chrissy
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2003
- Messages
- 971
it was a little early to be mad at life, i thought to myself as i watched the candle burn tonight, headphones blaring away, my eyes filled with tears. but i had evidence that i held every right to be and could justify my every word that rushed out from my angered mouth. at you, or you... or even you. doesnt matter that i never met you before, doesnt matter that ive known u a lifetime. doesnt matter if you call me crazy. why?
i have my rights.
searching through my mobile phone for numbers, people that wouldnt even acknowledge me if they met me again. and yet these people are housed safely within my address book. am i hoping they'd call one day when i'm old and grey and mention how i made the least influence in their lives? am i hoping someone will want to take me out tonight and just hug me without reason? without thinking, without wanting anything in return, just put arms around me and tell me i matter? instead i only get dumb replies from people i thought were my friends. and if i call em, they're too busy to catch up, even if i only wanted to ask how their day was. i know for a fact this goes beyond the stereotypical "fishing for compliments". it goes beyond wanting attention. this falls in the category of wanting to feel wanted. needed. loved. genuinely loved. cause it's been a while.
and i have my rights.
but i was told tonight that i shouldn't change, that i should stay the same because i'm great how i am. that coming from a friend of 7 years. and i'm still not satisfied with that as an answer. maybe i'm looking for a way out. or a way to escape whatever it is i'm stuck in. and maybe i need someone else to find out what it is that's holding me back. i could be so blind and distracted that i haven't even noticed what it is, although i bet, like most other times, it's staring me right in the face. it's not fair to put all this on someone. cause they too, have their rights. but so do i. so i'll tell you what it is that i want. what it is that's hiding inside. help me find it. oh, i would say it. but it's so cliche. it's so boring and i can't fathom u going past this line if i endeavour to spill my guts out. but in short, i want to matter. to someone, to everyone, but mostly, to someone special.
i have that right.
and so does everyone. but i fail to meet that criteria too. i feel so distant, so unaware of anything around me because i am so caught up in playing "chris". the "chris" everyone is used to. and i think i changed. i no longer have simple wishes. i no longer have realistic expectations. i no longer succeed at everything, at least in my eyes. and i no longer have faith in myself. and although people still dubb me that, i am no longer someone to look up to. and it hurts, because i realise that- and that's enough. but they don't see that. to them, i am still great. i want to come home each day to a warm body to hug me. to tell me it'll be ok and that although i may be nothing to the world, to him i'd indeed, be the world. and i want to have meaningful conversations with this imaginable body. an artist, maybe. although most seem so caught up in their own world. i should know. maybe a nobody, just like me. but someone to take me into their thoughts and let me explore them. someone to fall asleep to the sound of their voice as they tell me of another theory they have adopted. someone with a great smile that will make even me want to forget all and just smile. although i know what it is i want, it's ironic i find it so hard to describe to you. they weren't wrong when they said sometimes it's hard to put things into words. and i've just commenced and hardly even delved into, a great philosophical essay about my life. and i'm even more confused than when i started. my grade 6 teacher was wrong. things DONT make more sense when you write them down. but i have a right.
i have a right to tell you.
and that's it. that's where i'm at now. and reading back on this, it's plausible to pinpoint this place as none other than, nowhere. and guess what? i'm stuck in that ancient hole staring up at that small circle above, seeing stars. and no one can hear me scream. but i have a right to. so i will scream. i have that right at least.
i have my rights.
searching through my mobile phone for numbers, people that wouldnt even acknowledge me if they met me again. and yet these people are housed safely within my address book. am i hoping they'd call one day when i'm old and grey and mention how i made the least influence in their lives? am i hoping someone will want to take me out tonight and just hug me without reason? without thinking, without wanting anything in return, just put arms around me and tell me i matter? instead i only get dumb replies from people i thought were my friends. and if i call em, they're too busy to catch up, even if i only wanted to ask how their day was. i know for a fact this goes beyond the stereotypical "fishing for compliments". it goes beyond wanting attention. this falls in the category of wanting to feel wanted. needed. loved. genuinely loved. cause it's been a while.
and i have my rights.
but i was told tonight that i shouldn't change, that i should stay the same because i'm great how i am. that coming from a friend of 7 years. and i'm still not satisfied with that as an answer. maybe i'm looking for a way out. or a way to escape whatever it is i'm stuck in. and maybe i need someone else to find out what it is that's holding me back. i could be so blind and distracted that i haven't even noticed what it is, although i bet, like most other times, it's staring me right in the face. it's not fair to put all this on someone. cause they too, have their rights. but so do i. so i'll tell you what it is that i want. what it is that's hiding inside. help me find it. oh, i would say it. but it's so cliche. it's so boring and i can't fathom u going past this line if i endeavour to spill my guts out. but in short, i want to matter. to someone, to everyone, but mostly, to someone special.
i have that right.
and so does everyone. but i fail to meet that criteria too. i feel so distant, so unaware of anything around me because i am so caught up in playing "chris". the "chris" everyone is used to. and i think i changed. i no longer have simple wishes. i no longer have realistic expectations. i no longer succeed at everything, at least in my eyes. and i no longer have faith in myself. and although people still dubb me that, i am no longer someone to look up to. and it hurts, because i realise that- and that's enough. but they don't see that. to them, i am still great. i want to come home each day to a warm body to hug me. to tell me it'll be ok and that although i may be nothing to the world, to him i'd indeed, be the world. and i want to have meaningful conversations with this imaginable body. an artist, maybe. although most seem so caught up in their own world. i should know. maybe a nobody, just like me. but someone to take me into their thoughts and let me explore them. someone to fall asleep to the sound of their voice as they tell me of another theory they have adopted. someone with a great smile that will make even me want to forget all and just smile. although i know what it is i want, it's ironic i find it so hard to describe to you. they weren't wrong when they said sometimes it's hard to put things into words. and i've just commenced and hardly even delved into, a great philosophical essay about my life. and i'm even more confused than when i started. my grade 6 teacher was wrong. things DONT make more sense when you write them down. but i have a right.
i have a right to tell you.
and that's it. that's where i'm at now. and reading back on this, it's plausible to pinpoint this place as none other than, nowhere. and guess what? i'm stuck in that ancient hole staring up at that small circle above, seeing stars. and no one can hear me scream. but i have a right to. so i will scream. i have that right at least.
i have been stuck in many. i actually moved to get out of the rutt i was stuck in 
never been happier since. i still have my down times and depression, but now im doin fine and am back to my old self.