Cloud9please
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 11, 2013
- Messages
- 6
So I wrote this for my girlfriends Psych project for her LPN finals and was told that I had the whole class cut pretty deep with this. So those of you who think your different, invincible, stronger, better, or anything different than a human being. This is worth the time you spend reading this.
"Year of 2003
13 years old. I was introduced to my best friend, my brother, and I had smoked pot for the first time. My eyes were opened to the ability to make money on something so easily when I wasn’t able to get a normal job. For the following 8 years I had done everything from dating a stripper helping her hustle customers in the club at 15, to experimenting with and even selling excess amounts of Cocaine, Ecstasy, MDMA, Speed, Benzo's, Mushrooms, LSD, Salvia, Morning-glory seeds, Spice, 2-CB, 2-CD, Mescaline, Embalming fluid (PCP), Opium, Synthetic Opiates (pharmaceuticals), and Bath Salts with a side of alcohol. During this time I was never addicted. Opiates were my choice of drug. Opiates were the second substance I had experimented with. I have taken and exposed myself to excess amounts of a majority of these drugs, daily, but never had a "craving" or a "need" for them, even when they were around me all the time. Money was easy, Life was great. I lived like a rock-star and grew up fast. They were simply extracurricular or "something to do because I was bored" to me and nothing more. This was not simply just an occasional thing. This was daily, weekly at best. After having done all of these things and never experiencing withdrawal, or any need for continued use except for fun, you begin to think that addiction is merely in peoples’ minds or its genetic. You start to build this god complex, feeling untouchable and unstoppable. You start to think your superior to people with drug addictions and talk down to them as if it was simply because they are weak minded. You’re on top of the world.
Year of 2011.
Heroin. That was the wall that eventually stopped me. It happened to be right as I finally started caring about things and stopped "not giving a f***", after years of being single with nobody to be affected by my choices, used to being with just my best friend by my side. Not the constructive best friend that tells you that you f***ed up because you’re sitting in jail. The one who's sitting next to you in jail saying "we f***ed up". Up until this point, my best friend eventually ended up in prison for 4 years because of heroin. Even after living the same exact life as me and not being addicted to anything. That was his wall too. Learn by example? I'm different. He was just weaker than me.
I had just met someone I eventually fell in love with, my first real girlfriend that I legitimately loved and found a reason to calm down. I still felt like I was unstoppable, I was still going to throw keggars and do drugs. But I didn't know anything different. I never pressured anyone, especially my girlfriend, into drugs or anything of the sorts. I was never like that because I thought I was a rare exception to addiction unlike other people. A week after meeting this girl, I stopped at a "friends" house to pick him up and he had a line of powder on a CD case and told me to "come here". He then said "do this" I asked what it was, and he replied "it doesn’t matter, just do it, you’ll like it", and the dominos began to fall. Within 15 minutes I was drooling on myself half unconscious fighting to pick my head up off the bar we ended up at, in front of this girl I just met. I didn't care much for the girl other than she was cool and she didn’t annoy me. She had no idea about anything I was involved in let alone what I had just done prior to going to the bar, and I was definitely not going to tell her. I wasn’t completely sure of what I had even done. But I loved it.
Soon I called my friend back up and had talked to him about getting more, he replies with "yeah, and I can get it at a good price", worst mistake of my life. I asked him to give me some to see what kind of money I can make and he can have all the cash, I just wanted to know. Within two hours everything was gone and people were calling back, at this point I was not craving it, I loved it, but it was just money like everything else. Eventually I had a large supply doing a little here and there for fun and ended up in a relationship at the same time. She didn't know what I was doing; I definitely was not going to tell her. We moved in together. She thought I only sold pot. Within weeks I had thousands of dollars in my pocket and started doing a little bit more and more of heroin. She still had no clue, no idea what the signs were, I mean I was only sniffing it so it was ok. It's not like I was a junky or anything, or needed it. I was different. I can't be addicted. Drugs have never messed up my life.
Months later, still with the same girl. We grew closer and closer. But little did I know I was closer and closer to my metaphorical "wall". Selling to all these low lifes while doing the same thing as them, but I was different because I didn't shoot up and I was stronger than them. I figured I've done opiates before and never been addicted. My record for self-control was perfect. Even after my good friends telling me to stop before I became addicted, I laughed at them and told them I was different. Then I was dry. My dealer was out and so was I. The next day I began feeling not so well, but couldn’t figure out why, thought maybe I was just sick. Then my supply was back, and I was fine. Even then it didn't hit me. You could break your leg and this stuff would make everything ok. So I thought it was nothing.
It happened again, this time worse. I could handle it but I did not enjoy it. I would much rather just keep doing it so I didn't have to feel this way. I didn't "Crave" it or "need" it. I did go through with-drawls a couple times just so that I could get higher next time and she still didn't know, but I didn't care. It's not like I loved the girl or anything. After needing more and more to get high and watching so many people use way less than I do, intravenously, and get more out of it. I decided why not. It’s efficient and I've never let a drug control me before. Plus this was instant gratification. Disgusting, dirty, slowly working my way down the social classes. But it was my life, I'm not affecting anyone.
Eventually I had so much money and so much product that it didn't matter how much I did. I was still on top. I eventually bought my girlfriend a ring and told her I loved her. We hit it off. At this point she knew I was doing a little of it, but never had any idea I was shooting it. I was sure as hell not going to tell her now; I actually cared about this girl, not just my pride. As time passed she had found out my new method of getting high. It wasn't hard to figure out. I was half unconscious most of the time, still loved it. As time passed, my pockets got bigger, and so did my problem. I was addicted, full blown addicted. I needed it. But I needed her. Our house started getting robbed. People were showing up at 6 in the morning looking for a fix. I surrounded this girl with things you couldn’t imagine. She didn't do drugs. She had no escape from all of it like I did. Eventually this girl went from completely adoring me and thinking so highly of me, to being completely disgusted. Then I started watching my life fall apart. Yeah I had money, but for once I cared about something greater than money or myself, and was slowly losing that which I cared most about. I didn't realize what exactly I was putting her through and didn't see it until more than a year later.
Within six months of my first use, I was doing five times more heroin than a normal person could do in a day. Detox was not an option. Not for lack of trying. After four hours of no use, I was sick. After a day, I was literally on my hands and knees puking. A day and a half later, puking blood. Past that I was in the hospital. I lost weight fast, became severely unhealthy. All I could think was, "I have almost a week more of this?” I couldn't do it. So I tried living as normal of a life as I could while slowly destroying my girlfriends.
A year later eventually things only got worse. I no longer did this to get high. I did this to stay out of the hospital. I got held up gunpoint and robbed by three of my customers, but only after they broke my sternum and then some. My girlfriend faithfully stayed by my side during this and everything else, but had enough. She was no longer the girl that still adored me. But I still loved her, after all why wouldn't I. She wasn't the addict.
We broke up shortly after, I was devastated. I had lost everything close to me because of my addiction. She was gone, and now I saw how bad I really was and what I had put her through. You eventually lose sight of reality and just want to believe everything’s ok, when it’s really not. My addiction only got worse. Soon I was out of money, selling my things to stay ahead. I could no longer do the one thing I have done all my life. Sell, or even be around drugs. Self-control was gone. My family was disappointed in me, I no longer had confidence in myself, and I just wanted to get high. I Tried going to counseling, but was told "she’s not license to handle issues of my size". Thanks. I went to multiple programs but all people wanted to do was talk about my addiction and wanted me to "just stop". Like it was that easy. Maintenance programs had a year long waiting list that was full and suboxone doctors were not accepting patients. I couldn't find a way out. Rehabs cost a lot of money and I didn't have insurance. With rock bottom slowly on its way, I learned of a program that did medical assisted detox. This was a godsend. This was how I can get her back. Off I went, completely broke and miserable. I couldn’t fake a smile if I tried. I thought everything would be over as soon as I got through the withdrawals.
Soon after, I was clean. For the first time in a long time I was actually clean. That's when I was introduced to cravings. I still thought I was invincible. I thought I could still sell it, and be around it. Ignoring the fact that every time I got bad anxiety or too stressed out, I would fall back into it. People always told me this was a lifelong battle. Not me. I'm different. Eventually I was out of expensive things to sell to keep me in business and after completely ripping off all my close friends, destroying every friendship I had built and my mother being forced to hide her pills .I was forced to be clean. Rock-bottom.
Eventually I got some money in my pocket, selling other substances that I didn't care to do. I was back to my normal self with a record clean streak and a second chance with the love of my life. She happened to have just taken out a loan and once again with faith in me, believed I was back to normal. I believed I was back to normal. So she helped me out with a large amount of money to help me get back on my feet. First thing I did was go to my dealer to make money the best way I knew how to. After all, I was clean and my addiction was over. I picked up my poison, figured it wouldn’t hurt to do my usual hit considering I had so much and within half an hour I'm handcuffed to a stretcher wondering what just happened. Just erased the last two months of sobriety in an instant and overdosed for the first time. Never in my life did I expect that, I knew what I was used to doing, but didn’t know I could no longer handle that much. I lost all of her money in half an hour and now in severe debt. So much for a second chance huh? She still loved me. But my addiction was back in its prime. I started lying, stealing, and slowly throwing away everything I finally worked so hard to build. This is when I realized addiction was a lifelong thing and I was no longer invincible. Eventually it continued, I still had her and used her companionship to bury my addiction in the back of my mind, losing more and more money, Owing more and more.
After selling every last thing I own except for my TV and my bed, No apartment, Living out of my parents’ house and losing my second chance with my girlfriend, rock-bottom again. Three years it took for me to see what I see now, to see what I had put everyone through. That I was not only ruining my own life but everyone around me. Three years it took for me to finally admit that I was not invincible, or different from any other person. This year a new year.
-Anonymous
"
"Year of 2003
13 years old. I was introduced to my best friend, my brother, and I had smoked pot for the first time. My eyes were opened to the ability to make money on something so easily when I wasn’t able to get a normal job. For the following 8 years I had done everything from dating a stripper helping her hustle customers in the club at 15, to experimenting with and even selling excess amounts of Cocaine, Ecstasy, MDMA, Speed, Benzo's, Mushrooms, LSD, Salvia, Morning-glory seeds, Spice, 2-CB, 2-CD, Mescaline, Embalming fluid (PCP), Opium, Synthetic Opiates (pharmaceuticals), and Bath Salts with a side of alcohol. During this time I was never addicted. Opiates were my choice of drug. Opiates were the second substance I had experimented with. I have taken and exposed myself to excess amounts of a majority of these drugs, daily, but never had a "craving" or a "need" for them, even when they were around me all the time. Money was easy, Life was great. I lived like a rock-star and grew up fast. They were simply extracurricular or "something to do because I was bored" to me and nothing more. This was not simply just an occasional thing. This was daily, weekly at best. After having done all of these things and never experiencing withdrawal, or any need for continued use except for fun, you begin to think that addiction is merely in peoples’ minds or its genetic. You start to build this god complex, feeling untouchable and unstoppable. You start to think your superior to people with drug addictions and talk down to them as if it was simply because they are weak minded. You’re on top of the world.
Year of 2011.
Heroin. That was the wall that eventually stopped me. It happened to be right as I finally started caring about things and stopped "not giving a f***", after years of being single with nobody to be affected by my choices, used to being with just my best friend by my side. Not the constructive best friend that tells you that you f***ed up because you’re sitting in jail. The one who's sitting next to you in jail saying "we f***ed up". Up until this point, my best friend eventually ended up in prison for 4 years because of heroin. Even after living the same exact life as me and not being addicted to anything. That was his wall too. Learn by example? I'm different. He was just weaker than me.
I had just met someone I eventually fell in love with, my first real girlfriend that I legitimately loved and found a reason to calm down. I still felt like I was unstoppable, I was still going to throw keggars and do drugs. But I didn't know anything different. I never pressured anyone, especially my girlfriend, into drugs or anything of the sorts. I was never like that because I thought I was a rare exception to addiction unlike other people. A week after meeting this girl, I stopped at a "friends" house to pick him up and he had a line of powder on a CD case and told me to "come here". He then said "do this" I asked what it was, and he replied "it doesn’t matter, just do it, you’ll like it", and the dominos began to fall. Within 15 minutes I was drooling on myself half unconscious fighting to pick my head up off the bar we ended up at, in front of this girl I just met. I didn't care much for the girl other than she was cool and she didn’t annoy me. She had no idea about anything I was involved in let alone what I had just done prior to going to the bar, and I was definitely not going to tell her. I wasn’t completely sure of what I had even done. But I loved it.
Soon I called my friend back up and had talked to him about getting more, he replies with "yeah, and I can get it at a good price", worst mistake of my life. I asked him to give me some to see what kind of money I can make and he can have all the cash, I just wanted to know. Within two hours everything was gone and people were calling back, at this point I was not craving it, I loved it, but it was just money like everything else. Eventually I had a large supply doing a little here and there for fun and ended up in a relationship at the same time. She didn't know what I was doing; I definitely was not going to tell her. We moved in together. She thought I only sold pot. Within weeks I had thousands of dollars in my pocket and started doing a little bit more and more of heroin. She still had no clue, no idea what the signs were, I mean I was only sniffing it so it was ok. It's not like I was a junky or anything, or needed it. I was different. I can't be addicted. Drugs have never messed up my life.
Months later, still with the same girl. We grew closer and closer. But little did I know I was closer and closer to my metaphorical "wall". Selling to all these low lifes while doing the same thing as them, but I was different because I didn't shoot up and I was stronger than them. I figured I've done opiates before and never been addicted. My record for self-control was perfect. Even after my good friends telling me to stop before I became addicted, I laughed at them and told them I was different. Then I was dry. My dealer was out and so was I. The next day I began feeling not so well, but couldn’t figure out why, thought maybe I was just sick. Then my supply was back, and I was fine. Even then it didn't hit me. You could break your leg and this stuff would make everything ok. So I thought it was nothing.
It happened again, this time worse. I could handle it but I did not enjoy it. I would much rather just keep doing it so I didn't have to feel this way. I didn't "Crave" it or "need" it. I did go through with-drawls a couple times just so that I could get higher next time and she still didn't know, but I didn't care. It's not like I loved the girl or anything. After needing more and more to get high and watching so many people use way less than I do, intravenously, and get more out of it. I decided why not. It’s efficient and I've never let a drug control me before. Plus this was instant gratification. Disgusting, dirty, slowly working my way down the social classes. But it was my life, I'm not affecting anyone.
Eventually I had so much money and so much product that it didn't matter how much I did. I was still on top. I eventually bought my girlfriend a ring and told her I loved her. We hit it off. At this point she knew I was doing a little of it, but never had any idea I was shooting it. I was sure as hell not going to tell her now; I actually cared about this girl, not just my pride. As time passed she had found out my new method of getting high. It wasn't hard to figure out. I was half unconscious most of the time, still loved it. As time passed, my pockets got bigger, and so did my problem. I was addicted, full blown addicted. I needed it. But I needed her. Our house started getting robbed. People were showing up at 6 in the morning looking for a fix. I surrounded this girl with things you couldn’t imagine. She didn't do drugs. She had no escape from all of it like I did. Eventually this girl went from completely adoring me and thinking so highly of me, to being completely disgusted. Then I started watching my life fall apart. Yeah I had money, but for once I cared about something greater than money or myself, and was slowly losing that which I cared most about. I didn't realize what exactly I was putting her through and didn't see it until more than a year later.
Within six months of my first use, I was doing five times more heroin than a normal person could do in a day. Detox was not an option. Not for lack of trying. After four hours of no use, I was sick. After a day, I was literally on my hands and knees puking. A day and a half later, puking blood. Past that I was in the hospital. I lost weight fast, became severely unhealthy. All I could think was, "I have almost a week more of this?” I couldn't do it. So I tried living as normal of a life as I could while slowly destroying my girlfriends.
A year later eventually things only got worse. I no longer did this to get high. I did this to stay out of the hospital. I got held up gunpoint and robbed by three of my customers, but only after they broke my sternum and then some. My girlfriend faithfully stayed by my side during this and everything else, but had enough. She was no longer the girl that still adored me. But I still loved her, after all why wouldn't I. She wasn't the addict.
We broke up shortly after, I was devastated. I had lost everything close to me because of my addiction. She was gone, and now I saw how bad I really was and what I had put her through. You eventually lose sight of reality and just want to believe everything’s ok, when it’s really not. My addiction only got worse. Soon I was out of money, selling my things to stay ahead. I could no longer do the one thing I have done all my life. Sell, or even be around drugs. Self-control was gone. My family was disappointed in me, I no longer had confidence in myself, and I just wanted to get high. I Tried going to counseling, but was told "she’s not license to handle issues of my size". Thanks. I went to multiple programs but all people wanted to do was talk about my addiction and wanted me to "just stop". Like it was that easy. Maintenance programs had a year long waiting list that was full and suboxone doctors were not accepting patients. I couldn't find a way out. Rehabs cost a lot of money and I didn't have insurance. With rock bottom slowly on its way, I learned of a program that did medical assisted detox. This was a godsend. This was how I can get her back. Off I went, completely broke and miserable. I couldn’t fake a smile if I tried. I thought everything would be over as soon as I got through the withdrawals.
Soon after, I was clean. For the first time in a long time I was actually clean. That's when I was introduced to cravings. I still thought I was invincible. I thought I could still sell it, and be around it. Ignoring the fact that every time I got bad anxiety or too stressed out, I would fall back into it. People always told me this was a lifelong battle. Not me. I'm different. Eventually I was out of expensive things to sell to keep me in business and after completely ripping off all my close friends, destroying every friendship I had built and my mother being forced to hide her pills .I was forced to be clean. Rock-bottom.
Eventually I got some money in my pocket, selling other substances that I didn't care to do. I was back to my normal self with a record clean streak and a second chance with the love of my life. She happened to have just taken out a loan and once again with faith in me, believed I was back to normal. I believed I was back to normal. So she helped me out with a large amount of money to help me get back on my feet. First thing I did was go to my dealer to make money the best way I knew how to. After all, I was clean and my addiction was over. I picked up my poison, figured it wouldn’t hurt to do my usual hit considering I had so much and within half an hour I'm handcuffed to a stretcher wondering what just happened. Just erased the last two months of sobriety in an instant and overdosed for the first time. Never in my life did I expect that, I knew what I was used to doing, but didn’t know I could no longer handle that much. I lost all of her money in half an hour and now in severe debt. So much for a second chance huh? She still loved me. But my addiction was back in its prime. I started lying, stealing, and slowly throwing away everything I finally worked so hard to build. This is when I realized addiction was a lifelong thing and I was no longer invincible. Eventually it continued, I still had her and used her companionship to bury my addiction in the back of my mind, losing more and more money, Owing more and more.
After selling every last thing I own except for my TV and my bed, No apartment, Living out of my parents’ house and losing my second chance with my girlfriend, rock-bottom again. Three years it took for me to see what I see now, to see what I had put everyone through. That I was not only ruining my own life but everyone around me. Three years it took for me to finally admit that I was not invincible, or different from any other person. This year a new year.
-Anonymous
"
