Some Insight on a Sticky Situation Would Be LifeSaving.

[kn00n3]

Let's see. ...I'm in love with this beautiful, kind, guy. Though he's "straight". I'm gay. Or technically trans.. though I'm years away from having the surgeries I need to become the "woman" that I feel myself to be on the inside. As well as financially, far as well.
I digress.
We've been together nearly 2 years. He loves the fact that I am pretty much like a female, and way before we even started dating, he says that he seems to see me as a female. "Through the flesh, into the soul." I mean. Great! Right? Physically: Perfect. Mentality [besides his addiction]: Perfect! And we click.. like.. amazingly. Too good to be true!
Well, it is. Lol.
He claims, at times, that my ass is sometimes "better than pussy." Sometimes, depending on like, certain situations... "feels just like pussy", he says. Which, is cool. You know. Cause I have super low self-esteem [I suffer from bipolar; schizo; adhd], and am always pestering him if he wants either, an open relationship; or just to occasionally fuck a female.. to have his fix.
"I just want you,"; "I'm not that vain, and superficial,"; etc etc.
Not just that, he ranked his past partners by certain qualities, where I was ranked the highest. So. 1 other guy before me, and about 6 or 7 females before me. And I got top score.
Which, you know. Makes me feel pretty fucking great, ya know?
Well, it wasn't until recently, when shit started to come into fruition. Like... ugh. This is hard. >.>
We're wanna be amateur porn stars, lol. Like. I can take a pounding. And he can give a pounding. So. It's only natural. Right? lol... So. He uploaded some videos onto a site [which he got around the time we started dating, ironically] and, like.. I guess created a fan base? Idk. Anyways. I was checking it out. Where I stumbled upon a comment of his, referring to my previous offer, and saying how faithful he is, and he doesn't want to hurt me, though he does want some pussy. Lol.
There's that.
Not only that, though sometimes we will indulge with some meth. And like. He immediately goes from loving, and caring, to cold, distant, and almost disgusted with me. >.>
Well. Last night, it didn't happen like that. We took pictures. Walked around. Talked. Then I wanted to add some spice into our relationship.. so I told him to pull over, and started sucking him off. Of course, I knew damn well that after smoking some black, and some crystal, that getting him erect would be a task... but he did indeed say he was horny, and well... I love him. So. I decided to go for it.
It didn't go far. So, I took another risk, and put on some mobile porn on my phone. And if you know me, that's a huge step. Well. He ended up getting fixated on it. Telling me we should drive to a new spot, so I drove, as he watched. And like. I eventually stopped to interact with him. Engaged in the video's, and tried to partake. He didn't like that. lol. Well. It never progressed into something engaging, and intimate. Instead, it turned into a nightmare.
There's a few other incidents that aren't worth adding, these are just the most recent... and on the way home, I just wanted him to interact with me. So I grabbed my phone and turned it off. He like begged to have it back. He didn't like it when I said no. And. He attempted to comfort me, by like, touching me for a second, and like, backing off. It was as if I had some disease. It made me feel like shit. Lol. I was so close to crying. Like. I can tell he wanted to be around anyone else but me. And anything with a penis out there. Lol. Idk.
Idk. I feel like shit. And I'm crying typing this.
My point, initially was just to ask how I should handle the situation. Like. Give in and let him sleep with other people while still dating him? Even though I feel like.. idk. I deserve better than that. Then again. Maybe I don't, ya know? Like. Does that make me a prude? Selfish? Meh. Like. I want him. He makes me really happy like.. sober. Not on meth. Lol. And meth is indeed a rarity. Eh.
I was also going to ask... is the anus that much different than the vagina? I know it's tighter, and not naturally lubricated. Though, most of what I read, those are the only differences.
Idk. Man. I think I should just let him go. Like.
Ugh. And I live with him, and his family. And I start a new job in the area soon. Like. Fuck. I don't have the means, or expenses to move somewhere else. Shit. Man.
Idk.


Some insight would be great.
I don't expect much... if anything at all.

Sorry for wasting your time.
Thank you if you took the time to read this, and cmmnt below.

 

[GodandLove]

Let's see. ...I'm in love with this beautiful, kind, guy. Though he's "straight". I'm gay. Or technically trans.. though I'm years away from having the surgeries I need to become the "woman" that I feel myself to be on the inside. As well as financially, far as well.
I digress.
We've been together nearly 2 years. He loves the fact that I am pretty much like a female, and way before we even started dating, he says that he seems to see me as a female. "Through the flesh, into the soul." I mean. Great! Right? Physically: Perfect. Mentality [besides his addiction]: Perfect! And we click.. like.. amazingly. Too good to be true!
Well, it is. Lol.
He claims, at times, that my ass is sometimes "better than pussy." Sometimes, depending on like, certain situations... "feels just like pussy", he says. Which, is cool. You know. Cause I have super low self-esteem [I suffer from bipolar; schizo; adhd], and am always pestering him if he wants either, an open relationship; or just to occasionally fuck a female.. to have his fix.
"I just want you,"; "I'm not that vain, and superficial,"; etc etc.
Not just that, he ranked his past partners by certain qualities, where I was ranked the highest. So. 1 other guy before me, and about 6 or 7 females before me. And I got top score.
Which, you know. Makes me feel pretty fucking great, ya know?
Well, it wasn't until recently, when shit started to come into fruition. Like... ugh. This is hard. >.>
We're wanna be amateur porn stars, lol. Like. I can take a pounding. And he can give a pounding. So. It's only natural. Right? lol... So. He uploaded some videos onto a site [which he got around the time we started dating, ironically] and, like.. I guess created a fan base? Idk. Anyways. I was checking it out. Where I stumbled upon a comment of his, referring to my previous offer, and saying how faithful he is, and he doesn't want to hurt me, though he does want some pussy. Lol.
There's that.
Not only that, though sometimes we will indulge with some meth. And like. He immediately goes from loving, and caring, to cold, distant, and almost disgusted with me. >.>
Well. Last night, it didn't happen like that. We took pictures. Walked around. Talked. Then I wanted to add some spice into our relationship.. so I told him to pull over, and started sucking him off. Of course, I knew damn well that after smoking some black, and some crystal, that getting him erect would be a task... but he did indeed say he was horny, and well... I love him. So. I decided to go for it.
It didn't go far. So, I took another risk, and put on some mobile porn on my phone. And if you know me, that's a huge step. Well. He ended up getting fixated on it. Telling me we should drive to a new spot, so I drove, as he watched. And like. I eventually stopped to interact with him. Engaged in the video's, and tried to partake. He didn't like that. lol. Well. It never progressed into something engaging, and intimate. Instead, it turned into a nightmare.
There's a few other incidents that aren't worth adding, these are just the most recent... and on the way home, I just wanted him to interact with me. So I grabbed my phone and turned it off. He like begged to have it back. He didn't like it when I said no. And. He attempted to comfort me, by like, touching me for a second, and like, backing off. It was as if I had some disease. It made me feel like shit. Lol. I was so close to crying. Like. I can tell he wanted to be around anyone else but me. And anything with a penis out there. Lol. Idk.
Idk. I feel like shit. And I'm crying typing this.
My point, initially was just to ask how I should handle the situation. Like. Give in and let him sleep with other people while still dating him? Even though I feel like.. idk. I deserve better than that. Then again. Maybe I don't, ya know? Like. Does that make me a prude? Selfish? Meh. Like. I want him. He makes me really happy like.. sober. Not on meth. Lol. And meth is indeed a rarity. Eh.
I was also going to ask... is the anus that much different than the vagina? I know it's tighter, and not naturally lubricated. Though, most of what I read, those are the only differences.
Idk. Man. I think I should just let him go. Like.
Ugh. And I live with him, and his family. And I start a new job in the area soon. Like. Fuck. I don't have the means, or expenses to move somewhere else. Shit. Man.
Idk.


Some insight would be great.
I don't expect much... if anything at all.

Sorry for wasting your time.
Thank you if you took the time to read this, and cmmnt below.

Where are you from baby?

You definitely deserve better. The fact that you have to ask shows that you're uncomfortable with the situation and you're probably thinking that if others say yes, then you can convince yourself that it's okay for him to screw around on you. But it's not okay sweetie, it's really not. You deserve better.

How old are you by the way? Why do you live with him and "his family"? Does he live with his mommy and daddy or something? No offense.

Anyway, as for your other questions pertaining to buttsex, ummm, I actually like buttsex better than vaginal sex. It's much more arousing and IT INDEED DOES FEEL MUCH BETTER. For the record, I love fembois and sissy pantie bois and transgirls. Something about bois channeling and expressing femininity drives me WILD. It's because I'm a true Alpha.

 

[Bearlove]

Wow that is a confusing situation - this guy is obviously very open when it comes to sex. If he has lived with both guys and women prior to you then its a bit natural for him to say on a porn site that your hosting that he fancies a bit of pussy. Just because he has said he physically fancies a bit of pussy does not mean that he is not happy with you or that he is even thinking about cheating on what you have.

I think that the mix of drugs and porn are having a negative effect on your relationship with this guy - if he is using porn to get his sexual satisfaction due to not being able to get hard from the drugs he is taking then it's easy to understand why your not happy (has nothing to do with your gender). When you took the porn away from him and almost chastised him for wanting it (even though you really got him in the mood) it was probably like you just stopping mid sex and leaving him with blue balls. After that then I can understand why he felt a bit cold or even distant around you.

You were probably angry at him and he was probably annoyed at you and didn't really want to be cuddling up with you.

You have asked him if he wants an open relationship and he has told you 'no'. He may be working through some of his own emotions as during your transition period to the woman you want to become you could be a mix of what he actually wants.

He may enjoy pussy but not the connection with the woman, may enjoy anal with a guy but not the connection.

 

[kn00n3]

Thank you for the well thought out replies.
Things have been getting better... I should mention that I have schizophrenia and I get really insecure in relationships. This man has never cheated on me, nor has he treated me wrong. I have the tendency to read really far into the simplest things, such as applying situations in TV shows to my reality. Sometimes I skirt on the cusp of delusion and reality, and my mind is constantly bombarding me with negative thoughts and feelings, telling me that my man doesn't want me, that he wants something else, that I'm not good enough.

Though he constantly reassures me that I am more than enough for him, that he loves me and that even though growing up he was mainly attracted to women, he feels such a strong bond and connection with me on top of his physical attraction to me that he couldn't fathom being with anyone else.

We do heroin. Sometimes he has trouble staying hard when we have anal sex. He says that it bothers him and it makes him feel like less of a man. I feel as though he does the drug to get out of having sex with me, that he really isn't that attracted to me... It's a constant battle between having to side with my insecurity and doubt which has served to protect me at times, I think, versus believing him. The fact of the matter is I end up hurt when we have to stop having sex because it simply isn't enjoyable for either of us with limp dicks. We'll get horny on meth though, and despite arguing for hours and him having to deal with me constantly accusing him of wanting someone else and cheating on me and hiding people in the garage whilst I shower- we end up having sex multiple times and for long, exciting periods.

Does heroin kill his sex drive? or does it null the sensation so much that arousal is retarded?

Like I said things are going better. Im trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him , though sometimes I think he really wants a girl on the side or something. Again he constantly says otherwise. But, sometimes, Im just convinced. I really appreciate your input- and this is something I almost literally have no one to talk to about. If you guys could give me any more advice I'd really, really appreciate it.

Please? Ugh, I sound so pathetic. But I really do like this guy, maybe even love him, he's talking about enlisting and maybe spending alot of his life with me. Maybe I'm just scared. I'm scared to move forward if our sex life suffers, though we plan to get on suboxone therapy before he goes to sign the papers in order for us to get clean. Time will tell.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

OK kn00n3, since you asked for advice I am going to give you some. It will not be what you want to hear.

Break up with him, as you deserve someone better, who is not into drugs, or who does not get angry like this.

Take some time off for yourself and work on your own issues with the mental health issues you have, and the drugs you're using, and learn to love yourself for who you are and work on self-confidence. This is not being selfish.

Good luck, and stay safe.