Sorry for dying

[Baker]

Thought i'd just clear this up, this poem is mere reflection from a bad drug experience from about 3 years ago that still inspires me today..




Frozen and numb,
my mind screams out in nervousness.
What a conundrum,
i've become physically motionless.
Emotionally restless,
I feel the end is near.
No, wait a minute,
it could, already be here.
Oh shit, pull the string,
I have no control over this moment.
The lights aren't dimming,
but I feel my life slipping
so many things I haven't done yet.
----------------------
I see my body projected in space,
free for me to judge myself.

You've been a fuckwit,
and have no one but yourself to blame for this!

Please give me another chance, I promise i'll be good
I'll bow down and kiss your shoes, the way you think I should
I know worldly troubles don't matter now,
and I only want to make you proud,
I beg you let me do this.
There's so much of life I haven't lived yet
and one more shot at life, is my only request

Who says you deserve to live, you're a fool
for not realising the potential of your life
for being ungrateful, your motivation was distasteful,
instead of fulfilling the adaptations society forced you to make.
how selfish of you to think the choices were yours to take,
until the fate of tomorrow is at stake.
How simply mere perception could have improved your life
and how your own inspiration could have been better.
I shout at you now, to make sure you remember.
----------------------
I suffer here now, spiralling into my bed,
wishing I could tell the people I love, that I may soon be dead.
Knowing full well that if I don't hold on,
that my life might no longer continue on.
So I will try my best before I leave to rest
and suggest my feelings for the relationships that I consider my best.
That I wish you well, and apologise for the mess,
not to care that we didn't say goodbye before death,
and the irony of this situation I don't want to forget,.
but to apologise of my overdose, and your embarassment that I regret.

 

[Amanita Mary]

still breathing over there?

 

[(Wordy)]

^ Yeah, I was wondering the same thing.

Hope you're ok, Baker. No matter what you might think, everyone deserves to live and enjoy happiness - yourself included. I've been down some very dark paths myself, and believe me, there is a way back...

 

[Baker]

whoops, should probably edit that original post and give it a description, this event happened 3 years ago... I was just reflecting, clearly I was granted another chance, and was extremely grateful and have been since.
Thanks for the concern
and sorry for the confusion

It was one of the most dysphoric and earth shattering experiences of my life, but it surely taught me a lesson.

 

[(Wordy)]

I'm really glad to hear that.

 

[Amanita Mary]

I also am glad to hear that baker... i live in a completely different world than where i was while writing suicide notes... and reflection is sometimes necessary just to know how damn well you're doing!

 

[Baker]

it wasn't suicide, it was an accidental overdose where I thought i'd blown it... Very profound life changing experience, I was terrefied.

It took me about a month to start feeling physically and mentally 'normal' again and another couple of months of lingering side effects as I integrated what had happened. I now live what I believe to be a much more meaningful existence. I appreciate and make progress on my life today.. rather than tomorrow.

 

[Amanita Mary]

yes, i am a big promoter of trying to get people to live in the now. there's absolutely no point in dwelling in the past or in the future. I also had an accidental overdose, and just kept on with the habits that nearly killed me for another 6 months or so because well, i didn't die and i didn't learn a lesson until much later. Eventually i got sick of the people around me and what i was doing to myself. I am much happier now living life for the beauty i seek in each and every moment. the poem is a devastating one to read, i quite enjoyed the 'hopelessness' of it, because i know that you're alright and all.

 

[colicolo]

that piece was easy for me to relate to, though from a suicide stance and not an overdose.

the pleading tone comes across very well.

this line sinks in and stands out:
"but to apologise of my overdose, and your embarassment that I regret."

thankyou for sharing a very honest piece.