First I really enjoyed the cut and thrust of this thread. As a person who has only recently (shit, coming up five months; does that still constitute "recent") started using drugs - and started with IV meth - I probably don't get the anti-IV perspective too well. Smoking does not work for me as a non-smoker; I find I cannot draw the required stuff as mcuch as I would want. Funnily enough though, IVing has turned me from a needle phobia to a full-on needle obsessive. Love watchinmg the draw of the blood and even thinking of placing a surrepticious needle with blood in my new tattoo....But I digress...
My mate, with whom I have had a mentoring relationship for some time, injected me with meth for the first time back in April. He was 16 when first injected (now 24) and often says he both loves and hates the bloke who did it for him. If he was honest with himself, he was probably part motivated by the fact that I had the cash and had decided to take the plunge (so to speak). He knew I had been thinking of trying ice (meth) for some time (certainly over 12 months). The bloke I first thought about doing it with is someone I could not trust and Adam (my mate) had been worried for a while that I would actually do that and warned me to stay away.
After a day at the football though, I asked him straight out to do it for me as I could not do it myself (needle phobia). While he didn't really stress that much that night about it (I think the fact that I had made my decision once and for all was pretty obvious).
He did it that night. I just loved it beyond words. I haven't looked back. It has introduced something to my life I will be eternally grateful for having the opportunity to experience, no matter what happens.
The only issue is that my 24 year old mentee has the guilts. He is terrified I will become addicted although he is now satisfied his 44 year old mentor is made of sturdy stuff. At the start, he was understandably concerned whether I could handle it and the level of concern he has shown me has taken our friendship to a new level of closeness. There is a great video of my face when he was injecting me on one occasion and the look of total adoration and gratitude on my face toward him is actually funny; I had no idea I had looked at him like that and even he dropped the feelings of guilt for a while when I pointed it out to him. Adam was angry when I struck out and injected myself having warned me not to but took a protective role when I pointed out that I did not always want him to spoil his rush by having to look after me.
But, despite the total gratitude I feel (regardless of what happens from here!) toward Adam for TEACHING me what to do and, most critically, what NOT to do, his guiltiness over "starting me off" still comes up occasionally. He still punishes himself for it, hoping that the newfound depth of our friendship is not affected by me one day coming to resent him.
He just cannot accept he can't take responsibility for the decisions of a strongwilled, independant man 20 years his senior. He knows he has taught me everything he could to make me safer, he knows that my curiosity was going to lead me to a mutual acquaintance (who had originally suggested it to me) if he knocked me back (the same one I had ummed and aahed over for well over a year because I did not trust him), he hears me when I tell everyone who'll listen how much information he made me listen to before he injected me the first time to warn me what to expect from rush to alertness to the possible symptoms of the comedown. Frankly, as I have said many times, if he had not made me listen to some of the come down symptoms I could experience, I probably would have had a panic attack after doing it for the first time. The fact that he took my calls at all hours in my first comedown when I had a new symptom I was worried about remains - to me - an act of both friendship and tolerance.
But...three things worry me...If something does happen (and it could happen to any of us, this is an inherently risky behaviour we do, regardless of how safe you try to be), whether it be addiction or worse, Adam will never forgive himself. I see this in a number of the posts in this thread. There does not seem to be anything I can do except do my best to ensure we both stay safe unless we both stop (Adam is an addict although he denies it; I think I am at least developing an addiction even though I generally exhibit the ability to say "no".) Part of me takes an absurd, childish pride in going toe to toe with such an experienced user even though I know it is probably the most stupid of all the stupid things I have chosen to do in recent months. Sometimes, I can see the joy in his eyes as he sees me enjoying myself, loosening up quite a bit and the respect and friendship he is earning from me.
He has never had a "real" dad, in whom he can actually place his trust, rather than just an abusive sperm donor who treated him as his personal chattel. All of which is wonderful and I feel truly fortunate to have helped a "damaged" young man (his self-description) see that he can trust some people in the world not to exploit him or to belittle him.
It is intensely rewarding to see him feel safe in trusting another person, to let me help him with his reading (he has had serious learning difficulties since he was a small boy, despite a very high natural intelligence, and was one of those "left behind" because his needs were too difficult and time consuming) without feeling "put down". Friends have actually remarked to both of us that we look almost like brothers, focussing so naturally on working on such things for hours on end (high on ice, I must admit) without any judgement or self consciousness. I have seen his self esteem grow steadily as he realises that he has a friend and mentor who is reliable and consistent and honest with him. I saw his self belief shoot through the roof when I had a "light bulb moment" and blurted out that the mentoring experience I had wanted for him (ie to mentor someone else) was actually happening with me on drugs, and other survival issues that my relatively sheltered life had not exposed me to.
I have seen his naturally giving nature blossom as he has allowed himself to fall for a great girl who, when he gets scared sometimes, can just road test his fears on me without freaking her out too much.
Secondly, as my use has steadily escalated, do I see in his eyes that I am becoming a trigger for his ice use? Worse still, am I associating our get togethers with drug use too closely? Am I allowing Adam to become a trigger for me too?
And am I setting this young man up, as well intentioned as I am, to be too dependant on me? It's great that he takes pride in the level of trust and regard his girlfriend and I have for him; it's great that he has opened his vulnerabilities up to some people he can trust and not had them used against him.
But now I am a drug user too with at least a developing reliance on the ice rush and a diminishing ability to resist the amount I enjoy it (I am imposing timeframes on my usage again, did do it every week for a while) and, if I am honest with myself, there have been times when I have deliberately fired up Adam because I selfishly wanted to use some ice. Ok, actually only once but I was so appalled at myself; he had said "no" because we were going to the football with his girlfriend and he wanted to be on his best behaviour....
She didn't mind but I could not believe I had done that...
Thirdly, the fear I have never said out loud was raised in earlier posts. If something did happen while Adam injected me, is he legally in the firing line? While I can do myself now, I am still a little clumsy (OK a lot) with the needle and find it much easier (on me at least) to have Adam do it. But not if it gets him into more trouble with the law just for looking after me. That's not protecting my mate which I must do at all costs.
Anyway, thanks for this thread. Suggest it may be obvious I have been using in last 24 hours given the length of the rant?
