social anxiety sucks.

i had two presentations to do this week for school. last tuesday i had to present bing.com, explain how to work it and all that dumb shit. today i had to present my OWN web page for my HTML class. i had to take 5mg of xanax on each day. i thought 3mg would do the trick, but nope. i thought 5mg would be a little much, but it was perfect. which fucking sucks. for sooo long now i've been managing my anxiety with xanax. i ran out of other options when my insurance ran out. i was doing so good. i would only buy a few, and take .5 when i had to do important things. then i would save my last 1mg for months, knowing that i had that one little blue pill, just in case, was enough to keep me sane.

lately i've been really depressed. my social anxiety has gotten so bad that i rarely ever leave my house. i make excuses constantly as to why i can't go out. i don't feel comfortable enough to answer my own telephone. i hate driving. i don't go anywhere alone usually. i just really hate the way i'm living right now. i don't feel comfortable in my own skin. i've experienced withdrawal before and it was horrible. and i know it's coming soon. i was going to try and taper off, but then these presentations came up and they seriously made me feel like i was going to vomit every time i thought about it. i can't even describe the feeling. and my mind would get consumed with these negative thoughts, that i KNEW were irrational but there was nothing i could do about it. it's hell.

and the ONLY thing that ever makes me feel comfortable, is xanax. fuck tolerance, and fuck social anxiety. and especially fuck depression and FUCKING BEST FRIENDS WHO KILL THEMSELVES AND FUCK MY FUCKING HEAD UP FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE.

 

My social anxiety has improved a lot over the years, but public speaking still terrifies me (not that I've had to do much of that since I dropped out of uni). I was prescribed clonazepam when I was 18 for anxiety, and it did work well, but unfortunately I've developed a high tolerance and a dependence to that drug now. Have you considered cognitive behaviour therapy - CBT? That can work wonders for learning how to cope with stress, anxiety, depression, etc. It helped with my anxiety heaps. Good luck!

 

thanks my friend. i want CBT. i was in therapy for a couple months but when i turned 21, i got booted off my parents insurance. my goal now is to get a job, so i can go back to therapy. but i've been saying i'm getting a job for almost a year now. even just the thought of going out and hunting for one freaks me out let alone asking for applications and the interview that follows. i know i gotta suck it up and do it though. can't keep living like this.

 

CBT is great, but look into EMDR too. It worked wonders for my social anxiety, general anxiety and depression. I'm too tired to post a link ATM, but I'll try to get something out to you in the next day or two.

And I agree. Social anxiety is miserable. I've lost so much time because of it.