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Mental Health Social skills and long term solitude

Ody

Ody

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 9, 2007
Messages
525
Location
Poor and Rural Occupied Mexico
I find it impossible to develop a social life. I have had this issue all of my life, I am now a young adult and I feel jealous of society. I was bullied throughout public school and I used to fantasize killing people. I cannot have employment without social skills. I cannot have a social life without such skills. I don't know how to take up my time other than getting drunk, I've spent this entire year alone. I talk to myself and to voices in my head so I don't feel so lonely. I don't think I can find friends now that I am of a certain age, everyone has their social circle. I don't care for people I have met and they do not care for me. Time heals all wounds, but I can't escape loneliness. The only recourse I have developed is drug use, and I am broke so I cannot sustain this. I feel trapped by a world that doesn't care, I have no automobile and all the therapists in my county are out of city. I don't feel much enthusiasm for waking up as all the days blend together. I have no one to put on my references list for employment as I am 23 and I have no job experience. I want to end my misery by all means, I have only so much coping skills and I am being put thin. All the voices in my head are mine, but I feel like murdering myself that my best friends are all inside me. I want to have a social life but I would argue things are solid against it. So how do I break something so hard up on me, the idea that I should be a social creature. Some level of comfort is needed to live a life. Hobbies themselves and "social clubs" don't seem to work. I am also physically disabled so I am stuck with non contact sports, which limits my chances. Anyone here have tips of coming to terms with an inability to maintain a social life or interpersonal interaction?
 
I'm sorry for you Ody. My situation is similar to yours, except that I am 3 1/2 decades old and my disability is mental/emotional, not physical. My social life is limited to close family, plus whatever scant interaction I do online.

<snip>

I've come to appreciate aspects of my loneliness. I have time to work on my hobbies without interruption, time to go on long nature hikes and enjoy my surroundings. In some ways I miss having a girlfriend, but then again the last one I had was driving me insane (along with other issues that were cropping up from my subconsciousness). And unfortunately, I never felt a really deep connection with her, and it is this way with the few new people I do meet from time-to-time.

If you really wish to be less isolated, then over time you may be so. You will need to overcome the barriers separating you from others, and only you know what those are. And remember, many people aren't as "connected" as they seem, they just appear to be more social. Everybody has their walls, but not everybody lets them show.

Good luck to you.
 
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I'm the same way as you Ody, and have no idea how to change. Drugs sex and partying are the three things I crave and I aint getting any of them.
I haven't been part of a social circle of any sort for about two years now, since high school, and it's slowly getting to me. With nothing to look forward to in life or to strive for, I've been distancing myself away from society even more and wasting myself away in my room in front of my computer.
To be honest at this point I don't feel like I can ever change and all I want is to drug myself and rave to deafening, aggressive, anti social music.
Can't think of anything worse than being aware of the fact I'm a social outcast and after all this negativity and suffering in silence I will shut my eyes once and for all and slowly rot away.
Lose my mind.
 
This forum..no, this site is full of people that share your experience. You are not crazy, our media-hyped world surely is, though.

I agree with exists that two things are essential; that you make peace with solitude and that you recognize that if you do need social interaction and relationships that you continue to try new avenues to make that happen. The old cliché that nothing can happen in defeat is probably truer than anything. It hurts to try over and over again and fail and yet it is exactly those failures that teach us we need new ways of perceiving and acting.

To be a warrior rather than a victim means finding belief within that you can create your life, that it will be influenced but not defined by others. You are not alone.<3
 
I've been more or less isolated since moving and a relationships ending. I used to have regular friends in my home-town, but those didn't hold. More like they didn't call me enough to make me budge, as I naturally keep to myself often. Not that people didn't try.

I hang out with one guy... But had it not been for him renewing contact over these years, I probably would have let it die... Not that I don't want friends.

I have multiple food allergies, and chemical/fragrance sensitivities that can make life hell being around others. I used to get headaches and my chronic pain would magnify, around people. I never knew why, but I have an idea as to possibly why... I know now why they hurt me: Their chemicals.

I want a life... But I don't want misery. Though, that seems to come anyways.

I still keep in contact, less and less over the years, with people I grew up with. I still consider them friends, but they live at opposite corners of the country.

I hate how I have had to isolate myself. I can't even eat with people. I guess I can bring my own stuff but sometimes that's a hassle. Eating is such a big part of a social life.

I'm on OkCupid... It doesn't make a lot of sense really. Any girl I meet gives me a headache because of some product she uses. I've had interest on there, in me. I have forewent letting anything build because of this disorder. Some have even got mad because I used it as an excuse not to meet her, not understanding. I told her what would need to be for us to meet. Another I would have liked to be friends with at least but didn't see the point. Sweet girl... but has to let it go. She liked me more than I liked her... and the sensitivities.

Its like prison.

Ody, do you play any games on online? That, besides family, and the one friend I rarely ever see (now moving for work), and the grocery I am a regular at are about my social life. But gaming can sort of fill the hole. ...I also go to movies, alone, and some of what I enjoy is the proximity with others/sharing feelings simultaneously... Even though I'm not with them and prefer a space between us. Not that that is why I go to movies but it is somewhat of a bonus- I could see it that way.

As I've gotten older I have been more accepting that I am social... I just stick to myself because of issues with health. I accept being alone, but prefer company sometimes.

I feel jealous of society as well. They get to eat pizza. They get to drink. They get to go out to dinner on a Friday night...
 
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exists said:
I'm sorry for you Ody. My situation is similar to yours, except that I am 3 1/2 decades old and my disability is mental/emotional, not physical. My social life is limited to close family, plus whatever scant interaction I do online.

<snip>

I've come to appreciate aspects of my loneliness. I have time to work on my hobbies without interruption, time to go on long nature hikes and enjoy my surroundings. In some ways I miss having a girlfriend, but then again the last one I had was driving me insane (along with other issues that were cropping up from my subconsciousness). And unfortunately, I never felt a really deep connection with her, and it is this way with the few new people I do meet from time-to-time.

If you really wish to be less isolated, then over time you may be so. You will need to overcome the barriers separating you from others, and only you know what those are. And remember, many people aren't as "connected" as they seem, they just appear to be more social. Everybody has their walls, but not everybody lets them show.

Good luck to you.
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I appreciate the concern, it just feels a little odd. I get more interaction with media characters than individuals. I don't know the barriers separating me from having a social life, outside of my "contigency" mind which governs my behavior. I don't have a functional contemporary mode of operating with interpersonal thingies. I can only come up with drug use, cinema, music maybe thats about it. And no one wants to just sit anymore and do nothing, atleast with a kook.

My bad on the block text to start off this forum discussion. Apparently whole forums exist around the concept of solitude in many forms. RE : plmar and what32 yeah I guess the internet provides a form of interaction but unfortunately I grew up in this shitty web 2.0 world so it all feels like a super strong xerox machine between people or some shit.
 
One thing that helped me was focusing on older people when I was young. It started with getting close to an older landlady/next door neighbor. I felt I could completely be myself--like she was a grandmother but not. The thing is I could tell how lonely she was and I wanted to help which is how I first started going over. In time I realized that I was getting every bit as much out of it as she was. She was 82 when I met her and 92 when she died. I credit her with getting me through a very insecure and difficult time when interaction with my peers felt very scary and dissatisfying. Through my gradual ease relating to her, things began to slowly develop with one or two peers and then continued out from there. Intergenerational friendships are really lacking in modern societies. I think the other aspect of our relationship that was so beneficial to me was that I initially thought I was doing it to help her and it brought me out of the over-focus on myself and my needs as separate from others.
 
herbavore said:
One thing that helped me was focusing on older people when I was young. It started with getting close to an older landlady/next door neighbor. I felt I could completely be myself--like she was a grandmother but not. The thing is I could tell how lonely she was and I wanted to help which is how I first started going over. In time I realized that I was getting every bit as much out of it as she was. She was 82 when I met her and 92 when she died. I credit her with getting me through a very insecure and difficult time when interaction with my peers felt very scary and dissatisfying. Through my gradual ease relating to her, things began to slowly develop with one or two peers and then continued out from there. Intergenerational friendships are really lacking in modern societies. I think the other aspect of our relationship that was so beneficial to me was that I initially thought I was doing it to help her and it brought me out of the over-focus on myself and my needs as separate from others.
Click to expand...

This is a really cool story, and one I can partially relate to. I remember being in kindergarten, and not wanting to play on the playground with other kids. Instead, I opted to sit on the grass, next to the teacher. I preferred talking to adults, even before I started school. To this day, most of my friends are old enough to be my parents. I simply get along with older people better.

OP, is it an option for you to enroll in some sort of class? If not college or vocational school, at least some sort of art class, etc.?
 
Op I can relate to u as well..I have no social life, friends, boyfriend, nothing.. my best friend is my ten year old niece, I'm 30...the solitude is getting to me..I get out but always by myself.. I crave friends but have no idea how to make them..I can't small talk to save my life..my only outlet*this place...I want to be social and have friends so bad..if I died today noone would even be at my funeral..
 
First, get a job. Min. wage, back of the house, so social skills aren't too important but you can at least start meeting people.

Next, look up free classes (anything--try find free yoga class/music/ anything really). Start taking them and getting involved with your community.

Lastly, every time you go somewhere, talk to the workers! At least, say, hi, how is your day or how are you doing? They will usually say it first, so just make sure to reciprocate. :) Don't forget to smile!

Baby steps but you got to want to take the first one!
 
What 23 said:
Ody, do you play any games on online? That, besides family, and the one friend I rarely ever see (now moving for work), and the grocery I am a regular at are about my social life. But gaming can sort of fill the hole. ....
Click to expand...

At one point, I was in a similar situation, and at the same time became addicted to a game caled Travian. To play efficiently, you need to make up alliances. These meet in skype rooms.

Over a period of time, friendships were developed, as people would talk about their lives off screen, and kids for example.

At one point, a group of us Aussies decided to met up in RL, and flew from various states to Melbourne for a friday night dinner, w hich we have repeated at least once since, and are due to do again, (even though some of us have moved on from the game.
Two of those people have formed a relationship, and one of those two moved interstate to live with the other.

So, yea..sometime s a random event can have benicial impacts on your social life. I may add that of these "gamers' there werea very wide range of people , but most of the ones I had contact were mostly professional , over 25, one (besides me) is a BLer.
 
I feel lonely too some times and when I'm anxious it affects my conversation skills. I am not often anxious about any particular conversation\social situation but about something totally unrelated. Occasionally though everyone experiences social anxiety. Just remember that the person your talking too could be even more anxious than you! I wouldn't worry too much. And good advice about talking to older people. Its hard to have a conversation with people my age because endless bar stories and viral videos and pop culture bull shit make me want to shoot myself in the fucking head! I'd rather talk about politics, religion, history, fucking real shit that involves using my brain a bit!

Also would like to add that the best way to overcome a fear is Exposure Therapy. Find a way to do the shit you don't want to do. Whatever that is. Whenever I catch myself having an irrational fear about a situation I consider exposing myself to that situation. This can work but you may need therapy or medication. Good luck. PM me anytime as well.
 
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"Unless you have experienced it, being shut up in a small place by yourself, unable to see or talk to anyone else, is not the easiest thing in the world. No matter how tough a person might be, eventually they are going to make a sound..."

"I haven't been living in very spacious places up till now."

"I want you to be very careful. If a person remains tense for a long time they might not notice it himself, but it's like his nerves are a piece of rubber that has been stretched out. It's hard to go back to the original shape."

~ Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

This excerpt from the book I'm reading kind of exemplify what was brought to mind when I read your post.

For how long have you believed yourself separate from the so-called 'social world'?
 
As a schizoid I am familiar with isolation. It can drive you mad, but be enlightening...a twisted balance, for sure. My advice to you is never believe that it's to late to meet new people. All it takes is walking up to any random person and they could be your next best friend. Seems far-fetched, sure. But guess what? That's how everyone else does it as well. :)

<3

EDIT: gotta say the rest of the advice here is awesome as well! people on BL know whassup, and all of this advice will add up and definitely help in the short and long term.

Peace
 
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