Sober + Double Shift

I always told myself: Captainballs, all you have to do at this waiting tables job is go sober for one or two days and you will come out ahead money-wise. Well I did. Sunday.

Saturday night, I was out of everything. I had been doing h pretty much 24 hours per day for the last week with bars. I was unable to score anything, not even pills, on Saturday night. Enter Sunday: someone had previously paid me to take their shift, and the day a fiend turns down $15 is a cold day in hell, so I did it, making my Sunday about 12 hours long.

I was about as anxious as it gets. The previous night, I did not sleep at all. what do I have to rest about? No money, girlfriend basically trapped in another country and I don't have the financial muscle anymore to un-bind her, living at mom's house, resting on two degrees that cost nearly $150,000 to get, credit score that puts me on par with a convicted felon - all of these things running through my mind when I'm sober.

I show up to work and do my first shift with only minor panic attacks. Sometimes it's just hard for me to believe that I'm serving people food. It's surreal all the fucking time unless I am doped to the gills. I can't imagine that selling drugs would be less stressful than this, but at least you have the upper hand on customers these days because of the prices and the rain or shine demand. In the restaurant business, you have to hustle like crazy for minor profit that gets taxed internally by the illegal kitchen staff payout and externally by the government.

I just don't get this whole planet sometimes. I was raised to be a total liar and thief, so when I get a job where that's not the mode of operation, I am suddenly an actor. Even when no one is looking, I am being honest and working hard. Then, I discover that even in these menial jobs, it doesn't pay to be an honest or good person. The fake me gets walked all over by management. And it bothers me, because I've turned the pitbull off so that I'm easy to get along with. I need the job, but it's so hard to keep my instincts under control.

Which, I guess, is why I will never be sober at work ever again.

 

I feel like I should really comment here, but I just can't.

The same lesson will continue to be presented until it is learned...

 

i know you messed up at your job awhile back, but is there a reason why you can't put your degrees to use now? perhaps in a different city?

having shit credit is tough, luckily my husband has good credit and we use that until i get mine fixed.

i've got to give you credit tho, i don't think i would last two days waiting tables!

 

I would have to go to a different country. My reputation is ruined. I had a recent interview for a posh financial advisor position at a great firm full of wealthy fucking employees. I was essentially hired, so much so that he didn't even make me sign any information release forms before asking if he could just do a quick background check. Criminal record - clean. Credit - so bad that he just could not hire me, even after two successful interviews with two partners.

We spoke for two hours after that about how it all happened, and he told me stories of people twice my age losing everything plus borrowed money. It really fucks you over. My friend and I basically have to kill to eat now, just like everyone else, whereas we were used to moving to apartments that were closer to the places we liked mid-lease - throwing computer equipment away instead of moving it and furnishing the new places with better monitors, etc. Fucking $60 basic calculators lol, and now I might be lucky to make $60 on a lunch shift.

part of me wishes I had never seen any of it, but I've always had that greed based on insecurity wired into me. I see nice things and I want them fast, because other people have figured out how to get them fast. It's such torture. I am a total Xanax addict and have been since before I started BL for this very reason.

 

I was raised to be a total liar and thief

You and me both.

But when you play the societal system, biggest shit heel wins. I have no idea how long this has been going on, I remember growing up with the notions that hard honest work earns you a bright future as long as you can tolerate the labor. Whatever it may be from financial advising to digging out coal. But this is sorely not the case at all.

You have to play their game, but be better than them at it. Pit people against people, plant spies, gather and consolidate information. And make the call when to use it. Biggest Asshole Wins. All the rich/well-off I know are the epitome of the evilest self indulged narcissistic filth bags you wouldn't believe that god put on this earth. And that's how they got there, being truly that evil and maintaining.

You dont nessisarily have to be that evil. :D
We are actors, just act like you are.

Strap on your boots, believe you are worth $1,000,000, everyone else is wrong but you, and god personally gave you the right to treat everyone like crap. You will be wealthy and successful with this mindset.

 

thank you, i fucking will listen to that last paragraph.