Spirit-sapping daily mantra

[dhcdavid]

Dear Fellow TDS peeps,

This is a longish post so please don't feel you have to read the whole darned thing but I really wanted to lay it out as plainly and as clearly as I was able so that you understood the whole picture and could then. hopefully, offer me some advice, because I'm truly lost.

I could really use some constructive thoughts, advice, ideas and, if need be, criticisim.

Firstly, I send my love and prayers to anyone of you out there struggling with something seemingly impossible to deal with - believe I'm here suffering too and really know and understand that awful painof feeling trapped and impotent.... powerless to act and improve one's situation, even with folk surrounding you just shouting "pull your socks up and just get on wih it" - as if the main barrier between your suffering and the promised land happiness is simply you no trying hard enough to be happy.

My problem: several mornings each week (average 3, sometimes EVERY morning, occasionally 2 mornings) when I'm up from my bed and heading to the coffee machine or waiting for the coffee to brew I wander round aimlessly repeating the following mantra over and over and over again:

"I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life."


I also awake most nights from horrible nightmares/flashbacks which always have me transported back to when I was being sexually abused and raped 18 years ago........and find myself whispering over and over and over again:

"I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life."



AT present I'm blessed enough to be seeing a counsellor on a weekly basis (for a course of 12 x 1hr sesssions, paid for my my church Diocese as blood money to ease their collective conscience for failing to see I was being sexually abused years ago by one of their own priests and, even worse, failing to inform the police once they DID know) and although we go over a lot of stuff each week I can't stop saying the aforementioned self-destructive mantra.

Problem being that I TRULY DO hate my life.

I'm stuck in a prescription merry-go-round of high dose fentanyl, oxynorm and diazepam - which get refilled on a fortnightly basis (all prescirbed for a progressive and extremely painful form of arthritis whic afflicts young(ish guys like myself of 33.). A veritable GIANT of a gorilla on my back.

For years I've been battling to reduce to nothing my non-prescribed benzos and have finally succeeded but my gf found a scribbled wishlist (which was nothing more.....just some cravings scribbled down on a scrap of paper and shoved into my wallet where | forgot about it)...... and she's now gonna leave me over it.

Due to a posession of Class C drugs (benzos) on my record in 2006 which I was cautioned for.....

(to my friends in the U.S. Class C is the least serious class of drugs and I didn't even have to appear in court: just got interviewed and warned not to do it again hence the "caution"...... in the States - correct me if a wrong - but I think that would be misdemeanour possession which would get expunged from my record after a while.... is that correct?)..........

.........It's next to impossible now for me to find work in the teaching profession here in the U.K. for which I'm qualified and have trained and have several years experience in the classroom....... due to the extremely stringent checks which schools - correctly in my opinion, believe it or not because it catches those scumbag paedos trying to get hemselves into the classroom around kids - now have to conduct these days on any teacher applying for work at ANY school in the UK.

So basically I'm 33: with a 2:1 BA Hons in English Lit and Spanish; a Post-Grad teaching qualification in Secondary (High-School) English and 3 years teaching experience in Sweden, Scotland and England.

Furthermore, I've weaned myself clean (with help from GA) from a 20 year-long gambling habit; did away with a daily 3-year long strong benzo addiction (thing 20mg of clonazepam and up to 10mg of alprzolam daily...... I had two tonic-clonic seizures directly related to said habit and still can't believe I'm not six foot under) and am currently trying to come to terms with the 18-month long period of sexual abuse I endured when I was 16.... the legacy of which has caused several serious suicide attempts over the years.

I'm currently seeing a counsellor on a weekly basis for 12 sessions and have three sessions with a slinical psychiatrsit who specialises in male sexual abuse survivors to look forward to.

BUT I STILL WANT TO DIE.

The mirtazapine and duloxetine don't do shit for my spirit-crushing, life-sapping depression; my one remaining disciple [i.e.my beloved girlfriend who's been with me for 22 months] (please understand that term was written tongue in cheek) is leaving me, I think in search for a lower-maintenance boyfriend (my words... but I doubt if she'd argue too much if she read them)

and very soon I'll be alone.

I can't return to my parents' house (even if they'd have me it'd be unfair to impose further on them after everything they've tried to help me with over the years), can't go to my big brother's (his gf hates me and, as with my parents, I've already imposed on him way too much over the years) and have no other real friends in the UK.

Please help me.

Without improvement I'm fairly certain I'm going to off myself within the next 2 to 3 weeks. I'm tired, so tired, of fighting against the tide and can't take much more.

Any thoughts?

Much love,

DhcDavid

 

[skillet]

I think a caution is cleared from your record after 5 years (which must be within a year right?), though after a bit of searching I'm not really sure. From http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Law/Criminal/Question324852.html:

However, people who are specifically asked if they have cautions, reprimands or final warnings should disclose them until they are deleted from police records. Records of cautions should be deleted after five years if there are no convictions on the record. (In practice, some police forces may retain records of cautions for much longer than this or indefinitely.)

It's crazy to stop you from teaching because you got caught years ago with some valium, hopefully your record is cleared completely soon. In the meantime maybe you could get a job teaching adults, or something completely different. I just think it would help if you had something to do and feel worthwhile about, which you should - it sounds like you have a lot to offer.

Best wishes.

 

[AndroidsDreamofBTC]

I think you should try and find some sort of job suitable for your academic qualifications. Perhaps you might consider moving to another country to teach in the international schools there?

I studied in an international school in Moscow and I am pretty sure that their recruitment policies didn't involve checking the UK database. The teachers would send in their CV, if the HR people liked what they saw, they would organize interviews in the UK and if that went well they would hire them.

Our teachers would usually live in one country for a few years and then move on to another international school in a different country. Some teachers really liked Russia and married Russian partners and settled down in Russia.

This is just a suggestion. I understand that moving to another country is a pretty big decision. However, if done right, you can have a great time and change your life for the better.

Feel free to ask any questions in this thread or me PM. Best of luck!

 

[attempt4]

Hey there,

Alot of people have had to endure some unimaginably horrible situations in life and some grow from it, some cave and end it all and some live in a state of nothingness for the rest of their days.

My first bit of advice would be to stop and think for 2 seconds.

You have an intelligent mind.
You have fantastically impressive qualifications.
You have some fantastic inner strength to have got through life to this point.

You are merely having a momentary lapse in self-worth due to a slight upheaval of your life.
Your girlfriend may leave you but as much as you feel you have no direction at the moment, you have to utilize your skills (of which there are many, you are a very skilled man) and realise that this is merely the beginnning of your life.

You endured some horrific abuse as a youngster (I know how that feels....i didnt experience sexual abuse, physically abusive alcoholic father and alcoholic mother) but you have the strength in you to overcome this.

We all have low days, but just take it as that. Just a day.

Focus on moving elsewhere. It sounds like you need an upheaval of your life, tbh.
Have you looked into TEFL? Moving to another country, Thailand/Malaysia or anywhere and teaching english.

Its something you should talk over with your counsellor. You dont want to do this in an escapist fashion, because we all know we cant run from our problems.

Its something to think about....your routine here in the UK is causing you grief and you dont deserve to feel that way.

I wish i lived in England (im assuming you live there) so we could get a pint and talk in person!

It sounds pathetic, but you are not alone. I may just appear to be a username producing words, but there are real people at the end of these computers...real people who can help, real people who do care.

 

[MeddieFrac]

Hey I don't really have anything constructive for ya, I just wanted to say that I have like the exact same problem. I find myself repeating "I wish I were dead, I wish I were dead, I wish I were dead..." quite often every day, and I can't help it but I sort of plan out how I am going to kill myself (don't know if I'm actually going to do it, but I really might because I am in a lot of depression pain.)

I am also doing alot of roxicodone; I've spent like 10,000$ of savings this year on mostly roxicodone but also various other drugs. SO, don't really know what to tell ya but I know what you're goin' through.

I also pushed away my girlfriend when I was going through really bad Xanax and Oxycontin withdrawal, and now she is gone for good, which really sucks. Wish I had never done drugs, but they are the only source of pleasure in my life ATM.

 

[attempt4]

Whatever you tell yourself in your mind, then you will only exacerbate and amplify in yourself.

If you keep saying "I want to die" etc then nothing good will ever come out of your situation.

Every time you feel a negative thought rise up, repeat over and over to yourself, (the best time to repeat an affirmation is upon awakening and just before bed...but whenever you feel they are most effective really) a positive affirmation.

Mantras are actually quite fascinating....i found practicing Mantra Japa to be very effective in quashing a negative loop.

 

[ocean]

^I agree with this.

I started doing positive thinking in the mornings a month or so ago and it was really helping me.

 

[Asclepius]

Am so sorry to hear that you suffered this Abuse but glad your here to tell the tale that your trying to get through it! My Mother was Sexually abused by a Sibling so I have secondhand Experience of the devastation it can cause to someones life and well-being.
With the Mantra problem, do you really Hate 'Your life' or do you Hate the actions of those who victimised you and sexually abused you?..Your obviously in alot of Emotional Pain and you need to honour the Truth of that pain and not direct your Anger at yourself or YOUR life.
I really am so Angry at this Evil shit the Abusers in the Clergy got away with and it saddens me deeply to think of how yourself and others have to deal with the fallout from the ignorance of those powers who cover up this travesty to humanity. Hun, I dont think there are any people who dont feel this way about clerical/child sex abuse.
Congratulations on kicking the Benzo's and Gambling Addiction, you can start your new Mantra's based on this, Secondly on your Amazing Strength of Spirit, Thirdly on your Talent and Intelligence, Fourthly on your Intellect and your Achievements, Fifthly, on your Courage to be alive, Struggling and fighting through all the confusion and for being open to help and trying to put your trust in others, and an Important Mantra would be one of Forgiveness and love to yourself- for all the times you blamed yourself, hurt yourself, hated yourself, turned your back on yourself.
Maybe getting in touch and even involved with a Survivors of Abuse Group might be healing for you?

Hope this might be of some help, stay strong and keep us posted
Wish you the best of luck, you certainly deserve it!

 

[dhcdavid]

Guys and Gals, THANKYOU!

Thankyou for taking the time out of your day to read my post and then respond to it.

TDS community contains some very wonderful people and I feel blessed that some of you have reached out and tried to help me.

Attempt4, ocean and Asclepius, I will honestly try to change the mantra I repeat to myself; I guess to be honest, I've never really tried repeating a positive mantra to myself before because I don't want to sound arrogant and full of it..... even to myself.

Also, because my self-confidence has been rock bottom for so long I haven't felt like I DESERVE to feel or be happy so that's another reason why I think I've stuck with the negative mantras.

Doesn't make any logical sense once you put the words down on paper or read them on a screen but that's how things are in my head.

 

[MeddieFrac]

So are you doing better today? Still have those negative words stuck in yer head?

Those negative thoughts can really turn yer spirit to sap, and muck up yer whole damn life!

Hope you're doing better!

Q's for you:

Do you drink coffee? Do you smoke cigs?

Also, Do you exercise?

 

[Asclepius]

^^Aww, pleasure! Really do admire ya tho for getting through this, surviving that trauma is truly heroic and its people like you that give others hope!

I know what you mean about feeling self-concious about the positive Mantras, and the very resistance to them shows the damage you have incurred, sure youve yer flaws like the rest of us, but you get to deal/discipline them slowly as life goes along anyway...BUT! Dont ever feel arrogant with yourself when your fending off the negative stuff within yourself, this is YOUR life your fighting for, you have to fill all the void with love for yourself and grattitude for yourself, (this is nothing to be ashamed of) within the context of the relationship with you and your spirit/mind and it will flow out on to others, so it's all Good Buddy! Fight all that hurt by honouring yourself. This situation of imbalance forced upon you in your life, that makes you suffer unduly, demands that you invite as much happiness/ love/ freedom into your existence to prop up the scales so that you can achieve the manageable, content beautiful sense of self that is natural; this is Your right hun, let no-one take that away from you,even yourself!

 

[dhcdavid]

MeddieFrac, from tomorrow I will try a positive mantra as soon as I hear myself saying the old destructive one. NO, I don't smoke cigs (gave up 8 days ago.....not long I know, but for me thatsa VERY long time so I'm quite chuffed with myself!), yes I do drink coffee and no I don't exercise.

Tbh, I don't own a car so walk everywhere fwiw but I'm not a member of a gym or suchlike. Are you going to sell me the benefits of exercise based on the happy endorphins that are released when one engages in exercise?

Asclepius, (what's behind your username? forgive my ignorance but is it Latin for something?) thankyou for your lovely post.
I promise to try not to feel so bad about loving myself and telling myself nice things.

You're inspirational and I feel happier just for reading your post! I send my love and thanks to you.

 

[Asclepius]

^
Click on link to find out more on Aesclepius , (although at your own risk, I love Ancient Mythology but can understand that many would rather have their eyes plucked out with a rusty Spoon than read this stuff so theres no obligation lol) In short, He was probably a Physician in Ancient Greece, he became worshipped as a God of healing.
Thanks for that David, glad it helped somewot, have had to work alot on myself so its not empty soothsaying, dont believe in BS'ing pple. Wish you the very best hun! Love and Thanks is much appreciated and right back at ya!

 

[NoPromiseMade]

A positive mantra actually helps I have been going through the whole repeating
"I want to fucking die" thing but today I've just been saying "I will be happy today" and it's warded off alot of those bad feelings. Thanks for this thread guys.