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So Very Tired....

No problem :)

Keep us posted; we're a curious bunch here.
 
I was advised to post in this thread by one of the TDS mods after a post I made in another thread about suicide in TDS was deleted

I've finally moved out which is great because now when I kill myself it won't be my parents who discover the body. I've had enough and truly feel that I will have found the courage to kill myself just as soon as Christmas Day is over (before Christmas would be even more devastating for my Mum) but because I live in the UK I cant just shoot myself so either have to pluck up the courage to hang myself (and the "drop" to break my neck or back vertabrae scares the shit out of me) or, more likely, drug myself to death.

I figure putting on 15 x 100ucg/hr fentanyl patches + eating 100 x 2mg clonazepam tabs + using a cut-throat razor to slit my throat should do the job.

SO to the folk who responded in this thread with tips and strategies to heal my mind I thank you but I think I'm just going to end it all my way - I mean, hell, when the forum I care most about in Bluelight is deleting my posts for no good reason what's the point of coming to Bluelight anymore? And Bluelight is the only "support network" I have in reality.

Happy holidays everyone and look out for yourselves and each other. Love from David x
 
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David, it breaks my heart to hear that you're still planning to kill yourself. You speak about not having the courage to go through with it, but do you appreciate how much courage you have to stick around when you are in so much physical and emotional pain?? You are stronger and more determined to live than you even realise, I think. You also acknowledge that your mother is going to be devastated, why would you knowingly do that to her? Tell her what you are planning to do and at least give her a chance to tell you how she feels about it. She has done so much for you in your life, I think you owe it to her to let her know what you have planned.

Please reconsider this David. You've come this far, you show so much strength every single day, please use that strength to keep on going. It's not your time to go yet mate <3
 
Many thanks for your sweet words n3ophy7e.

Can't see me discussing it with my Mum: we're middle-class English so deal with problems by not talking about them whatsoever. But I agree that - in an ideal world - it would be a fine idea to talk through my intentions with my Mum. My MUm has been a total bitch in many ways to me for years and years so when you ask "why would you knowingly do that to her"........ I do actually have some reasons.

And although I'm ashamed to admit it wanting to make my parents hurt is a small contributory factor in my current suicidal ideation. It's mainly due to wanting all the pain to stop and seeing a very very bleak future which I don't wish to endure for 50 years before a natural death but the hurt it would cause my parents and my cunt of a big brotherare also factors.

Anyway, with all due respect I actually increasingly feel like it IS my time to go so although I'm scared shitless of the actual act I can't see any other viable course of action.
 
You haven't gone through with it yet because you ain't done yet, man.

Our stories are somewhat similar. Trauma at a young age, serious back issues, drugs, etc. I swallowed 4,000 ibruprofin once, and my dad wouldn't have found me downstairs unless he had an inkling that I strangely might want a sandwich from Arby's (even though I was painfully anorexic). Anyway, I digress...

That wasn't the only time I tried to end it. However, many times since then, I have thanked the powers that be that I was unsuccessful in my attempts to end my life. I still hit a low, every year around Christmas (I'm avoiding the bipolar crash this year with copious amounts of meth, seems to be working...) where I do nothing but fantasize about driving into oncoming traffic and all the fantastic ways I could die. I hate that my family loves me. I hate that they want to help me. I hate my friends for liking me. Why the FUCK would you like me? I hate me...so much...it's almost incredible. Yet, somehow - there's one little tiny intsy bitsy weenie bo-teenie glimmer of the old me, hope, somewhere deep down inside of me, and guess what - you've still got it. You know what that little intsy bitsy thing says?

Your parents fucking love you, because you are their kid, and you're a cool kid. They are helping you because they have hope for you, and they're STILL GONNA FUCKING LOVE YOU, no matter how badly you keep fucking up, and keep trying to push everybody away, and keep slowly trying to kill yourself with drugs, and wish things were another way...
Pain blows. The past sucks. Everything sucks most days. Fuck it all. But I'm still here, you're still here, by the grace of something...something wants you to KEEP FUCKIN' TRUCKIN'. I hate every word of that, because...it's true.

Keep truckin', man. Find SOMETHING that you like. Anything. Scribbling, building ant hills, digging holes for squirrels, biking, flying a kite - anything that might squeak a smile out of yourself. 1/1000th of a second of glee. It's a beginning. A measly one at that, but shit's gotta start somewhere.

I truly wish you the best, and even though I don't know you, if I was there, I'd give you a hug, rub your head and tell ya that everything's gonna be allright.

<3
 
Littlepenguin,

God bless your kind thoughts and wise words. Im so sorry things have been so shitty for you too and to quote you if I were there I'd give you a hug and tell you it'll be Ok, somehow.

I <did a bunch of downers> this week to try to finish it all because I just can't talke anymore personal pain nor anymore letting everyone down but my flatmate found me and called the ambulance who saved my life.

I also let some cunt rape me anally this week for a lousy <bit of drugs>. I have so little self-repect it's just not true.

Have just spent a hellish Christmas with my parents who - bless them - did their best in a way but it all went very wrong and Im going back to my flat tomrrow where Im going to drink <a lot of alcohol and take more downers> and forget all about life for a few days.

Hope all you you lovely lovely warm-hearted Dark Siders had bearable holiday periods and I wish you all a far better new year than the last one.

Over and out folks.

Love and blessings from England, David x
 
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Anyone got some wise and/or kind words at this goddam awful time of year?
 
I wish that I did. You deserve far better than the situation that you're in. Hell, nobody deserves that.

You've tried many different means of getting clean already, yes? Inpatient and the like? The proximal cause is your polydrug addiction, but those are profoundly difficult to treat. I see that you're done with NA, but do you have another methodology in mind to try? I'm an advocate of dose regulation and tapering, but I don't know how well that works for people in your situation.

Are you seeing a therapist? There is clearly a powerful current of depression and self-loathing underneath the addiciton, which is almost certainly the root cause. If you're able to work at it, there are many highly effective treatments for depression that needn't entail taking more drugs.

Regardless, I wish you serenity and peace in the coming days, and some hope for resolution in the coming weeks.
 
Hi David, I don't have any wise words but I can certainly relate to "this awful goddamn time of year". The amped up expectations for happiness,coupled with the short dark days are a bitch. I am always so relieved after the first of January when the days go back to just being days instead of holidays.
 
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