Sober for 1 year and 4 months off everything but considering relpase

[chase1992]

So here this goes. I have been sober for 1 year and 4 months off all mind altering substances and alcohol. I have been trying to get sober for 3 years now and finally have this much time even after being a chronic relapser in the past.

Everything was going great until beginning of july, IT JUST HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS OUT OF NOWHERE. the thought and obsession of using cocaine. I wake up in the middle of the night craving it. I have literally came so freaking close to doing it THREE TIMES!! The first time i got close i minipulated a close friend of mine to get it for me so that i could make money( YEAH RIGHT). i started to drive and get it and i backed out. the next time i actually had in the car with me. smelling it. that strong stank of gasoline or whatever it is brought back good memories, and also bad memories. and i backed out of it again. then LAST NIGHT it was literally in my closet in a mason jar (7 grams) and i was so anxiously waiting for my friend to go home so i can cook it up or try it. i fell asleep for one hour and when i woke up i had a different mind set and i got scared and told her to take it home with her and to not leave it here. Now it is back. this feeling again of doing it. i have tried everything. going to meetings, talking about, crying about it, working the steps. praying , callibng people, venting. i feel like i am ggiving this idea power and that starts the cravings.

You know... i can play the tape through and see that i will be sober again and back in the program. but i still want to do it. thats how fucked up my head is. this disease is so fucking powerful. i can see all i worked for will be done for. but i just want to test the limits. to see if it will be this bad this time. maybe do some coke here and just drink or whatever.

its just so draining. i feel like i have two different people in my head. i feel like i have came so close so many times in the last month. i have spent hours on learning how to cook the shit up becasue crack is my all time favorite. i have a girlfriend, i have my family back, i have my friends in the program, i have a life thats worth living, i am back into school, i have sober time, i work at a professional job. and still even with ALL THAT IN MIND. its like my brain wants me to just say " i dont care, i dont want to think of all that, i just want to do it." lets not think of any of the conseuences, and lets just do it .

I have been through sober living so many times. i literally was just in one for a whole year. i spent a whole year in sober living and 6 months in an iop program. i spent 1 year peeing for drug tests. and now i am living on my own. for the first time in my life i am living on my own with no one else helping me. BUT STILL I FEEL LIKE I AM OUT OF OPTIONS. my sponser isnt truly there for me so fuck him man seriously. i know i have a say in it or on my situation but whatever.

OKAY im sorry about venting. i really really needed to get this out. its been eating at me alive for the past month and i have no idea. i mean i share about it in meetings and pray and talk to people and i feel better for the most part but then bam obsession is back right after.

i will be seeing my family again in september for a "reuinon" and everyone is just so proud of me. i was seriously so sick i did every drug there could be possible to this world, have stolen thounsands of dollars, and hurt many close to me more then 10x.




if anyone has any words of encouragement i would really appreciate it !! ANYTHING HELPS.

 

[trickd3288]

Don't do it man! I know how this works, I've been there. Hell, I'm still there. I've been doing oxy for 3 years now. I quit cold turkey once and stayed sober for 3-4 months and I started getting the same exact urges you described. Here I am, a year and half later, still doing pills after my one little relapse. I told myself it would just be once to help me unwind. I told myself I could control it. Don't fool yourself man. The reason you are on this thread to begin with is because your an addict. Normal people don't seek out help like this. you CANT control it, despite what your urges tell you. I've been fortunate enough to keep my life pretty well put together throughout my addiction but I know that if it continues I'll eventually lose everything. I've been trying to quit since the second I relapsed. I've made it 15 days, 23 days, 8 days, and so on and so forth but at the end of the day I was never able to stay sober like I did when I first quit. Don't let your brain pull tricks on u. You CANNOT control it. Don't give in. I've been there. You tell yourself, "well, I already relapsed, might as well enjoy one more day of getting fucked up, what's the difference between one time and two times?" Before you know it you're telling yourself, "I've already been doing this everyday for a year, what's one more day?" Once you are at this point it's an uphill battle. Fight this now while you have the upper hand. I know it's hard but just take it one day at a time. I'm begging you. Don't make the same mistake I did. Here I am, back to square one. Helpless. You can help yourself. I remember when I forst relapsed, something in the back of my head told me "don't do it, you aren't addicted right now, you CAN easily stay away" but I didn't listen. Now it's much harder to quit. Don't put yourself through what you already went through. You can do his man. People stay sober their whole lives. You've only been sober a little over a year. It's still fragile. I promise you won't feel that way in 5 years. It will only get easier and easier as time goes on. Stick with it man. You got this. Don't give into what you already know is bullshit. U been down that road and u already know what it is. You don't need to find out again. Please learn from my mistake. You CAN do this. Don't give in.

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

giving in doesn't stop the nagging. then you are constantly fighting with yourself about when and how much to use. one of the positives of not using is not having to deal with whether or not you should. even though it doesn't feel like there's much you can do about thinking about it, let yourself know there is no possibility of getting to use it. without the possibility or reward, eventually your mind moves on. at least that's how it works for alcohol and benzos for me.

obviously get rid of the coke. there more steps between it and you, the less risk of doing something foolish before you can come to your senses.

that you've had so many close calls but ended up not using at the last minute is a good sign that you ultimately know how things need to go. i do the same thing. but it's a waste of mental energy because using isn't a real option.

congrats on one year four months.

 

[phactor]

Who are you talking to about this? Do you have anyone in recovery in your life? Why are you associating with people who can acquire and will provide you with drugs? What will using get you? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.

Asking for advice over the internet is great, but where are the people who support your recovery in real life? If you don't have any, hopefully this just turns into a lesson that shows you need some.

 

[chase1992]

Who are you talking to about this? Do you have anyone in recovery in your life? Why are you associating with people who can acquire and will provide you with drugs? What will using get you? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.

Asking for advice over the internet is great, but where are the people who support your recovery in real life? If you don't have any, hopefully this just turns into a lesson that shows you need some.

phactor, i do have active people in my life who are there for me in my recovery. Its just that i feel like i am came so close so many times, that my MIND wants to think that i have crossed over that line already. Its been a struggle the last month or so. I have talked about it numerous times at meetings, with my old sponser, my support groups. It tends to work in the moment. But after i go home when all is said and done and im done for the day. I start to think about it again.

Im just in funk.. that i need to get out of.

 

[Dresden]

Play the whole tape through.

 

[dognasher]

Oof. I am a cocaine addict too. AND a heroin addict. Only a couple months clean. Cocaine is one helluva drug when it comes to cravings. I, like you, have come real, real close. I didn't even really LIKE coke, just used it with heroin, but the cravings are like a thousand times worse than any heroin craving I have ever had. That's the nature of cocaine! But what stops me is forcing myself to think about the hellish comedown, the loss of tons of money, the absolute horror that my family would face, plus the fact that there is no such thing as a "little cocaine addiction". Like you, it helps in the moment but the cravings are still there. But that's all they are now for you. They are just thoughts. They feel real but they aren't real. Using would be real, and just think of the regret that you will go through when you've blown through that seven grams and you're gakked out trying to hide it from everybody and have nothing but the darkness in your own heart to comfort you as you come down. Because that's the reality of coke, we just remember the rush. Think about it this way: you're already beating up on yourself for CRAVING it. What if you go through with it? How will you feel during the that comedown? I know when I dream of it I am only thinking as far as the score and first shot, I don't play the whole tape through. When I do it's really ugly!

This sounds SUPER lame - but it works for me. I put an alarm on my phone with a brief list of the things that sucked about using. I set the alarm for the times of day that I am most vulnerable - and it seems to jolt me back into reality. I have never regretted a day I stayed clean but I have regretted almost every time I got high while I was using.

 

[F1n1shed]

I was in your situation few months ago. (heroin and meth)
Got out of rehab after 1 year, was on my own with a job etc. Cravings went wild, i picked up. I controlled it in the beginning.. week ends only. After a while it was like 3-4 times a week. Then my job randomly moved and it was DAILY right away. It got old FAST man, trust me it isn't worth it.

You might be able to control it when you first start, but it won't last. The nagging feeling will keep getting stronger and you will start using daily then you won't even get high anymore. Just use it to get up in the morning, DON'T fuck everything up for one fun night of using. You will regret it... I'm clean now but wish i didn't do that stupid 3 month run i did.

 

[chase1992]

Oof. I am a cocaine addict too. AND a heroin addict. Only a couple months clean. Cocaine is one helluva drug when it comes to cravings. I, like you, have come real, real close. I didn't even really LIKE coke, just used it with heroin, but the cravings are like a thousand times worse than any heroin craving I have ever had. That's the nature of cocaine! But what stops me is forcing myself to think about the hellish comedown, the loss of tons of money, the absolute horror that my family would face, plus the fact that there is no such thing as a "little cocaine addiction". Like you, it helps in the moment but the cravings are still there. But that's all they are now for you. They are just thoughts. They feel real but they aren't real. Using would be real, and just think of the regret that you will go through when you've blown through that seven grams and you're gakked out trying to hide it from everybody and have nothing but the darkness in your own heart to comfort you as you come down. Because that's the reality of coke, we just remember the rush. Think about it this way: you're already beating up on yourself for CRAVING it. What if you go through with it? How will you feel during the that comedown? I know when I dream of it I am only thinking as far as the score and first shot, I don't play the whole tape through. When I do it's really ugly!

This sounds SUPER lame - but it works for me. I put an alarm on my phone with a brief list of the things that sucked about using. I set the alarm for the times of day that I am most vulnerable - and it seems to jolt me back into reality. I have never regretted a day I stayed clean but I have regretted almost every time I got high while I was using.

i appreciate this post and i thank you alot. Thats a great suggestion and i will do it right now. I was about to go to the liquor store last night to just shut my head up and hurry up and take a quick sip of liquor so that i can just hurry up and "relapse" so that i wont feel bad doing the cocaine.. My head is so sick.. still even at 1 year and 4 months this voice in my head is still strong.... but instead before i ran with that "relapse idea" i got a text message from a random person from the program and told me his expericence... i went to a meeting and got a new sponsor and told him everything... I'm suppose to call him at 12 noon, I must stay strong!!!!!!!

 

[Erikmen]

One thing that could help is to realize the craving does not last too long. You only have to think about getting over that specific hour.
Even if it comes and goes, it usually does not even last 40 minutes. So focus on getting sober for a couple of hours and deal with everything else later.
You´ve managed to go that far, I´m sure you´ll manage this one too. It´s the addiction speaking to talk back, out loud if necessary until it stops. Do it every time and soon you´ll get back to your routine.
Best of luck!

 

[dognasher]

I am glad it helped you Chase! I really empathize with you and I struggle every. single. day. But those pesky cravings always do eventually pass, and if you just see them as thoughts and nothing more, it can make things easier and you will live to fight another day. A year isn't too long considering and you shouldn't get down on yourself for being vulnerable. It's brave that you see the nature of the cravings and are honest with yourself! I really wish you all the luck in the world! Feel free to PM me if you ever want to have some coke craving rants! You totally got this! I know it! Please keep us posted of your progress -I can't wait to look back and have a year away from drugs. It's my greatest hope and dream. You should be really proud of your accomplishment.