so I'm ready to die

[lostinthevoid]

This isnt like one of those "oh wow life is so shit at the moment i want it to be over" type scenarios, I actually have really tried. I've just turned 23 and since about 17 - 18 ive been battleing depression, ive had a few psychotic breaks here and there nothing too major and well all the acid ive done over the years has left me with some pretty serious and debilitating hppd, but besides that i still marched on. Every year it just got that little bit harder to live, but i didnt hate life, didnt really enjoy it that much either althought it wasnt at all very bad.

When it did get bad id think about how things would be better in the future or id seek help (medical and friendship/family) over time it just felt like that flame that id come so well to know within myself was finally out of fuel.

SO here I am im at the end of the road and althought i wished this day wouldnt come, its here, its not like i havnt tried and people generally see me as an upbeat kind of a guy, im just sick of the pain (physical and mental) and feeling like im stuck all the time also bouncing from one med to the other with no sucess really wares you down over time not to mention the protracted benzo withdrawel sheesh and theres no lack of psychological support trust me.

Ive decided that I will overdose with heroin, ill probabbly buy a 1.7 and shoot it up with a plastic bag over my head just to be sure, its fucken sad, i know but what can ya do? i just feel like theres nowhere else i can go, ive pretty much dedicated my life to getting better only to see myself get worse and the saddest shit is when i try to be healthier and cut all the dodgy crap out of my life i end up getting sicker, even tried the exercise route and that didnt end well (burning nerves and shit fucking benzos).

I guess it sucks for my family too, its not like i dont think about what this will do to them, ive actually for the most part stayed alive for them to look after and care for one of them and be a top student at uni to please the other, im an only child so i know that this will devestate them, the thing is my old lady is on her last legs and my old man has his own life now. I really wish there were some kind of brain fixing machine and i really think my life would have been different if i hadnt discovered drugs, i would probabbly be a happy functioning human being, but this is the reality and i cant take back what ive done to myself i can only free myself from my own prison i feel like ive done my time.

I guess im also a spiritual kind of dude so its not like i havent thought out the actions or consequences of them, but i think ive learned this lesson in life, im ready to intergrate into infinity its really strange but i actually feel at peace with this decision.

so this is it, ive exhausted myself of all options and im considering leaving here for now anyway, also the idea of not feeling anything doesnt bother me too much, I overdosed on heroin a few weeks ago and there was nothing, it was absolutly wonderful that rush and then nothing... who can say heroin overdose is a tradgey its got to be the absolute most awsome way to die pure bliss then nothing, i really wish i wasnt revived because apparently i was dead as a doornail anyway enough of this rant id like to hear your replies and spare me the religious bullshit and ohhh ahhhh call 1800 suicide get fucked i know alot of you have also been in my situation maybee you still are id like to hear from you also

 

[MindOverMethadone]

I just want to say that my best friend committed suicide a couple months ago and I haven't stopped crying since. It was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I read an interesting article about some lady who wrote a correlation between depression and why she thinks God makes us all go through it. You said not to post religion bullshit but this is how I see it; What if hell is real? What if Christians got it right? How would you feel if you knew your mom was to suffer for eternity?

My friend texted me the night before he did what he did and I didn't reply 'cause I was out busy partying. I will never forgive myself for that. Ever. In fact I will never forgive him either. Suicide is the easy way out. I've lost and lost and lost but that's life. You lose and you gain then you lose again, but if everyone offed themselves when times were hard, nobody would be around. Can you imagine one of your loved ones doing what you're thinking about doing?

I've had the same thoughts as you, except I was never put on anti-depressants. I tried to fill my life with things that made me happy. Whether that it was pills, weed, girls, my friends, video games, music, movies. There is so much that life has to offer. And there is so much that you have to offer to those around you. I don't know, but I love you, no homo. We're all brothers in a fight against this cruel cruel world. You sound like you are one hell of a guy, academic, considerate. I'm an only child too, just turned 23 in December, and I wish I was younger so that I can do it all over again. You are in your prime. Think about it this way; Where would you rather be? Where you are now or in some third world country scrounging through garbage to just scavenge your meal for the day?

If you want to talk about it, just keep posting. I'll keep replying.

 

[lostinthevoid]

^Thanks for the post, the problem is i dont know if this problem is temp, thats the shit thing. i know people get over depression, but i feel like ive fucken fried my brain, the only thing that made me feel normal was benzos, hell i got that monkey off my back after a couple of years improved somwhat went the healthy route (like im talkimg fucking mungbeans and hippyjuice) went on a paleolithic diet which is actually ment to be great for you and just ended up getting worse over time even when i switched back to normal foods and the odd drink things just started to deteriorate. I dont beleive the christians got it right, reincarnation used to be in the bible you know that is untill hordes of people jumped off cliffs in an attempt to be reborn into better circumstances (true shit)

Anti depressents never did anything for me and like you i tried to fill my life with happy things, changed my atmospheres, fuck me its like ive tried everything in the book, dude i wish i was younger too so i could do it all again only this time instead of smoking weed id go to the park and bathe in the sun, maybee throw a frisbee around with the dog or go for a swim at the beach anything but drugs.

I guess whats really beaten me down is that im always there for people, like fuck, im the one whos battleing to stay alive, but im always there to reassure other people, i guess you could say im "that guy" people do like me and i will be the life of a party, i just cant do it anymore, i know im fortunate where i am now but it dosent change the fact im in constant dibilitating pain, i think of it this way, if somone who is termanally ill, or paralytic, they can go to switzerland to terminate their life, they can do this because its phsyically obvious that these people are beyond suffering and they are given the option of a humane death, they truely get controll of their lives, but you take me, healthy looking guy all limbs working, but nothing can be seen to be wrong, it must be mental this person suffers, numbness in nearly all of his body, pain in his limbs, insomnia or periods of heavy sleep, constant hallucinations (petterning on shit the pink elephants never got to me), constant hallucinations, burning in the eyes, tight ligaments and constant cramps. yes i suffer all of that shit and i have for a number of years. Yes ive seen every specialist under the sun, no there is nothing wrong with me (so it seems).

so i accept that maybee its my head fucking with me maybee a psychologist will help you think? oh no no you have to give it a year or two at least well ive given it about 4 still no joy, there aint no happy days for this soul.

I dont think suicide is the easy way out and it sure as hell isnt an easy decision to make, fuck me uve got to have courage to make this step and you gotta get fucking desperate to get to this place. I can imagine one of my loved ones thinking of doing what im going to do and i know that if they were suffering like me wow i would be so releived for them if they took their own life, yes i would miss them but i also would be greatfull that they are no longer suffering.


I kinda see this decision as euthenasia only i cant do it legally because it appears as though nothing is wrong, i actually read an atricle of a quadraplegic 19 year old man who recently went to switzerland to have assisted euthenasia, there are mant quadraplegics and paraplegics who still live very happy leading lives so what gave this person the right to kill themselfs? choice, if they beleive that the things that debilitate them are simply to much to bare then they are able to choose this option but if a person like me who trys really fucken hard but suffers so so so much wants to take the out i should be faced with fire and brimstone or judgement from family and friends, that really sucks

 

[clementines_ghost]

So, what if suicide were physically impossible? Like, if the world and our bodies and spirits were set up so that it was a physical and spiritual impossibility to end your own life? Then what would you do?

edited to add: I'm not being flippant AT ALL. It's a serious question.

 

[EAGERBEEZ]

hey man,
I know what it's like to be the one whose always there for others, but is totally broken inside, u really did a good job of putting that into words. and I strugle with wanting to be dead too, though not as frequently as u. I don't wanna come on here and tell u not to do it, ur decision is ur decision, but I think what u should really do is stop and think about the future.

your young man. at 23 this world still has soooo much to offer u. just know that we all strugle and we all hurt, and as long as ur alive, youll never be alone. hope thongs get better for u my man, and I hope that u see that u ARE worth it and that you DO have something to offer this world whether u know it yet or not.

 

[lostinthevoid]

So, what if suicide were physically impossible? Like, if the world and our bodies and spirits were set up so that it was a physical and spiritual impossibility to end your own life? Then what would you do?

edited to add: I'm not being flippant AT ALL. It's a serious question.

Well for one its not really physically impossible, the human body is a pretty versatile thing thats for sure but i down think its physically impossible I really dont know what your getting at with your question, i know that some people have survived atempts where they should be dead (me for one i gasses myself in my car and the gas i used h2s which kills in one breath turned all the coins in my car from silver and gold to brown i should be dead but im not) I think eliminating most of the variables that arise from failed suicide attempts will be what ensures a sure death.

I also know that we all struggle and we all go through pain and fuck me ive tried and tried and tried the paid has become too much i really just want peace, i just feel that i really should be suffering at 80 or 90 not at 23, it really sucks when people say your a young lad your 23 you should have heeps of energy but i struggle to get out of bed everyday, thats pretty fucked imo.

I read this really interesting near death accounts, a few actually and it said that people with mental illness or problems that cannot be repaired are given the same chances that anybody else who died naturally gets, because there is an irriversable problem they are not able to compleete their mission on earht therefore if they kill themselfs they are able to reveiw where they went wrong and will do it over again under better circumstances. I beleive this is true, but im not killing myself because of some shit i read on a psudo spiritual website, but i do beleive if there is some essence left after death, that it will ultimatl be returned to the source that is love and only love or into nothingness which becomes love anyway.

 

[vortex30]

Well for one its not really physically impossible, the human body is a pretty versatile thing thats for sure but i down think its physically impossible I really dont know what your getting at with your question, i know that some people have survived atempts where they should be dead (me for one i gasses myself in my car and the gas i used h2s which kills in one breath turned all the coins in my car from silver and gold to brown i should be dead but im not) I think eliminating most of the variables that arise from failed suicide attempts will be what ensures a sure death.

I also know that we all struggle and we all go through pain and fuck me ive tried and tried and tried the paid has become too much i really just want peace, i just feel that i really should be suffering at 80 or 90 not at 23, it really sucks when people say your a young lad your 23 you should have heeps of energy but i struggle to get out of bed everyday, thats pretty fucked imo.

I read this really interesting near death accounts, a few actually and it said that people with mental illness or problems that cannot be repaired are given the same chances that anybody else who died naturally gets, because there is an irriversable problem they are not able to compleete their mission on earht therefore if they kill themselfs they are able to reveiw where they went wrong and will do it over again under better circumstances. I beleive this is true, but im not killing myself because of some shit i read on a psudo spiritual website, but i do beleive if there is some essence left after death, that it will ultimatl be returned to the source that is love and only love or into nothingness which becomes love anyway.

The question was meant to guide you in the direction of thinking about things you would/could do at this point, if suicide was not an option to you or anyone, to make your life more bearable since you are stuck here to live it. After doing that exercise, you try the things you came up with.

Good luck dude, on life, not suicide, but then again I do feel it should be people's right to, if they're truly in that much pain. I've been in some really shitty places and suicide's barely ever crossed my mind as a serious option, so based on where I was at, and how far from suicide I was, if you have a similar threshold for pain, then you're in a really terrible place I'd never want to wish on anyone. I just hope this is true, that you are many times worse off than I was, because otherwise it's a complete waste.

Things get better. HPPD gets better! I don't have it anymore! 2.5 years without taking psychedelics, yeah it takes a little effort and time but it goes away as you train yourself to be attached to reality, not tripping. Depression, I'm still dealing with, I don't think it ever gets better really, you just gotta find things to distract yourself from it, so you aren't wallowing in it.

Again, best of luck, I hope you re-consider things. A really good friend of mine committed suicide last April...I can say it may have been for the best, he was really struggling, starting to get mildly violent even, and violent thoughts. He didn't want to harm anyone else...But it still really hurt his family deeply, and everyone who knew him. I really miss him loads!

 

[MindOverMethadone]

The question was meant to guide you in the direction of thinking about things you would/could do at this point, if suicide was not an option to you or anyone, to make your life more bearable since you are stuck here to live it. After doing that exercise, you try the things you came up with.

Good luck dude, on life, not suicide, but then again I do feel it should be people's right to, if they're truly in that much pain. I've been in some really shitty places and suicide's barely ever crossed my mind as a serious option, so based on where I was at, and how far from suicide I was, if you have a similar threshold for pain, then you're in a really terrible place I'd never want to wish on anyone. I just hope this is true, that you are many times worse off than I was, because otherwise it's a complete waste.

Things get better. HPPD gets better! I don't have it anymore! 2.5 years without taking psychedelics, yeah it takes a little effort and time but it goes away as you train yourself to be attached to reality, not tripping. Depression, I'm still dealing with, I don't think it ever gets better really, you just gotta find things to distract yourself from it, so you aren't wallowing in it.

Again, best of luck, I hope you re-consider things. A really good friend of mine committed suicide last April...I can say it may have been for the best, he was really struggling, starting to get mildly violent even, and violent thoughts. He didn't want to harm anyone else...But it still really hurt his family deeply, and everyone who knew him. I really miss him loads!

I'm sorry to hear about your friend :/ I know how painful it can be. I miss "T" terribly all I can say is, like vortex, I've also been in some really bad spots, and although suicide may have grazed my thoughts, I was never serious about it. More like, "I'm going to kill myself to get back at so and so". Which is the most selfish thing I have ever done. I can sympathize with you though, I know depression and mental anguish is a bitch. Sometimes, it just seems hopeless.

Bad comparison, but the first time I tried to get off Opiates (very very bad habit with oxy and heroin), shit man, I felt like crap!!! Absolute poop. Even being around the girl I loved, more than anything in the entire universe, wasn't cutting it. I got joy out of NOTHING. I'm serious. Nothing was fun, nothing made me feel good, it's as if I was completely emotionless. I couldn't even put up a front.

Before you make any irrational decisions, please post on here. Post what's going through your head and maybe me or someone else might be able to change your mind :/

 

[lostinthevoid]

The question was meant to guide you in the direction of thinking about things you would/could do at this point, if suicide was not an option to you or anyone, to make your life more bearable since you are stuck here to live it. After doing that exercise, you try the things you came up with.

Good luck dude, on life, not suicide, but then again I do feel it should be people's right to, if they're truly in that much pain. I've been in some really shitty places and suicide's barely ever crossed my mind as a serious option, so based on where I was at, and how far from suicide I was, if you have a similar threshold for pain, then you're in a really terrible place I'd never want to wish on anyone. I just hope this is true, that you are many times worse off than I was, because otherwise it's a complete waste.

Things get better. HPPD gets better! I don't have it anymore! 2.5 years without taking psychedelics, yeah it takes a little effort and time but it goes away as you train yourself to be attached to reality, not tripping. Depression, I'm still dealing with, I don't think it ever gets better really, you just gotta find things to distract yourself from it, so you aren't wallowing in it.

Again, best of luck, I hope you re-consider things. A really good friend of mine committed suicide last April...I can say it may have been for the best, he was really struggling, starting to get mildly violent even, and violent thoughts. He didn't want to harm anyone else...But it still really hurt his family deeply, and everyone who knew him. I really miss him loads!

Ive been off psychedelics for 3 years and its just got worse, like i said i dont know why its not like i havnt been doing everything right, its like things just arnt getting better for me no matter what I try to do. I guess as far as my tollerance for pain goes, yes its quite high and unfortunatly i am in that place that you dread really sucks i didnt think it was possible to feel this much pain and live through it

 

[MindOverMethadone]

This may seem like a weird question, but have you told your loved ones about this?...

 

[g3rmz23]

Personally, I think if somebody decides they want to take their own life, that is their right... However, if you spare your life now, you might look back on it one day and be very happy you did.

You never know what the future holds... It might be well worth it to find out.

I wish you luck..

 

[lostinthevoid]

yeah my loved ones know, they dont know exactly what im going to do but they have seen the life go out of me its actually pretty heartbreaking

 

[MindOverMethadone]

I am sorry to hear that friend. All I can say is I'm here to lend an ear. Before you do any harm to yourself, keep us posted. Please.

 

[bben]

I fried myself with mdma, so i can understand this. I have schizophrenia ill prob meet you there bro.

 

[MindOverMethadone]

Void, you there man?...

 

[canarylove]

it takes a lot of guts to kill yourself, but to overcome it is courageous.

 

[BrahamCracker]

i just want to say i'm a lot like you. if you want to talk just pm me. id like that.

 

[lostinthevoid]

thanks for replying, wow theres alot more people that have been damaged by drugs than i thought

 

[MindOverMethadone]

DUDE!!!! I thought I had lost you there for a second. Glad you're still posting. How are you feeling?...

 

[lostinthevoid]

Im feeling worse, dont really have the energy in me to off myself right now, cant really get out of bed either, but i had a nice lamb kebab which was awsome.