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Social anxiety, how to make reality more bearable

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MaddTime

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 15, 2009
Messages
51
Location
Fallen through a trap door
Hey TDS. I know a lot of people on here have had a similar issue as mine, and I was hoping to get some help/advice.

The thing about me is that I feel I cannot face reality on it's own terms. Whenever there is some social or other event, I immediately seek something-a substance-with which to filter reality through. Often times, for big occasions, I end up overdoing it and making things worse for myself.

Soon, I am going to meet an attractive girl for the first time with whom I've had conversations over the internet. For me, this will be a monumentally anxious event, and I know that I cannot face her sober. Hell, I feel the need to consume substances to even deal with my family!

Yes, I know this is an illness and as soon as I can afford it I will seek professional help, but for the meantime, what can I do about this? What should I do for this potentially game-changing event of meeting this girl, and to a larger degree, what should I do about the problem overall?
 
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Hey man, i have something pretty similar it's a bit like social anxiety. Its pretty hard to overcome and i dont think taking drugs is the way to do it. Will be interested in the responses
 
Hi MaddTime, I'm actually going to change the title of your thread if you don't mind (please PM me if you have a problem with this, I am happy to discuss it), because it seems that while you recognise that you need help with social anxiety, in the best interests of this forum and to adher with the guidelines of The Dark Side, it's not really appropriate to ask questions like "which drugs can I do to best cope with my problems". Know what I mean?

Okay so as you said, you acknowledge that you have social anxiety. Firstly you need to know that this is actually a really common thing for people to suffer with, possibly much more common than you realise. I know that doesn't make it any less unbearable for you right now but it might help to make you feel less alienated about what you experience.

Secondly, what actually happens when you are out in social situations (when sober)? Does anything bad actually happen?? Or does your anxiety mainly occur during the anticipation/build-up leading up to a social event? If you have been in a social situation whilst sober any time recently, how did you feel once you'd actually gotten there and started talking to people etc? Did you actually feel embarrassed or overwhelmed once you'd actually settled in to the situation?

The reason that I ask all these questions is that I suffer from social anxiety a bit as well, and moreso recently as my alcoholism has been getting worse. But I find that when I really think about it, my anxiety completely revolves around the anticipation of social events, the "what-ifs", the possible awkward scenarios and the possible stupid things I might say that I make up in my head. When I actually arrive in the social situation, nothing bad actually happens.....it was all in my head and I was just freaking myself out with no actual basis to be having those thoughts.


The alarm bells are ringing when I see that you're asking for methods/substances to use in order to feel comfortable and relaxed when you're first meeting this girl, when you've already mentioned that in the past you have taken substances (and too much) for your social anxiety and made a fool of yourself and felt worse. Do you want to risk that happening again when you meet this girl?? She wants to meet YOU man, the real you, without the effects of any substances.

I say that you should go sober. I know it's hard, I know it's scary, but if you just try and remind yourself that the anxiety that you feel leading up to the event is normal, that you will be okay and nothing bad is going to happen, do you think you will be able to do it?
 
It can be overwhelming dealing with social anxiety, but I suspect more people experience it at least to some degree than we would expect. I know for me I often freeze up and just can't say anything when I'm in a group setting so I just kind of shrink away.

What helps me is to remind myself that fears are mostly based on false beliefs. For me it is thinking that whatever I have to say is irrelevant or that people will judge me harshly. Another thing that is helpful is to remember that any kind of judgment coming from people is usually based more on their own issues rather than anything that has to do with you.

But slowly edging your way in and pushing the limit of what kind of social interaction you feel comfortable with may also be helpful. I still have a lot of anxiety in social situations but over the last year I've been able to push myself bit by bit out of my comfort zone and it has been helping.

Lastly, accept the way you are. Our society puts a lot of pressure on being extroverted communicators but this isn't the way everybody is. Not everybody is a big talker or super confident in social environments. I certainly am not and get lost when conversation moves too quickly. If this is the case for you it isn't necessarily a fault to be removed, simply to adapt in order to be able to function without feeling overwhelming fear.

So good luck on your date :) You can always mention something online like "You know I can be pretty shy when I first meet somebody" or just slip in some comment like that. But whatever happens I hope you have a good time and don't stress too much. She is probably just as nervous as you :)
 
I have the same problem. I get very nervous and anxious when I'm in a social setting. Often I'll exclude myself and avoid contact with anyone. I don't know what to say when I'm around some people, my mind freezes and I think that if anything comes out of my mouth it will sound stupid and embarrassing. So, I just say something like 'hi' with a less than enthusiastic manner and show obvious signs of nervousness.
When I'm on prescription amphetamines I feel like that's the only opportunity I have to be socially acceptable and confident in a group of peers. I would always take amphs before going to a kick back or party because I wanted to be super confident and vibrant. If I went anywhere sober I'd be the awkward sketchy looking guy. And not just amphs, but I've tried this with weed and alcohol as well, just to put my mind in a place of less worry than sobriety. But I hate having to take amphs just to feel like the super human I crave.. I want to be like that every day but I know that getting hooked on amphetamines isn't beneficial.
At the moment I'm looking to set an appointment with a counselor regarding issues of mine, mainly social issues. I want to work to improve how I behave and present myself to others without nervousness, anxiety, or the desperate urge to alter reality with a substance. It just takes mental fortitude to overcome, and seeing a guide or counselor wouldn't be a bad idea. They could have other clients with the same problems who you could meet and work with together. I'm slowly improving my social anxiety as time goes by, but substances are temporary, they won't last forever and will make you feel worse if you find the need to use them every time you're confronted with a socially stressful situation. Exercise and a healthy diet can improve confidence and relieve anxiety. That along with counseling would be great imo :)
 
That was me just last year: I needed a pill, and even as I knew it was a placebo effect (It wasn't possible to feel a "rush" after just swallowing a pill) I still needed it, so, after properly tapering, I replaced drugs (benzos in my case) with less harmful drugs (Lyrica in my case) I cut my dose, and my body started to forget about the high or rush, and eventually, within a couple months, I received a friends I had never talked to while sober, and I found myself being the same funny, carefree, smart guy my friends seem to think I am.
A little therapy helped a LOT (ericksonian hypnosis therapy), it didn't make any sense to me, I can't fix a neuotransmitter unbalance of GABA in my brain just by talking? Didn't make any sense to my analytical brain.
But it did. I still don't completely get it, and it seemed like magic at the time, but it didn't matter wheter I understood it or not, it worked.

Best of luck!
If you encounter any problems just think of me, I'm going through the same right now, and until the day I die, for I won't be taking any drugs ever again. People like us do this every day, and will do it again. So I'm right there with you.
 
Many of us have been there, I'm going through the same problem right now..
When encountering people who I'm not totally comfortable around I freeze up and get very nervous: chills down the spine, sweating, and not saying a word..
And I'm a pretty big, intimidating looking guy so a lot of these people take it the wrong way and since I'm not open and outwardly friendly, they become intimidated too....which really really sucks!
I was pretty much the highschool loser and I blame it on my social anxiety..
Ugh, I'm just a boy inside the body of a man (n)

I think drugs can assist with this issue, but it'll never cure it. Diet, exercise, and proper sleep will certainly make you feel better, and it might help a little bit, but the problem will usually stick around.
It takes a lot of work, that's for sure..But don't ever feel like you're alone. Many (and I mean ALOT) of us go through the same problems.

Drugs aren't always the answer, but if they help you then they help you - just make sure you stay safe man.
 
I thank you all for the replies. It really is nice to have a group of people who can provide reassurance and support.

I want to get this out of the way first, because I don't want to be misinterpreted. To n3ophy7e, I def. was not asking for which substances to take for this occasion (I'm afraid I don't need any help with that :| ).

To be honest, the last time I remember doing something social sober I, like many on here, became laconic, nervous, and could not get the need to consume something to remedy the aforesaid out of my mind.

I am also afraid of being judged. I fear that my attempts at humor or wit will fall flat. Sometimes I'm successful but the times that I flub will most definitely come back to haunt me unexpectedly, months-even years later. To this day, my brain will spontaneously say, "hey fucker, remember when you did this in high school five years ago." and I'll literally have to shake my head or make some noise to get rid of the thought.

I agree that society pushes us to believe in the ideal that everyone must be an extroverted, confident communicator to be accepted and most, if not all, people buy into it.

I can relate to Garden Man because, although I'm actually rather thin, I still come off as intimidating because of my stern gaze and quiet demeanor.

I'm very intrigued by Charles Ferdinand's post. What was your personal experience with 'ericksonian hypnosis'? Do you remember what was said while you were hypnotized? What kinds of things did you talk about? and when did you first notice a difference in your social interactions?
 
if you want to beat social anxiety force yourself to do things that make you uncomfortable.. I know its hard but trust me over time when you keep doing things you dont wanna do you start to get used to it....

build up self esteem confidence and love yourself first...

I would see a good therapist and do some CBT and therapy it will probably help you alot..

SSRIS can help ppl alot with social anxeity as well..


personally i believe the only way to get rid of fear is to face it repeatably and it looses its power on you
 
Hey man I really know what you're talking about, when you feel fucked when there's too many people, or just people you don't know? It's weird, it's a really uncomfortable feeling. I don't know a lot about it because I'm fucked with it too, but sometimes what helps is if you try really hard to wonder why it matters to you what these people think. As in, if you feel uncomfortable about yourself around some people, just ask yourself, "why do I care what they think?". And a lot of times (I find) an answer doesn't come very soon. I think the best option for everything is, stop overthinking it, just do what you feel is right, and don't regret it if you make a mistake, just understand what you did wrong and don't do it again. People are more forgiving than you probably think, just try to think the best of everything to a reasonable extent, and you'll find most people will do the same back to you.
 
oxycontin is the only thing that makes me feel normal

but its only a temporary solution, weight lifting and cardio helps abit because it burns off all my excess adrenaline which is sky high when ever i am outside of my house.
 
Well I can explain it roughly, what I remember:
you close your eyes and sit in a comfortable position when you don't need to move, then you start to relax all your muscles, first you pay atention to you toes, contract them then relax them, then while relaxed you move on to you legs, and so on.
After that you start to breath deeply, holding your air for a bit and every time you release your breath you feel a litte better throwing the anxieties you identified beforehand outside your body: for example, your fear of looking people to the eyes.
Then you pick a color (any) and travel to your conscience and idealize each and all of all your fears as an object or thing (I thought of them as boxes and hard-drives containing protocols instructing my mind to act anxiously) and then you destroy and throw them out and instead you paint every damaged area of your brain with your color, which represents healing.
The therapist convinces you your brain is a powerful and perfect machine that can and will fix itself and by throwing all those fears you let it do it, then you take a briefcase and travel to every part of your body and brain you think has a problem and take out of your briefcase whatever tool you need to repair whatever you dont need and do it. Then you instruct your ID (the deepest part of your conscience) to start fixing itself and getting rid of all anxieties, doing whatever it takes to accomplish that.
More or less that was it.

I felt good inmediatly, I dissociated (depersonalization) a bit while doing that, I felt I was out of my body, working on it and my therapist was talking to me as if she were 20 meters away but she was sitting next to me. I never believed in psichology and mocked it every time I could, but it occurred to me that I should gave it an honest try, play along and follow her instructions, becuase I wanted to cure myself, and didn't go there and paid my therapist just to mock her, and if that worked I wouldn't care wheter it was crap or not as long as it worked.
I felt inmediatly relaxed, and as days went by I started to feel better, stopped getting panic everytime I ran out of Lyrica or my herb tea, started talking to people normally, at their eyes, and I was conscius I was doing that and was marveled and astonished. Eventually it started to feel normal, as if it was how I was supposed to act all my life.
What she did to me is called Solution focused brief therapy (SFBT) and it is a form of Brief Therapy.
Developed and influenced heavily by Milton H. Erickson.
Hope that helps, if you got any more questions or need anything please do PM or post it here and I will help you.
Best Regards!
 
The Rock Monster said:
I used to have pretty bad social anxiety. I got over it though. How? Socializing.
Click to expand...

This is a really good poing, simple yet effective :)

Desensitisation is a common way of treating all different types of phobias, so it makes sense that if you have a phobia of socialising (which is basically what soxial anxiety is), you can treat it by exposing yourself to that which you fear, i.e. socialising :)
 
The best way to get over social anxiety is to put yourself in uncomfortable social situations. I developed pretty bad anxiety/social anxiety when I was about 15. For a time in my life, I really made an effort to overcome it. Everyday, I would force myself to go out of my social comfort zone. Although I still had anxiety, the social anxiety was no longer an issue, and almost nonexistent. Its important to continue to putting yourself out there if you want to keep the social anxiety away, because I stopped doing it, and now I am back to where I once was.

MaddTime, I think you should also take into consideration that the girl doesn't matter. There's an abundance of attractive women EVERYWHERE. If you "fuck it up" with her, so what? Move onto the next. I know its easier said than done. Good luck.
 
i have pretty bad SAD and recently i have been abusing drugs to make me more secure...but i realized i need to stop always desperately trying approval from my peers and for them to be really good friends, but that is all bullshit. not anymore i dont give a shit if they like me or not or if im cool or if im wierd. im fucking laCster a sexxy mothefucker who is smart and funny and a perfectly normal human being. i like who i am and you just have to accept yourself for who you are. it can be hard around other people, always thinking they are judging you even though they are probably not, and being insecure about your body so you shrink away but this is who you are, my suggestion is say screw it, i dont need people that i dont feel comfortable around... i have a terrible time making friends but i do have some peers that i have known for a long time and who are true friends, they are few but i dont give a fuck, i use to be such a tool and let people use me but in reality i dont need those fucking people anymore. i never needed them and i amm so buch better without them.. keep your head high man, you will eventually meet people who will like you for who you are
 
I think u shud change your mindset. Your building up these things in your head and over thinking them to the point you become overwhelmed. Be open minded about it instead of convincing yourself you'll make a fool out of yourself. The more you think about it the more you'll start to focus on every little detail and it'll just go downhill.

Just take it swiftly, go with the flow, and don't mindfuck yourself
 
You can be here all day long reading posts and contemplating on "how you should approach this problem", but the only real solution is to actually do what you're afraid of.... and realize it's not the end of the world even if it doesn't go how you imagine it in your head.

That girl, she's just a human being... Don't put her on pedestal too much... Talk to her just like you're taking to your pal every day.... I mean, what's the worse thing that can happen?
 
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