So many regrets from benzo use

[Apollo16]

I experimented heavily with xanax and klonopin from december last year, to may this year. I don't want to go into detail, but suffice to say that I made an idiot of myself countless times, burned bridges with old friends and family members, and now have a whole laundry list of people I'm avoiding, and a much smaller bank account from buying benzos. I realised I was going in way too deep, and managed to quit before any major harm was done to my life, but looking back I feel so much shame, so much regret, so much guilt, so much anger at myself for doing the things I did. Anyone else embarass themselves repeadley on benzos?

 

[herbavore]

My late son did it every time he took benzos. He used to say that benzos erased his morals and disintegrated any filters he would normally have. But you are alive and as long as you have breath in your body you have the present moment available to you to change and grow and right wrongs and forgive yourself. Try to explore remorse as a concept in place of shame. Remorse takes responsibility and moves you forward; guilt and shame place blame and hold you down forever reliving the past. Don't be any harsher on yourself than you would be on a remorseful friend or loved one that asked for forgiveness. People are often much more forgiving than we give them credit for while we are awash in our own self-judgment. Try writing out your feelings now and maybe consider a written apology to those you feel you harmed. You will feel better. In the meantime, I think you should feel very confident and proud that you overcame something so destructive and unhealthy for your life. That must have taken some serious effort!

 

[yodermstr]

you're not alone, I did some really awful stuff to people who only wanted what's best for me including cursing out my mom which isn't bad for some kids but I can't move on from a lot of the stuff I did. I can't remember anything from my 4 month Xanax binge other than all the awful shit I did, it's even worse to do something so humiliating and have no memory of it though

 

[alexvolume2]

*raises hand* I did and said a lot of shit that I regret while taking lots of clonazepam and pregabalin, just look at my post history on BL. I made an ass of myself and made my ex stop talking to me, which would've eventually happened, but it didn't have to end as badly as it did.

I don't regret all of it. The benzos allowed me to be completely uninhibited while I was living in Mexico and there were both good and bad results. I was able to do things I never thought I could, negative and positive. I was able to talk to anybody and get laid, but I also acted like a complete loon.

I was taking high doses for about 5 months and due to the disinhibition and hypomania they caused made my family in Mexico, whom I was just getting to know on a personal level, think that I'm crazy. I guess I am.

In my defense, my grandfather had just died and I was in a country's foreign to me learning Spanish and the freedom of mind they allowed me was invaluable, but I do regret certain things

Point being, you're not the only one. The shame and get you very far although I understand why you feel that way. The important thing is to put your best foot forward and try to fix the damage. Best of luck, friend. Stay well.

 

[Mpivko2]

I'm going through the same thing. Trying to taper off my Xanax now and it's basically a living hell because I've combined it with adderal abuse as well. My entire summer was a fog I almost lost my job, lost all my friends, ended up naked in like michigan in the middle of the night after taking 10 bars and even started shoplifting just to get a rush. If I knew then what I know now about bentzos I wouldn't have ever put a single Xanax in my mouth. My boyfriend who is going through the same thing left me as well and pretty much everyone in my life thinks I'm a crazy drug addict. I don't know of any other prescription medication or illegal drug that has ruined so many lives.

 

[Apollo16]

My late son did it every time he took benzos. He used to say that benzos erased his morals and disintegrated any filters he would normally have. But you are alive and as long as you have breath in your body you have the present moment available to you to change and grow and right wrongs and forgive yourself. Try to explore remorse as a concept in place of shame. Remorse takes responsibility and moves you forward; guilt and shame place blame and hold you down forever reliving the past. Don't be any harsher on yourself than you would be on a remorseful friend or loved one that asked for forgiveness. People are often much more forgiving than we give them credit for while we are awash in our own self-judgment. Try writing out your feelings now and maybe consider a written apology to those you feel you harmed. You will feel better. In the meantime, I think you should feel very confident and proud that you overcame something so destructive and unhealthy for your life. That must have taken some serious effort!

Thanks for the kind words friend. I definitely feel proud of having given up the demonic force that was my benzo habit. I have made massive strides in my life since that dark period of benzo abuse, and I feel that (very slowly), time is healing. Something that gives me solace is realizing that I was able to escape the benzos before my life was completely consumed.

 

[Apollo16]

I'm going through the same thing. Trying to taper off my Xanax now and it's basically a living hell because I've combined it with adderal abuse as well. My entire summer was a fog I almost lost my job, lost all my friends, ended up naked in like michigan in the middle of the night after taking 10 bars and even started shoplifting just to get a rush. If I knew then what I know now about bentzos I wouldn't have ever put a single Xanax in my mouth. My boyfriend who is going through the same thing left me as well and pretty much everyone in my life thinks I'm a crazy drug addict. I don't know of any other prescription medication or illegal drug that has ruined so many lives.

It is is juist awful being a benzo user, thinking back, I knew that they had near zero recreational value, but still took them to get fucked up, which makes me feel nauseous with guilt. I can absolutely relate to everyone thinking of you as a hardcore drug addict. I burned bridges with my entire fathers side of my extended family, all because of taking a massive dose of klonopin and beer, and turning up at my uncles house a stumbling, slurring, shit talking, moping mess. I lost life long friends due to the things I did around them, and the things I said. I almost punched my own father for no real reason. That is just scraping the surface of my reckless behaviour. I do think that I have come out of that dreadful part of my life as a stronger person though. I look back on the person I was at the start of 2015, and I feel absolitely amazed at how far I have come.

 

[Saint Alprazolam]

I wrecked my truck seven times. Stole from family and friends. They are a masked devil

 

[Jonnyboy369]

I crave benzos everyday. I no longer use them or anything else. The most embarrassing and dangerous thing I did was lose 2 jobs in a month to pills. I started with etizolam and ended with clonazolam. Yes, it had practically no recreational value, and the last time I used it I took 50 mg and fell down some stairs, a slurring fucked up mess. My apt. was filthy, and coming off it was the most nightmare shit I ever felt. Electric current running through me, my jaw constantly moving tics, insomnia, I had a seizure, and like you guys said above I only remember the bad from the whole time. The etizolam worked amazing at first, it didn't take me two weeks though to skyrocket my tolerance so high it was useless. I did the same with clonazolam which is a crazy potent benzo, it was stronger than alprazolam which says alot. Anyway, I don't see what fun I had in taking them there is no euphoria at all after your addicted at first yes but later no. I would just binge on them , and usually pass out sitting upright on the couch. I hate craving them still, I'm hoping in time it goes away.

 

[thelung]

I've done my fair share of really dumb shit while on benzos, prescribed or not, and I have quite a few regrets. Over the years I was able to get myself stable on a very low dose of Klonopin (0.5mg/day). I never take more than one a day. Believe me, there are times when I just wish I could take 10mg and just straight relax all day, but I know I can't do that. Life is about choices, and from what it sounds like, you've made a great choice to stop taking benzos all together. I can't tell you how much I respect you for that. I haven't been able to completely stop taking them, but I stick to my prescribed dose and don't differ from that. Anyway, keep up the good work and great job on getting clean from the benzos :D

 

[blueshoe]

It's CRAZY to me that Doctors prescribe them so readily when there are countless problems with them. It's way worse than the dangers of things like MDMA, mushrooms, weed, and those things are illegal. Messed up world.

 

[Moreaux]

Apollo16 - try not to dwell on all the bad things you did under the influence. I know that sounds dismissive and trite, though that's not my intention. If you focus on those things it will hinder your progress moving forward. I know because I've done horrible things under the influence of benzos and booze. I've been arrested, gotten a DUI, put my loved ones through pure hell both mentally and physically, lost several jobs, attempted suicide several times, cut myself to shreds with kitchen knives - so bad I no longer wear short sleeves in public, and OD'd around twenty times. I would give anything to undo the damage I caused. Dwelling on my past actions makes me no longer want to live sometimes. The only thing I can do is move forward and make sure I never use again. What also helps me deal with the guilt is to acknowledge I was very sick. I was heavily addicted, and did those things under the influence. Not an excuse, but a reality. I would not have done those things sober, and I was incapable of getting sober on my own - it took a team of people to pull me out of that cycle, and several years of hard work. Use the shame and guilt you feel to ensure your sobriety. If you ever feel like taking a benzo, soberly consider how the effect you and make you act, and ask yourself if that is a risk you are willing to take. Regard it as a learning experience. I wish you the best!