It's been awile since i posted anything in blogs as i have had alot of shit to deal with but for some reason i felt like doing so today 
I somehow made it through the worst winter of my life and the most depressed time of my life. I can honestly say that i have never felt as hopeless and utterly lost as i did up until a few weeks ago. I have always seen a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how bleak things where but during this past year and especially the winter i could not see any reason for going on besides just for the sake of it. I have never felt as utterly hopeless as i did this past year and January and February where especially bad. I was in such a state of depression that i often just spent my entire day dazed out on morphine, dilaudid, clonazepam and Cannabis until it was late enough to take my seroquel and crash out. I was just living day by day with my only goal being to get through till the next day without killing myself. Rarely a day went by when i didn't think about ending it all.
On top of this i also had horrible stomach pain to deal with. I dropped from about 175lbs the Christmas before last to about 150lbs last summer. I couldn't eat without being in pain so i often just didn't eat. Either that or i would take a huge shot of dilaudid or morphine, smoke some Cannabis and take some Buscopan if i had it before i ate in the hopes of stopping the crippling pain before it started. I often woke up with horrible stomach cramps as well so i was actually afraid to go to sleep for awile. I literally couldn't do anything when the pain hit me so i would lay around in bed all day thinking about how shitty my life was. It wasn't hard to come up with reasons to off myself that's for sure![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
However i am happy to say that during the past week or so i have been pain free and happy . In fact i can honestly say this is the longest time i have gone without being depressed or in pain for over a year. Hopefully it will keep up and if it does this will be a good summer much unlike the last one 8) . My psych meds seem to be working now that i am not doubled over in pain all day and the morphine and gabapentin have been helping the trigeminal neuralgia and i haven't had a bad attack of it in about 6 months. Well it's mostly the morphine as i think the only thing gabapentin did was help my restless leg syndrome and make me addicted to gabapentin
My friends have been a lifesaver literally in getting me through this rough time. Without them i doubt i would have made it. On atleast one occasion i would have certainly have killed myself if not for the fact that a really good friend talked me out of it. I guess some people are good at making me see light no matter how dark it may be. Since the friends on BL that i have know who they are there is no reason to name them. The ones not on BL know how grateful i am to them without saying.
I somehow made it through the worst winter of my life and the most depressed time of my life. I can honestly say that i have never felt as hopeless and utterly lost as i did up until a few weeks ago. I have always seen a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how bleak things where but during this past year and especially the winter i could not see any reason for going on besides just for the sake of it. I have never felt as utterly hopeless as i did this past year and January and February where especially bad. I was in such a state of depression that i often just spent my entire day dazed out on morphine, dilaudid, clonazepam and Cannabis until it was late enough to take my seroquel and crash out. I was just living day by day with my only goal being to get through till the next day without killing myself. Rarely a day went by when i didn't think about ending it all.
On top of this i also had horrible stomach pain to deal with. I dropped from about 175lbs the Christmas before last to about 150lbs last summer. I couldn't eat without being in pain so i often just didn't eat. Either that or i would take a huge shot of dilaudid or morphine, smoke some Cannabis and take some Buscopan if i had it before i ate in the hopes of stopping the crippling pain before it started. I often woke up with horrible stomach cramps as well so i was actually afraid to go to sleep for awile. I literally couldn't do anything when the pain hit me so i would lay around in bed all day thinking about how shitty my life was. It wasn't hard to come up with reasons to off myself that's for sure
However i am happy to say that during the past week or so i have been pain free and happy
. In fact i can honestly say this is the longest time i have gone without being depressed or in pain for over a year. Hopefully it will keep up and if it does this will be a good summer much unlike the last one 8) . My psych meds seem to be working now that i am not doubled over in pain all day and the morphine and gabapentin have been helping the trigeminal neuralgia and i haven't had a bad attack of it in about 6 months. Well it's mostly the morphine as i think the only thing gabapentin did was help my restless leg syndrome and make me addicted to gabapentinMy friends have been a lifesaver literally in getting me through this rough time. Without them i doubt i would have made it. On atleast one occasion i would have certainly have killed myself if not for the fact that a really good friend talked me out of it. I guess some people are good at making me see light no matter how dark it may be. Since the friends on BL that i have know who they are there is no reason to name them. The ones not on BL know how grateful i am to them without saying.
