First off, I'm very sorry for your loss it must be very difficult to handle. I can empathize however I don't know what you are going through. That said, taking benzo's the way you're describing WILL ruin your life. I have seen it myself. Ever witnessed a seizure? It's horrifying, especially when you're close to that person and you can't help them. Ever have a seizure, apparently that end is worse. That is what you have to look forward to if you play with that devil. I watch it happen to quite a few friends/acquaintances daily, all day spent looking for a fix. No real life. Just searching, getting, taking and then slurring and unintelligible. It's a sad thing to watch. Guess who will get to watch it first hand, your grieving parents. They just lost a child tragically and they are no doubt running through scenarios of what they could've done differently. I am a parent and I can tell you they are having trouble not blaming themselves. So here's where I'm going to be straight up real. Don't be so damn selfish, it's awful that your brother died but are you really that self centered that the only person's pain you're concerned with is your own? You're really okay with your parents watching you slowly kill yourself after losing one child? Be with your family, use this as a way to help each other be strong because that's what family is about. No one will care about you as much as them. When it comes to bailing you out of jail or even visiting you to keep your spirits up who do you think will do those things? I know for a fact that my parents were the only ones doing those for me and I put them through hell. They just waited for me to die. I've been sober since Nov 3rd 2011 and looking back I can't ever take back what I did and that guilt will never leave. I was awful to them and they were the only ones at the end of the day who still loved me and were behind me. All the while wondering when the day would come when they would get a knock at the door from the police saying I was found dead somewhere. If you listen to any advice heed this, please spare them if not yourself. There are other ways to disperse your pain, anyone can be a drunk or a junkie. Try being something great, channel your pain into beautiful sorrowful artwork, or poetry or whatever hobby you might enjoy. Do not start down this path because it only leads one place and that's a fact point blank. Fear that place.