Sobriety - Is it a matter of patience?

[Vaya]

In the past when i have quitten a particular substance i have fallen back into excessive use of another substance

I know this pattern very well... it does appear to be somewhat significantly linked to a polysubstance-dependence state; mine certainly was.

On paper my life is good, i have a loving girlfriend (although i fear her patience has worn thin) i have a supportive father who knows a lot about addiction and i have financial security, however all these things aside i seem to systematically making my life worse with my habitual behaviour.

A rather common saying amongst those who have done at least the first step and admitted they were addicted to one/several/many drugs and/or alcohol is that "Anything you put before your own sobriety, you will almost certainly lose."

If your girlfriend's patience has worn rather thin by this point and you find yourself keeping secrets from her, then you find yourself where I was a year ago before things eventually did go down the drain and she left me after finding out I had been lying. It was awful and I'll never forget the lessons it taught me about being conscious of and addressing with action the underlying causes of my behavior - which are many aspects of my personality as well as how I interpret and react to the world around me - drug addiction was but a mere symptom of a much larger problem. I'm so grateful to be an addict/alcoholic, because without the program, I never would have thought that something fundamental in my way of thinking was abnormal! I know now how woefully warped my worldview had been for so many years!

I feel as though i am making the life of those close to me more stressful just due to my involvement in their life and the two people who truely know about my substance use (my gf and father) are worried about my inability to abstain from any substances for jsut one day

If it feels that way, then it may very well be so - especially considering the information you shared about feeling the need to lie (which always hurts when the lies are delivered to loved ones we know truly care about us). That's why programs like NarcAnon and AlAnon exist - to support the families, loved ones and friends of those whose addictions members of those fellowships have been affected by.

I wake up every mmorning and the first thing that creeps into my head is, am i going to be able to cope with this day with out drugs and alchohol, then an element of fear takes over me and hence i feel pathetic that i can't even get out of bed before working out which method of intoxication i am going to partipate in.

Don't worry yourself much over this, man. You are coming to terms quite effortlessly with the fact that you struggle with the affliction that so, so many of us share, and part of the manifestation of addiction psychologically are the cravings, desires and fears associated with maintaining the routine and habit. That's completely understandable, and you ought not be embarrassed or self-deprecating over their presence in your life!! I know so many people who have shared many elements of your story at some point in their lives.

Going to a 12 step program seems the logical step. i know i gain more from other peoples experiences than a one on one therapist (as i have been to anger management support groups before and went to alateen as a kid) but there is an element of pride at stake, i had so much exposure to 12 step programs as a kid through my mum and dads problems that stepping into a meeting and admitting that I am now the one with the problem is a major thing for me to do, i know pride should not get into the way of recovery but in reality i think its more fear than pride

What you wrote here, BN, is something of serious weight and importance! well spoken and truly insightful. Fear and Pride are two of the primary things that addicts and alcoholics have shared almost universally. And, in working a 12-step program, you'll find at steps four and five you'll be addressing those things. I'm actually about to begin my second fourth step in about a week and am very excited/nervous :D
As they say, "There's a reason the 12-Steps have an order they're listed in," so don't worry about addressing those issues at the moment. If you can at least get your foot in the door, despite the fear and pride, IMO you have quite a reasonable shot at nailing this thing. I am very optimistic about you, given the types of things you post about yourself. You're an extremely insightful individual and I think that you would do very well in checking it out.

I have no major tales of woe or relationship break down (yet) or major drama that has gone along with my substance use

That's cool man! It means your figurative 'bottom' (the lowest you hit prior to getting sober) is WAY higher than a lot of ours; it's always a good idea to nip the problem in the bud before it becomes a devastating, soul-stealing affair. Seize this point while you can is my advice.

As my issues are both drug and alcohol related i wouldnt know whether i should go to AA or NA, my Father who is stoingly involved in GA thinks that AA is by far the best of all the 12 step prgrams but i guess thats based on his own exposure

I am 25 now and went to my very first meeting at age 17 - I've been to CODA (Codependents Anonymous), AA, NA, AlAnon, NarcAnon and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics - verrry interesting once you've gotten sober to explore that one) but in terms of both the quality and length of success IME has always been AA, no matter if I'm in FL, PA, IL, MI, NJ, DE, OH, GA or Mexico - all of the places I've been to meetings in. I would also recommend AA based on my experiences over eight years.

Again, a wonderfully thoughtful post and I hope that I could be of some help!
Hope you're well today

~ Vaya

 

[Beat Narrative]

Vaya,

Thankyou for your considered reply, i really appreciate it and there is a lot of wisdom in your reply that i will re-read when i am feeling a bit better.

I am annoyed with myself, i thought a little bit of opiate use here and there won't get out of hand and today have woken up feeling wd's for the first time since i quit back in January, i fucking hate this feeling, if feeling like this is not motivation to change then i don't know what is

Going to see my doctor in 2 hours to discuss tapering off benzo's, i am sick of them being a part of my life and if i can get through today without any substances it will be a miracle given the way i currently feel but i am going to at least give it an attempt

Once again Vaya, thankyou for taking the time for such a considered advice, you seem to have more confidence in me than i do in myself but reading that post first thing in the morning has given me food for thought for the day ahead and i think will make me think twice before i make any decisions that are detrimental to myself

 

[Beat Narrative]

so instead of getting intoxicated today i took all my available money and went and spent $100 on vinyl (another compulsion i have but far healthier)

I know this sounds irresponsible but as i am not able to control my spending i have my dad give me a weekly allowance of my savings (as i have no job and am studying) so i have not blown all my money, jsut the money i have on hand

How sad i still get pocket money at the age of 30 (well it is my money, but i should be able to control it , but i can't and without a job i need this money to last 12 months, if it was in my posession it would be gone in 12 days)

 

[Foreigner]

I'm finding for me that sobriety is about patience and alleviating boredom. The devil makes work of idle hands, and all that. So in addition to waiting it out, you have to keep yourself busy with other things you enjoy. I also think that having beauty and art in your life helps with this, so I'm glad you turned to music. That is definitely a source of inspiration for me.

 

[herbavore]

so instead of getting intoxicated today i took all my available money and went and spent $100 on vinyl (another compulsion i have but far healthier)

I know this sounds irresponsible but as i am not able to control my spending i have my dad give me a weekly allowance of my savings (as i have no job and am studying) so i have not blown all my money, jsut the money i have on hand

How sad i still get pocket money at the age of 30 (well it is my money, but i should be able to control it , but i can't and without a job i need this money to last 12 months, if it was in my posession it would be gone in 12 days)

I don't think it is sad at all--you worked out a good strategy for yourself! So what records did you get?

 

[auto448]

I'm not depended mate but am what some might call a heavy drinker but as I've got older, through health issues and other stuff my consumption and overall taste for it I think has went down. Some grown out others just thing it a lot harder.

Don't get me wrong I still crave like a motherfucker sometimes but I'll stop at 8 beers 99% of the time.

 

[Beat Narrative]

I don't think it is sad at all--you worked out a good strategy for yourself! So what records did you get?

A couple of Lee Scratch Perry Records (not the best music when your trying to stay away from weed, but great music for over all happiness) and i spent $50 on a rather rare Fela Kuti record, i am a bit of a geek when it comes to music, its my healthy compulsion

however it was a sober day eventhough i was feeling mild opiate wd's and was craving a beer, so day 2 of attempting sobriety begins today, being a sunny friday makes that beer more tempting but i will immerse myself in study instead i think

 

[Vaya]

so instead of getting intoxicated today i took all my available money and went and spent $100 on vinyl (another compulsion i have but far healthier)

B_N, it is so much healthier to engage yourself fully in hobbies rather than thankless drug/alcohol binges. I'm sure you know this. But my point is, I think going out and spending your money on awesome vinyls instead of a substance that is temporary, fleeting and debilitating is a great step. Once I quit my $1,000/week MXE and Heroin habit, found a job and saved a little money, I bought myself this MIDI controller for my digital DJ'ing - a passionate hobby of mine - to represent something really tangible that could only have happened if I were sober. It's great to see it each day, to use it each day, and to know that only my having severed the cords between my old and new lives... that I can actually afford to spend money on things that make me happy over long periods and not just several hours.

Keep it up! I think your effort is really inspirational, man


~ Vaya

 

[painenduser]

I know what your saying, its easier said than done, all of of my friends are pretty big drug users, but they are people i have known and cared about for 15 years plus, its hard to distance yourself and not totally socially isolate yourself

Through uni i have been making new friends, but sure enough they all take drugs as well, its funny how like mided people are just drawn to each other.

I can not expect other people to alter their behaviour to accomodate me, i need to build the strength to maintain the friendships i value but not let it be detrimental to myself

well it's 3.40pm and i am yet to consume any substances, i have read about 200 pages of a book, everything i do i do in a compulsive way but i am sure reading is a compulsion that i can handle

Still trying to build the courage to attend NA, my thoughts about it tend to fluctuate, but i can not be any worse off from attending

I know this thread seems pointless as it does not seem that i am doing anything to help myself and all the advice i have been given is in vain, i can assure you that all the advice i have been given has been taken on board, i am just trying to work out the path thats best suited to me

Today looks good for my first sober day in a while, at least thats a start

B_N,

You have a heel of a decision to make and no one said it would be easy. If it were, none of us would be here The fact that your in here posting and keeping us updated regularly speaks volumes towards your will to make change. No one here is going to rush you nor push you to go one way or the other as long as your on the right track. I am happy to see that you are taking in all the advise we have been giving you. It's always best when you can take advise of f the people who have been where you are and where your going. This is what keeps me here. I not only have been where you are, though our DOC's may be different, under the hood we are all very similar, and while I can enlighten you with my experiences, you are helping me stay sober by seeing what you are going through now and the trials and tribulations you are going through, it all makes me remember why I got sober to begin with. This is no way to waste our lives, we are too fragile and life is too short to waste it away.

I may not be posting to this thread everyday, but you betcha I have been keeping my tabs on this thread and your progress every days... I can see you making the right decisions and I commend you with absorbing it all and trying to make some sense of it all and figuring out the right paths to take, as I have said before, sobriety is very individual and is also the only time to truly be selfish. When I say selfish, I am referring to how you handle your sobriety. You need to do this for yourself, and I think your on the right path.

Also take careful note of what Vaya has posted, not sure if it will be above of below this as I am replying to a post he wrote after the post I am replying too but before this post (hope I didn't confuse you there as I did to myself lolol). Vaya and everyone here has given you some wonderful advise and you have a lot to learn and a long way to go, but every step you take in the right direction is another step towards your final goal. When ever you feel like you may be veering off track, sit back and read through this thread and remember why you are here, and all the people that are here supporting you. That always helps me stay grounded.

Well my friend I am off to bed, but rest assured, I will be watching out for ya, and I will be keeping eyes on this and any other threads you may feel you need to write. Your doing a great job, just remember, we all have to learn to crawl before we could walk.

Peace!

Pain

 

[Beat Narrative]

Thanks for the kind words Pain

I get a little bit paranoid that this thread is self indulgent as i am writing it for my own purposes and talking about my own personal problems as opposed to discussing the concept of sobriety as a whole, i just find it very cathartic to come on here and i would probably continue to write even if no one replied, putting my thoughts into the public realm seems to give me a reason to be more concious of my actions and for some reason makes me feel more accountable (i know that makes very little sense)

The time and well thought out responses people have given me have meant a lot and i spend a fair bit of time re reading the replies and trying to digest the thoughtful advice that has been given to me

I hope i get to a point where i can respond to other peoples threads and provide advice and contribute to this forum in a positive way because i feel i am taking more than i am contributing at the moment.

All i can say is that i feel more in control of my destiny at this point than i have in a while, whilst i am still not always making the right decisions i am feeling less trapped and when i make those wrong decisions i am feeling more accountable and in control of my choices, for better or worse

Today i went and bought Haruki Murakamis IQ84, not sure of there are any Murakami fans here but his books are the closest thing you can get to literaray LSD and this book is 1000 pages long, so i have a surreal adventure ahead of me that is certain to alter my state of mind, but this time in a healthy way (his books are the defintion of surreal)

Day 2 of sobriety acheived (excluding 10mgs of diazapan) a weekend of beats and reading is ahead, anti social it might be but i am lookig forward to the time alone

Sorry if this post makes little sense or sounds pretentious, i like to think out loud sometimes, or in this case with my fingers

Thanks everyone!

 

[Beat Narrative]

woke up this morning and reading was the frst thing on my mind as opposed to drugs or alcohol, those thoughts came 2nd though, day three of attempted sobriety has failed already though, going shopping for groceries and needed wine to make dinner, i thought it would test my self control, well it did test it and i failed, now i need to get more wine for the dinner as i drank the lot

handing this resonsibility over to my partner now, she can buy the wine, add what we need into the food and poor the rest away

 

[stardust.hero]

Don't beat yourself up over the wine Beat I too fail each time especially with alcohol. We were taught in our culture that drinking is acceptable so it's so much easier for us to reason with ourselves why it's okay to have a little.

Consider it a lesson learned and use it to our advantage against this situation next time.

 

[Beat Narrative]

well i slipped into an opiate phase for the last 3 or so weeks, i am going to spend the next 4 days smoking weed.mixed with wine and valium, i think hibernation and staying away from opiates is the key at the moment, i will address the grog after that then eventually benzos (although that will be dictated by my dr more than me, drs are so hesitant to give out benzos where i live) and then finally i will address weed, sobriety still is on the horizon