"Special Day" : critique me

[SonOF]

"special day"

Shit. Here she comes.
Let me plaster on a fake smile.

Congratulations!
Wow, you look amazing!
I’m so happy for you!
Are you excited about the honeymoon?

Did that sound forced?

Another drink - I don’t want to remember this tomorrow or ever again.

Sitting here at the head table, making small talk with some useless relatives,
rambling inconsequential trivialities.
Trying to sound smart and balanced.
Trying not to laugh at the whole fiasco-
right in its face.
That’s right grandpa, I’ve known her for years. Did she tell you that I was her first love?
Your little princess wanted me inside of her.
She told me so.

Another drink, make it a double - here’s one for you, whatsyourname.
One day she will have kids with you, whatsyourface.
Maybe they will call me Uncle,
but don’t expect me to come over and watch “the game” with you.
I’m not your goddamn buddy.
Just know that she is hoping to wake up-
and I will be standing in your place.

Another drink, make it a triple antifreeze and Coke - here’s to the bride
I better you never thought things would turn out like this-
not on your “special day.”
What exactly is so fucking special about it again?

 

[syd]

I don’t know much about prose or flow or structure, nor do I care. So any suggestions from me would be wasted.

I like raw shit I can relate to, and that was it.

Great piece.

 

[SonOF]

I like raw shit I can relate to, and that was it.

Great piece.

Thanks. I am mainly a prose writer, and have problems adhering to any kind of poetry "structure" or "flow." Poetry writing is still a great mystery to me.

 

[The Anti-Man]

No way, that was great. That was definitely a "raw" piece, I have to agree. I like the envy, the betrayal he feels. The unrequited love thing always gets me, especially when it's done in such an original way. The stream of consciousness style of writing is what makes this poem, so don't apologise for it.

 

[drEaMtiMe*@#]

"special day"

Shit. Here she comes.
Let me plaster on a fake smile.

Congratulations!
Wow, you look amazing!
I’m so happy for you!
Are you excited about the honeymoon?

Did that sound forced?

Another drink - I don’t want to remember this tomorrow or ever again.

Sitting here at the head table, making small talk with some useless relatives,
rambling inconsequential trivialities.
Trying to sound smart and balanced.
Trying not to laugh at the whole fiasco-
right in its face.
That’s right grandpa, I’ve known her for years. Did she tell you that I was her first love?
Your little princess wanted me inside of her.
She told me so.

i love it (all of it - but this is my favourite part). its so brutal... honest. great write.