some poems, please comment im only sixteen

[Franklin Waters]

THE ULTIMATE TRUTH
We as humans experience many forms of the Ultimate Truth--
adulterated, of course, by the petty hands of the
bluesuit officials
and the ignorant masses--
but nonetheless, a slice of the Absolute Reality
by which we live.
The Truth is like the sun:
if it's pure and uncensored,
still under the rule of its natural potency;
it'll most likely kill.
Now if it's diluted in some solution
of darkness, it's nowhere near
as dangerous.
And the Truth is like coke:
hits you much harder
if it ain't cut with baking soda
or sugar.
Truth is the main gear that the smaller gears,
the factors and elements of our lives,
rely on. It is the most important,
for if it does not turn, nothing else will turn,
and our existential mechanisms will be profoundly
disturbed.
And that's why it sickens me
to see Uncle Sam
out on the street corner, advertising "freedom,"
and, between his persuasive shouts,
whispering little white lies
to the passersby
through the corners of his American mouth.

FUCK THE AMERICAN INSTITUTION
Political ads on my TV screen;
Poverty lives but goes unseen;
Athletes soaking up the green;
Drugs are evil except caffeine;
Fuck the American Institution.

Paying out my fucking ass
for school & home & car & gas;
If I don't cut the goddamn grass
My neighborhood will lose its class;
Fuck the American Institution.

Squash the spider with your shoe,
but you'd get pissed if it hurt you;
it's fine to kill--it's just a zoo,
and we have nothing else to do.
Fuck the American Institution.

Father, Son, & Holy Ghost--
You don't believe, you lose the most.
He'll burn your ass like fucking toast,
so join the missionary post.
Fuck the American Institution.

Don't you take a single toke,
or else you'll probably have a stroke.
DARE said that it's bad to smoke,
and D-A-R-E don't spell "joke."
Fuck the American Institution.

Blame it all on teenage wrath,
say we follow Satan's path,
give us all a Holy bath--
"666" is easy math.
Fuck the American Institution.

Republican & Democrat;
Short & tall & slim & fat;
Classifying: surely that
is something that we're all good at.
Fuck the American Institution.

"This one here's my favorite gun.
It never fails to get things done.
Shooting things is oh, so fun.
Ignorance is number one."
Fuck the American Institution.

"You have a beard? You Communist!
You have to be a terrorist;
all my friends are really pissed
'cause Muslims actually exist."
Fuck the American Institution.

Finally, I'll end this song.
I'm just a lib, I could be wrong.
But if you think these words are strong,
then please just pass this poem along.
And oh yeah,
Fuck the American Institution.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (REVISED)
Never shall thee make attempt
to hold the Bible in contempt;
never shall thee have a thought
that claims that God is Holy not.
Never shall thee think to sing
a song that mentions anything
but God, the only path to bliss,
the only path to righteousness.
Rather, thee shall make a fool
of one who teaches in his school
that God is not the only path,
or else he'll feel God's Holy Wrath.
Never shall thee disrespect
the pillars holding God erect.
Never shall thee deviate
from any path that God set straight.
Never shall thee disagree
with God's Supreme Authority;
never shall a man rebel
or else he will be damned to hell.
When a child is born on Earth,
he shall be preached to from his birth
that Holy is the one above,
who gives men terror out of love;
and if the child is to deny
the loving God within the sky,
the child shall live in guilt and shame
for living under Satan's name;
and if the child is to pretend
that God is not its truest friend,
the child shall die and rot away,
just like the liberals, Jews, and gays.



Thanks for reading, if you actually did. I appreciate it.
These aren't my best, they're sorta shitty But let me know what you think, please.
Peace,
Franklin

 

[Dr Pepper]

Really diggin "fuck the american institution" keep it up

 

[Franklin Waters]

Thanks man.

 

[ganja god]

Well post your best then. The content and message behind it all shows that your pretty well intelectually developed for a sixteen year old, but I think you need to work a little more on structure. I also think you should develop your voice as a writer a bit, you know something more uniquely you. The Ultimate Truth seems more like a rant with a few clever metaphors with the right indentation to look like a poem, but it lacks subtlety and depth. Still though, like I said, its pretty good for a sixteen year old, your on a good track, I know I was too dumb at sixteen to come up with something like that.

and sorry for spelling and what not, im a little tipsy.

 

[Franklin Waters]

Ha its cool, spelling was pretty on anyway.

Um, I appreciate the feedback. To be honest, I'd rather hear that than "Oh wow this is SOOOO good!"

Because most of the time, people are just saying that and really don't give a rat's ass.

So I appreciate you taking the time to comment and all. Have a good one man

 

[gannetsarewe]

Very good indeed, the first one needs to be revised or rewritten a little to smooth its edges.
There may be too many verses in the second verses of a lesser quality that may lessen its impact, you could excise or improve these.
The third is formally the best yet the narrowness of the target of its polemic and the fact that it is unleavened by the black humour of the other two makes it the lesser of the three for me.
Even the best writers have editors show them to someone whose opinion you respect and ask for their opinion.

 

[johanneschimpo]

"This one here's my favorite gun.
It never fails to get things done.
Shooting things is oh, so fun.
Ignorance is number one."

I enjoyed this part.

 

[structural entropy]

The key way to approach poetry

 

[hbrewste]

i'm diggin' it, man. you've got a way with words.

 

[NomNomNom]

I like 'em, keep at it and you'll only get better. It takes balls to be creative and put yourself out there. Remember, if YOU think it's good, then it's good. If you like doing it then DO it. Find what you think is the best poem in the world and try to write one better. I wrote a bit when i was 17, got a poem published (albeit in a pretty shady bookazine type thing) and just kind of got discouraged and gave up because i didn't have the balls to show other people what i wrote.

Hell, let me take my own advice and resurrect something i wrote when i was like 22 =-D

Tell me why are you so guarded? And why does it seem that you're so hard hearted? Could it be that you're fullly insulated from the blistering cold that we feel?

True the climate is changing, however it seems that our lack of insulation has left us prone to a second, even deeper sense of cold. And what did you do with our 100 Billion Dollars that you souled?

Our SUNS, daughters, sisters, Mothers, and Fathers are out there, what can you tell me about combat? What do you know of survival? What is your planned point of arrival? There is a resort island on Elba and i'm sure that it's no mirage, why don't you fly to the moon to live so that the true peoples of this land can mount a barrage.

On the coasts there exist beacons of light which are capable of ending all plight. Let's put down the knife and strife, refamiliarize the facts, and think about life.

I have Mr. Bush to thank for the inspiration for that A bit lofty sounding maybe, but then again i wasn't 100% in my right mind when i wrote it lol.

 

[Franklin Waters]

Wow that was good. I mean it. I likes the second "verse" especially.

And thanks to all for the feedback.