So Very Tired....

[dhcdavid]

I'm starting this thread because I'm so very tired of continuing with living yet paradoxically can't quite bring myself to metaphorically pull that trigger either..... I say metaphorically because I'm an Englishman and don't have a gun so in my case I feel the suicide method with the highest rate of success and lowest amount of personal physical agony will be a fentanyl overdose.

For half my life I have been consumed with the memories, the incredibly vivid memories, of being raped and sexually abused by a disgusting piece of shit priest from the church where I was a chorister. Im now in my early 30s, feel like Im in 70s and just want all the pain to go away. In addition to mental pain I also have severe and incredibly painful ankylosing spondilitis (an arthritis-related condition) to contend with for which Im on lots of fentanyl (200mcg/hr & 80mg oxynorm daily) which obviously are downers but are less of a downer than non-stop joint pain in my humble opinion.

I seem incapable of living sensibly alone and am back with my parents after my last relationship broke up in March: the fucking fentanyl destroys your libido and my girlfriend KNEW that but STILL coinvinced herself that she couldn't be with a man who wasn't up for sex like 3 or 4 nights a week so started fucking another guy whilst we were still living together and then turns round one day and dumps me.

In the last three months I've seriously attempted suicide twice: the first time, the rope broke and I'm now left with lovely bruising around my neck which is tricky to hide in summer and the second time I took razor to my lower arms but was found unconscious on my bathroom floor, rushed to hospital and obviously survived... and now have the biggest ugliest many inches-long scars on both arms so no more t-shirts for me forever probably.

I'm not a coward..........Ive battled depression and seeing the face of the old cunt who raped and abused me 15 years ago all the time; Ive seen psychiatrists, psychologist, tried support groups for male survivors of sexual abuse.... you name it and Ive probably tried it.

But Ive also been a burden to my parents ever since I left home at 18: each time a relationship has gone wrong or Ive lost a job my parents have taken me in. Whenever Ive needed money they've "lent " (knowing I'm probably never going to be in a psoiton to repay it) it to me.

Im a fully qualified high school teacher but because of a caution for marijuana possession 6 years ago I hardly ever get any interivews no matter how many applications I send in.

Ive been unemployed and living at home with my parents for 6 months now (after my relationship in Manchester broke down and the catering agency where I was working as a barman and waiter went out of business). I have no car, assets, property or savings because for years I had a very large gambling adiction (which thanks to Gamblers Anonymous and some will power Ive been able to break but it has left me destitute) and these days I'm so fucking down about everything I behave like a little fucking kid and spend every last pound I get in benefits on coke.

My parents are 60 and don't need this in their life.

I have had my chances and opportunites and blown the lot of them. No-one will take on a 34 as an apprentice and I can't find any school willing to give me a job either which sucks seeing as that's all I'm qualified to do (even though I'm a great teacher and have great references - even from a school where I did supply teaching for a year AFTER my drugs caution... go figure?!?!).

So over the last week my desire to end my life PROPERLY and DEFINITELY has been growing exponentially day by day and hour by hour. Being an Englishman I don't have access to a firearm but I do have a pile of 18 x 100mcg/hr Durogesic DTrans fentanyl patches and am pretty certain that even though I have a huge tolerance (I once had 5 on at once but surprise surprise didn't feel very well) surely if I put all 18 on at once an hour or so before going to bed then I won't wake up.

And the silliest thing of all is that one more big thing adding to my depression is that I'm being cowardly about killing myself and humming and hahing and just procrastinating when I should just get it over and done with it.

I just feel like I'm almost out of time and am so tired of being ashamed at what a total fuck-up I am and how much pain and suffering Ive caused my parents; at least if I finally succeed in killing myself I won't go on hurting people around me i.e. my parents and me.

I know there's a lot of wisdom and compassion within the hearts of many Dark Siders and while I'm very sorry to take up your time if you've read this post I'd be real grateful for any tips or advice you may have.

Blessings to you all. Love from English David x

 

[n3ophy7e]

David, the reason you haven't gone through with your fentanyl plan is because you actually don't want to die. That isn't cowardly in the slightest. In fact, it is the total opposite. The reason you keep hanging on is because you are a very strong individual and deep down inside you KNOW that you're not out of options yet.

You've been through so much adversity, I cannot even imagine so I won't even pretend that I know what it's been like for you. But the reason that you keep working through all of these hardships that you've faced is because it's not your time to go yet. Please don't give up yet mate.

Having suffered with depression most of my life I know that type of mindset that you get in where you honestly think that everyone will be better off without you alive. But it is just not true. Have your parents ever illuded to you that they are sick of you being around? Have you ever told them about your plans? Do you have a realistic idea of how they would react and the devastation it would cause them if you prematurely took your life? Like you said, they are in their 60s, they don't need that kind of shock and heartbreak because it would completely destroy them.

Severe depression distorts our thoughts and makes us believe things that are not true and are unrealistic. Do you think that some of the thoughts you've been having fit in to this category? Are you currently seeing a psychologist? If not, how long ago were you regularly seeing one?

Also, I understand a little bit about ankylosing spondilitis, and I understand the level of pain it causes. Is there any other drug other than fentanyl that you can trial to give you relief?? Is there a pain management clinic that you've been to, or that you could possibly go to, to try a different pain solution? It is entirely possible that the fentanyl is making you more depressed, which you really don't need. Are you on any anti-depressant medication at the moment? If not, would you be averse to trying it?

Sorry for all the questions but I really want to know a bit more about your current situation so we can work through this together. You don't want to die, so let's find other ways to make things better

 

[Tude]

Thank you so much for sharing with us. I'm sorry you still have to see the asshole that caused you so much pain. Is there any way to avoid him? Please don't kill yourself, it sounds like your parents would be devastated. Obviously, if they keep taking you in and helping you, they love you to pieces!

 

[Syrax]

^
When he said that he sees the individual's face I think he's referring to the fact that the image was burned into his brain and he's having PTSD flashbacks. Not that he's actually seeing the person in the flesh.
___

You may already be aware of what I'm going to suggest because you've explored a variety of treatment options.

But it would be beneficial for you to get involved in some sort of exposure therapy. Unfortunately, as I'm sure you understand, there are licensed professionals in the mental health field who have no clue what the fuck they're doing. So I have reason to believe that it's possible you never got the care you needed despite meeting with both psychologists and psychiatrists.

As I understand it, you need to work with someone who is going to force you to dig deep into those memories and focus intently on them. Specifically focusing on your feelings in relation to the traumatic event. Healing is definitely possible. But if it were me, I would have a hard time finding the right person to help me go through such an experience. I really hope you can find someone who actually knows what they're doing and can guide you in that process. It's certainly possible to get to the point where those memories aren't so frightening. People do it every day.

When a mind experiences such visceral acute trauma like you did it leaves a deep groove in the psyche. You have to explore that trauma in depth until the emotions that are tied to it become less jarring. Avoidance of those feelings most likely makes that traumatic memory more powerful and exponentially more disturbing. Excavation of the traumatic event, and more importantly the feelings that surround it, is really best done with another person.

You need to find someone who is skilled at their profession and knows how to do exposure therapy for PTSD. If it's done correctly, that groove in your psyche should start to diminish, allowing you to heal and give way to a better future.

There are people in this world that experience insanely traumatic events in their childhood and never deal with them appropriately. As they lie in a hospital bed with tubes running through them, the trauma is still replaying over and over in their brain. Like a movie they've been watching for 60 years. It absolutely does not have to be this way. It's very possible to heal. Even from such heavy wounds.

Your parents would NOT be better off if you committed suicide. It would be a major traumatic event for them that would cause them untold levels of pain. Killing yourself won't lessen the burden on your parents... it will dramatically INCREASE the burden. Depression is twisting your thoughts and perverting your reality.

I'm not going to lie to you though. Your situation is a bit tricky. The problem is that performing successful exposure therapy (or just CBT in general) for PTSD when the patient is under the influence of fentanyl is going to be difficult. Perhaps there's someone who frequents these forums that would know how to deal with such a situation. The effects that opiates have are generally counterproductive to dealing with trauma. That's why a lot of people abuse them, obviously.

You really have nothing to be ashamed about though. And I'm not trying to just lie to make you feel better, but you really don't. Everything doesn't fall squarely on your shoulders in life. Not that I'm encouraging you to play the blame game, but everything can't possibly be your fault can it? It can't. It's just Depression talking, twisting your reality.

Again, I'm not going to lie to you and declare outright that your situation is easily fixable. It's clearly not. However, I'm certainly not going to declare that your situation is hopeless. That's even more ridiculous. Your situation is not hopeless, I can say that for certain.

That's really the signature of Depression. It convinces you that everything is hopeless. It has you viewing negative experiences as being Personal, Permanent and Pervasive way more than is realistic. It's bullshit. It's a perspective created by Depression. By no means does it reflect an objective reality. Your situation is NOT hopeless. No matter how many times your brain says it is. It's not.

A good place for you to maybe start is earnestly answering n3ophy7e's questions because they are all important ones.

 

[Jabberwocky]

really sorry to hear what you've had to go through.

people have given great advice on therapy options. and they are certainly better than suicide- i have been having to relearn how to cope with suicidal urges recently and it is not easy but you can get through. i tend to break my time up when i feel like that into the smallest possible chunks, like just find somthing that takes 10 mins and promise i'll let myself consider it after that, then another 10 mins etc. guess its what people say about taking things one day at a time, but sometimes one minute at a time is much more acheivable.

i have 2 practical suggestions which may or may not be shit:

scars: go to an indian/chinese health shop and ask their advice, they have some good remedies and as a result a scar i got 4 years ago but treated looks a lot better than some decade old scars i have did after 4 years. also if they make you self conscious then there are really decent ways of covering them. i haven't tried them because actually, people don't tend to even notice my scars though to me they are v prominent. yours will prob be more noticeable just cos the wrists are generally more visible than the rest of the forearm.

work: i guess part of the problem is that you want to work with minors. can you use your qualifications to teach adults, maybe at night school etc? also, have you thought about tutoring? i signed up with an agency and they never did any crb type things. you couldn't make a full time living from it, though its well paid (i got >£20 per hour for AS level french tutoring) but it would be a start and could increase your confidence. and its the whole 'once you're working you're more employable business.' i do know teaching jobs seem to be a bugger to get- i know 3 teachers with no priors and they've all had to move cities to get a decent job, one spent over a year as a temp whilst looking for work. so a lot your difficulty finding a job isn't you, its the job market.

i hope you find yourself in a better place soon.

 

[moonyham]

As much as you may think people, parents, friends, whoever... would be better off without you, you are wrong. Your parents did not raise you and support you and help you out for over 30 years to have you go and waste your life with suicide. They want you to establish your own life, and be able to look after yourself. If you quit now, not only will they be devastated because they have lost there son, but because they know just like you do, that you could and will find a better place in life.

I want you to do one thing for me, which has helped me and others who have been over burdened with so much stress and failure that they feel they just want it all to end. Get a pen and paper and write down what it is that is your biggest problem. Find a solution to that, which im sure you can, and if you cant ask your parents or friends or even us at bluelight. Take all the steps required to fix that problem and your life will be drastically better. Nothing in life happens in an instant, and everything needs to be taken in steps to be accomplished.

 

[Missykins]

Ok, so you have no job and no money-welcome to >10% of the UK population.

You need to get outside of your own head. Since you are not working, have you considered donating your time to a worthy charity? You would be
surprised about how this is great way to build references. You could even end up with a job there. But I think that the mental health benefits of
getting out of the house and working with people who have it WORSE than you can help a great deal.

 

[Legerity]

Hey no need to blame yourself for whatever has happened or your current situation. I've not been through all the same things but I do know that often at a breaking point is when things can change completely and you can start to see everything differently than you ever have before. So it's not a continual decline there is a bottom and if you wait it through I do believe that in most cases things can improve in ways we never thought. At least that's been my experience. What you feel about the future does not necessary equal the future. Take care of yourself

 

[dhcdavid]

Hi n3ophy7e,

I know for sure my mum is sick of me still being at home but Im fairly sure she doesn't wish me dead.

They know of my first suicide attempt (in this current cycle.....a few months back) but I havent told them of my latest plans,

I also think you've hit the nail on the head of sever depression distorting thoughts in my head.... spot on my friend.

And I'm not currently seeing a psychologist. In all honesty apart from the dipshit psychiatrist I dealt with a few months ago (one appointment...all he wanted to do was fiddle around with my antidepressant meds.... seriously, just mere window dressing). I'm scared if Im totally honest with my GP they'll either cut me off all my pain meds and/or have me sectioned: two plans of action which do not appeal to me in all honesty.

Furthermore Im quite sure the fentanyl is most definitely contributing rather significantly but however insane this sounds, having flirted a few times with trying to cut my fent levels of late and being reminded of just how unbelievably harsh the withdrawals would be if I were to reduce my intake by any serious amounts....... and just as importantly being in an environment here at my folks' place where there would be ZERO sympathy or empathy for said withdrawals..... I just can't do it. Not here. No way.

Anyway, Im still around and know that suicide is not a feasible option and honestly thank you n3ophy7e, you Tude, you Syrax, you Chinup, you Moonyham, you Missykins and you Legerity.

Just being matter of fact, outside of BL I have no real friends: have moved around too much, been too unlucky, too much of a bad friend.....

I wouldn't still be here if it weren't for the kindness and love of folk such as you guys and gals who take time out to give me your advice and wisdom. God bless all of you.

David x

 

[dhcdavid]

Syrax,

Your post has given me great food for thought and I agree with all you've written.

Thankyou SO much for taking the time and effort to write such a perceptive, truthful and informative response to the problems I wrote about.

I do hope I get to heal. It would be real nice to live out the rest of my days in a very different (and brighter!) frame of mind than that which I have been used to for the last 15 or so years.

That would truly be miraculous and something of heaven on earth. Fingers crossed.

 

[dhcdavid]

Thanks for these thoughts Misykins and I did need reminding that there are plenty of other folk in the UK who are worse off than me but Im not sure right now that a dose of tough medicine is what I want or need but many thanks for the advice nonetheless.

For what it's worth, some years ago I tried working for a London charity called "Crisis At Christmas" (with homeless folk doing physical outreach work at nights on the streets around London Bridge for 15 nights one Christmas. I know for a fact that right now doing such tough work would probably, no actually definitely, not be conducive to any kind of mental or spiritual recovery even if any such charity would consider me in my current state...... whihc makes it something of a moot question.

Thanks again for the suggestion though.

 

[n3ophy7e]

And I'm not currently seeing a psychologist. In all honesty apart from the dipshit psychiatrist I dealt with a few months ago (one appointment...all he wanted to do was fiddle around with my antidepressant meds.... seriously, just mere window dressing). I'm scared if Im totally honest with my GP they'll either cut me off all my pain meds and/or have me sectioned: two plans of action which do not appeal to me in all honesty.

Hi David

I totally agree with your opinion on psychiatrists. I've seen a fair amount of psychologists in my time, who have been helpful to varying degrees, and I have seen ONE psychiatrist would was completely useless. He spent our whole appointment time lecturing me about completely irrelevant things and then whinging about his ex-wife, and just wanted to presribed me anything to get me out of his office. I left the appointments feeling angry and demotivated. Needless to say I didn't keep seeing him for very long.

Anyway, you don't have to be completely honest with your GP (some people might disagree with me on that though). You should definitely tell them the severity of your depression and that you're feeling desperate, but if you're worried about the repercussions of saying the word "suicidal", you could save that for when you're actually talking to a psychologist. I don't think a psychologist will have you sectioned if you mention that you've had suicidal thoughts. Perhaps if you say "I am going to kill myself tonight" they might do something about it. But I've told a few psychologists that I've had suicidal thoughts and being sectioned has never been on the cards. I do realise that we are in different countries so there might be different procedures for when people mention "suicidal". Also, as for the pain meds I honestly don't know if they'd cut off your script if you mentioned that you're suicidal...I can't see why they would do that though because it would obviously make your situation a LOT worse.

Regardless, I honestly think it would be a good idea for you to start having regular contact with a psychologist again, even if it's just going through the motions of it. It's totally up to you of course! But doing something is better than doing nothing, and you might get lucky and find a really good psych who you mesh really well with, then you can start doing some good work together.
Do you think it's something you might consider looking in to?

 

[serated]

I can not say I know the specific answer for you, but I'm sure there is a solution that will bring a much more comfortable life largely beyond the trauma you have experienced.

Some folks I've known have reported profound improvement through EMDR. Others dialectical behavior therapy. Something is going to work, life is seldom easy for any of us but resources,strengths, and opportunities tend to present themselves when we most need them. *** I am not actually a motivational speaker but I have played one on TV. ***

 

[piebald]

David- just face all of it and start over..it totally sucks..im 34, living in attic, in therapy, getting divorce, no savings, lost job, came back to the home town and people talk crap..but WHO CARES??. I broke down, told the truth, asked for help and went through hell, it totally sucks..BUT you know what?? i want to LIVE now.. i can do things without drugs! its awesome...please please please take the leap and just tell the truth and face it and do the work..you WILL come out the other side and when you do? its great

 

[herbavore]

Hi n3ophy7e,


Just being matter of fact, outside of BL I have no real friends
David x

Good thing we are real

Have you tried Mindfulness practice? Or EMDR? Both would be worth exploring. I'm so glad that you were brave enough to reach out, David. TDS is a life saver, life-enhancer, life perk for many of us.

 

[Dave]

Or EMDR?

Hey, that's my line!

David, I can't say much else that hasn't already been covered. In my experience, seeing a proper psychologist was the only thing that really helped in anything but the shortest term. And to re-iterate herbavore's suggestion: EMDR is probably your best bet, as it works by removing mental 'blocks' that are caused by traumatic events. Basically, after most normal events the mind is able to process the event away into memory; but for some people, traumatic events don't get processed and remain in the front of the mind, causing no end of havoc. EMDR can fix that.

Please don't hesitate to contact me via Private Message if you would like more information on EMDR, as well as my specific experience with it.

 

[herbavore]

@Dave--I know^ I wouldn't even know about it if not for you!

David, here is a post by Footscrazy from another thread that I thought you might also get something out of:

The best way I'd found to deal with memories, events, things, whatever - that hold an intense amount of anxiety, is by disassociating them with anxiety. This is actually easier than it sounds. If you've never meditated before, start now After 20 minutes of meditation, when your breathing is slow and you're feeling relaxed, bring in the traumatic thought. The first few times, you're likely to get anxious as fuck - that's normal. When you get anxious, stop the exercise and go on about your day as usual. Do this every day for as long as it takes for your brain to start associating the thought not with anxiety, but with calmness.

Extremely emotional events are always more salient in our memory that other ones. Think about driving to work and seeing a horrible car crash - you're going to remember this drive to work, but none of the usual, boring run of the mill drives to work. It's because of the emotional impact of seeing something terrible like that. It becomes like a short circuit in your brain where the memory and the feeling are so tightly linked you can't have one without the other, and your brain places a lot of importance on emotional intensity, so it'll keep reminding you of it. The meditation trick I explained above is a really useful way to break that link. It has worked wonders for me in the past, for really deep set and life altering anxieties I held for years.

much

 

[dhcdavid]

Good thing we are real

Yes it is, indeed it is.

Thanks for your help; I'll look into Mindfulness practice and EMDR.

 

[soundsystem00]

David, the reason you haven't gone through with your fentanyl plan is because you actually don't want to die.

Although life can throw you a lot of unfair obstacles, there are moments that make it all worth it.

 

[dhcdavid]

EMDR is probably your best bet, as it works by removing mental 'blocks' that are caused by traumatic events. Basically, after most normal events the mind is able to process the event away into memory; but for some people, traumatic events don't get processed and remain in the front of the mind, causing no end of havoc. EMDR can fix that.

Hey Dave, many tthanks for your explanation of EMDR: I will sure try to find myself a proper psychologist to sort all this stuff out with. Many thanks again for your advice and counsel.