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Recovery sober and miserable

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compulsivegirl

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Joined
Oct 26, 2015
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4
Hello everyone, not new to this forum but I haven't been back here for a loooooooong time. This is actually my second account, can't remember the password to my first one. First time I discovered this place was when I was 16 ( I am 23 now) and just beginning my foray into drugs (specifically MDMA). Those days seem like lifetimes ago. I've been stone cold sober since mid October, but I did have a few drinks on NYE. Have had a serious drinking problem for about the last 3 years, the brain fog from alcoholism is what drove me to stop.

Anyway, I feel like I must be going through PAWS right now. The last month has been fucked up. From waking up every night drenched in sweat, fearing that I have cancer and going to the ER in the middle of the night. All my bloodwork and xray have come back fine so I don't think I have any actual health problems. My mind feels like its cycling like crazy, I feel a constant impending doom, I get panic attacks when I'm at the store. It's a sunny day in the middle afternoon and I'm hiding in bed right now. I can't concentrate, I feel like I'm going crazy. Not sure what to do anymore. I want this to be over and to feel normal again. I'm scared I'm going schizo or something. The urge to relapse is strong don't know if it's worth it.
 
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The paranoia and panic attacks could be symptoms of MDMA WD. I associate night sweats more with GABAergics like alcohol or benzodiazepines. Have you seen a physician about these symptoms?
 
What was your drug using habit like? What did you use, how much and how often?

It gets better compulsivegirl. It may be a matter simply of time, or you may benefit from specific therapies or treatments out there based upon what your substance use was like and the particular harms you experienced. We need more info on your actual using history to be able to give you feedback about this kind of thing though.

Keep you head up! You're so young, you have soooooooo much too look forward to. You don't even know :)
 
toothpastedog said:
What was your drug using habit like? What did you use, how much and how often?

It gets better compulsivegirl. It may be a matter simply of time, or you may benefit from specific therapies or treatments out there based upon what your substance use was like and the particular harms you experienced. We need more info on your actual using history to be able to give you feedback about this kind of thing though.

Keep you head up! You're so young, you have soooooooo much too look forward to. You don't even know :)
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thanks i'm feeling a bit better now since posting, but my mood swings are a wild ride. Well, I've never been consistently using anything in particular. For the last 7 years I've been partying and using MDMA, coke, acid, weed, ketamine etc. Alcohol has probably been the only constant throughout. Everything else I have just done whenever. I haven't actually taken any drugs since August 2016 where I took MDMA at a music festival, I did it 3 days in a row. Prior to that though I was probably binging on mdma and coke on the weekends for about 6 months and drinking at least 7+ drinks a day. I finally quit drinking mid october. I am also prescribed vyvanse for ADHD which I take about 3 times a week.
 
aihfl said:
The paranoia and panic attacks could be symptoms of MDMA WD. I associate night sweats more with GABAergics like alcohol or benzodiazepines. Have you seen a physician about these symptoms?
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I have gone to a physician about the night sweats and they said it is most likely due to stress because my bloodwork came out fine. I have been seeing a psychologist about the anxiety and she immediately is referring me to a psychiatrist, this was after I told her that I had a panic attack when I was in class at college a couple weeks ago. Suddenly everyone around me looked like a menacing caricature of themselves, like I was having a bad trip or something. I've been dealing with panic attacks ever since that day
 
have you tried going to AA meetings? they can be very helpful especially if you feel like having a drink, go there introduce yourself as new and say you need help. People will be more than happy to help you out over there, get some numbers and build a new group of friends.

if meetings don't work and if you are a more introverted person like myself, then try therapy 1 on 1. Fortunately I met a couple of good people a while back and we practice some alternate forms of sobriety.
 
Getting the professional help is a good call. Your going through a rough combinations of kicks.be careful with anyoneach trying to prescribe you benzo drugs like Xanax and kpin. Those can open the gates to hell for people like us with gaba receptor sensitivity. I know mdma put me in a 5 year depressive haze I could not escape.
 
when the body heals the mind returns, just throwing that out there. that once your 'detoxs' (which can take up to weeks), your mind returns meaning that ..who knows? you might feel like you can use successfully again. we all share 'selective thinking' meaning we all remember the 'good times' when getting high. we just don't think much about the shit we put our bodies through.
they tell me to 'play my tape back', when i feel like picking up i have to tell myself that I wont just do 1, that I will keep doing and doing until I feel like total shit again, so as long as I remember the condition my body was in when I checked myself into detox, then I have a good tape to play back.

to me it sounds like you got some unemployed workers in your brain yearning for some serotonin. naturally your brain chemistry will go back to normal (in most cases) and you will have lesser serotonin receptors(normal), instead of like having thousands? of receptors in your brain all wanting a fix, and unfortunately for them, there isn't enough serotonin to go around, so thats maybe one of the reasons why you feel like shit.
 
compulsivegirl said:
I have gone to a physician about the night sweats and they said it is most likely due to stress because my bloodwork came out fine. I have been seeing a psychologist about the anxiety and she immediately is referring me to a psychiatrist, this was after I told her that I had a panic attack when I was in class at college a couple weeks ago. Suddenly everyone around me looked like a menacing caricature of themselves, like I was having a bad trip or something. I've been dealing with panic attacks ever since that day
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Night sweats are pretty common for up to the first few months off alcohol. Have you seen the psychiatrist yet? Campral can help with the PAWS symptoms. It is a GABA receptor agonist (but not an allosteric modulator like alcohol or benzos, so it's an extremely benign drug) and it antagonizes glutamate receptors keeping your brain from going into overdrive. You don't "feel" it doing anything. I took it for about the first six months off alcohol.
 
Hi compulsive girl. As others have said the sweats seem usual for alcohol w/ds, but i know the panic attacks can wreak havoc.
Have you tried exercise in addition to what you have been doing? Ive found it to be great therapy. It helps your brain produce endorphins and can aid in your brain's chemical reset. Its not a cure all, but to me it helps.
I wish you the best. If you want anyone to talk to you can always message me.
Keep strong!
 
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