To say the last few months have been rough would be a major fucking understatement. In the course of little over a month i have gone from being hopeful that things would work out and that i could get out of where i live right back to square one. I had it out with the woman that i loved and that i thought wanted me to go live with her and that all went to shit. I won't get into the shitty details but let's just say my hopes of maybe not only being with this awesome woman but also of getting out of here to go live in another country altogether are dashed for now and me and the woman have gone back to just being friends. Why the fuck is it that when i think i have everything lined up and think that i am almost at the finish mark something goes really fucking wrong? 
. Apparently wanting a life for myself that is somewhat stable and livable (though not boring) is too much to ask. Is having a place that is decent, a woman that loves me and some kind of hope for the future too much to ask really? 
So i am trying to sit it out until after Christmas and then get another plan in order. In the meantime i am trying very hard not to go crazy and it is not easy. Almost everyday i struggle to find a way to get through it without going into a pit of despair or bipolar induced rage. I have been having suicidal thoughts lately though i am not entertaining them at all as i have no plans on checking out early. The last thing i want to put the people i love through is a suicide. Fuck knows i have put them through enough and that they don't need that. But the way my moods hit me can be scary sometimes and i wonder will i be able to hold on if i get hit with worse mood swings? Would i go right over the edge and possibly get a case of the fuck it's and end up hurting myself or worse? I don't think i would and god knows i don't want to but the thought is there none the less. I can plummet into a pit of despair in a matter of minutes and i can even
. Apparently wanting a life for myself that is somewhat stable and livable (though not boring) is too much to ask. Is having a place that is decent, a woman that loves me and some kind of hope for the future too much to ask really? So i am trying to sit it out until after Christmas and then get another plan in order. In the meantime i am trying very hard not to go crazy and it is not easy. Almost everyday i struggle to find a way to get through it without going into a pit of despair or bipolar induced rage. I have been having suicidal thoughts lately though i am not entertaining them at all as i have no plans on checking out early. The last thing i want to put the people i love through is a suicide. Fuck knows i have put them through enough and that they don't need that. But the way my moods hit me can be scary sometimes and i wonder will i be able to hold on if i get hit with worse mood swings? Would i go right over the edge and possibly get a case of the fuck it's and end up hurting myself or worse? I don't think i would and god knows i don't want to but the thought is there none the less. I can plummet into a pit of despair in a matter of minutes and i can even