lovemissile66
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2018
- Messages
- 723
Hands down, the hardest lesson I have finally accepted is this: as a lover and addict of most opiates, heroin ranking #1, I can try a myriad of ways to avoid the inevitable withdrawal. The truth is that there is never a soft landing. I guess by soft I mean the avoidance of nights with zero sleep, the aching restlessness of every fucking limb, the crushing depression and no fucks given...about anything except that one thing, relief that you know will come with your DOC and the battle fatigue that plays out in the mind-do I relapse JUST THIS ONCE? We know it usually is never just once. Because we are addicts and our brains are hardwired to fuck shit up. Thus, the battle. I can create all manner of logical reasons for why I think using just one time will right all the wrongs going on between my mental state, physical and spiritual states. Always leads me back to the same fucking thing...once becomes 2x, 3x and then I'm chasing my tail all over again. Fucking countless times, I have sabotaged myself.
Now, several things have occurred that are helping me stay on track. I fucking hate Fentanyl. It is no substitution for heroin for me. My dealer got caught up and is currently in pre-trial awaiting his fate for distribution charges. I am 2 decades into my addiction and feel I may have just 'aged out' of the game. I'm fucking tired. I don't have the wherewithal anymore. It takes much longer for me to bounce back from a detox, if I bounce at all. So, I guess I'm saying there is no way around it and that is actually a good thing, in hindsight. Something to be said for finding one's way back from a nasty detox. My most recent withdrawal from shitty dirty 30's coupled with dumb use of Gabapentin, persists after 6 weeks. The worst is over. I spent 4 or 5 days just giving myself over to the process. Literally lying in bed like a fucking turnip. Complete apathy. I was so completely disgusted with myself. Gradually, so slowly you don't even realize time moves, it gets better.
STAY THE COURSE!!!!! Everyone on this BL site is worth the effort. I don't know even 1% of y'all personally, that isn't the point. We are comrades in this fight and I love you all
Now, several things have occurred that are helping me stay on track. I fucking hate Fentanyl. It is no substitution for heroin for me. My dealer got caught up and is currently in pre-trial awaiting his fate for distribution charges. I am 2 decades into my addiction and feel I may have just 'aged out' of the game. I'm fucking tired. I don't have the wherewithal anymore. It takes much longer for me to bounce back from a detox, if I bounce at all. So, I guess I'm saying there is no way around it and that is actually a good thing, in hindsight. Something to be said for finding one's way back from a nasty detox. My most recent withdrawal from shitty dirty 30's coupled with dumb use of Gabapentin, persists after 6 weeks. The worst is over. I spent 4 or 5 days just giving myself over to the process. Literally lying in bed like a fucking turnip. Complete apathy. I was so completely disgusted with myself. Gradually, so slowly you don't even realize time moves, it gets better.
STAY THE COURSE!!!!! Everyone on this BL site is worth the effort. I don't know even 1% of y'all personally, that isn't the point. We are comrades in this fight and I love you all
