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song / poem - Here We Go Again... PLEASE CRITIQUE

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SmokeTrails

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 10, 2003
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2,258
Location
Norcal
here we go again...

these kids all look dazed
strung out in a haze
know exactly where they'll be found
they'll be dead in the ground
next time im around.

always lookin for escapes
by now its much to late
knowin full well you should quit
cuz your lifes gone to shit
and your so sick of it

wish you could stop the pain
trys always end in vain
fix up get ready here we go
end up at a show
with some kids you dont know



on the topic of relationships
trust me you dont wanna start that trip
this things never ganna turn out right
try as we might
it ends in a fight

pray on insecurities
puts my broken heart at ease
never had any feelings of remorse
for the things that i do
the way i affect you

just so you know im glad
for the good times and the bad
discord intoxicates me
why cant you see
this chaos sets me free


ugh sooo scattered... kinda my first attempt at writing anything... let me know what you think... thanks in advance
 
It seems honest enough, but what would help this is focus...if you picked one of the topics in this song/poem and embellished upon it, you could create something with a lot more flow.
 
Hi Smoke Trails, I actually really like this - is it song lyrics? I'm a big fan of Skid Row and Motley Crue et. al, and this sounds like song lyrics to me, Actually BETTER song lyrics than some of their songs ;)

As poetry as such it does lack focus as New has suggested - poetry is really like a microscope on life and needs to hone in on an element or an emotion (ie. is this about drugs, or is it about a relationship), that's what makes it really hit home.

But some of those stanzas are gold. Keep writing man :)
 
Some nice sentiment and ideas conveyed here. I especially liked the last part of the last stanza.

Although, I feel you may have sacrificed some deeper meaning for the sake of rhyme. Rhyme isn't an all important aspect of poetry and lyric construction, try not to force rhymes if something else could be used which feels better to you.

Keep writing mate.
 
I agree with New. Also i would say that you seem to have two songs here. The first about the alienation of youth and the second about the nature of relationships. It could be one whole song if there was a stanza or another verse that linked them. Perhaps placing the nature of relationships into the social confines of the thoughts on youth?
 
^ yeah i know what you mean... i was trying to come up with a chores to put in between to tie it all together... but i am absolutely horrible at writing those... im not saying im good at writing songs... just im worse at writing choreses...

hell im not even sure if thats how you spell chores... lol

anyway ill see if i can come up with anything and update yall

thanks for all the help
 
oh yeah lovemuffen this is intended as song lyrics... i always have beats and guitar riffs stuck in my head... mostly full songs... i never learned to play any instraments because i was to busy geting high... so i generally just write lyrics to the songs in my head... kinda funny eh?
 
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