So sick of my miserable existence..

[Neeoon23]

I don't know what to do anymore, the mess I've made out of my life seems completely unfixable. I'm almost 25, have a six year old that is now so used to living with my mom she doesn't even seem to be missing me, and I have been totally unsuccessful at quitting heroin since my first rehab five years ago. I was doing fine until my doctor decided he didn't want to be giving me methadone ilegally anymore. That was about two months ago and since then I started shooting dope again and got kicked out of my mom's house. I'm now living with my boyfriend at his parents house, trying to figure out how I'm going to stop getting high. Right now I am completely broke so I'm withdrawaling, I don't feel TOO bad, thankfully, but getting high is literally all I think about. I just don't know what it's going to take for me to stop. I lost my daughter, job, home, brand new car, sold everything I own, and stoke from family. My family hates me, my mom and sister went from being my best friends to total strangers. I hate living like this but the high is too good to want to stop. I lost all of my best friends because they don't like to associate with low lives such as myself. I realize that I am a horrible parent and my daughter is better off without me, but I miss her so much, it's killing me. The only way to avoid the pain is to get so incredibly high that I just forget about everything.

If I thought for a second that another stay in a shitty, useless 12 step rehab would do me any good, I would be there in a heartbeat. I've heard everything they have to offer and applied it to my life even after completing the program. I always relapse, so what's the point? I believe what I really need is an inpatient facility where I could get one on one counseling, to help me figure out why I can't stop, and why I started in the first place. But, since I have absolutely no money or insurance that isn't an option.

I really don't even know why I'm posting this... For some kind of support, I suppose. I am also curious whether people think that my issue is simply a lack if willpower or something else? Any support would be appreciated.

 

[twato]

Have you tried subutex (buprenorphine)? It could help a lot, because you simply can't get high anymore when on as small a dose as 8mg. It's also far less strictly controlled in comparison to methadone, and if you don't use it for years, tapering off is very doable.

I nearly fell to rock bottom myself, so for what it's worth, I know the feelings you're going through only too well, and I can sympathize. Also, it's not a question of willpower alone, opiate addiction is widely recognised as a disease these days, if you want to, you can get the help to help yourself up again.

Maybe try another NA group, a different rehab place or go to a doc who prescribes subutex. NA meetings and rehabs often only have the name in common, the people and methods vary between each single organisation. You may have had shitty results until now, but that's no reason for giving up. Somebody will be able and willing to help, but the necessary searching must come from you, and only you. Do this for purely egotistical reasons; your BF (does he use too, btw?), family and even your daughter must sit in the back of this bus.

Also, at 25, you still have loads of time, so rest assured that it's not "too late". I know it might seem like that right now, but I've seen loads of people nearly twice your age quitting, or at least getting maintained and stable. It's doable, I've seen it done, am doing it myself right now (subutex taper, miracle drug imo), so you can do it as well. You just need to keep trying, there's something out there that'll work for you. Now go and find it!

 

[AstrangeBrew]

I dont know where you live but you can always do a salvation army rehab. A lot of my friends have done them. Theyre typically a 6 month place. And best of all, theyre free. You do have to work for them though at one of their stores in exchange for food and rent.