Life has been all weird lately. I've had a hell of a time with feeling like crap and the chronic fatigue, but the Naturopath doc told me that cutting the ultram way back caused a major drop in my brain's seratonin levels which is why I've been feeling this way. I had an interesting experience a few days ago too. I've had bad upper back pain, there are muscular knots all along the right side that I can't manipulate very well with my hands. If only it were on someone else's... Anyway, I took 2 of my Rx pain pills, the fiorinal #3's, though I knew I was playing with fire. I'm tired of feeling like crap or being in pain. The thing is aside from just putting me asleep, I didn't get a buzz like I used to in the old days or crave the pills. All I wanted was to feel normal for a change and what's weird is the fact that I didn't want to feel groggy and drugged the way I used to.
I think that's a God thing cause now after feeling like crap for so long it feels great to feel simply normal again. I'm down to 4 ultram a day, down from 10 pills and the Rx that I turned over to Mom is there just for major emergencies like 3 day mirgraine or back pain. I've been told that going back to using after a head full of NA fucks with the high and it's true. My sponsor knows all about the fact I took the Rx pills for the 3 day mirgraine and I'm still considered clean, but only because of a miracle. This never would of happened in the old days, as I'd merely have gone through 45 pain pills in a week. I wonder if I would feel the same way after shooting crystal meth again? Although I've thought alot about it, I don't see myself actually shooting up or taking meth in any form as there is simply no way I'm getting a doctor to Rx me that drug.
It's all good, like I said I'm so happy to be feeling almost normal and pain free these days, perhaps thats what I needed because after that feeling normal after feeling like crap is kind of like feeling great loaded after feeling just normal. Before I could just get loaded and shine my responsibilities, God how I hate them, but I can't do that now. It is great having my family and normie friends treat me like a valuable human being with respect whereas before I was more like the family defect. Sigh. I'm glad that's over with. I just want all this crap to be over, feeling like crap, and for the student loan people to stop fucking with me. I called them today asking why they sent me shit saying to send them the same shit I already sent them twice and the dummy on the end of the line said just to send it. Yeah whatever.
Last thing I need is to be put on anti depressants like some people suggested to me. Even if my insurance covered them, if for whatever reason I had to stop taking them abruptly due to no more insurance coverage, the withdrawal is apparently way worse than what I've been experiencing from the ultram if what others have told me is true from their own personal experience, and what would they gain by lying to me? Therefore I definitely prefer to steer clear of them unless there is absolutely no way to feel better permanently. I'm doing fine on only 4 ultram a day, but I definitely feel it when it's time for my dose again the next day. As I said before, I never should have opened that can of worms, but what's done is done. I'm amazed that I hadn't gone running back into the arms of Mr. Prick long ago when I first started feeling like crap.
So now I'm getting ready for bed. Reading about Erik sends me back to memories from the past getting loaded, but he'll always be Kupid to me no matter how much time passes.
I think that's a God thing cause now after feeling like crap for so long it feels great to feel simply normal again. I'm down to 4 ultram a day, down from 10 pills and the Rx that I turned over to Mom is there just for major emergencies like 3 day mirgraine or back pain. I've been told that going back to using after a head full of NA fucks with the high and it's true. My sponsor knows all about the fact I took the Rx pills for the 3 day mirgraine and I'm still considered clean, but only because of a miracle. This never would of happened in the old days, as I'd merely have gone through 45 pain pills in a week. I wonder if I would feel the same way after shooting crystal meth again? Although I've thought alot about it, I don't see myself actually shooting up or taking meth in any form as there is simply no way I'm getting a doctor to Rx me that drug.
It's all good, like I said I'm so happy to be feeling almost normal and pain free these days, perhaps thats what I needed because after that feeling normal after feeling like crap is kind of like feeling great loaded after feeling just normal. Before I could just get loaded and shine my responsibilities, God how I hate them, but I can't do that now. It is great having my family and normie friends treat me like a valuable human being with respect whereas before I was more like the family defect. Sigh. I'm glad that's over with. I just want all this crap to be over, feeling like crap, and for the student loan people to stop fucking with me. I called them today asking why they sent me shit saying to send them the same shit I already sent them twice and the dummy on the end of the line said just to send it. Yeah whatever.
Last thing I need is to be put on anti depressants like some people suggested to me. Even if my insurance covered them, if for whatever reason I had to stop taking them abruptly due to no more insurance coverage, the withdrawal is apparently way worse than what I've been experiencing from the ultram if what others have told me is true from their own personal experience, and what would they gain by lying to me? Therefore I definitely prefer to steer clear of them unless there is absolutely no way to feel better permanently. I'm doing fine on only 4 ultram a day, but I definitely feel it when it's time for my dose again the next day. As I said before, I never should have opened that can of worms, but what's done is done. I'm amazed that I hadn't gone running back into the arms of Mr. Prick long ago when I first started feeling like crap.
So now I'm getting ready for bed. Reading about Erik sends me back to memories from the past getting loaded, but he'll always be Kupid to me no matter how much time passes.