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Sobriety conflict

B

Bi-Guy

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 30, 2014
Messages
101
This is going to be a fairly long read, so I don't blame anyone if they wanna leave. I need to get something off my chest though and vent to somebody, and I know this is the last place I'll get judged for my problem.

Anyways, I find myself being incapable of enjoying life while sober. I'm sure you're rolling your eyes by now because you've heard this a million times before, but it's REALLY bad in my case. I've read that I need to learn how to enjoy activities sober, but I physically can't, it's literallly impossible for me to enjoy anything anymore if I don't have a buzz going at the very least. There is no amount of therapy, AA, hobbies, or any other kind of thing that can seem to cure this ail. Believe me, I've tried them all.

Here's an example, my parents called up my two siblings and I and told us they were planning on paying for all of us to fly down to Florida to visit some family. They wanna make a nice vacation out of it and do a bunch of fun shit. Well, I know there's no way in hell I'm getting any drugs onto the plane, so I seriously am considering not even going. I mean what the hell, how fucked up is that?! I'd get a free vacation in Florida and get to see some family I love dearly and havnt seen in years, and I'd turn it down because I'd have to do it sober.

God damn it I feel so fucking pathetic and selfish, but I mean the whole time I would be down there all I'd be able to think about is how awesome all this would be while high, I'd have this overwhelming feeling like I'm missing out, and I just wouldn't have any fun. No matter what I do I don't feel any satisfaction or pleasure from activites while sober, I honestly just can't, my brain simply won't allow it.

I'm not physically or mental addicted to any one substance,I pretty much do a little bit of everything. Anything that's even mildly recreational is pretty much good enough for me, basically a mental addiction to being intoxicated if that makes sense. I'm SO tired of being like this, I remeber a few years ago when I was in high school and I could conjure up joy and pleasure from basic everyday activites like most of the world's population does. I long for those days tremendously, but I feel as though I'm well past the point of no return.

The prospect of clean and sober living seems beyond dull to me, feelings of utter joylessness and unsatifaction abound when I picture it. My addict side is a little atypical in that it's not so much I crave a drug, I just get so unsatifyed with being sober I wanna get high, anything to just feel some happiness and enjoy my life. My brain's just hardwired to seek out and ingest intoxicating chemicals. Drugs consume so much of my thoughts that sometimes I wonder if subconsciously my brain's primary goal/instinct in life is to just get high.

On one hand, I really don't want to be like this anymore, I fucking despise it. I'd love to wake up in the morning and be excited about the day ahead of me without drugs being involved in it, just relaxing and enjoying the little things again like I used to. Yet on the other hand, I have zero desire to quit, simply because drugs are the only thing in life I enjoy other than my girlfriend.

I know I'm gonna come across like a pussy for saying this, but I feel like crying right now, just breaking down and balling like a little fucking toddler because I feel so overwhelmingly trapped and hopeless inside, like this will never get better and I'm doomed to miss out of the full wonder and experience of life because I'll be seeing it all through a chemical haze. However, I'll take chemical haze in an instant over dull and joyless. I still see life as a blessing, and I'm just going to have to suck it up and accept this is the way things gotta be.

Thank you so much to anyone who stuck it out through this wall of complaining, it honestly means the world to me and it feels amazing just to vent a little. Any comments are extremly welcome, it'd be nice to talk to some of you guys and hear any experiences or feelings you have similar to or regarding this. Thanks again.
 
Hey man, listen. I totally get you. I feel the same way. In fact, I'm almost just always bored while sober. I'm currently in the process of cleansing myself from opiates, so I was on some hard shit. What's your drug of choice? I was always into just getting drunk and enjoying myself until I turned to these nasty little blue roxy pills and went downhill from there. The scariest part is always--what is going to happen to me when I have to do these activities sober? Looking around at others, wondering how they enjoy life so much. I agree with you on how you think your brain is wired differently---I feel the same way--I need that chemical enhancement to enjoy myself. My boyfriend doesn't seem to need it. My friends don't. So why me?
I think the only answer to your problem (and my problem--though I am steps behind you as I am physically addicted to dope so as soon as that part is over I'll be trying to figure out how to enjoy life sober) is to find hobbies that give you some sort of high. Is there a sport you used to love to do? I love to write and read--I'll probably get back into those things. It's just so hard. You have to get back into a pattern of life that makes you not think of these substances. A pattern of life where you are happy and fulfilled without drugs. So many people do it...so we have to be able to, too...right? It's about adapting to this style more than anything I think. Regardless--I say go to Florida. Visit your family. It won't be PAINful, will it? You say you have no physical addiction to any substance. But you haven't mentioned your favorite drug specifically so it's hard for us to say on here. But yeah, I say go. You won't be miserable surrounded by palm trees and beautiful weather.
 
I don't really have a DOC, but my typical week looks something like:

•Mon- Weed (taking it easy and recovering from the weekend)
•Tues- Weed, benzo, LSD
•Wed- Weed, opioid, nitrous oxide
•Thurs- Weed, psycilobin, benzo
•Fri- Weed, DMT, amphetamine, amyl nitrates, benzo
•Sat- Weed, opioid, cocaine + few beers/cocktails (cocaethylene), LSD or LSA (once a month I swap out the cocaethylene for MDMA)
•Sun- Weed, amphetamine, benzo

I know exactually what you mean, it's like how is it that everybody else I know can still have fun and enjoy the hell out of life and activites while sober, but I just feel incapable of it? There has to be a way to learn how though, at least I really hope there is. I can function okay while sober, I just feel incredibly unfulfilled/unsatifyed, like a sense that I'm missing out. But you're right, it definetly wouldn't be painful to go to Florida, if anything it might be good to give my body a good hiatus from all the shit I dump into it every week.

I like to write too, I wanna be a journalist some day, so maybe I could work on that a bit more. Sometimes I feel like I get inspiration from being high, but maybe that's just all in my head. I know what you mean when you say how scary it is thinking about life sober, that scares the living shit out of me to be honest. There's gotta be a way for us to do it though, hopefully we'll find it sooner than later so we can get back to enjoying our lives sober (as much as possible anyways lol).
 
^Ive gotta wonder too, how sober ppl can seemingly have fun. I'm actually jealous of the fact that they can!!

If you're not going to be in full blown body wds, then I'd say go for it, go to Florida!! Maybe, just maybe you'll develop a new mindset there with the atmosphere & your rellys.

A new environment & dear family may be the change you've inwardly been seeking. As they say,- you'll never know if you never go.

Take this as a fresh opportunity. After all, what can change if you live your life day by day with drug use, & no motive to change?

I myself live such an existence, & it's miserable relying on pills or being stoned just to feel some sort of happiness.

Try it OP, you may just like it..

Rtp
 
damn all those drugs in a week AND you're bisexual ? You really do like it all dont ya.
 
Did you try going without drugs for 3-6 months? Or maybe just a little less dugs, because if that is your typical week and you do these every week, it's a no bainer that you'll feel bored and as if something is lacking when you stop doing them.

What hobbies did you try? Maybe try more extreme ones?

Find more interesting people to hang with?

I'm kind oft like that too. But I've been a pretty anxious and depressed person for some time. Even before the drugs, so it's a little different than your situation.
 
I am having some problem similar but i think its worst, i was on a lot of difrent drugs and than i got really hook up on coke , crack and alcoohol, as i am a brazilian that isn´t really opiates around but coke and crack are cheap, and now i cant enjou life sober, but i cant maintain a coke and vodka dayli habbit, i cant enjoy life sober but sometimes i get panic attacks from weed witch i can maitain, so i smoke it anyway just to not be sober but i dayly crave hardcore coke and alcoohol use, i tryed to get a year clean to see what happens but most of the time, iven if my life is getting better i cant see that, and i still hate life and myself so much sometimes that i think that i got born to make music high, thats crazy couse i think im gonna die high with everyone hating me
 
It sounds like your really struggling right now, I've been there. Once was polysubstance dependent for a good few years. I think that was worse than Heroin, most recently.
Anyways, It could get worse before it gets better, but as someone suggested, could you try a few months away from using? Just give it a shot, put some distance between yourself and the substances? Just start with a week, take a break?
A lot of it can just be the chemical imbalance that blurs your outlook on things, as well as the initial pain that prompts the need to keep using along with any dependencies. Just a few weeks might bring some clarity.

I don't enjoy life completely like I used to before I began my journey into the depths of addiction but it's a lot better than it was 9 months ago. I didn't think I could live without using, but here I am. :\ There is a better way, it's just not going to be easy at first.

I know the pressure from family can be overwhelming too. Hang in there. Thank you for sharing your story, you're not alone. :)
 
Kinda looks like weed is pretty much a constant. If you leave that one out, do you stillenjoy the other drugs? I ask because weed, although extremely enjoyable, tends to take away motivation if used every day, at least thats the case for me.

Have you looked into Noopept? Doesnt get you high but it helped me pick up some healthy hobbies and has improved my outlook on life. Feels very goal-oriented. I dose 30mg daily (20 in the AM and 10 at noon) for a month. Than I stop for a month. Read up on it if you're interested.
 
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