so upset

[IDied]

I'm losing the love of my life and my daughter due to a heroin addiction thatiI just went to get help for today through methadone maintenance.I'm so upset so confused and literally balling my eyes out thinking about she's leaving me because I'm a fuckin asshole! I fuckin hate my life so much and hate myself so much! I honestly feel like there isn't nothing left in the world for me.I shouldn't have let this get this out of control! I can't believe this is happening to me I have had such a hard life so many bad things happen to me growing up it makes me question wether there is a god or not! I'm balling my eyes out I'm so sad I don't know what to do.I have no friends at all.barely any family.she's my best friend and only friend

 

[herbavore]

I am so sorry. Keep doing what you are doing for your addiction. Will you be starting methadone soon or have you already started? Remember, there is no benefit to beating up on yourself for past decisions. Get strong, get healthy and your life will come back together. Any damage that has been done to your relationships can be mended even if the relationship changes from what it once was. Stay in contact with your daughter above all else. Even if you cannot see her as much, write to her or call frequently. You have much to live for even if it is obscured from you right now. You need support and you need acceptance--both from the outside and the inside. The upcoming holidays can be hell when everything in life is falling apart so I urge you to get support anywhere you can.

 

[Stargazer]

Hey...IDied....ssssh. Try to get your breathing normal. Deep breaths...just breathe. It all feels so overwhelming and suffocating while it's happening. And the inevitable "how did I let this get this bad?" Have I got a story for you. And you are doing something about it...you're starting on methadone. Good job!! I have been right there.....crying my eyes out driving to and from the clinic.

Fast forward- I ended up using IV Heroin, and losing everything. I mean everything. My house burnt down, and I got handcuffed watching it...and put in jail. And lost a substantial amount of money...I am starting my life from zero right now. I'm ok!!! I feel hopeful....but I'm not some smiling idiot at all times. Of course I have bad days....as herbivore said stop beating yourself up...I mean right now. There's no use for that.

Many of here at BL completely understand and have felt the same feelings you're feeling....and we're still here to talk about it. Sometimes with shaky legs, shaky voices...but still showing up for life. You are at the beginning....of course you're shaky. I'm sending you a hug. It will be ok. Keep reaching out, and take every hand that is offered to you for support. PM me anytime.

 

[IDied]

I really appreciate it I do kick my own aSs a lot and I'm very hard on myself just sometimes I feel lonely even though I do have people around but it's not a support system my daughter's mother is fed up with the drug use she doesn't understand because she's never used drugs.but I'm defo trying and will 100% be on methadone.I jus hope all this bad stuff that's happened my whole life will lead into something great later

 

[Tanner Blaze]

I would avoid methadone and maybe try subxone instead? just don't blame yourself life can be hard sometimes.

 

[manboychef]

You can do this my friend! You are already making some positive changes. Don't get sober for her or your child. Get sober for you. Your family can be a part of it, and part of the reason, but really this is about healing yourself.

I would suggest writing the things that happened down in a journal and then working on stopping thinking about them. I have ahard time dwelling on things as well. It causes me to miss out on what is really happening. Writing the feelings down in a journal allows me to see them on paper and really put them away when I put the journal away.

Have you tried talk therapy? It has been extremely helpful in my recovery. A lot of bad things happened to me as well, but in order to stop them from happening more I have had to move on from them. Constantly thinking about them kept me messed up. I also choose to not think too much about what is going to happen. I just need to have faith that if I make small changes in the right direction today, good things will happen.

 

[My3sons]

I am in the exact same place as you my friend. Today is day one of mmt for me. I am divorced but very much regret walking out 4 1/2 yrs ago. My brother had just died of an overdose and i was unhappy and made some rash decisions that put my life on a crash course straight to the depths of hell. I rebounded right after i left with a man with so many problems that i allowed myself to walk to hell with him. I dont blame him and own my own sh*t. Since then he was murdered 2 1/2 yrs ago by getting beaten to death while copping. I git clean, lost my health insurance (was on subs) and relaped 2 yrs ago. Since then blew all of my money, shamed and humiliated myself and am not allowed to be alone with my own children right now. Over the past two years i hid my H problem, continued to work, kids were excelling in school and sports, never missed a beat, never neglected any Iif my responsibilities. However, i just couldn't stop bc i couldnt affird to get caught or lose my job bc i was sick. The ex asked for a hair test obviously i couldnt provide and the dreadful day of being caught arrived. I feel si guilty and like such a piece of garbage that jyst breathing is unbearable. I got into the clinic today, have to prove myself and will then be able to be with my kids again. They dont understand and i feel horrible. I am a very high funtioning addict and had everybody fooled. So for them they dont see me as a bad mom. I never even missed a snack! Therefore they dont understand why they cant be with me. So seeing that we are both at the beginning and have no one maybe we can check in with each other? And try to support each other on our new road to happiness and H free living through mmt.

 

[IDied]

So sorry my3sons! Right now I'm about two days in cold turkey from a gram a day and just using clonidine.I've exhausted all my resources and I'm not working atm.and the mmt here in my state is going to take up to a week or two to get in.my girlfriend said either stop or in packing up and leaving you.so I'm doing my best not to use and I haven't since Monday night.I hope your situation improves my3 and everyone else that's posted.feel free to keep in contact!

 

[deadendgame]

hey it's okay man. it's not your fault. it's the heroin's fault. heroin is a hard drug to quit. i was addicted to crystal meth. at least for heroin, they have suboxone. go to the addiction clinic and get help. if your family sees that you are trying to get help they might let you back in. I'm losing my family too, but I'm trying to show them I'm trying to get help. it's okay, it's not the end of the world. you're better than you think you are. I hope you go to the addiction clinic and get help. when you get out of it, I wish you a happy and productive live. and I hope you get your family back. Us drug addicts are not bad guys. we're just slaves to these drugs. if it makes you feel any better, I'm here for you. you can message me anytime.

 

[IDied]

Sorry for the delayed response.ive been trying to keep myself busy.i finally got my intake at the Methadone clinic and start at 7:30 Friday! And on the suboxen subject all of the doctors that do prescribe it are all full here in Connecticut and the ones that aren't I'd have to pay and to be honest I cannot afford it.i am on state insurance and have been the past two years and MMT for me is free on the insurance I have.i here good things and bad things about methadone but I think it's the best option for me.ive done lots of reading about it.plus it's going to get me out of the house my heroin addiction makes me not want to do anything besides lay around waiting for my next fix.i have been in talk therapy and it did help a lot I was seeing a lady for about 6 months and was very comfortable with her and then one day she left the place I was going to be a work in another office so I just stopped.i know everything is going to work out for me either way!