XkandiExbritEX
Bluelighter
I might as well just post it all at once, better then wasting alot of space on here.
*Hope*
Outside I sit in the rain
I love it so
Because it Hides the tears
That fall down
My pale cheeks....
A way to hide the pain
A way to get away from the world....
I sit in my back yard
Dreaming about what I can never have
The thunder roars threw the distance
Then I see one single star
Emerge from the dark coulds
A sign of hope
And I think to myself
Maybe someday my dreams my come true...
*Questions*
Deep within my soul
Never ending black tears of pain trickle down
No reason to carry on
So very few reasons to smile
So many to cry
I search for the strength to carry on to the next tomorrow
I search for the answers
Reasons for why I can never have a picture perfect life
Sometimes I wonder why I was chosen to life this life
Did a higher power do this as a sick game?
Did it do this to make me stronger?
Did it curse me with this mortal hell to see how long
I can live without going insane?
How can I keep my sanity in a world of constant screams and cries
How can I live another day when there are so many things
that are slowly eating my life away?
Why cant I be like one of them?
Why can my life be simple?
Why cant I have a smile painted on my face
and happy thoughts be burned in my mind?
What did I do to deserve this?
What is going to help me threw life?
What is going to give me the strength to carry on?
Who even cares?
Who hears the dark cries from my soul?
Who realizes that I am at the point where I don't even care?
Is this how it will always be?
Is this my fate?
Is this the pathetic existence that I will have to live on this planet?
*I finally found light*
My dreams have finally come true
For once in oh so long
I feel as if everything is pure bliss
Who knew that the total darkness would go away....
That my never ending tears would finally be no more....
That I would no longer have a reason to cry...
Who knew that the one to lead me to the light....
Would be you....
*is It Normal*
Is it normal to wake up every morning
and pray to a higher being
that within the course of the day
you will end up not having to live the next?
Is it normal to go to bed each night
with a face so eye soaked
that your entire cheeks are covered
in black runny mascrara?
Is it normal to constantly look in the mirror
each and every hour
just to tell yourself out loud
how much you hate yourself?
Is it normal to hold you face down the toilet
and forse yourself to vomit
with hope that you will choke
on one of the chunks of partly digested food?
Is it normal to take a sponge and scrub yourself
untill your skin is so raw that it looks like you
have used a sander on yourself?
Is it normal to hope that this will all soon be over?
*Lesser being*
Lesser being
Below all of those around me
so small to the higher power
So defencless against the acts of others.
Voice so tiny
Thoughts unheard
All alone in a huge world where no one knows my name
I am a lesser being
I will never amount to shit
I hate me.
*to a friend who is now in heaven*
My dearest friend,
You've been there for me threw the times good and bad.....
Now you're gone from my life...
Now you're in god's hands...
If only I could see you...just for one last day...
I'd tell you all the things that I never got the chance say...
I'd hold you in my arms,for one final time....
I would cry to god that I could keep you just that way...
I know that this will never happen...
so now I'll say this to you...
no matter what you're my best friend,
and I shall forever love you.... Now you are in the lords amrs,looking down on me...
It seems like only yesterday you were standing right here next to me,
I thought everything was fine...
I wish you were right here so I could hug you one last time.....
If only I could see your face,how you smile in a cheerful way,
just as I did when we were together for our final day
I'll love you forever,dearest friend of mine.....
*If only*
If I could only tell you
And not just keep my feelings inside
If only you knew what I was thinking
While I was in your arms
I wish I could tell you
That my feelings are so strong
But I keep it all inside
Because I fear being hurt again
I fear that you
May not feel the same way
That I feel about you
I never thought thta I could actially have these Kinds of emotions
For someone again
But it is happening.....
And I feel closer to you as each day goes by
Day by day
Night by night
You are in my mind
If only i could tell you
But I cant
My heart tells me to
But my mind says let it go
I dont know which way to turn....
If only I could tell you..........
*Just to see the blood, Just to see the pain*
Razor blade of silver
May you take it all away
May you show the blood to me
May you show me the pain from the inside
May the blood trickle down slowly
from my upper arm to my hands
Red blood so bright, So pure, So bold against my ivory skin.
Trickle trickle trickle...
*OPEN YOUR EYES!*
Open up your eyes......
Can't you see that we luv you?
That we do care about you?
That we want you to be safe?
Why must you do this to yourself?
Why must you hurt yourself?
Can't you see that when you do that you not only
are destroying your life but you are killing us inside?
Please stop.......
We luv you
We DONT want to see you in a hospital bed....
barely holding on to life while the docters rush
around trying despratly to save you.......
we DONT want to see you aressted,
put in hand cuffs and then put in a cops car
only to end up behind bars........
and we especialy dont want this......
we dont want to have to see you on a slab
at the coroners office...
to have to see you in a casket...
life less...
motionless....
It would kill us all...
To see you like that...
To see that same casket..
lowered into the snow......
*Why*
Why do I bother?
Why do I even care?
why must I put my self threw more pain?
Is it all even worth it?
Will my work,time,and love actully help?
Everyday,I try more
Every time,it ends out to be a waste.....
Why must I bother?
why must I care?
why am I always hurt in the end?
its not fair.....
I am being ripped apart because of the ignorat acts of others.....
Pain,Sorrow,all because I try to help...
Never ending tears of pain......
Am I doing the right thing?
is it right to help those you luv?
even if you get hurt......
Or is this all just a lost cause......
a watse of time.......
*Past*
My past is eating away at my soul day by day.....
Slowly dragging me down to the pits of hell....
How can I forget all that has happened when its permantly burned in my mind?
Sometimes I scare myslef with thoughts
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep with painful images from the past
and yet theres noting I can do
But let them slowly destroy me...
*Someone out there*
In this small world there is only one guy
who I am ment to be with.......
But I wish I could find him now.....
I'm never good enough for anyone....
I doubt I'll ever find *him*
I thought I did and he just broke my heart
I'm on the search for *him* again.....
But I highly doubt he is out there...
I highly doubt that I will find *him*
I'm so sick of crying...
So sick of being hurt....
All I want is someone to hold in the rain....
Someone that I can love.....
Someone who will love me back.....
Is that to much to ask?
I'm starting to believe that it is......
I sit here looking outside my window
and Rain falls from the darked sky
Then I dream about having someone by my side
Then tears begin to fall from my eyes
I'm sick of the heart break
I'm sick of being hurt
All I want is *him*
Is he out there?
*Dear Mommy*
Hi its me,you know,your forgoten child,your first born
Do you remember me?
Its been so long since I have heard from you that I am beging to wonder..
Do you remember what I look like?
even if you do I dont look like that any more...
Do you know what grade I'm in?I highly doubt it.....
Where have you been these past two years mommy?
dont you still love me?
dont you still care?
Mommy where were you all this time?
Mommy do you know anything about me now?
Who was my first boyfriend mommy?
who was my first kiss?
who was my first love?
who are my best friends?
mommy do you even know who I am anymore?
do you mommy?
do you?
I guess not,I dont blame you,
because how can you know your baby or who
she is if you havent bothered to call her in years...
Mommy.....why?
Mommy I really needed you at this age.....
Mommy I have really needed you in my life.....
But you are never there now have you ever been there.....
Mommy....I dont hate you...I still love you....
But you know what Mommy?
after all this time I have wanted you in my life,
I have cried because I never know where you are,
or if you are even alive...
If you truely cared you would at least pick up the phone,
because I know you have the number....
I have grown up so fast mommy,
I am 15 on the outside,
but Im 100 on the inside....
all thaks to you mommy...
I dont hate you,
I love you,
but you know what mommy?...
I never want to see you again....
if you werent there during the most important times in my life,
then dont be in it at all,
I dont need someone who is going to come in and out of my life forever....
sincerely,
Your forgoten child
*Have you ever*
Have you Ever felt lost?
Have you Ever thought that maybe you are not who you thought you were?
Have you Ever sat there wondering when did it all change?
Have you Ever thought about how happy you once were?
Have you Ever dreamed of actually being someone?
Have you Ever wished you werent alone in this world?
Have you ever thought someone was a friend...
and they stab you in the back?
Have you Ever thought you were in love
then they rip out your heart?
the world is changing before me and I can't stop it...
nothing is as it once was,
I wish I could only go back,back to times when I didn't get hurt,
times when I felt secure,
times when I felt so care free...
Copyright ©2002
*Holding it in my heart,Hiding my feelings again*
(french)
Je souhaite que vous pourriez voir combien je t'aime.....
.Je souhaite que je pourrais vous dire comment je me sens...
Mais je verrouille mes sentiments à l'intérieur de
mon coeur parce que je craigne que vous ne sentez pas la même voie
*Nothingness*
No more emotion
On the inside is just death
I no longer hurt
I no longer feel
I no longer care
Just simply exsist on this world
I am nothing more then but an empty vesil
totaly empty on the inside
I no longer have a soul
I now live in a world
Of pure nothingness
*Grains Of Sand*
I still and gaze at the hour glass as little grains of
sand fall and precious seconds of my young life slowly fade away...
I slowly age.
I look at th world around me and all
I see is people with un-open hearts.
un-open minds.
totaly un-enlightened to the world around them.
I walk amoung them and search for my long lost grains of sand...
My long lost child-hood that I never truely had.
I then realise that what I have lost I can never re-gain...
I am doomed to die eventualy.
I can never have those moments of innocence back again
*I Hate My Life*
I hate my life...
I hate living in a world where my voice is never heard
I hate people...
I hate it all...
Why?
Why was I even born if life was going to be nothing more then pure hell?
if in the end there
There truley was a god
and he told me I was to be condemened to the pits of hell....
I would say..
"Bring it on...because noting could ever compair to the pure pain in which I have
suffered on this earth"
*This if for*
This is for the time you made me smile,
This is for the lies,
This is for all the endless nights,
When I did was cry,
This is for the laughter,
This is for the fears,
This is for our first kiss,
This is for the tears,
This is for tomorrow,
This is for all the pain,
This is for the sorrow,
This is for all I went threw and the little that I gained...
This is for the words unspoken
*tears fall down face*
*Hope*
Outside I sit in the rain
I love it so
Because it Hides the tears
That fall down
My pale cheeks....
A way to hide the pain
A way to get away from the world....
I sit in my back yard
Dreaming about what I can never have
The thunder roars threw the distance
Then I see one single star
Emerge from the dark coulds
A sign of hope
And I think to myself
Maybe someday my dreams my come true...
*Questions*
Deep within my soul
Never ending black tears of pain trickle down
No reason to carry on
So very few reasons to smile
So many to cry
I search for the strength to carry on to the next tomorrow
I search for the answers
Reasons for why I can never have a picture perfect life
Sometimes I wonder why I was chosen to life this life
Did a higher power do this as a sick game?
Did it do this to make me stronger?
Did it curse me with this mortal hell to see how long
I can live without going insane?
How can I keep my sanity in a world of constant screams and cries
How can I live another day when there are so many things
that are slowly eating my life away?
Why cant I be like one of them?
Why can my life be simple?
Why cant I have a smile painted on my face
and happy thoughts be burned in my mind?
What did I do to deserve this?
What is going to help me threw life?
What is going to give me the strength to carry on?
Who even cares?
Who hears the dark cries from my soul?
Who realizes that I am at the point where I don't even care?
Is this how it will always be?
Is this my fate?
Is this the pathetic existence that I will have to live on this planet?
*I finally found light*
My dreams have finally come true
For once in oh so long
I feel as if everything is pure bliss
Who knew that the total darkness would go away....
That my never ending tears would finally be no more....
That I would no longer have a reason to cry...
Who knew that the one to lead me to the light....
Would be you....
*is It Normal*
Is it normal to wake up every morning
and pray to a higher being
that within the course of the day
you will end up not having to live the next?
Is it normal to go to bed each night
with a face so eye soaked
that your entire cheeks are covered
in black runny mascrara?
Is it normal to constantly look in the mirror
each and every hour
just to tell yourself out loud
how much you hate yourself?
Is it normal to hold you face down the toilet
and forse yourself to vomit
with hope that you will choke
on one of the chunks of partly digested food?
Is it normal to take a sponge and scrub yourself
untill your skin is so raw that it looks like you
have used a sander on yourself?
Is it normal to hope that this will all soon be over?
*Lesser being*
Lesser being
Below all of those around me
so small to the higher power
So defencless against the acts of others.
Voice so tiny
Thoughts unheard
All alone in a huge world where no one knows my name
I am a lesser being
I will never amount to shit
I hate me.
*to a friend who is now in heaven*
My dearest friend,
You've been there for me threw the times good and bad.....
Now you're gone from my life...
Now you're in god's hands...
If only I could see you...just for one last day...
I'd tell you all the things that I never got the chance say...
I'd hold you in my arms,for one final time....
I would cry to god that I could keep you just that way...
I know that this will never happen...
so now I'll say this to you...
no matter what you're my best friend,
and I shall forever love you.... Now you are in the lords amrs,looking down on me...
It seems like only yesterday you were standing right here next to me,
I thought everything was fine...
I wish you were right here so I could hug you one last time.....
If only I could see your face,how you smile in a cheerful way,
just as I did when we were together for our final day
I'll love you forever,dearest friend of mine.....
*If only*
If I could only tell you
And not just keep my feelings inside
If only you knew what I was thinking
While I was in your arms
I wish I could tell you
That my feelings are so strong
But I keep it all inside
Because I fear being hurt again
I fear that you
May not feel the same way
That I feel about you
I never thought thta I could actially have these Kinds of emotions
For someone again
But it is happening.....
And I feel closer to you as each day goes by
Day by day
Night by night
You are in my mind
If only i could tell you
But I cant
My heart tells me to
But my mind says let it go
I dont know which way to turn....
If only I could tell you..........
*Just to see the blood, Just to see the pain*
Razor blade of silver
May you take it all away
May you show the blood to me
May you show me the pain from the inside
May the blood trickle down slowly
from my upper arm to my hands
Red blood so bright, So pure, So bold against my ivory skin.
Trickle trickle trickle...
*OPEN YOUR EYES!*
Open up your eyes......
Can't you see that we luv you?
That we do care about you?
That we want you to be safe?
Why must you do this to yourself?
Why must you hurt yourself?
Can't you see that when you do that you not only
are destroying your life but you are killing us inside?
Please stop.......
We luv you
We DONT want to see you in a hospital bed....
barely holding on to life while the docters rush
around trying despratly to save you.......
we DONT want to see you aressted,
put in hand cuffs and then put in a cops car
only to end up behind bars........
and we especialy dont want this......
we dont want to have to see you on a slab
at the coroners office...
to have to see you in a casket...
life less...
motionless....
It would kill us all...
To see you like that...
To see that same casket..
lowered into the snow......
*Why*
Why do I bother?
Why do I even care?
why must I put my self threw more pain?
Is it all even worth it?
Will my work,time,and love actully help?
Everyday,I try more
Every time,it ends out to be a waste.....
Why must I bother?
why must I care?
why am I always hurt in the end?
its not fair.....
I am being ripped apart because of the ignorat acts of others.....
Pain,Sorrow,all because I try to help...
Never ending tears of pain......
Am I doing the right thing?
is it right to help those you luv?
even if you get hurt......
Or is this all just a lost cause......
a watse of time.......
*Past*
My past is eating away at my soul day by day.....
Slowly dragging me down to the pits of hell....
How can I forget all that has happened when its permantly burned in my mind?
Sometimes I scare myslef with thoughts
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep with painful images from the past
and yet theres noting I can do
But let them slowly destroy me...
*Someone out there*
In this small world there is only one guy
who I am ment to be with.......
But I wish I could find him now.....
I'm never good enough for anyone....
I doubt I'll ever find *him*
I thought I did and he just broke my heart
I'm on the search for *him* again.....
But I highly doubt he is out there...
I highly doubt that I will find *him*
I'm so sick of crying...
So sick of being hurt....
All I want is someone to hold in the rain....
Someone that I can love.....
Someone who will love me back.....
Is that to much to ask?
I'm starting to believe that it is......
I sit here looking outside my window
and Rain falls from the darked sky
Then I dream about having someone by my side
Then tears begin to fall from my eyes
I'm sick of the heart break
I'm sick of being hurt
All I want is *him*
Is he out there?
*Dear Mommy*
Hi its me,you know,your forgoten child,your first born
Do you remember me?
Its been so long since I have heard from you that I am beging to wonder..
Do you remember what I look like?
even if you do I dont look like that any more...
Do you know what grade I'm in?I highly doubt it.....
Where have you been these past two years mommy?
dont you still love me?
dont you still care?
Mommy where were you all this time?
Mommy do you know anything about me now?
Who was my first boyfriend mommy?
who was my first kiss?
who was my first love?
who are my best friends?
mommy do you even know who I am anymore?
do you mommy?
do you?
I guess not,I dont blame you,
because how can you know your baby or who
she is if you havent bothered to call her in years...
Mommy.....why?
Mommy I really needed you at this age.....
Mommy I have really needed you in my life.....
But you are never there now have you ever been there.....
Mommy....I dont hate you...I still love you....
But you know what Mommy?
after all this time I have wanted you in my life,
I have cried because I never know where you are,
or if you are even alive...
If you truely cared you would at least pick up the phone,
because I know you have the number....
I have grown up so fast mommy,
I am 15 on the outside,
but Im 100 on the inside....
all thaks to you mommy...
I dont hate you,
I love you,
but you know what mommy?...
I never want to see you again....
if you werent there during the most important times in my life,
then dont be in it at all,
I dont need someone who is going to come in and out of my life forever....
sincerely,
Your forgoten child
*Have you ever*
Have you Ever felt lost?
Have you Ever thought that maybe you are not who you thought you were?
Have you Ever sat there wondering when did it all change?
Have you Ever thought about how happy you once were?
Have you Ever dreamed of actually being someone?
Have you Ever wished you werent alone in this world?
Have you ever thought someone was a friend...
and they stab you in the back?
Have you Ever thought you were in love
then they rip out your heart?
the world is changing before me and I can't stop it...
nothing is as it once was,
I wish I could only go back,back to times when I didn't get hurt,
times when I felt secure,
times when I felt so care free...
Copyright ©2002
*Holding it in my heart,Hiding my feelings again*
(french)
Je souhaite que vous pourriez voir combien je t'aime.....
.Je souhaite que je pourrais vous dire comment je me sens...
Mais je verrouille mes sentiments à l'intérieur de
mon coeur parce que je craigne que vous ne sentez pas la même voie
*Nothingness*
No more emotion
On the inside is just death
I no longer hurt
I no longer feel
I no longer care
Just simply exsist on this world
I am nothing more then but an empty vesil
totaly empty on the inside
I no longer have a soul
I now live in a world
Of pure nothingness
*Grains Of Sand*
I still and gaze at the hour glass as little grains of
sand fall and precious seconds of my young life slowly fade away...
I slowly age.
I look at th world around me and all
I see is people with un-open hearts.
un-open minds.
totaly un-enlightened to the world around them.
I walk amoung them and search for my long lost grains of sand...
My long lost child-hood that I never truely had.
I then realise that what I have lost I can never re-gain...
I am doomed to die eventualy.
I can never have those moments of innocence back again
*I Hate My Life*
I hate my life...
I hate living in a world where my voice is never heard
I hate people...
I hate it all...
Why?
Why was I even born if life was going to be nothing more then pure hell?
if in the end there
There truley was a god
and he told me I was to be condemened to the pits of hell....
I would say..
"Bring it on...because noting could ever compair to the pure pain in which I have
suffered on this earth"
*This if for*
This is for the time you made me smile,
This is for the lies,
This is for all the endless nights,
When I did was cry,
This is for the laughter,
This is for the fears,
This is for our first kiss,
This is for the tears,
This is for tomorrow,
This is for all the pain,
This is for the sorrow,
This is for all I went threw and the little that I gained...
This is for the words unspoken
*tears fall down face*
