Speeding Down the Dead End Road of Meth

Well here is a lil ramble about how things are that I had sent to someone. I hadn't planned on a blog but here is a lil something for anyone that MIGHT care (haha).

Honestly,
I think I'm already beyond hope. If I could find meth last night I would have put a needle in my arm. I woke up today and didn't realise that I had classes, I didn't go. I got totally drunk and psychotic and drunk last night. Screaming, laying on my friend's bathroom floor cutting and bleeding, going and laying out in the middle of the street so that someone would hit me and it would all be over. He threatened to call the cops so I got up and passed out.
I wasn't in my right mind. I have no idea about what came over me. Everclear is bad I guess. Funny thing is, he is still my friend, even after I tried to paint his walls with blood.


As for Sean, with drugs being more important, Sean may be gone due to thte fact that he feels I don't care or he isn't important enough. He doesn't know about the meth and if he did, I'd be alone in a heartbeat. Right now we are on a "break" because of this. I don't know if he will ever make it work. I actually had a friend tell me the other day that he just didn't see it working with us. That just KILL me, cause before all this Sean had seen us getting our own place together. There is a WHOLE lot of other issues in there and I don't even want to talk about. Sean has never said he loved me, but when it came up, he said he did the other night but I was too blacked out to remember.

I play a lot like everything if fine, but its not. I'm falling apart. I can't stand to be alive and be sober. If I don't have drugs that all I think about and thats all I want. I have even been thinking of ways of getting money, since I have none, to get money for drugs...what can I sell, what can I steal. I draw the line at selling myself (not that anyone would want me anyway) but I just can't do that to Sean. No one has money around here and I've lost the one contact that did and would get me high sometimes. I'm suicidal...and I have no one to turn to. I have so many issues going on and everyone is in the dark and want it to be that way! I want to be remembered and seen as the good sweet girl that people seem to think I am. Its my secret... Now I feel I can't even share here, because of this, because there are so many issues involved, because I fear I will be attacked and it will be worse, I fear that I will hurt others. But I don't want to blame BL for my problems or whatever. I can't even communicate normally ONLINE I guess...

So here I am alone, with the world caving in around me ..idk at the least I got some of this out .Really I'm just a ghost like creature here I'm invisible until I get to someone without knowing it..and then I am a horrible demon...
Eh I'm filled with such worthlessness and self-hatred...what is even the point.?

 

Add:

Well I had an honest look...shit I'm already really fucked. I have been helping a friend put him apartment together with painting and what not. That usually means that we stay up all hours off ice and work. "Will work for drugs" huh? Anyway I've gotten used to it cause he is the only place I can get it right now since there was drama with the other people I knew.

They would get be high too. But then when bf got caught trying to get me to have sex with him behind his gf's back (Which time and time again I told him to fuck off. I would never do that to Sean and its just wrong to do that to someone else!) Anyway she blames me instead of him which is bullshit, so I'm not welcome there anymore.
Back on topic here, we get high and we work. I've had it more than I said I would. Maybe 4 or 5 times this week. When I told myself I was going to only keep it to once a week to avoid getting hooked....enough isn't enough. I'm just not ever high enough.
Lately we haven't been able to find it so I can spend the money I don't have. He doesn't have a dime and really I've been trying to live off my credit card. I got mad tonight and accused him of playing the "God complex" with me. Where he says he is looking for it and he can get it but he doesn't and says he can't. I was getting royally pissed. I kinda turned in a bitch because I was craving.


I told him that and he said that he understood. I describe it as a lil green drug monster in your head - he starts beating on the inside of your brain and chewing on your neurons. Ripping out things like common sense, your future, your self-work, your dignity...whatever if it doesn't get fed enough.

My friend laughed because he knows how it feels. He said he can't believe that I've only been doingit a month or 2 and I'm already craving. He said that it look him a year or doing it before that happened to him. IDK I guess everyone is different. Sneeky lil drug it is. I guess if he really quit looking and I lost all my contacts I'd be forced to quit . I'd have no other choice. I'm sure that will happen at some point anyway.

You have to feed it more and more drugs (in this case meth) untilit shuts up. The stuff is so expensive that I need to make it last which is really hard.

Please no lectures on this next part. I've heard it and heard it from everyone that knows or may have an idea. I get it really.
- I picked up some needles the other day. I thought maybe I could sell them to a lazy junkie or 2 but perhaps I could shoot my meth or oxy to make the bang work the buck, (thats funny). I just don't have the money and I'm jealous of those that do. To me it just seems to be gone so so so quick.

But I haven't done it yet so 8)
Perhaps I can at least quiet the monster a bit by popping some pain pills or smoking some weed. LOL I seriously can not remember the last time I spent the whole day sober. Had to have been weeks ago. Lately, the only time I've been sober was when I was asleep....
So I might crash and let the monster go to sleep

 

Sorry to hear you're having problems. As you know, I relapsed recently on meth, only 3 months ago, and already my habit is a beast, and I'm an IV user. All I can tell you is that it sucks having to wear long sleeves in the summer. Plus, why bother taking it to the next level if you're already getting high with whatever method you use, snorting, smoking, I don't know. It gets harder to find a vein though. Perhaps its better if you stay away from needles, from one experienced user.....