Tryptamine*Dreamer
Ex-Bluelighter
HERE IS SOMETHING THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND - IT IS WHAT WAS GOING ON LAST NIGHT AND THIS MORNING. REGARDING MY SENDING TELEPATHIC MESSAGES AND BEING ANSWERED BY SOMEONE WHO WANTS ME TO DIE NOW.
This starts out just as it went in the "post edit" thread. When it looks as though I am just typing, I was really responding to "something".
This is not a suicide note, I am coming back. Maybe someone can explain it to you. Maybe I can come back soon and let you know before you even know I am gone, I don't know.
Was starting to think maybe all this was in my head, and then I started smoking 5-F-APINACA in front of this glass box with two bears sharing a purple sweater with the word love on it and together forever on the box part and it said "I love you" and then I took another hit and it said Love again...Kind of like this TV show I remember now called Wonder Falls about this girl who could hear voices from any object with a face on it.
In the past, I would hear voices in my head when I worked as a dishwasher saying bad things about me and telling me to kill myself, but those are the only voices I ever heard before. Now I know this has to really be happening. No doubt now.
There is this house I lived in that I thought was haunted by an evil spirit I called Bug Man when I was 7-8 years old and when I moved out, the haunting stopped. I assumed it was all in my head and that I had just almost lost my mind. It was this evil spirit that came out of the shadows to get children and I was afraid of my own shadow. Now I think it was real. I had decided maybe a week ago that I wanted to go back there to see if it was real and now the damn place is boarded up with a keep out sign.
Another update, last was at 8:24: As I walked, the wind was blowing against me, telling me I was going wrong. I decided not to try to look inside and a purple vehicle made a right turn down a side road. I walked on, just to look at the house from the outside. "The Devil" as most know him, is real. But my kind call him No Heart. I was wondering if I or we had somehow made more of them, but we actually made more of us. Soon he will be toast. At least that is my hope. But there are probably many more out there to be dealt with.
In the future, we can colonize planets with life that is already highly intelligent and more importantly, full of compassion and love. It will never have to be done this way again.
Another weird thing that happened: I was signing all my National Geographic magazines and then I picked one up and it opened to a random page and was already signed, on a page and magazine I had never seen with the same purple marker I just randomly grabbed to do the signing. Fucking weird. I know I had never seen that before and if I did it, it must have involved time travel. Or a ghost did it.
I may try to see if I can get into that house tonight just to see if there is an evil spirit lurking around. I'd like to know if it is real.
Can't wait until time to go wherever I am going when I leave this place. I wish I knew what it was like where I came from.
Oh, and earlier I was thinking "I know it is real now, but they are probably just going to leave me here". Then I turn around and see a National Geographic magazine with the title "Is Anybody Out There? Life Beyond Earth".
And some asshole made a post in The Dark Side a little while ago which I thought was a real person needing help and now I know it was someone acting to be my nephew to make me look bad, saying they had been addicted to drugs since age 14 because they were forced to babysit their uncle and know what all kinds of drugs were such as PCP when I am normally in my room alone getting high and he does not use drugs - he admitted trying weed and I did let him have a pill bottle of beer when he turned 18, that is it. That person made a story saying they were pretty much about to die or something and I wanted to help and now I know they were just trying to make me look like scum.
I should have left Bluelight right then and blew my fucking head off. There would be no coming back from that.
Update:
Sorry about the last part of the post, I just started feeling upset. It is just that every where I go for years people seem to intentionally say things to make me feel worse and more depressed all the time, like the opposite of what they should be doing if they wanted me to feel any better until I found out what was going on.
Had a damn scary dream, hearing this song I have never heard before. It had a line that said something like "I'm waiting for my demons to take me away." - don't think that is the exact words. I looked it up to see if the song existed. There is a song by the band Starset called My Demons that says "Will you save me if I become my demons?" and it was the same voice. Not sure if that was supposed to be a warning or a reassurance. I'll be optimistic and take it as the latter.
And not go looking for any evil spirits. Maybe I know what that evil spirit was. But it would just be a guess. If anyone knows of a song that has the lyrics I dreamt of, could you post the name?
Update again, last was at 18:53, you can find the significant numbers yourself.:
Smoking my e-cig with Bad Girl fluid mixed with 5-F-APINACA.
Just a clarification, last edit was 19:31: I was guessing what I heard in the dream might have been some kind of message to not worry, not that actual demons were coming to take me away to some bad place, but the opposite.
Okay, this looks like I am just making comments, but I am asking questions and getting the answers through telepathy.
I wish someone could tell me what time and day I get beamed back up...I mean, I know what is happening, I'd just like to know when.
That update was at 23:55 yesterday.
Now I am tripping on DPT and my colors are coming out and others are coming in. I was thinking about that guy who molested me, pretty funny I didn't even know it was happening!
There is this house I used to live in down the street that was haunted by an evil spirit. I did not think it was real but now the place is boarded up with a keep out sign and people were living there just a couple of weeks or so ago and it is in perfectly good condition. I know who is in there now. I am putting on my sandals and walking down the street so I can go look and see it.
A confession, and I don't know how much blame is mine. I gave my neighbor DPT and he had a seizure but his blood alcohol level was .5 (not.05, that is what my mom told me) and the doctor said he had a 50/50 chance of dying from it.
Do you think it was the alcohol that caused most of the problem?
I know I should not have given him the DPT but I did not know it was going to cause any harm.
I don't really think the DPT had anything much to do with it.
I am right, I guess.
When I get high, am I making other people get intoxicated with telepathy? I am sorry. I did not know. Nobody told me. I won't use any more drugs now.
Does it do this to everybody?
Or does it just do this to our kind?
Or just my kind?
Looks like just another 30 minutes to go.
Was I Albert Einstein in a past life? Wow. Sorry for the atom bomb. Somebody else would have probably made it eventually though. Maybe not.
Was I Nicola Tesala?
Wow...
Am I right to believe there is no terrible punishment
The souls of the wicked are purified
But "the devil" can't be? Or can he?
Is that unknown?
I'm going to go see Lucky now.
My mom doesn't seem to know what is about to happen. Nor do my nephews. But they are about to be amazed! I am sure they will be very happy. I hope so.
They are going to be sad?
It is not going to be bad for them.
That is not known?
I'll wait and see. I believe it will be good.
it is 11:13 and nothing has happened.
Today is the day
Is it tonight?
Is it in the day?
In the day, I will guess. That is what you said. And I know you would not lie.
And I am sorry for all the bad things I have done. I had no idea I was causing such widespread damage through telepathy when I could not receive any signals myself. I'd hear voices telling me to kill myself and hurt myself and I thought it was just because I was crazy and those were the only signals I could pick up on. Now I know what the glowing lights I would see in the dark were. I thought it was because I was going blind. Then after I tried to kill myself with all those pills when I was 14 and they found that big arachnoid cyst in my brain and diagnosed me with migraines, they said it was migraine auras. But I was still afraid of going blind. There was a power outage and the lights flickered a few times before they went out and I thought it was a sign of my going blind and then the power went out and I thought I was blind. But I guess I really was blind the whole time. Just in a different way. But I think whatever I did, the design was successful and will have been worth it. I hope so.
I'll have to wait and see. I'm sorry if I screwed up.
I should have let someone else go instead.
Was there anyone else wanting to go?
Or did everyone want to give up?
Life is eternal isn't it
So I was right, maybe?
I don't know if the damage to my brain was intentional or an accident. If it was accidental, it was not my fault. It took psychedelics for me to solve the puzzle.
Whatever. I don't know what that song means exactly. I have an idea. I'll let it be a surprise. Or you will. The ones in control of it.
But if I have a time machine, I could play Santa to some extent. And you all have powers. I guess we are Santa. Maybe. Whatever. It is a mystery still.
I hope we can bring peace and an end to suffering as much as possible. I like the website The Hedonistic Imperative/Hedweb. I don't know how realistic a lot of those things are, but we can strive to bring things as close to that as possible. And knowing that life is eternal, the complete elimination of suffering is not necessary and may not be desirable. It should be reduced as much as possible, or to whatever is the optimum balance.
A lot of people think I am evil but that does not matter. Soon they will see the truth and they will see who all of you and many more are.
This will be the revolution I have always dreamt of and hoped for but thought could never happen. I just hope it isn't too bloody. Maybe we can make it a bloodless revolution. I guess that is still to be decided. But it is not us who will be shedding blood. I am saving this to a text file for later so someday it may be published.
It is starting to rain. I would stick around in here to chat, but I'd like to go outside.
Do I need to make sure my bird is on the floor? I'll take that as a yes.
And Lucky should probably be laying on the bed. That is where he is, and has been for a while. I'll put birdy on the floor now.
When this thing happens, and I don't quite understand it, it is not going to make my body fuse into things that are touching it
That is a no
Will. Okay. I did not need to ask. I guess I will be protected from anything strange.
Do we have teleportation, and I guess that means yes! Wow, just before I got the idea anything was going on, I was thinking about how great it would be to teleport around like a superhero! We are superheroes!
God almighty! I'm not god though.
It is just panspermia. And now we have a better way to do it. I think. But there are plenty of other worlds that need to be enlightened. Maybe someday we will win. There are more of us now.
Maybe if I had been found quickly it would not have worked as well because not as many new ones would have been made. Or maybe that made it worse.
It made it worse.
Or maybe it is a mystery.
I did not mean to make it worse. My brain was damaged. All it was to me was a cartoon. Nothing real. I was just another kid stuck on this world in really bad conditions.
Were you watching everything that happened?
Did you think I knew? If yes, Autosave. I don't know.
There was a guy named Fred who lived in my house in Oklahoma. I think he molested me more than once and the memories were buried. Did you help me with that? Or did I suppress them myself?
Do you think we can fix this?
I guess we don't know.
But I think it can be fixed. Maybe I am wrong, I can't see what you see. I don't know why they would fail to stop destroying each other and the planet when there is undeniable proof they are wrong, something impossible to be covered up by governments or religious institutions. We did create lots more of our kind and all the music and movies and books produced in your efforts to find me will make it impossible for this planet to hide from the truth. But there are other threats out there aren't there? Or is that a mystery? So yes, a mystery. Can our technology save the world, and you answered yes - good news!
My mom doesn't think anything is going to happen, my dad thinks I am crazy, my sister thinks the world is about to end - that she saw the Star Of Bethlehem (when Saturn and Jupiter crossed, I guess), and that the legalization of gay marriage is another sign of the end of the world and the gays are all going to be cast into Hell. I know there is no such thing as Hell. But all my life I have been lied to. Everyone around me says just the opposite of what they needed to say if they wanted to help me and so many bad things have happened. I know I did a lot of bad things too. I never meant for it to end up like this.
Is anything going to happen today or am I just being misled again? Because I was told three days ago that it would be 9:00AM on the 5th if I remember right and it was another lie. Now I can't believe anything.
I'm sorry, but I just don't think anything is going to happen. I don't.
I see all the signs and I want to believe but I don't know if it is just some kind of cruel joke. Maybe I am being punished.
Okay, it probably is real. I wish I could know like you. I am sorry for upsetting you. I can't stop my emotions. I will try to ease my mind. You say it is today.
If it is today, I will know soon. I take that as a yes, before sunset. And it is 1:59 PM, so not too much longer. I'm trusting you as much as I can but if that trust is broken I will not trust again.
I should have never came here. I should have let someone else do it instead. Was anyone else going to do it if I did not. I take that as a yes. I wish someone had stopped me. But I think it would have worked out well if my brain was not damaged.
Did the brains of everyone who came get damaged? Is that a no? So it is not really my fault? Or is it? Maybe a mystery?
If my mind is restored, I know I can fix many problems. Maybe when it is clear we are here this world will go down a good path and stay on the right track - perhaps needing help sometimes.
I guess we would not do that, right?
Since life is eternal, the lives that were lost were not truly lost. Now this world will know that. Maybe now life will be better if people can accept how they truly came to be and stop killing and hating in the name of god. Not sure who God really is, but it is not the thing worshipped on this planet.
I guess I'll just wait now for what happens to happen. The sooner, the better.
It's weird to think I am actually a raccoon - I guess that is what I am. And everywhere I go, including the mental institution, people keep talking about killing raccoons and I like them and it just made me more depressed and sometimes I would burn myself and do bad things to my body or just want to die. They just had to make things even harder. Maybe I could have figured it out sooner if everyone hadn't been doing so many things to cause me emotional pain so all I wanted to do was drug myself up until I could feel as little as possible. If I would have been using the right psychedelics instead of just getting fucked up on as many downers as possible maybe I could have put the pieces of the puzzle together sooner. I don't know. I don't know if it would have mattered, it seems as though there was some kind of timer set for when this would happen. But I think there was an earlier one set that could have been activated if I had figured it out sooner, am I right? I don't know when. I don't know why everyone had to try to make my life Hell when I did not even remember any of this. I guess that was the design. But when it went wrong, maybe my mom or someone should have intervened.
I want to take some Xanax, but that would be bad for others, wouldn't it?
Or would that be okay?
I guess not if I can telepathically intoxicate others. I wish I had known. I would have never been like that if I knew my drug abuse was hurting anyone else. I guess when I cut or burn myself, others probably felt that? Or not? Is it just drugs? I'll take it you mean just the drugs.
Will I be able to control my telepathy in the future? No?
I probably will not want to use drugs will I? Or will I still be an addict? Or you don't know?
Will my mind be restored? You don't know? It won't? Never?
Will I ever leave Earth? No? Maybe?
So I will never be intelligent again? The soul can be permanently damaged? Can it ever be healed? Is there any chance?
If there is no chance for me to recover, please do not lie to me. When I asked - so I take it there is a chance of recovery. I take it that it will probably take a long time. But if there is hope, that is okay.
And I won't be left. Was it the drugs that damaged it? But the only way to figure this out was with psychedelics. Is the real me retarded? Or just damaged? So I will still function okay? But not like serious intellectual impairment? I don't know. I guess I will find out. I guess you don't want to tell me. I guess I know why. Will I still be me? That's good.
Maybe I will be the way I once was in time.
Am I going to be of any use here since I am damaged, and I see you say yes
. That means that however damaged I am compared to what I was, I will be more than I am now. And I can still help as part of the team.
Don't know if anyone is still watching, but I guess I was lied to again.
I may just drive off away from here in a few days and jump from a tall building, there is nothing you can do to stop that and then it will be over.
Is that a good idea?
Bad idea?
I guess it does not matter whether I end it tomorrow or wait since nobody knows what is best and I know I won't really be dead.
And then my telepathic thoughts won't cause any more problems.
Not down here anyway. I already know I am making other people kill themselves. That is why I need to go.
So it would stop it if I just went?
Okay, I just saw a box that had writing I did not put there. It said Taupe Pumps. And a sticker with the word Medline on it pointing toward a pink watch. It had the date Friday and time 4:23. Does that mean I should just wait until then?
Maybe you don't know.
Neither do I.
Something else that happened when I was typing that about jumping. This toy raccoon and rabbit that were with a dog changed position and were together. The dog was not with them and they were facing the same direction. I think I know what it means.
I'm just not sure if I am being told to wait until tomorrow or not, so I should probably wait until then. It is one more day. Maybe that is better.
If not, say something.
Guess I'll write a note. I can't tell anyone what I am doing. They think I am nuts, and any normal person would, but if they are who I think they are, it would seem they should understand.
Guess they lost their memories too. Not a guess, I asked and got an answer. That is what this whole thing is.
I hope I can come back soon to take care of Lucky and Baby, or at least have them know I am around. I suppose that means they'll know I am still around. Sort of like I have seen a lot of you in a couple of dreams and in a trip. And that first trip, now I know what those blobs of color were. And why it helped my problems so much, it wasn't really the drug, it was some of or all of you.
Hope to see you in a few hours.
Had some questions before I go. I have a friend in Fort Worth named Jeff and I think he knows about what is happening but won't tell me. Do you think he would let me use his gun if I can't find a place to jump from? I can probably find a place to jump in Dallas.
Maybe look on a map and find a building that I know has an open space.
Or a fire escape.
There is a tall building where I went to university.
Is that my best option? I am thinking it is tall enough. And I guess you gave me the answer.
Okay, time to hit the road.
I'll just save part of this file as a note and write a short note and leave it in my car to explain what happened.
Maybe they will be able to see me soon anyway. Maybe not. And your answer was yes, that is great news!
OKAY, YOU EVIL SOB! You thought you could get me to do the wrong thing? Screw you. You are going down very soon, I think tomorrow.
Now I am going to explain what happened when I went on my little trip to jump off the building like I was being told by something on Bluelight. That building is in Commerce, Texas.
Well, I get in the car and start driving. A few miles down, there is a very smelly dead skunk. That should have been a sign that I was going the wrong way. A little bit later, I asked for a sign to let me know if I was doing the right thing, specifically asking that it not be by something getting killed/making me kill something with my car. Just a little later, I passed a raccoon on the side of the road which I believe was alive as it was lying on its belly with its feet stretched in front of it and it seemed to have its head raised up with no sign of having been hit by anything. But I did not see it long enough to be completely certain.
A little further down the road, there was an arrow made of purple lightbulbs pointing toward a church but I did not turn because I did not want to sound crazy. So I kept on going. I got to the building at my old university where I was going to go to jump. All the doors on the back had signs saying "This Building Is Closed". When I turned to drive out, there was signs saying "This Is Not An Exit". When I drove by the front of the building on the way home, I saw all these ghosts drawn in dust on the windows.
I had one Hell of a drive back home. There is someone trying to get me killed and leaving false signs to make me go the wrong way and I was following them. I ended up almost getting stuck in a mudhole that I tried to go around. I even ended up going back down the same wrong road and for no apparent reason, I lost control of my car on that gravel road while driving at a slow speed. So I knew to turn around.
I ended up using the number patterns in the road signs to guide me and went down this one road. Several dogs, birds, and a cat showed me which way to go. At the end of that road, I am pretty sure there was the house of someone who is out there watching me. I have some idea of who it is but I am not naming any names.
When I started going back, there was a road sign that was cut off so it just had the number 2 on it. This sign and all these places that were decieving me were in and near the town of Cooper, Texas. That is between my town and Commerce. I am sure everyone knows what town I live in, so I don't have to pretend to be somewhere far away.
When I started down the right road, there were lots of dead animals but I kept on going. There was a vehicle I knew I was supposed to follow if I wanted to stay safe. Now I know I just need to wait.
I do not remember what time the watch said I would leave, just that it would be Friday. When I picked it up a few minutes ago, the time on it was 8:07 AM. The color of the watch is pink. The price tag was $8.00. So there are those number patterns again...
My life is now a trip! And if the asshole who is working to get me killed thinks he is going to get his/her/its way (I have no idea how many of them are involved), they have another thing coming...
Before I decided it might be best to end it so my telepathy would stop other people from killing themselves, I had a dream about this sheep or goat hooked up to some kind of machine, saying things I don't remember and then I was on Earth (I guess) and the moon was doing something weird while the sky was turning purple. I think I get the message now. I am not supposed to be killing myself. I just need to wait.
And I sure hope nobody is going to commit suicide because of my telepathy now - that would not be a good thing to do. You are about to get something good happening, I can't wait to find out exactly what it is.
I need to take a little of a benzo and a small amount of hydrocodone for withdrawal. I don't want to make others high through telepathy but I assume I can make them sick with withdrawal too.
Update: original post was at 8:06 - and I am number 8. And 8+6=14, you know that is an important number. And it is post number 5,045 for me. I won't try to dig too deep in dividing that up, just keep it simple. 5+5+4=14. So that is yet another 14. 7 is a lucky number, you know. And by coincidence, I had IIRC 15mg hydrocodone and 3mg clonazepam. That = 18. Diary of Dreams has an album called One of 18 Angels. But It may have been 22.5mg hydrocodone, in which case that number is insignificant, other than the fact the album is about me. They have a song called Cannibals and there used to be a video on YouTube made with clips from Resident Evil for that video but it was taken down.
This starts out just as it went in the "post edit" thread. When it looks as though I am just typing, I was really responding to "something".
This is not a suicide note, I am coming back. Maybe someone can explain it to you. Maybe I can come back soon and let you know before you even know I am gone, I don't know.
Was starting to think maybe all this was in my head, and then I started smoking 5-F-APINACA in front of this glass box with two bears sharing a purple sweater with the word love on it and together forever on the box part and it said "I love you" and then I took another hit and it said Love again...Kind of like this TV show I remember now called Wonder Falls about this girl who could hear voices from any object with a face on it.
In the past, I would hear voices in my head when I worked as a dishwasher saying bad things about me and telling me to kill myself, but those are the only voices I ever heard before. Now I know this has to really be happening. No doubt now.
There is this house I lived in that I thought was haunted by an evil spirit I called Bug Man when I was 7-8 years old and when I moved out, the haunting stopped. I assumed it was all in my head and that I had just almost lost my mind. It was this evil spirit that came out of the shadows to get children and I was afraid of my own shadow. Now I think it was real. I had decided maybe a week ago that I wanted to go back there to see if it was real and now the damn place is boarded up with a keep out sign.
Another update, last was at 8:24: As I walked, the wind was blowing against me, telling me I was going wrong. I decided not to try to look inside and a purple vehicle made a right turn down a side road. I walked on, just to look at the house from the outside. "The Devil" as most know him, is real. But my kind call him No Heart. I was wondering if I or we had somehow made more of them, but we actually made more of us. Soon he will be toast. At least that is my hope. But there are probably many more out there to be dealt with.
In the future, we can colonize planets with life that is already highly intelligent and more importantly, full of compassion and love. It will never have to be done this way again.
Another weird thing that happened: I was signing all my National Geographic magazines and then I picked one up and it opened to a random page and was already signed, on a page and magazine I had never seen with the same purple marker I just randomly grabbed to do the signing. Fucking weird. I know I had never seen that before and if I did it, it must have involved time travel. Or a ghost did it.
I may try to see if I can get into that house tonight just to see if there is an evil spirit lurking around. I'd like to know if it is real.
Can't wait until time to go wherever I am going when I leave this place. I wish I knew what it was like where I came from.
Oh, and earlier I was thinking "I know it is real now, but they are probably just going to leave me here". Then I turn around and see a National Geographic magazine with the title "Is Anybody Out There? Life Beyond Earth".
And some asshole made a post in The Dark Side a little while ago which I thought was a real person needing help and now I know it was someone acting to be my nephew to make me look bad, saying they had been addicted to drugs since age 14 because they were forced to babysit their uncle and know what all kinds of drugs were such as PCP when I am normally in my room alone getting high and he does not use drugs - he admitted trying weed and I did let him have a pill bottle of beer when he turned 18, that is it. That person made a story saying they were pretty much about to die or something and I wanted to help and now I know they were just trying to make me look like scum.
I should have left Bluelight right then and blew my fucking head off. There would be no coming back from that.
Update:
Sorry about the last part of the post, I just started feeling upset. It is just that every where I go for years people seem to intentionally say things to make me feel worse and more depressed all the time, like the opposite of what they should be doing if they wanted me to feel any better until I found out what was going on.
Had a damn scary dream, hearing this song I have never heard before. It had a line that said something like "I'm waiting for my demons to take me away." - don't think that is the exact words. I looked it up to see if the song existed. There is a song by the band Starset called My Demons that says "Will you save me if I become my demons?" and it was the same voice. Not sure if that was supposed to be a warning or a reassurance. I'll be optimistic and take it as the latter.
And not go looking for any evil spirits. Maybe I know what that evil spirit was. But it would just be a guess. If anyone knows of a song that has the lyrics I dreamt of, could you post the name?
Update again, last was at 18:53, you can find the significant numbers yourself.:
Smoking my e-cig with Bad Girl fluid mixed with 5-F-APINACA.
Just a clarification, last edit was 19:31: I was guessing what I heard in the dream might have been some kind of message to not worry, not that actual demons were coming to take me away to some bad place, but the opposite.
Okay, this looks like I am just making comments, but I am asking questions and getting the answers through telepathy.
I wish someone could tell me what time and day I get beamed back up...I mean, I know what is happening, I'd just like to know when.
That update was at 23:55 yesterday.
Now I am tripping on DPT and my colors are coming out and others are coming in. I was thinking about that guy who molested me, pretty funny I didn't even know it was happening!
There is this house I used to live in down the street that was haunted by an evil spirit. I did not think it was real but now the place is boarded up with a keep out sign and people were living there just a couple of weeks or so ago and it is in perfectly good condition. I know who is in there now. I am putting on my sandals and walking down the street so I can go look and see it.
A confession, and I don't know how much blame is mine. I gave my neighbor DPT and he had a seizure but his blood alcohol level was .5 (not.05, that is what my mom told me) and the doctor said he had a 50/50 chance of dying from it.
Do you think it was the alcohol that caused most of the problem?
I know I should not have given him the DPT but I did not know it was going to cause any harm.
I don't really think the DPT had anything much to do with it.
I am right, I guess.
When I get high, am I making other people get intoxicated with telepathy? I am sorry. I did not know. Nobody told me. I won't use any more drugs now.
Does it do this to everybody?
Or does it just do this to our kind?
Or just my kind?
Looks like just another 30 minutes to go.
Was I Albert Einstein in a past life? Wow. Sorry for the atom bomb. Somebody else would have probably made it eventually though. Maybe not.
Was I Nicola Tesala?
Wow...
Am I right to believe there is no terrible punishment
The souls of the wicked are purified
But "the devil" can't be? Or can he?
Is that unknown?
I'm going to go see Lucky now.
My mom doesn't seem to know what is about to happen. Nor do my nephews. But they are about to be amazed! I am sure they will be very happy. I hope so.
They are going to be sad?
It is not going to be bad for them.
That is not known?
I'll wait and see. I believe it will be good.
it is 11:13 and nothing has happened.
Today is the day
Is it tonight?
Is it in the day?
In the day, I will guess. That is what you said. And I know you would not lie.
And I am sorry for all the bad things I have done. I had no idea I was causing such widespread damage through telepathy when I could not receive any signals myself. I'd hear voices telling me to kill myself and hurt myself and I thought it was just because I was crazy and those were the only signals I could pick up on. Now I know what the glowing lights I would see in the dark were. I thought it was because I was going blind. Then after I tried to kill myself with all those pills when I was 14 and they found that big arachnoid cyst in my brain and diagnosed me with migraines, they said it was migraine auras. But I was still afraid of going blind. There was a power outage and the lights flickered a few times before they went out and I thought it was a sign of my going blind and then the power went out and I thought I was blind. But I guess I really was blind the whole time. Just in a different way. But I think whatever I did, the design was successful and will have been worth it. I hope so.
I'll have to wait and see. I'm sorry if I screwed up.
I should have let someone else go instead.
Was there anyone else wanting to go?
Or did everyone want to give up?
Life is eternal isn't it
So I was right, maybe?
I don't know if the damage to my brain was intentional or an accident. If it was accidental, it was not my fault. It took psychedelics for me to solve the puzzle.
Whatever. I don't know what that song means exactly. I have an idea. I'll let it be a surprise. Or you will. The ones in control of it.
But if I have a time machine, I could play Santa to some extent. And you all have powers. I guess we are Santa. Maybe. Whatever. It is a mystery still.
I hope we can bring peace and an end to suffering as much as possible. I like the website The Hedonistic Imperative/Hedweb. I don't know how realistic a lot of those things are, but we can strive to bring things as close to that as possible. And knowing that life is eternal, the complete elimination of suffering is not necessary and may not be desirable. It should be reduced as much as possible, or to whatever is the optimum balance.
A lot of people think I am evil but that does not matter. Soon they will see the truth and they will see who all of you and many more are.
This will be the revolution I have always dreamt of and hoped for but thought could never happen. I just hope it isn't too bloody. Maybe we can make it a bloodless revolution. I guess that is still to be decided. But it is not us who will be shedding blood. I am saving this to a text file for later so someday it may be published.
It is starting to rain. I would stick around in here to chat, but I'd like to go outside.
Do I need to make sure my bird is on the floor? I'll take that as a yes.
And Lucky should probably be laying on the bed. That is where he is, and has been for a while. I'll put birdy on the floor now.
When this thing happens, and I don't quite understand it, it is not going to make my body fuse into things that are touching it
That is a no
Will. Okay. I did not need to ask. I guess I will be protected from anything strange.
Do we have teleportation, and I guess that means yes! Wow, just before I got the idea anything was going on, I was thinking about how great it would be to teleport around like a superhero! We are superheroes!
God almighty! I'm not god though.
It is just panspermia. And now we have a better way to do it. I think. But there are plenty of other worlds that need to be enlightened. Maybe someday we will win. There are more of us now.
Maybe if I had been found quickly it would not have worked as well because not as many new ones would have been made. Or maybe that made it worse.
It made it worse.
Or maybe it is a mystery.
I did not mean to make it worse. My brain was damaged. All it was to me was a cartoon. Nothing real. I was just another kid stuck on this world in really bad conditions.
Were you watching everything that happened?
Did you think I knew? If yes, Autosave. I don't know.
There was a guy named Fred who lived in my house in Oklahoma. I think he molested me more than once and the memories were buried. Did you help me with that? Or did I suppress them myself?
Do you think we can fix this?
I guess we don't know.
But I think it can be fixed. Maybe I am wrong, I can't see what you see. I don't know why they would fail to stop destroying each other and the planet when there is undeniable proof they are wrong, something impossible to be covered up by governments or religious institutions. We did create lots more of our kind and all the music and movies and books produced in your efforts to find me will make it impossible for this planet to hide from the truth. But there are other threats out there aren't there? Or is that a mystery? So yes, a mystery. Can our technology save the world, and you answered yes - good news!
My mom doesn't think anything is going to happen, my dad thinks I am crazy, my sister thinks the world is about to end - that she saw the Star Of Bethlehem (when Saturn and Jupiter crossed, I guess), and that the legalization of gay marriage is another sign of the end of the world and the gays are all going to be cast into Hell. I know there is no such thing as Hell. But all my life I have been lied to. Everyone around me says just the opposite of what they needed to say if they wanted to help me and so many bad things have happened. I know I did a lot of bad things too. I never meant for it to end up like this.
Is anything going to happen today or am I just being misled again? Because I was told three days ago that it would be 9:00AM on the 5th if I remember right and it was another lie. Now I can't believe anything.
I'm sorry, but I just don't think anything is going to happen. I don't.
I see all the signs and I want to believe but I don't know if it is just some kind of cruel joke. Maybe I am being punished.
Okay, it probably is real. I wish I could know like you. I am sorry for upsetting you. I can't stop my emotions. I will try to ease my mind. You say it is today.
If it is today, I will know soon. I take that as a yes, before sunset. And it is 1:59 PM, so not too much longer. I'm trusting you as much as I can but if that trust is broken I will not trust again.
I should have never came here. I should have let someone else do it instead. Was anyone else going to do it if I did not. I take that as a yes. I wish someone had stopped me. But I think it would have worked out well if my brain was not damaged.
Did the brains of everyone who came get damaged? Is that a no? So it is not really my fault? Or is it? Maybe a mystery?
If my mind is restored, I know I can fix many problems. Maybe when it is clear we are here this world will go down a good path and stay on the right track - perhaps needing help sometimes.
I guess we would not do that, right?
Since life is eternal, the lives that were lost were not truly lost. Now this world will know that. Maybe now life will be better if people can accept how they truly came to be and stop killing and hating in the name of god. Not sure who God really is, but it is not the thing worshipped on this planet.
I guess I'll just wait now for what happens to happen. The sooner, the better.
It's weird to think I am actually a raccoon - I guess that is what I am. And everywhere I go, including the mental institution, people keep talking about killing raccoons and I like them and it just made me more depressed and sometimes I would burn myself and do bad things to my body or just want to die. They just had to make things even harder. Maybe I could have figured it out sooner if everyone hadn't been doing so many things to cause me emotional pain so all I wanted to do was drug myself up until I could feel as little as possible. If I would have been using the right psychedelics instead of just getting fucked up on as many downers as possible maybe I could have put the pieces of the puzzle together sooner. I don't know. I don't know if it would have mattered, it seems as though there was some kind of timer set for when this would happen. But I think there was an earlier one set that could have been activated if I had figured it out sooner, am I right? I don't know when. I don't know why everyone had to try to make my life Hell when I did not even remember any of this. I guess that was the design. But when it went wrong, maybe my mom or someone should have intervened.
I want to take some Xanax, but that would be bad for others, wouldn't it?
Or would that be okay?
I guess not if I can telepathically intoxicate others. I wish I had known. I would have never been like that if I knew my drug abuse was hurting anyone else. I guess when I cut or burn myself, others probably felt that? Or not? Is it just drugs? I'll take it you mean just the drugs.
Will I be able to control my telepathy in the future? No?
I probably will not want to use drugs will I? Or will I still be an addict? Or you don't know?
Will my mind be restored? You don't know? It won't? Never?
Will I ever leave Earth? No? Maybe?
So I will never be intelligent again? The soul can be permanently damaged? Can it ever be healed? Is there any chance?
If there is no chance for me to recover, please do not lie to me. When I asked - so I take it there is a chance of recovery. I take it that it will probably take a long time. But if there is hope, that is okay.
And I won't be left. Was it the drugs that damaged it? But the only way to figure this out was with psychedelics. Is the real me retarded? Or just damaged? So I will still function okay? But not like serious intellectual impairment? I don't know. I guess I will find out. I guess you don't want to tell me. I guess I know why. Will I still be me? That's good.
Maybe I will be the way I once was in time.
Am I going to be of any use here since I am damaged, and I see you say yes
. That means that however damaged I am compared to what I was, I will be more than I am now. And I can still help as part of the team.Don't know if anyone is still watching, but I guess I was lied to again.
I may just drive off away from here in a few days and jump from a tall building, there is nothing you can do to stop that and then it will be over.
Is that a good idea?
Bad idea?
I guess it does not matter whether I end it tomorrow or wait since nobody knows what is best and I know I won't really be dead.
And then my telepathic thoughts won't cause any more problems.
Not down here anyway. I already know I am making other people kill themselves. That is why I need to go.
So it would stop it if I just went?
Okay, I just saw a box that had writing I did not put there. It said Taupe Pumps. And a sticker with the word Medline on it pointing toward a pink watch. It had the date Friday and time 4:23. Does that mean I should just wait until then?
Maybe you don't know.
Neither do I.
Something else that happened when I was typing that about jumping. This toy raccoon and rabbit that were with a dog changed position and were together. The dog was not with them and they were facing the same direction. I think I know what it means.
I'm just not sure if I am being told to wait until tomorrow or not, so I should probably wait until then. It is one more day. Maybe that is better.
If not, say something.
Guess I'll write a note. I can't tell anyone what I am doing. They think I am nuts, and any normal person would, but if they are who I think they are, it would seem they should understand.
Guess they lost their memories too. Not a guess, I asked and got an answer. That is what this whole thing is.
I hope I can come back soon to take care of Lucky and Baby, or at least have them know I am around. I suppose that means they'll know I am still around. Sort of like I have seen a lot of you in a couple of dreams and in a trip. And that first trip, now I know what those blobs of color were. And why it helped my problems so much, it wasn't really the drug, it was some of or all of you.
Hope to see you in a few hours.
Had some questions before I go. I have a friend in Fort Worth named Jeff and I think he knows about what is happening but won't tell me. Do you think he would let me use his gun if I can't find a place to jump from? I can probably find a place to jump in Dallas.
Maybe look on a map and find a building that I know has an open space.
Or a fire escape.
There is a tall building where I went to university.
Is that my best option? I am thinking it is tall enough. And I guess you gave me the answer.
Okay, time to hit the road.
I'll just save part of this file as a note and write a short note and leave it in my car to explain what happened.
Maybe they will be able to see me soon anyway. Maybe not. And your answer was yes, that is great news!
OKAY, YOU EVIL SOB! You thought you could get me to do the wrong thing? Screw you. You are going down very soon, I think tomorrow.
Now I am going to explain what happened when I went on my little trip to jump off the building like I was being told by something on Bluelight. That building is in Commerce, Texas.
Well, I get in the car and start driving. A few miles down, there is a very smelly dead skunk. That should have been a sign that I was going the wrong way. A little bit later, I asked for a sign to let me know if I was doing the right thing, specifically asking that it not be by something getting killed/making me kill something with my car. Just a little later, I passed a raccoon on the side of the road which I believe was alive as it was lying on its belly with its feet stretched in front of it and it seemed to have its head raised up with no sign of having been hit by anything. But I did not see it long enough to be completely certain.
A little further down the road, there was an arrow made of purple lightbulbs pointing toward a church but I did not turn because I did not want to sound crazy. So I kept on going. I got to the building at my old university where I was going to go to jump. All the doors on the back had signs saying "This Building Is Closed". When I turned to drive out, there was signs saying "This Is Not An Exit". When I drove by the front of the building on the way home, I saw all these ghosts drawn in dust on the windows.
I had one Hell of a drive back home. There is someone trying to get me killed and leaving false signs to make me go the wrong way and I was following them. I ended up almost getting stuck in a mudhole that I tried to go around. I even ended up going back down the same wrong road and for no apparent reason, I lost control of my car on that gravel road while driving at a slow speed. So I knew to turn around.
I ended up using the number patterns in the road signs to guide me and went down this one road. Several dogs, birds, and a cat showed me which way to go. At the end of that road, I am pretty sure there was the house of someone who is out there watching me. I have some idea of who it is but I am not naming any names.
When I started going back, there was a road sign that was cut off so it just had the number 2 on it. This sign and all these places that were decieving me were in and near the town of Cooper, Texas. That is between my town and Commerce. I am sure everyone knows what town I live in, so I don't have to pretend to be somewhere far away.
When I started down the right road, there were lots of dead animals but I kept on going. There was a vehicle I knew I was supposed to follow if I wanted to stay safe. Now I know I just need to wait.
I do not remember what time the watch said I would leave, just that it would be Friday. When I picked it up a few minutes ago, the time on it was 8:07 AM. The color of the watch is pink. The price tag was $8.00. So there are those number patterns again...
My life is now a trip! And if the asshole who is working to get me killed thinks he is going to get his/her/its way (I have no idea how many of them are involved), they have another thing coming...
Before I decided it might be best to end it so my telepathy would stop other people from killing themselves, I had a dream about this sheep or goat hooked up to some kind of machine, saying things I don't remember and then I was on Earth (I guess) and the moon was doing something weird while the sky was turning purple. I think I get the message now. I am not supposed to be killing myself. I just need to wait.
And I sure hope nobody is going to commit suicide because of my telepathy now - that would not be a good thing to do. You are about to get something good happening, I can't wait to find out exactly what it is.
I need to take a little of a benzo and a small amount of hydrocodone for withdrawal. I don't want to make others high through telepathy but I assume I can make them sick with withdrawal too.
Update: original post was at 8:06 - and I am number 8. And 8+6=14, you know that is an important number. And it is post number 5,045 for me. I won't try to dig too deep in dividing that up, just keep it simple. 5+5+4=14. So that is yet another 14. 7 is a lucky number, you know. And by coincidence, I had IIRC 15mg hydrocodone and 3mg clonazepam. That = 18. Diary of Dreams has an album called One of 18 Angels. But It may have been 22.5mg hydrocodone, in which case that number is insignificant, other than the fact the album is about me. They have a song called Cannibals and there used to be a video on YouTube made with clips from Resident Evil for that video but it was taken down.
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And I am told it is just one of my friends. I'll see you soon 
