Soooo.... I relapsed and would like some input please....

[bdomihizayka]

I was doing so great for such a long time. Honestly, I've never counted sobriety days to the T, but I haven't had an actual habit for around 18 months.

But I relapsed maybe 20 times since.......and discounting my last relapse of yesterday, I've been sober since my birthday in November.

I have been drinking seldomly a couple times a month without trouble....until yesterday. I got pretty drunk at a bar and on the way home, I found dope in this new city I am living in.

I feel so disgusted and dissapointed in myself. I let myself and others down. I REALLY need to reach out and talk to people about this, but I can't. Everyone will start worrying about me and thinking I'm back to my old ways.....junkies gonna junk kinda deal. But this is how I know I am doing so much better.... I feel like I NEED to tattle on myself....but I just can't at the same time (my parents found me nearly dead twice and different friends found me when I OD'ed as well.....I feel as though I'd scare everyone). My parents would be at my place ASAP if they found out I feel, and my friends would NEVER talk to me again.I am in school, have my own place, hitting up the gym, playing the guitar.....etc.

I feel so alone....and I just need to hold myself accountable.

Where do I go from here? Obviously laying off the bottle completely would be a good start....

I never really dug AA/NA because they would depress me like nobodies business...... my "strategy" for dealing with my own addiction was to live as though it never happened and not to label myself in any negative connotations. But maybe I should go?

 

[Maya]

^if you really think that would help with your addiction I would go op. Don't be too harsh on yourself, I habe been down and I have relapsed. You only let yourself and everybody down if you stop trying.

 

[herbavore]

Don't fall into the trap of getting down on yourself. You need a strong friend inside--one that will encourage you and empower you. You relapsed but you learned something: you are still vulnerable when you are high. So take that knowledge and get to work on some positive strategies. Sounds like all your best instincts are intact--you feel scared (reasonable), you feel remorse (good, just don't get stuck there) and you want to take action (and you already did by coming here). I think those are grounds for having a lot of faith in yourself.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

NA helps a lot of people, I learned a lot of good stuff there but decided it wasn't for me in the end. Give it a try see what you think if you want to.

This is only as much of a problem as you make of it.

 

[dilated_pupils]

It's scary when you know if you tell on yourself you'll get help. It's scary to put others in your immediate surroundings and allow them to see what's been going on. It all means you cannot go back to hiding anything (if it was ever truly hidden in the first place). Sometimes exposing the elephant in the room is up to you and it becomes a whole new way of life but it can be promising if you allow it to be. I'm sure you've talked to people while on your way to get drugs and said you were just thinking about it, or said you were doing something else. So I can't really say (and sorry if I'm assuming forgive me if I'm wrong) that you were living sober yet. It's just planning relapse around the little support(s) you've set up. The road block is known so you take a side road.

I first off wouldn't start thinking of moving because you know as well as I do drugs are everywhere. You need to keep yourself from going or calling people associated with your drugs of choice or other lighter drugs which may involve you in the situation to be offered your DOC. I suggest using this example of myself to really help you ->>> I started putting a lot of time into my true values, i.e. working out and eating properly with no drug use, losing a few pounds and looking thin but muscular (not skinny from use and with a sunken face) and then I'd use again (and currently still am) and procrastinate going to the gym, getting a membership renewed, not working out at home, and feeling quite depressed after seeing some effects dwindle away. I'm still trying to play the game and say I'll eat right but what is eating right when I do nothing positive with the intake? Our ancestors would be crying right now

I hope this helps you. I can only admit I've not done enough real recovery other than 2 rehabs that I hated and thought about how I was going to use right when I got out, the whole time I was at each one. I wish you luck and if you ever need anything please PM, I will try and check them more often.

-dp

 

[bdomihizayka]

I am ever so grateful for all these responses. I have been sub consciously avoiding this site because I didn't want to 'accidentally' click on the trip reports or other sections that once intrigued me so greatly in the past, but I feel I owe it to yous to let yous know that I am still sober, and that one use was a slip up and turned into nothing more. I was totally self defeated for a week, but over it now and completely back to baseline- possibly even stronger for not letting the situation escalate.

I DID tell my parents and friends about my relapse. My parents are terrified, and my friends are disgusted. Two outcomes I knew would come, but I knew I had to keep myself accountable, and so I did what I thought I had to do. Pretty lonely at the moment, but I am sober and happy to a point regardless. Going to school, hitting the gym, playing my guitar, reading and enjoying nature is what is occupying my days.

And alcohol is out of the question for a very very long time. Maybe forever. Maybe it needs to be forever. I'll go one straight year without and reevaluate my life.....sounds doable.

Maya and herbavore- you've both been very supportive in my whole recovery whether yous know it or not... I could never possibly thank yous enough!!

dialated pupils- you've put me in my place and I thank you dearly for that. I came from the Philly burbs on the Jersey side- it's terrible there, and I will be keeping you in my prayers. You can get in contact with me anytime as well. You are on the right track with the exercise and all- trade that obsession for a positive one. 2 months and you'll feel like a new person. I wish you find it within yourself soon to give it a chance.

 

[kace]

Hey there!

Well done, you have done the right thing by being honest with yourself and your friends and family. It is so tough to admit you have relapsed, especially to your family and friends. I am so sorry their initial response was of fear. It's because they care about you though, and they are not disgusted at you, I'm sure more concerned that you relapsed. Now you have told them, I'm sure it will help and keep you motivated to be sober.

Honestly, it sounds like you're doing a brilliant job by occupying yourself with creative things. Btw, NA really isn't that bad at all. I reckon you should give it one go, if you don't like it, you don't have to say anything and don't have to go back. I met some lovely people at a meeting I went to, we still talk to each other outside the meetings which I never thought would happen! I think it would help you to meet up, talk and listen to other people that also have faced addictions. People who haven't had ones themselves often struggle to relate.