i think i've made my mind up to move up-state, idk exactly when but i'm sure that i'd like to go. i visited my girl on the fourth of july, and it was awesome. granted, i'd have to quit my two jobs, but i'm so fucking stagnant here that i can't stand it. all i do is work, and i have nothing to show for any of it, no milestones have been met, no car and no apartment bought. this place is just fucking shitty man, and since i'm 82 days sober, i can no longer drown the fact that i hate where i live, and i hate living with my mom and little sister. granted, i'm going to miss my little sister, but i'm going to just tell myself that it'll be better for her to not have to live with me, as we're constantly tearing eachother apart. i like my jobs, i like not having to pay bills, but i've felt like i'm in a timewarp since i came home last september cause nothing ever fucking changes here. small town, midwestern cornfield life is killing me, and after staying in denver last year, i don't think i can do this whole rural thing anymore. there's no bodies of water, no elevation or hills, no culture, nothing. hopefully upstate i can find good NA meetings, and i'm going to find a job (at least one) before i move up there, because i'm never going to move again without having previously lined up some work for myself. as far as the meetings go, i've been going to my home group twice a week, but i skipped out today because my (mom's) house is trashed, and my sister called me out with the whole "what is wrong with you" card when i told her i was going to a meeting. so, here i am blogging instead of actually talking this shit out with people, but fuck it. it would be great to go for a run or a bike ride tonight, but my leg is sore for some reason and i don't have a bike, i might end up going for a walk, idk. i just don't want to be in this house anymore, bottom line.
so stagnant.
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Your "purple cloud" is fading, which can be a dangerous time. As can that feeling of "treading water" financially. You need to see continued progress at things other than your sober/clean time if you are to stay motivated and entertained with what is in your life. It sounds like your options where you are have been limited by your work and your familial situation. To add, being around the same people, places and things that you were around when you were using creates an anxiety even if you're resolute to stay clean, as you're not necessarily triggered to use again, but you're always being reminded of bad memories from your time using. I can relate to pretty much everything here. It's not easy at all, and I honestly give you lots of credit for not going postal yet.
Moving, if an option, is a great way to extend purple cloud time, though. You'll be overwhelmed and busy, sure, but in a better way than you are now. And it sounds like your spiritual component is one that is connected with nature, so it makes sense that you need to be nearer to that if you want to keep your mind, body and spirit in good balance/harmony. The only danger with moving is that new locations can mean new temptations, as new people have different drugs that they use. And some of us (who have done it before), get a rush when going to a new place because trying to find drugs there is like playing a game. It sounds like you're pretty into the AA/NA community, though, so I'd use this as a place to immediately go to make your first friends. Check and see if they have any young-people meetings in the area.
Moving, if an option, is a great way to extend purple cloud time, though. You'll be overwhelmed and busy, sure, but in a better way than you are now. And it sounds like your spiritual component is one that is connected with nature, so it makes sense that you need to be nearer to that if you want to keep your mind, body and spirit in good balance/harmony. The only danger with moving is that new locations can mean new temptations, as new people have different drugs that they use. And some of us (who have done it before), get a rush when going to a new place because trying to find drugs there is like playing a game. It sounds like you're pretty into the AA/NA community, though, so I'd use this as a place to immediately go to make your first friends. Check and see if they have any young-people meetings in the area.
haha, i got the rush from the game when i moved out to Denver last year, although it was a shameful rush indeed.. isn't there a point though, where extending purple cloud time turns into running away from problems? blahhhh
Your first long streak of clean time is such a hard thing to accomplish in and of itself that if it means delaying the tackling of your biggest problems (especially the ones within yourself), this is okay. I know that in my first few months, there were some topics that I just considered to be "behind my wall." And trying to deal with these too soon could have led me back to self-medicating because that was the knee-jerk reaction I still had for when I got extremely upset. But I found that through dealing with normal everyday extrenal-to-myself problems (financial stress, social letdowns, opposite-sex issues, etc) without resorting to using, I developed a sense of what productive things I can do when I get worked up. And once I found myself not really thinking about getting high every time I got upset, I felt like I was ready to start working on the bigger stuff. Don't get me wrong, it is not easy at all. Fuck no do I want to take those problems head-on. But I have to.
In terms of physical running, the way I see it is that changing locations often actually works very well as a filter for the problems you know that you need to fix, filtering out those which will unnecessarily take up your time and really have nothing to do with long-term peace and serenity. The common denominator of everywhere you go is you, so things that seem to go wrong or cause you emotional pain everywhere you are, well those are the things that you have no choice but to fix if you ever want to find happiness.
In terms of physical running, the way I see it is that changing locations often actually works very well as a filter for the problems you know that you need to fix, filtering out those which will unnecessarily take up your time and really have nothing to do with long-term peace and serenity. The common denominator of everywhere you go is you, so things that seem to go wrong or cause you emotional pain everywhere you are, well those are the things that you have no choice but to fix if you ever want to find happiness.