Spiriling downward

[EasyA]

My addiction started when being prescribed amphetamine at 15 before ever doing drugs. then came 5 years of experimentation, starting with marijuana, which was fun, made music better and sparked interests, but caused intense paranoia and anxiety that has made the drug hard to enjoy. alcoholism then took effect, being kicked out of home as a teen and drinking cheap beer daily to numb pain...


then opiates are discovered which make everything ok. they create a full personality, one who gets pleasure and uses this pleasure to have a greater outlook. but then when they are gone, I screw over friends. permanently scar relationships with family. break the law. hurt. hate. crave.

it just gets worse. scared to get tested because of so many random interactions. its all my fault and no one elses. get robbed, beat up, raped because of the people you allow yourself to associate with... is the feeling worth it yet? is the high worth it yet?

it's just gotten worse and i feel it's going to get worse before it gets better. family want's nothing to do with me. rehab ruins work and school. loans. debt..

I am a slave and need to get away. I just want a sign, a sign that theres hope but it hasn't come...

 

[thedawn]

I'm your sign,bro.
take it easy.
this is called the jumping off point.
you can now kick this shit and find the real life on the other side.
soon you will be free.

 

[Maya]

Hi EasyA welcome to Bluelight, first of of, you are only ruined if you think you are ruined. You have to change your perspective about yourself and as I have said on my other posts, we have the power to turn our lives around and no one else can better help us but ourselves.

First thing is to continue with your rehab. You have to think if your well being first before anything else. Focus on getting clean and finishing your recovery.

The next thing is to focus on your job and do other things like getting into a new hobby and avoid falling back into addiction as much as you can. As soon as you have cleaned yourself up and kicked off the habit, then it's time to patch up the relationship with your family. Once they see that you have done what you can to turn your life around, everything will slowly get better. It takes a lot of time but it's worth it. Goodluck OP.

 

[EasyA]

I can't go to rehab... I want to go to rehab but I have REsponsibilities that dropping would screw me... so now it's about trying to manage. thats what's so fucked about it that I was too stupid to realize.. go to rehab can't work, can't work can't pay rent, miss school, waste money. maybe wait till summer

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey EasyA.. welcome to Blue Light.. What do you think rehab will do for you when you go?

last august I kicked a 150mgpd methadone, 260mgpd roxy, 6 mgpd xan, and that just what I was prescribed.. before that I used allot harder for decades.. I'm still doing amazing and I am happier now than I have ever been in my entire life. I hope this provides you with a little glimmer of hope, as if I can do it anyone can.

What are you rolling on if you want to share..

What are you doing now to try and slip outta this life you find yourself in

 

[EasyA]

Wow, thats amazing! are you still "fu**ked up" now even after a year? I know people who've relapsed after years not saying thats you, but I just hope my actions will not have severe permanent effects

and I do anything I can get my hands on that's affordable and good but I recently made the switch to banging H because of the cheapness and availability. The same day I made this thread I informed my therapist of my habit and expressed how I felt I needed an inpatient. I was in withdrawal and IN CLASS and got out to go see her. I had gotten my script from psychiatrist earlier that day and didnt tell her anything, but therapist definitely tells psych and that mean's piss tests. I mess up on piss test's, no more script, even though I've been prescribed the drug for FIVE YEARS and have VIOLENT WITHDRAWALS without it where I make my friends and family despise me. but I had to tell some kind of professional of my use and it felt very good! the withdrawal is so terrible that it beat the high!

What I really need is to get away from EVERYTHING and not have ANY access to drugs for a few weeks. I've considered but never made action to basically DIP TOWN and not tell any of my friends (friends=drugs) and start a life in a different state! don't get me wrong, I don't believe in peer pressure for myself, I chose to get on dope and did dope because I thought it would be awesome (But now it's too awesome, and basically told me "You're my b*tch now), but associating myself with high people, even if they don't do it around me, even if they're people I love and like, is a huge trigger for me!

 

[neversickanymore]

The brain is extremely resilient.. contrary to we have been told.. the brain is like a muscle, if you have no noticeable severe issue right now all you have to do is work it out and since you are is school this would be the least of you worries.. just focus on the battle with the addiction.. here is a cool thread about aspects of this Hey I thought the grey matter of ADD could chew on this

 

[hunter1]

As this super global technology/ Orwellian nightmare keeps evolving our youth are getting to this point by 23. Not 40 or 27.

Rehabs no matter how good wont make serious change unless you really ready to accept that if you're at this point at your age... You and drugs are never going to work.

Arriving at this point so young is a good thing about society becoming more Inteligent At younger ages.

Gen X/Y it takes us to about 27 before we realize that this drug thing isn't working and then takes 0-5 years + if ever to make real change.

You're missing out on nothing by getting sober now, or at least start being objective and honest with yourself.

It's savable now. From your post, you've already hit the point where you'll either be dead in a few years or this just being a blemish in you're potentially very long happy life

 

[EasyA]

update: Still using more and more but functioning on a great social and academic level. Planning on going to inpatient after semester and moving back in with dad after proving I'm clean.

 

[thegent]

Hey EasyA, I really want to commend you for coming on here and posting so openly about trying to better yourself. That's the first step, and you have the awareness and initiative to make yourself better! Pat yourself on the back!

As for the drug use, what's your reason for using? We use to mask a pain, to run away. What's your story? Quitting drugs is one thing, but the root should be why did you use to begin with? If we rid ourselves of that unhappiness it eliminates a lot of the reason for wanting to run to begin with.

As for recovery, your health is the foundation for everything. Mentally and physically it takes time to heal, but this is when you talk to your parents heart to heart, tell them where you've messed up, and how you're trying to make yourself better. Don't try to carry the burden of the world on your back by yourself while doing this. There's a time in our lives where we all have to lean on someone else, and this is your time that you must request, and later you can give back with your personal success, which is all they want.

Exercise is INCREDIBLY important at this time. At the very least make sure you're going for walks. Try to get a little sweat going, it'll help your body heal faster.

Also, listen to some good audiobooks. Nourish your mind with positivity and start thinking about what your goals are. "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie is one of the most powerful books one can read/listen to.

You're in for a journey, my friend, but the result in the end is well worth it. Patience will be required.

thegent