So I fell for another druggie, I guess

[Ninae]

If anyone's been reading I've been writing a bit about this Pakistan/Muslim guy I've seen seeing for the past couple of months. Though mostly just because I enjoy his company and there's been no one else in my life, and it's been more like a platonic relatiomship with a hot guy. Though I suppose the main reason was that he pursued me so hard from day one, he would always call me and I never him, etc. and after a week or so I asked him "Are you really in love?" and he said "What do you think?".

Now there's nothing wrong with this guy. He's like the ideal boyfriend, very romantic, though act a bit like a girl in a relationship, i.e. he's very needy, etc. and easily get upset if I don't reprociate his feelings. But he's a really great guy, one of the best I've met. Physically ideal, very moral and good, never said or done anything to make me feel hurt, buy me thing and wants to take care of me all the time, bought me a boquet of 60 pink beautiful roses for my birthday (because I said I liked that), don't drink or touch any drugs, and keeps coming back to the subject of marriage and children (which I'm not a fan of).

So this guy would be ideal and like the boyfriend I've always dreamed of if only I could feel it for him. I just lack the butterflies, the intoxicating feelings and obsessive thoughts, well, you know what I mean. When I'm really into a guy I can't stop going on and on and on about him. And he obviously feels that so I feel sorry for him, and guilty too. Though I have been warning him all the time I can't promise anything and don't know if it will work out, and I don't say I love him or anything like that unless I really feel it. But he even loves that too, and says other girls are just like "I love you! I love you!" without really meaning it. He also finds sex without feelings boring and complains so many girls have tried to use him as a stud, which I find pretty hysterical, but still wonderful for a woman to hear.

Anyway, 10 days ago I took another trip to the city to try and score some benzos mostly, as I've been having insane sleeping problems and practically been a nervous wreck. And what do you know, if anyone remember the las time I went it turned out pretty much the same. That is, I actually met up with a very nice, attractive guy, middleman/dealer, who was very good to me. Only saw him for like 10 minutes or so, just like the last guy, but that was enough. He was extremely nice and compassionate with me, almost like nothing I've ever experienced. Like when we sat on the train he said he could see I had nerves and squeezed my hand to reassure me (which I would never do to a stranger) and told me I should take some more Klonopins (he had taken 20 already by noon). The thing is though I found this guy so exceptionally attractive/irresistable. Both physically (typical Nordic type) and personality-wise - ESPECIALLY personality-wise I found him so adorable and he moved me so. So sensitive with so much love in him, and I love guys like that, and just haven't been able to get him out of my head.

So that was another immediate response. I guess I'm a love-at-first sight person. He responded to me aswell and wanted to exchange phone numbers and told me I could contact him on the net, and we've been keeping in touch for a bit, and it really gives me butterflies, etc. whenever I hear from him. The problem is just though, as nice as he is is INSIDE, and as wonderfully as he treats people, he is also a majorly fucked up mess in the way he lives his life, and pretty much crazy. To sum of some of it, longtime drug addict, just switched over to benzos to quit heroin and now is severly dependent on that. Has no home and lives in a hospice, has no income and has to steal daily for food, gets by selling drugs and God knows what else. Has also been to prison, and has few real friends or support persons in his life, and his fiance broke it off with him last month after cheating on him and stealing everything he had so he's also pretty crushed about that. And underneath his friendly, charming persona I sense he is severly depressed over his situation. Think you get the general idea now, so I'll stop here.

This guy is very different from the last guy I met in the scene, though, who was more like a posh-boy who you'd never suspect as an addict by the look of him. Seemed more like new to the game and like a small-time runner-boy to finance his own recreational use and make a bit of money. I was also very obsessive about him for a while, but that didn't go anywhere, and this guy touches me much more deeply for various reasons, like his vulnerability, love, compassion, etc. and we are really on the same wavelength and connect really well with each other.

Apologise for the length, I just couldn't hold it in any longer and really don't know what to do. So what do you think of this then?

 

[maxalfie]

I think that you fall in love way too quickly. You hardly know the drug guy, got to be reasons why he has no home or friends.
They obviously have had enough of him for some reason, did he lie & steal from them? Would you be next on his list?
Please think carefully before going ahead with anything with either of these guys, I don't think either of them will be good for you and I don't think they are what you truly want or even deserve.

 

[Mass08]

I think your asking for trouble by pursuing this or looking into it any further...

 

[Ninae]

True, I know you're half right, and have many concerns. But at the same time he really tugs at my heart and is a really good guy in the way he treats people and has many rare beautiful qualities. Plus falling in love is practically hard to resist, so it's not that easy.

And I am sure he has done a lot of horrible things, as he's out in the drug scene on a daily basis. Not out of evil, but out of need, desperation, etc. He is very good and supportive to his friends, though, but it is very hard to have someone like that in your life and have to deal with all their bullshit. I also get the sense he would be a good boyfriend apart from the drug-related issues. He seems wildly romantic and has an exceptional capacity for love, which is actually very rare to find out there.

The main concerns isn't so much being hurt by him but the danger-aspect of being involved with someone like that who's so out of control and the situations it could put me in. But at the same time the guy is GOLD and I will go many years before meeting someone like that again. Just some examples of things he has said to me:


"I would also be happy to meet you every time you come down. And I greatly appreciated what you wrote to me, and it's true, I walk with a heart and an angel to remind me to be humble all the time every day , and, yes, I love with all of my being. I am very depressed these days, still love my ex who has just ended it, almost as much as ever, even if she's cheated on me several times and stolen everything I've had. But I used my last coin last night as a last attempt to get in touch with her.

And sorry, I'm just extremely down right now, not my intention to load negative energies over on you. But thank you so much for what you wrote to me, I greatly appreciated it, and you will have my new mobile number in a bit, will let you know why later, but I hope we can keep in touch.

You're also a remarkably good girl, you. It's dangerous in the drug-scene, be careful! You're so kind, but far too naive, you have no idea how cynical the "nice" ones in the scene can be. And there are also lots of really dangerous psycopaths just walking around preying for someone weak they can take advantage of.

Look after yourself, since you were robbed again now, and never stop being the good girl I met. I can see into the core of people and I saw you right away who, completely...am so benzosick now, so I must borrow some if anyone are kind enough, hope so at least, or for something positive

I'll be back soon and get in touch. Big hug to you, and it's good there are kind people like who are almost too kind Be kind, but don't be naive, is my little advice for now. Almost can't think right now...big hug to you again!"


He's saying that he's more street-wise than me, basically, which is natural. But does he honestly sound like a bad guy? I think he's truly good inside, it's just his lifestyle and addiction that makes him do bad things (there are many good addicts out there too).

An obviously very moving person who can touch people's hearts and easily inspire love. Some are just like that. A shame he has to rely on drugs so much, really, he shouldn't really need to. But I suspect much trauma in his life, too. Childhood issues, etc.

 

[Stevenski]

Sick people attract sick people unfortunately. A harsh reality of life.

I feel the Nordic thunder god would bring you nothing but trouble but then again maybe that is what you crave deep down?

 

[Ninae]

True, I admit we have certain issues in common, but his are a 100 times worse than mine.

But come on, does that sound like a bad guy to you?

So much heart in him, sounds like someone most girls would only dream to meet.

And his ex was really bad for him, I feel. She really enabled his lifestyle and from a picture I saw of them he looked really devoted and full of love for her, but she didn't look like she had much love or much to give.

But I think he just needs to cling to someone who will put up with him as he is - he can't cope without love in his life, I feel. Which attracts me as well as I have a lot to give and like having someone to mother.

 

[Pagey]

I think for starters you should end things with the guy you've been seeing...I know it must be difficult if rationally you feel like things should be working out between the two of you but if they're not, they're just not.

It sounds like you're like me and attracted to the unstable mysterious dangerous kinda guy. It also sounds like you should work on distancing yourself from these kinds of people.
I've got absolutely nothing against drug users and I think they can be perfectly good partners but a few things bother me in your description of him:
- he told you to take more klonopin. This is not what someone who cares about you would say. He's a drug dealer and it very much sounds like the whole thing about giving you the impression that he's into you is to get you to buy more from him. I'm really sorry if that's harsh but I'd rather just give you my opinion clearly so that hopefully it can spare you some pain if I'm right.
- he's not just a drug user, he's a drug addict. I think I recall reading from an old thread of yours (sorry if I'm wrong, might be mixing you up with someone) that you've had your own experiences with addiction, and you would therefore know what this does to a person and how badly suited for a relationship it makes them.
- not only is he a drug user, he's a drug dealer. I just have a problem with that. Imo it does show a lack of morality. He's consciously living off feeding the ruin of certain people's lives. I have no respect for drug dealers whatsoever and really don't think they can be trusted...refer back to what I said about the klonopins.

Anyway, there you go. I get that you're the kind of person that gets attached easily - once again, so am I and I feel like we've got a number of things in common in terms of who the people we are attracted to are and how this attraction occurs. But you should really, really work on reserving those feelings for people you know better. This man could be anyone and there are already warning signals. Please don't get involved with him, so many less risky people out there that I'm sure you could get along with just as well.

 

[Stevenski]

True, I admit we have certain issues in common, but his are a 100 times worse than mine.

But come on, does that sound like a bad guy to you?

So much heart in him, sounds like someone most girls would only dream to meet.

And his ex was really bad for him, I feel. She really enabled his lifestyle and from a picture I saw of them he looked really devoted and full of love for her, but she didn't look like she had much love or much to give.

But I think he just needs to cling to someone who will put up with him as he is - he can't cope without love in his life, I feel. Which attracts me as well as I have a lot to give and like having someone to mother.

He seems like a good guy to be honest. He has warned you off because he is dangerous to you & he knows it. If I was him I would be fighting the urge to see you with the realisation that I could well bring you down with me. No one with a conscience would want to do that but when you are in the grip of addiction you can lack the clarity to be aware you are bringing someone down with you.

You talked about his ex being an enabler & then you say you are attracted to him & want to "mother" him. Do you see the correlation there? You would become his new enabler like it of not & that is bad for both of you. I would also let the other gentleman down gently. Clearly you do not share the same level of feelings he has & you would only end up hurting him if you continue with this.

A tricky situation no doubt & I wish you the best but make sure you do what is right for you & you alone.

 

[Beachcat]

Honestly, I read what he wrote and thought immediately that he was being manipulative. He may or may not be a nice guy. It seems to me that you may need some help yourself. You say that he is gold, that there will be no one like him for years, etc etc yet you only met him briefly in a drug deal and have exchanged online messages...you couldn't possibly really KNOW that about him already.

I think that the fact that you are willing to throw over someone who is truly kind, caring, etc for someone who obviously is not relationship material is a huge red flag for your own personal issues. Just my opinion, of course. However, it seems the decent thing to do is let your current boyfriend go before he gets really hurt by a shitty situation.

 

[nowdubnvr6]

You're also an exceptionally good girl, you. It's dangerous in the drug-scene, be careful! You're so kind, but far too naive, you have no idea how cynical the "nice" ones in the scene can be. And there are also lots of really dangerous psycopaths just walking around preying for someone weak they can take advantage of.

Sounds like he speaks a good congame to me more than anything. And the reason above I quoted is the biggest reason why you should keep dealings strictly business. This guy is seeing how you react to this and how naive you really are. Good luck be careful.

 

[eitak]

I think your asking for trouble by pursuing this or looking into it any further...

Agreed.

 

[Ninae]

He seems like a good guy to be honest. He has warned you off because he is dangerous to you & he knows it. If I was him I would be fighting the urge to see you with the realisation that I could well bring you down with me. No one with a conscience would want to do that but when you are in the grip of addiction you can lack the clarity to be aware you are bringing someone down with you.

He is a good guy INSIDE, in the way that he treats people and feels about people, he never hurts anyone and always tries to be kind and helpful. I am also quite "clairsentient" (my only real pychic skill) and very sensitive about people's energies and feelings and can tell how much love and goodness there is in someone just by looking at them.

I had a very uncomfortable experience when I was hospitalised for an overdose in the summer when it was so clear to me, and it was awful to see how many doctors/nurses had absolutely no sympathy and even distain for their patients, though there were also some good reallly good and compassionate ones. Ths was so clear to me it could have been written all over their face, and it was the same with him, I could feel a very loving, spiritual, almost angelic energy in him. So I am not clueless about human nature by any means.

I do believe he has a really good conscience and it's the drug addiction and lifestyle that makes him to bad things. And for sure it has corrupted many people and even a saint can be ruined by a drug addicton. So it doesn't make me see him as a bad person, really, especially when 99% in the scene are scum, and you certainly won't come across many like him.

You talked about his ex being an enabler & then you say you are attracted to him & want to "mother" him. Do you see the correlation there? You would become his new enabler like it of not & that is bad for both of you. I would also let the other gentleman down gently. Clearly you do not share the same level of feelings he has & you would only end up hurting him if you continue with this.

A tricky situation no doubt & I wish you the best but make sure you do what is right for you & you alone.

Yes, but see, I'm not an addict, and a much more moderate recreational user, and would set some limits for him and try to influence him this way. He's already trying that for himself, so I think he would be receptive to it. Of course I have no illusions I can get him to stop completely, but that is not as important if he can clean up his act and change his life around to at least something better than it is now.

As for the other guy, he has never become my boyfriend. He's just pursuing me and I have him around as a hot friend, basically. There are many attractive people in the, world but not many you can fall in love with, so that's his attraction for me.

 

[Ninae]

Sounds like he speaks a good congame to me more than anything. And the reason above I quoted is the biggest reason why you should keep dealings strictly business. This guy is seeing how you react to this and how naive you really are. Good luck be careful.

You might have a point, but I don't feel that is the case here. I might be naive, but you sound cynical, and he has no reason to manipulate me. I might not even go back to the city again so i's not like I will be a regular customer of him.

He's even offered to send me some pills for free when he can afford it and says he would be happy to supply me by mail and give me a good bonus, but of course I'll be wary of that and see if he's for real.

The thing about these people is that they might mean well initially, but then they find themselves in some desperate situation that might even threaten their survival and it all goes out the window.

 

[Mel22]

Yes, but see, I'm not an addict, and a much more moderate recreational user, and would set some limits for him and try to influence him this way.

He is a heavily addicted dealer. You are deluding yourself if you think you'll be able to simply walk in and "set some limits for him."

He is a good guy INSIDE, in the way that he treats people and feels about people, he never hurts anyone and always tries to be kind and helpful.

You've spent what, all of 10 minutes with this guy? You cannot possibly know that he "never hurts anyone and always tries to be kind and helpful."

You are making assumptions about his character and stating them as fact, even to the point where you use the word "angelic" to describe him. I think you need to take a step back, clear your head, and stop being so quick to make this guy out to be something that he's not. The way you have described him is your idealistic view on it all...it is not reality.

 

[RobotRipping]

if it's one thing i've learned it is not to judge people at face value. it takes forever to become familiar with a person. I've met lots of people i thought i could trust only to be deceived, ripped off or fucked over. That is the only way someone can con you is to gain your trust and people will do things you would never think of to gain this trust. You are probably just a trusting person and yet to learn this valuable lesson.

i think nowdub is absolutely correct and not just cynical; i've seen this kind of thing happen far too often to be passed off as cynicism.

 

[Ninae]

I get what you're saying and am very wary, I just think you're judging him too harshly, and seriously don't see him as a personal threat. He just sent me this for instance, does it sound like such a bad person to you?

"I just can’t send you any pills without money right now as I have no money and has gone with abstinences for a week now. And just as you say I am struggling so bad financially I almost need to have money upfront because I can’t put out. Have just done it again and am about £2000 poorer, long story (is he fucking crazy? And he calls me naïve). Because there’s so unbelievable much that has happened and I have zero money, literally, I have no warm clothes, clothes change, or anything. But going to the welfare office today and maybe, just maybe, I will have some money then and then I will send you some as I don’t wish that pain upon anyone (he seems to think I’m addicted).

And from there on I can gradually start to build myself up again and stop with daily stealing of food from shops, etc. And selling stronger drugs I would rather not do anymore, because of my conscious, with human exceptions of course. I might be able to get hold of some boxes of Oxycodone, and you won’t believe people are literally willing to kill for it here. But there’s this guy in my hospice with cancer, he’s not a drug addict but suffering, and I’m almost tempted to give half of it to him.

I’m incredibly sick myself, I’m sad to say, but the fact that I’m kind and polite and try to defend the weaker ones from the “stronger” ones when something violent is going down is what has given me so many good connections. You have no idea how long someone who’s standing out crying in the rain because of withdrawals will remember you and be grateful for just £20, when I’ve been able to give for instance.

But I would very much like to know and learn more about the deep spiritual knowledge you have. I am a deep believe in the one true God (the only one there is ), but the other one I have also had contact with in the form of the figure Thanatos (the Greek mythologies god over death) and as an 11 year old he instructed me in chaos magic (don’t even google it, evil). And that hell and that hatred I escaped from and as soon as I lay down and prayed I found God in crying as a 22-year old

But if I have luck now I will send you some, free too, for that matter!”

Not many think like that, and I like his approach to interacting with people in the drug scene. Both wise and compassionate. I have never been able to feel that kind of compassion for suffering addicts, for instance, sad to say. So there are things I really admire about him.

 

[RobotRipping]

sounds manipulative tbh; i was just waiting to read, 'oh btw can you send me some money upfront?" I think a ton of people are exactly like this. he sounds like he is using 'addiction' to form trust as he has been suffering in a number of ways and has in life, so you feel inclined to trust his wise old and conflicted soul. I've seen the exact same thing from others and got out before things became too fucked up.

i can't judge a person from here but those are some red flags to consider. I think it'd be easier to judge his actions in regards to others than words from him to you, to actually see that compassion for suffering would be much different than someone saying how compassionate they are for people. basically you need to get to know this person better to figure it all out.

 

[Stevenski]

The more I read the more I am red flagging this guy. He is playing it well but I guarantee within his next two communications he asks for something. He is looking for an enabler & using classic methods to gain sympathy & ultimately support from Ninae. Run a mile I say & do not look back.

 

[Ninae]

The more I read the more I am red flagging this guy. He is playing it well but I guarantee within his next two communications he asks for something. He is looking for an enabler & using classic methods to gain sympathy & ultimately support from Ninae. Run a mile I say & do not look back.

I partly agree, and I also think he is playing it well because he is being sincere in the moment he says it, but that might change at any time due to circumstances, etc. But rest assured, I am not planning to send out any large amounts of money for this guy. I might try him out for a very low amount but would never trust him with much. Even if he means well his situation is simply too desperate to be trusted.

But I actually got the impression he was eager for another client to be able to make more money, as he needs it so badly and the competition between dealers is fierce, as opposed to just ripping me off for a one-time amount. As opposd to another guy who screwed me over (who was on Subutex and financially much better off) and right out said he had all the clients he needed so why would he bother to do that? While this guy seems to have some experience with dealing via mail.

Anyway, time will tell, not planning to shell out much to him at any rate and I have another more trustworthy guy I can buy from who'll even send me for free. I'm more interested in just staying in touch with him and thought more we could help each other out with small amounts or when one of us are in trouble, etc. Sensible enough for you?

 

[footscrazy]

Honestly, I read what he wrote and thought immediately that he was being manipulative.

Exactly my first thoughts. That text you copied here didn't move me at all, in fact, it comes across to me as insincere. I think he's telling you what you want to hear. I think he's even trying to warn you he'll use you for selfish reasons in his message to you. - He might not be a 'bad' person, but what I get from that message is, he knows you're easy to manipulate, he will manipulate you, he doesn't feel 100% right about that, so he's alluding to that....so that if you do keep coming to him, he doesn't feel so bad, because it's your choice.