four to see if I can get a little glow out of it, but when I'm in these situations I start to get neurotic over my dosing, it's like I get obsessed with forcing myself to suffer through withdrawals with the goal of being able to get high, but then I'm scared to take a higher dose cause I think it won't work, and the truth is it probably won't (or if it does give me a slight lift, I then regret not waiting a few more days of micro-dosing). I haven't gotten proper euphoria off of opiates for a long time. The whole thing is so fucking dumb though and this is what I hate about suboxone maintenance or any maintenance at all that isn't heroin maintenance lol. And shit, even heroin doesn't get me high like it used to, it hasn't in years, plus I'm basically trapped inside a house.
Anyway, I also am going to start going to an outpatient program this week, sadly enough this will probably result in my downfall. I've been watching season one of True Detective, which is one of the most well written and beautiful television shows that I've ever seen. Theres a part where they're interviewing Detective Cohle (Mathew McConneghie) and he's talking about his alcoholism and he says something like "I've come to accept what I am, and there's a certain peace in that", which was incredibly powerful to me because that's exactly how I feel and have felt for so fucking long. I'm a heroin addict. I'm also many other things I suppose you can say, but sometimes surrendering to ones addiction is so alleviating, you don't have to live in denial, you don't have to struggle with your cravings, with your purpose, you just succumb to it like they tell you to succumb to God in the twelve step programs, but I've never known a God other than smack unfortunately.
I wish I had some crystal so bad, I can make beautiful things on crystal (not talking about cum, I gave up porn years ago), I can also have extreme paranoid delusions, but never mind all that, I just want some shard, tina, tweak, Goddess of Amphetamine-give me an immaculate birthday high I beg of you!
after three weeks of stabilizing at 8mgs of suboxone a day and feeling nothing but 'normal', and with my birthday just days ahead (well it's tomorrow) I decided two days ahead that I would drastically reduce my dose so that tomorrow, monday the 7th, I might achieve some type of 'buzz' off bupe, which IS possible, but takes a lot of work and effort. I used to easily be able to go 48-56 hours without subs (granted back then, years ago I was also on 16mg), and then take my regular dose and be nodding all day. Nowadays though I just don't have the power to skip days, it's so fucking bland around here. I look out my window and am greeted by 1 story houses and paved driveways as far as the eye can see. The midwest I fear is not my scene, granted things would be better if I had a car, or a bicycle, but I don't.
So what I did was I waited until I was just bored to death on saturday and took 2mg of suboxone, and then today waited till I was bored to death to take .5mg of suboxone, then about 7 hours later I started feeling some soreness, runny nose (I've been on subs for a little less than three weeks), mild withdrawal symptoms etc. Took another .5mg though I had company over so I basically just swished it around in my mouth for a minute and probably absorbed it as if I had just swallowed it. I felt fuck all from both of these doses and regretted taking any sub at all today.
The plan is to take 2mg tomorrow or maybe four to see if I can get a little glow out of it, but when I'm in these situations I start to get neurotic over my dosing, it's like I get obsessed with forcing myself to suffer through withdrawals with the goal of being able to get high, but then I'm scared to take a higher dose cause I think it won't work, and the truth is it probably won't (or if it does give me a slight lift, I then regret not waiting a few more days of micro-dosing). I haven't gotten proper euphoria off of opiates for a long time. The whole thing is so fucking dumb though and this is what I hate about suboxone maintenance or any maintenance at all that isn't heroin maintenance lol. And shit, even heroin doesn't get me high like it used to, it hasn't in years, plus I'm basically trapped inside a house.
Anyway, I also am going to start going to an outpatient program this week, sadly enough this will probably result in my downfall. I've been watching season one of True Detective, which is one of the most well written and beautiful television shows that I've ever seen. Theres a part where they're interviewing Detective Cohle (Mathew McConneghie) and he's talking about his alcoholism and he says something like "I've come to accept what I am, and there's a certain peace in that", which was incredibly powerful to me because that's exactly how I feel and have felt for so fucking long. I'm a heroin addict. I'm also many other things I suppose you can say, but sometimes surrendering to ones addiction is so alleviating, you don't have to live in denial, you don't have to struggle with your cravings, with your purpose, you just succumb to it like they tell you to succumb to God in the twelve step programs, but I've never known a God other than smack unfortunately.
I wish I had some crystal so bad, I can make beautiful things on crystal (not talking about cum, I gave up porn years ago), I can also have extreme paranoid delusions, but never mind all that, I just want some shard, tina, tweak, Goddess of Amphetamine-give me an immaculate birthday high I beg of you!
