So I relapsed... again!

Yesterday I decided to hangout with an old co-worker. We both had been friends first and just would smoke weed together but then we found out we both did pills and dope. Yeah, well it went downhill from there. Not our friendship but the fact that we just started using heroin together all the time and turned into junkies even more than we already were.

So anyways time goes by and we both no longer work at our previous job. I still see her every now and then. We both, however, are busy with school and just life in general. I no longer have her hitting me up telling me her husband has new bags he's selling and I no longer go to her house an hour after that text to buy a bundle. I'm going to school and doing good for once... at least I thought.

So now her husband and her are no more.. I guess her husband cheated on her so she went to live with her brother but first went to detox. She told me of this yesterday when I decided to chill with her, yeah bad idea. She told me she slipped up and did a bag the other day but wasn't planning on doing anymore. I even told her how I was clean for awhile but slipped up over winter break but then I got clean again. I then told her I did not plan on doing it anymore but then after we smoke weed she ends up getting a bag from her brother... I was like, huh? And then out of nowhere I said damn, I should of got one too.

Then she tells me that we can split it and then the next minute I'm snorting dope... what the fuck?! I didn't even want heroin and the other day I even said to myself that I could not fuck this up and then what do you know? I'm snorting heroin the next day. I should of known this was going to happen... I was just setting myself up for it.

I even bought bags after that and my friend did as well. She tells me these are her last bags and her brother knocks on the door asking if us junkies are done. He doesn't like to watch, even though he then offers to sell me coke, crack and everything else and then also tells me I'm invited over his house anytime.

Oh shit, is all I'm thinking but then I'm also thinking oh.... one phone call away. This is all one phone call away. I have a job again and money to spend... ultimate bliss is just one phone call away.

However, I know I can't do this... I can't but why do I always fuck up? I regret ever trying heroin or any opiates for that matter. When will this stop? When will I ever be able to stay clean?

 

these things happen girl, keep your chin up.
delete her number, it might not be a bad idea to delete her from facebook as well.
one of the hardest things about recovery and being clean is how many people we have to 'lose,' but at the end of the day, it comes down to you and how you want to live your life.

you probably always fuck up because you're an addict, although i could be wrong.
typically if people make a concious decision to stop and can't, they're an addict.
it'll never stop, but you'll be able to quit and move on once you've had enough and you can't possibly sink lower.

i hope that things turn around for you astat,
those feelings and experiences of trying to stay clean but being unable to do it are the closest thing to hell that i can imagine,
something that people who have never personally gone through active addiction will never understand.

feel free to send me a pm and good luck,
-pastel

 

Thank you Pastel, your words do mean a lot. It's just so frustrating to me that I can get clean and fight off the cravings but then as soon as somebody offers me something I can't say no... I just throw everything out the window and it makes me so upset. I don't mind smoking weed or psychedelics here and there but I'm not and will never abuse them/addicted to them. However, opiates have been a completely different story and a neverending nightmare.

I know I need to delete numbers and get rid of people out of my life... I just need to get the nerve to do so... I want so desperately to get clean but then the addict in me tells me I shouldn't... and then the depression I have tells me fuck it, get high because you want t die anyways.

But thank you again

 

I would probably try hanging out with other people, and try cutting everything out if full recovery is what you want. I've found that the marijuana maintenance program is a no-go for me, and that my more profound spiritual experiences have taken place through either meditation p
or waking life itself.

however, I do respect that this way of life isn't necessarily the 'way' for anybody else.

maybe try finding other people who are having the same struggles as you and who are at least trying to improve themselves instead of handing you drugs, lord knows that's not what you need right now.