Sobriety isn't for me.

[tommy34]

I know this thread has been done many times before but I need to vent my frustration.

So basically I don't like Sobriety. I have a bit of experience with opiets but I think they are pretty much the only thing I really enjoy. Speed and the intense euphoria feels weird. Being that happy feels wrong in a way and the depression for weeks after is almost unbearable. Acid shrooms an weed jus make me anxious. But opiets give me a big warm hug and tell me everything is okay.

I feel like I don't belong in this world but I can't leave because I've got shit to do an people that need me. I think I was put here to help people that aren't as lucky as me. Which is why I'm starting a social worker degree after I finish the course I'm doing now.

I'm just worried that if I find a source of a good Opiet ill start using. When I'm high its the old time I feel close to normal.

 

[NeighborhoodThreat]

But opiets give me a big warm hug and tell me everything is okay.

I can really sympathize with you man. Opiates are the drugs that make me feel normal, in fact, when I first started doing them, I wondered I had been depressed or anxious or whatever my whole life. Scary stuff. Turns out I do have an anxiety disorder. Anyway, I really feel for you man.

 

[Bojangles69]

Yes I agree opiates are really the "drug of life". They seem to intensify all natural enjoyable things that accompany natural life (except sex lol). Ambition, motivation, energy w/out hyperstimulation, relaxedness, content, thats what opiates do.

Problem however is tolerance/addiction and how the effect of opiates changes overtime. And what I mean is even for people who can moderate their habits long term (me, I've never been the type to use
more than 1-2 a day and its never really for a nod, just for a tiny boost everyday) the effects change over time.
The only way I could truley ever think opiates were for me, or I'd be on them my entire life, is if tolerance didn't exist. There is NO WAY to consistently feel good on them w/out persistently raising the dosages. And raising the dosages makes it impossible to function due to the change of balance between therapeutic and negative side effects. The more I use the less therapeutic they always become, and the more I have issues functioning in daily life.

And remember this is from a fairly minor-moderate habit. I cant understand how some people on here function on 200-300mg oxy habits or 10 bag heroin habits a day. High doses very quickly kill any motivation I have to do normal things, like go to work, work out, start a conversation with a girl. I simply do not care to do that stuff and moreso will go out of my way now to avoid it. Then side effects like hypersomnia, weight gain, digestion problems, blood pressure issues, opiates seem to have a rapid aging effect taken at any dose. And if I'm not constantly raising the dose (which I don't) I always feel worn out just maintaining.

I think its obviously relative to the person but I think for anyone, after a long enough time opiates will break them down. They really do devour your spirit for normal human activities/relations. At first they make me want to talk more and do more, but its too soon I have to stop raising my dose at some point (for money) and then interest for everything goes out the window.

If I go the rest of my life on opiates its going to be a short and very depressing life. I won't have that natural discontent in myself to always want to be improving and evolving like most people do. Like I'm trying to do the same thing you are with social work, but theres no way in hell I will do social work while I'm on drugs. Fuck that. Not just because its hypocritical, but if they ever find out I'm using drugs bye bye certification and bye bye future opportunities to actually do social work sober.

I look around at normal people worrying about paying their bills, worrying about their taxes, worrying about keeping food on the table, worrying about becoming successful at their job, worrying about getting married and having kids... then I look at myself and think "wtf happened". I genuinely have 0 interest in any of that shit. Can't pay bills? Fine I'll just live on the streets and get high. Put me in a fucking shit stuffed cardboard box as long as I have my opiates I don't care. And that is precisely the issue imo. I'm not excited in anyway to get off them so I can experience what worrying is like, and so that anxiety can motivate me to better myself. Its really a horrible position to be in.

So "wait, quit opiates basically so I can feel the natural fears and anxieties everyone else does... so I can become ambitious and want to make something of myself"? Thats a hard decision to ever wanna make. Its very much a trap. One for the fact that while I'm on opiates I'm not interested in doing anything in the first place. So I have to go through hell just before I enjoy normal things. Then once I do enjoy normal things and expose my self to real life (holding down a job, focusing on health, raising kids) I'm also exposing myself to a much higher level of stress. I NEVER KNOW which road I want to take, ever.

Everyday its like "hmm maybe I'll figure it out tommorow", I never figure it out. I'm glad you think opiates are for you. But I definitely do not think they are for me. They turn people into somewhat of a robot, all their intellectual and emotional resources are exhausted focusing on just one thing [more drugs] and you fail to actually be human anymore by my definition. You stay on opiates long enough and I believe they will flatten your emotions like a pancake. Then when it comes time to come off those emotions you will feel times a thousand. And that won't be fun. I don't want to be an emotional pancake lol, and I sure as hell don't like the idea of wds/paws... but if thats what it takes to become human again, and interested in the simple things, then thats what I obviously have to do. I guess everyones process is just different.

 

[forbiddenlife5]

you can go see a doctor, most people don't like being sober so your not alone, but it's excessive use of opiates or any drug that starts to create problems, most people can't control themselves and atleast at one point become addicted to something, and some realize how it eventually makes them feel even worse than being sober and change, and others just regret ever picking up the drug or becoming addicted to it, you could be depressed and their could be other issues.

 

[tommy34]

I have depression and anxiety and i've been to the doctor and been on SSRIs. All they do is give you pills or tell you to see a psychologist, which I am going to do. I just keep thinking about spamming an Oxy into my veins, i feel like a addict but i've never used in that way. I've known since I was about 15 that the way i would die would be suicide. I accept that but I know I have to struggle until the time is right. Whenever I tell someone, even the doctor, they either say "but you don't seem depressed " or just think I'm going through a rough time. I guess after such a long time I've become too good at covering up the pain with a smile.

 

[drscience]

I have depression and anxiety and i've been to the doctor and been on SSRIs. All they do is give you pills or tell you to see a psychologist, which I am going to do. I just keep thinking about spamming an Oxy into my veins, i feel like a addict but i've never used in that way. I've known since I was about 15 that the way i would die would be suicide. I accept that but I know I have to struggle until the time is right. Whenever I tell someone, even the doctor, they either say "but you don't seem depressed " or just think I'm going through a rough time. I guess after such a long time I've become too good at covering up the pain with a smile.

Same here.

I can relate to much of this post.

best to try to remember times before you ever got high. like when u were a kid

 

[maybeimamazing]

Same here.

I can relate to much of this post.

best to try to remember times before you ever got high. like when u were a kid

G'morninn ya'll...i just joined on BL yesterday, and i now havd a new addiction, i'm so glad i found all of ya'll! i've been on here nonstop!
I can relate to everythng and everybody on here kindred spirits i guess...

i've been an opiate addict/user for many years. tried really hard to stop with the help of suboxone, but all i did was abuse them, (3-4 8mgs a day) guess i really don't want to quit, i just don't want the negative effects and the wreckage & destructon that occurs as a result.
ex: last year i'd taken 16 mgs of bupe one monday morning, drank a bunch of white wine,, drove & got in a wreck totalling my convrtible sportscar w/ no insurance. got a second DUI, tore my shoulder, requiring surgery, (hence, now REALLY NEEDING pain meds, ironically) so i did 30days in that hell-hole jail, detoxing like a mofo. then i lost my great job, apt, my family turned against me, etc....
was once sober & in AA & NA for 4 yrs, but this past yr. i've been doing the yo-yo dance. i'll go maybe a week and inevitably something would trigger me, and i was off once again. i'd take as many as 40 10mg. of hydrocodone and drank and did coke or x here & there.
i scored tonght, opana, and i'm feeling like guilty and a hypocrit. i crushed & snorted 2 30 mgs. of opana er, and just got a slight buzz, similar to 3 10 mg lorcet. my tolerance is crazy high and i just don't feel really good unless i am chemically altered.
so i've got a monkey on my back, his name is king kong! i ask myself all the time why i can't just be like a "normal" person, and live life on life's terms...we as addicts are just wired differently: once a cucumber becomes a pickle, he can't go back to being a cucumber!

so i'm trying to re-build my devastated life, but it's SO damn hard. i'm fooling myself thinking i can continue like this, i've done rehab, meetings, vegan diets and lots of exercise, counseling, church, etc but truth be told, absolutely nothing feels as good as opiates to just fix everything; my little happy bubble is back! welcome home!
i've got so much to lose i don't ever want to go through another year like 2010. oh yeh, and i even tried suicide by taking 90 blood pressure pills, but it didn't work, guess i'm suupposed to be hee, but God hasn't told me why yet.
anyway, i'm sorry for talking so much, i just haven't done so in awhile and i love that you guys on here feel my pain, cuz im with ya'll all the way...
maybe i'll get sober again, maybe i'll just go on to the bitter end, as they say in AA. sometimes all i know is that i don't know! yep! til later, peace & love to everyone suffering....

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I have depression and anxiety and i've been to the doctor and been on SSRIs. All they do is give you pills or tell you to see a psychologist, which I am going to do. I just keep thinking about spamming an Oxy into my veins, i feel like a addict but i've never used in that way. I've known since I was about 15 that the way i would die would be suicide. I accept that but I know I have to struggle until the time is right. Whenever I tell someone, even the doctor, they either say "but you don't seem depressed " or just think I'm going through a rough time. I guess after such a long time I've become too good at covering up the pain with a smile.

Opiate cravings and thoughts about use will decrease with time as you continue your life without using opiates.

Many people struggle with suicidal ideation; feel free to PM me if you need help talking about it.

 

[tommy34]

G'morninn ya'll...i just joined on BL yesterday, and i now havd a new addiction, i'm so glad i found all of ya'll! i've been on here nonstop!
I can relate to everythng and everybody on here kindred spirits i guess...

i've been an opiate addict/user for many years. tried really hard to stop with the help of suboxone, but all i did was abuse them, (3-4 8mgs a day) guess i really don't want to quit, i just don't want the negative effects and the wreckage & destructon that occurs as a result.
ex: last year i'd taken 16 mgs of bupe one monday morning, drank a bunch of white wine,, drove & got in a wreck totalling my convrtible sportscar w/ no insurance. got a second DUI, tore my shoulder, requiring surgery, (hence, now REALLY NEEDING pain meds, ironically) so i did 30days in that hell-hole jail, detoxing like a mofo. then i lost my great job, apt, my family turned against me, etc....
was once sober & in AA & NA for 4 yrs, but this past yr. i've been doing the yo-yo dance. i'll go maybe a week and inevitably something would trigger me, and i was off once again. i'd take as many as 40 10mg. of hydrocodone and drank and did coke or x here & there.
i scored tonght, opana, and i'm feeling like guilty and a hypocrit. i crushed & snorted 2 30 mgs. of opana er, and just got a slight buzz, similar to 3 10 mg lorcet. my tolerance is crazy high and i just don't feel really good unless i am chemically altered.
so i've got a monkey on my back, his name is king kong! i ask myself all the time why i can't just be like a "normal" person, and live life on life's terms...we as addicts are just wired differently: once a cucumber becomes a pickle, he can't go back to being a cucumber!

so i'm trying to re-build my devastated life, but it's SO damn hard. i'm fooling myself thinking i can continue like this, i've done rehab, meetings, vegan diets and lots of exercise, counseling, church, etc but truth be told, absolutely nothing feels as good as opiates to just fix everything; my little happy bubble is back! welcome home!
i've got so much to lose i don't ever want to go through another year like 2010. oh yeh, and i even tried suicide by taking 90 blood pressure pills, but it didn't work, guess i'm suupposed to be hee, but God hasn't told me why yet.
anyway, i'm sorry for talking so much, i just haven't done so in awhile and i love that you guys on here feel my pain, cuz im with ya'll all the way...
maybe i'll get sober again, maybe i'll just go on to the bitter end, as they say in AA. sometimes all i know is that i don't know! yep! til later, peace & love to everyone suffering....

Thank you for sharing and welcome to bluelight maybe bluelight is just what you need to help you get your life back on track.

Thanks Captain, I may take you up on that offer some time soon. I really should stop making so many posts on here about how much life sucks. I really have nothing to complain about, I have a great relationship with my mum and sisters. Mum struggled but she battled through it like the trooper she is to raise me and my sisters to be the people we are and I can't put into words how proud I am off her. Ive always has food, water and a warm bed.

But I feel like I don't belong here. I'm different from everyone else and the only people that get me are on a website . Today I was at work an I said something to one of the ladies that was there and she just fully attacked me like "are you on drugs, your on something today" I tried to walk away an tell her to shut up but she just kept going on and on. I wanted to scream at her an tell her to shut the fuck up and stop picking on me because she is bitter about the fact that she is 50 an had a dead end job an has never gotten anywhere in life. (Sorry a bit of a rant about her).

The point is I always feel like I'm different from everyone else and sometimes I just can't hide it and my crazy comes out. I do my best to hide it all the time but sometimes I just can't. I feel awkward around everybody and I try to just act shy. Everybody thinks I'm such a nice boy with a big smile but they would be shocked to see the darkness and to listen to my thoughts. They shock me...

 

[Kastr0]

Good luck to you man, sounds like you got a good idea of where you wanna be just put your mind to it and you can get anywhere in life! All the best! :D

 

[BanginMyLifeAway]

I know this thread has been done many times before but I need to vent my frustration.

So basically I don't like Sobriety. I have a bit of experience with opiets but I think they are pretty much the only thing I really enjoy. Speed and the intense euphoria feels weird. Being that happy feels wrong in a way and the depression for weeks after is almost unbearable. Acid shrooms an weed jus make me anxious. But opiets give me a big warm hug and tell me everything is okay.

I feel like I don't belong in this world but I can't leave because I've got shit to do an people that need me. I think I was put here to help people that aren't as lucky as me. Which is why I'm starting a social worker degree after I finish the course I'm doing now.

I'm just worried that if I find a source of a good Opiet ill start using. When I'm high its the old time I feel close to normal.

i feel u on that...

acid/shrooms used to be funnier when i was young but i dont think id want that now
never did like any kinda speed much ....

i do still enjoy smokin.. and i like pain meds but i dont usually do them for a high
i actually got pain in my back and it gets pretty unbearable ,,,so usually self medicate

but i been sober for coming on 3 months and it sucks

 

[oliphill]

Yes I agree opiates are really the "drug of life". They seem to intensify all natural enjoyable things that accompany natural life (except sex lol). Ambition, motivation, energy w/out hyperstimulation, relaxedness, content, thats what opiates do.

Problem however is tolerance/addiction and how the effect of opiates changes overtime. And what I mean is even for people who can moderate their habits long term (me, I've never been the type to use
more than 1-2 a day and its never really for a nod, just for a tiny boost everyday) the effects change over time.
The only way I could truley ever think opiates were for me, or I'd be on them my entire life, is if tolerance didn't exist. There is NO WAY to consistently feel good on them w/out persistently raising the dosages. And raising the dosages makes it impossible to function due to the change of balance between therapeutic and negative side effects. The more I use the less therapeutic they always become, and the more I have issues functioning in daily life.

And remember this is from a fairly minor-moderate habit. I cant understand how some people on here function on 200-300mg oxy habits or 10 bag heroin habits a day. High doses very quickly kill any motivation I have to do normal things, like go to work, work out, start a conversation with a girl. I simply do not care to do that stuff and moreso will go out of my way now to avoid it. Then side effects like hypersomnia, weight gain, digestion problems, blood pressure issues, opiates seem to have a rapid aging effect taken at any dose. And if I'm not constantly raising the dose (which I don't) I always feel worn out just maintaining.

I think its obviously relative to the person but I think for anyone, after a long enough time opiates will break them down. They really do devour your spirit for normal human activities/relations. At first they make me want to talk more and do more, but its too soon I have to stop raising my dose at some point (for money) and then interest for everything goes out the window.

If I go the rest of my life on opiates its going to be a short and very depressing life. I won't have that natural discontent in myself to always want to be improving and evolving like most people do. Like I'm trying to do the same thing you are with social work, but theres no way in hell I will do social work while I'm on drugs. Fuck that. Not just because its hypocritical, but if they ever find out I'm using drugs bye bye certification and bye bye future opportunities to actually do social work sober.

I look around at normal people worrying about paying their bills, worrying about their taxes, worrying about keeping food on the table, worrying about becoming successful at their job, worrying about getting married and having kids... then I look at myself and think "wtf happened". I genuinely have 0 interest in any of that shit. Can't pay bills? Fine I'll just live on the streets and get high. Put me in a fucking shit stuffed cardboard box as long as I have my opiates I don't care. And that is precisely the issue imo. I'm not excited in anyway to get off them so I can experience what worrying is like, and so that anxiety can motivate me to better myself. Its really a horrible position to be in.

So "wait, quit opiates basically so I can feel the natural fears and anxieties everyone else does... so I can become ambitious and want to make something of myself"? Thats a hard decision to ever wanna make. Its very much a trap. One for the fact that while I'm on opiates I'm not interested in doing anything in the first place. So I have to go through hell just before I enjoy normal things. Then once I do enjoy normal things and expose my self to real life (holding down a job, focusing on health, raising kids) I'm also exposing myself to a much higher level of stress. I NEVER KNOW which road I want to take, ever.

Everyday its like "hmm maybe I'll figure it out tommorow", I never figure it out. I'm glad you think opiates are for you. But I definitely do not think they are for me. They turn people into somewhat of a robot, all their intellectual and emotional resources are exhausted focusing on just one thing [more drugs] and you fail to actually be human anymore by my definition. You stay on opiates long enough and I believe they will flatten your emotions like a pancake. Then when it comes time to come off those emotions you will feel times a thousand. And that won't be fun. I don't want to be an emotional pancake lol, and I sure as hell don't like the idea of wds/paws... but if thats what it takes to become human again, and interested in the simple things, then thats what I obviously have to do. I guess everyones process is just different.

Great post mate..

"so I can feel the natural fears and anxieties everyone else does... so I can become ambitious and want to make something of myself" Love this. It really helped me actually. More than you will know

I see opiates the exact same way as you. For me each day in active addiction was like a miniature version of life.. Have to go through all the stresses, risks, fears, excitement, etc etc to go about going out and finding the money and to score, then getting home, using, feeling "everything is ok", temporary contentment, and then repeating it the next day... Life to me is just a longer version of this... gotta fight fears, grow, feel pain, feel happiness, work, effort, everything.... with the end goal being happy with oneself and content with life.

It's been very hard for me, and I do sometimes miss the simplicity of life before, but it so amazing to have dreams and ambitions again, and to actually have some of these start to come true..i have a reason to live again and am naturally fearful and excited about what is to come.

 

[maybeimamazing]

i so appreciate everything i've read on here,wish i would've found ya'll earlier. it's been a crazy week, i did opana sunday through wednesday, almost did too much. thank God for a high tolerance, otherwise i'd be a goner. and i don't really want to kill myself, ironic as it seems, as in how hard i push it...
so now i'm craving, not so much physically as mentally. i have a lot to lose, and i'm trying as hard as i can. almost went to get more today, but lift my keys in a friends car, hence i am stuck w/ no vehicle until tuesday. haha
wish i'd never done what i did, but it's said and done, i'm back trying to do this thing. dammmmmmmitttt !!!

 

[tealmoose]

I'm in the exact same boat as you with the same feelings of not belonging. I was so happy as long as I wasn't sober and then I stopped and this sucks. The anxiety I'm having right now is bad and I don't know how to deal with this. I just need to not be sober but I don't want to succumb to pouring a drink now.

 

[maybeimamazing]

well, you know, a lot of us are in this boat, and maybe the key is to not let it sink completely or crash amongst the rocks! it's a relief, even at this hour, to not feel so alone.
how long has it been since you used?
i do know that the longer you make it, the easier it gets.
though the dreams really suck. also, the closest ppl to me right now have no idea that i've been using on and off, so i have to keep my wd symptoms a secret, and play like i'm just "under the weather" yeh, right....

 

[shahab6]

same here, I really don't like being sober, my drug of choice is oxy, but if I don't have it then I would do something else, doesn't matter what..

even through I have been on sub for the last six months, I don't feel completely sober when I'm on it, I still feel like I'm on something, I know it's not as intense as being on oxy, but it feels like I'm on low dosage of Vicodin.
when I am hundred percent sober, I feel bored, depress, antisocial, this was even before I ever did drugs.

 

[theartofwar]

I'm w OP - since i started tryin for sobriety life turned to hell. It's all about moderation, when ppl are like "one drug one time you have lost it all - all that time" - I jus laugh, where'd he time go ? Fuck outa here.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Thanks Captain, I may take you up on that offer some time soon. I really should stop making so many posts on here about how much life sucks. I really have nothing to complain about, I have a great relationship with my mum and sisters. Mum struggled but she battled through it like the trooper she is to raise me and my sisters to be the people we are and I can't put into words how proud I am off her. Ive always has food, water and a warm bed.

Suffering in life can't be quantitatively ranked in my opinion - so there's no need to think you shouldn't be posting here.

Your life may have its ups and downs, and can still be troubling, challenging, and depressing at times, but it can also be rewarding, as well as containing moments which will positively influence your life forever. I tend to look hard for such moments and cherish them and hold onto them for as long as possible.

 

[Dr.kush]

I feel for you man, I know exactly how you feel. For me its like the best thing i can give to myself. I wonder what my life would be like without H, well it would be like these past 6 months have been. I havent done any opiates in 6 months, but im going to hopefully slam some H this weekend. SO i know how you feel, but I have seen it happen in NA/AA people can lose the disire to use, and live a normal life, you just got to fight through it.

 

[DoubleC]

As polyuser myself I get what you mean , I feel like I've tasted the forbidden fruit and now everything before that just tastes dull . But I can't understand why people choose to use opiates heavily it's 2011 we are well informed of the risks and dangers of opiate dependancy so why walk infront of a train? Moderation is key balance is everything mentally and physically though we tend to ignore it