Something i wrote in my journal on a sunday afternoon

To say i have been feeling down as of late would be a big fucking understatement. Yesterday everything came crashing down in one big pile of regret. Nothing but thoughts of regret, missed opportunities, missed chances and just plain rotten luck of the last year. I thought i was having a nervous breakdown because it all hit me at the same time like a sack of bricks. All those missed opportunities and regrets of things i could have done seem so much more depressing on a sunless sunday afternoon somehow.

It just seems that i have nothing to look foreward to in this coming year at all not compared to last year. This time last year i had a plane ticket bought to go meet my g/f and i was as happy as could be. I felt like the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet and perhaps i was atleast for a little bit. I thought i would never see this place again once i got to the airport and i gladly kissed it goodbye. But luck being what it is or fate if you can call it that had different plans and i was back on this fucking rock by the spring. Why couldnt i have stayed out there and have some sort of life for myself? Why couldnt something have gone my way? It was not even my fault that things got fucked up and perhaps that is what makes me so pissed off about it. It took months, a few hundred alcoholic beverages and a fair share of blow and opiates to beat it into my fucking head that it was not my fault. But it does not seem to make it any easier.

So i have felt like someone trapped in a prison cell since i came "home" again. It certainly does not feel like home anymore that is for sure. Ive been in a manic frenzy on and off since i got back pretty much. Either that or wallowing in a pit of despair that seems bottomless at times. I have to get out of here ASAP beg, steal or motherfuckin borrow.

The only peace i seem to get these days is when i am asleep or too high to notice im miserable. Solace in the needle. Spike a vein, draw blood, shoot it home and im at peace. All my problems go away. For a few hours anyway

 

Fuck this really saddens me but I can understand because I have been facing a really grim look to the future lately too.
I have taken up work -for free-and I love it! I guess having something, anything from nothing is always good.
I really do empathise with ya PA, this is a horrible state...I have felt a huge lonleyness in my life lately, well lonelyness is too fluffy a word to describe it...Felt utterly useless and pointless with none of the trappings of sucor that self-pity brings.
Felt like stone.
Being in the brief company of work colleagues has just destroyed all of that, like, to see people being warm to me and each other and concerned with all their tasks has just eradicated the life quenching doubt and hopeless state I was in...for now.
Maybe im projecting myself here but putting myself to some use, to function within some system, not of my own creation, has really humbled me. Its put 'me' in some kinda perspective that I had lost sight of.
Maybe you gotta look in different places, for yourself, get creative with your thoughts and feelings rather than push/thwart them down, start to be open to new experiences for yourself...Im only throwin the ideas out there to you because being stuck and helpless is such a horrible state and I really hope you open up to your ability to move in the free flowing direction for yourself hun.
Once you hit the wall, you either go back or go around/over it, the only other option is to, go back from where you came or stand there staring at the wall. Blaming yourself/it for its presence.
Whatever you choose, hope things start moving for you.