So I feel Kind of Guilty...

[Papaverium]

One of my best friends, an ex IV heroin user (clean for 7 years), and I got into a conversation, in which he stated " if you ever find heroin in this city, tell me!"

Well, In November, a good friend of mine found herion (which is a rarity where I'm from), and of course, as an idiot, I told him, and also of course we got some.... This was my first time doing heroin. I've IV'd oxy before in the past, but this was different. It didn't just stop at one time, this time....

Since then we've been going on missions to find it, and haven't been successful, so we turned to shooting hydromorphs instead...

What I'm getting at is, I kinda feel shitty, like I got my friend hooked back on the needle, and he got me into doing it myself.... We are both trying to stop now, and I'm doing pretty good, but he is still using. I wish there was something I could say to help him, but nothing is working,
And just talking to him is a trigger now, because he talks about getting drugs, and being high, and I'm not ready to listen to that crap yet...

I feel like I caused this, and I have to fix it. But we both caused it, I can identify that it's not my fault for his relapse, and it's not his fault for getting me on the needle.... EVERYONE makes their own decisions, but somehow I still feel this guilt, like....

I should have never told him I could find heroin....

but then again, if I didn't tell him, my life might be already in the gutter if I did it alone.... So maybe we saved eachother by destroying eachother... That's not a good relationship to have with a friend.... and I don't want to lose one of my only IRL friends by having to not talk to him ever again, or finding out he OD's...... I really want to help him.... He won't go into treatment, or take methadone.

I don't even know the purpose of this thread, I just want to help my friend, and I don't know how to when I can see the light, and he's still trapped in the Dark Side...

~Ms.P

 

[joonya77]

You can woulda/coulda/shoulda yourself until you're blue in the face. That won't help anything. It sounds like your friend had mentally relapsed before you even told him about the dope. If he didn't get it from you, it would've been someone else. I'm a heroin junkie. When I want it, I'll hunt it like a gawddamned bloodhound.

You gotta worry about you. Heroin is the King Kong of monkeys on your back. It may sound crass, disloyal, even downright cold, but you gotta worry about you. Your friend has to go through what he's gonna go through. He won't quit for you or anyone but himself when he's ready. And while you don't want to lose the friendship, you may want to keep your distance until you can be around him with no worries, if he's still using then. It's a cliche, but peoples/places/things. Triggers baby. Watch out for those triggers.

Good Luck to you. You can kick this stuff.

 

[sinclair1984]

I understand your guilt I did the same thing to two of my best friends. I really hope you feel better, you've been nice to me and I'm not exactly together right now.

 

[Papaverium]

You can woulda/coulda/shoulda yourself until you're blue in the face. That won't help anything. It sounds like your friend had mentally relapsed before you even told him about the dope. If he didn't get it from you, it would've been someone else. I'm a heroin junkie. When I want it, I'll hunt it like a gawddamned bloodhound.

You gotta worry about you. Heroin is the King Kong of monkeys on your back. It may sound crass, disloyal, even downright cold, but you gotta worry about you. Your friend has to go through what he's gonna go through. He won't quit for you or anyone but himself when he's ready. And while you don't want to lose the friendship, you may want to keep your distance until you can be around him with no worries, if he's still using then. It's a cliche, but peoples/places/things. Triggers baby. Watch out for those triggers.

Good Luck to you. You can kick this stuff.

You have a point about his mental relapse before starting again, but that was completely due to me talking about opiates, I know no shoulda-woulda-coulda's can do anything now, but if I just kept my mouth shut about my oxy problem, then it wouldn't have triggered him..

but in another breath, once an addict, always an addict, that evil voice will be there forever, so perhaps it could have been on his mind already... but 7 years clean is so long, I just feel bad

~Ms.P

 

[joonya77]

I'm a plasterer, and the guy I broke in with, the guy who taught me the trade, had been sober for 14 years. This is in 2001. By July of 2002, he had 10 guys working for him, meeting a cash payroll of $8000/wk, a brand new addition on his house that he paid cash for, and unbeknownst to us workers, a 6 OC/80 a day habit. He jumped the fence after 14 years. Blew all his savings (maybe $160,000), lost his wife and kids, his business, everything. Addiction never goes away, that's why they say it's never cured, it can kinda go into remission. I had a guy explain it to me like this: Addiction is like a little monkey. And when you get clean you put that monkey in a cage inside you. And that monkey is in there eatin' bananas and doing pushups. If you let him out, hold on to your hat.

Don't beat yourself up. You didn't hold a gun to anybody's head.

 

[Papaverium]

Thanks man, I know I really shouldn't beat myself up...,
and in fact I was just talking with my friend and he told me that he decided that he's going to get help and has an appointment tomorrow at a counseling thing.. I'm so happy ^^
We were going to quit together but that didn't work out at first. But now we can help eachother quit!

And not be triggers around eachother....
That will be difficult though..... but it's time to focus on the healthy things in life, not poking holes in our skin.

Yes... addiction is a demon that once placed in the brain, will never leave.... The most you can do it make the voice quieter... almost to silence. But it will always be there whispering temptations. 7 years is a long time to have quit heroin... I can imagine why it would be harder for him to stop than me... Once having relapsed, it's like going to see an old friend.... then realize you stopped talking to them in the first place because they stole all you had, but now they have your contact info and won't leave you alone until you talk to them.. just one more time. And of course, you do, and they steal one more item you had, secretly while you were too busy talking about one of the good the old times......

yeah.....

~Ms.P

 

[SaciPerere]

Are you sure he was clean for 7 years? Heroin is one of the toughest drugs to get out of, and a lot of addicts lie about the time they've been clean even to their best friends. I know because I would do it all the time, I would tell them I had been clean of coke for 10 months, when in reality it was just 3 weeks.

 

[Papaverium]

He was in British Columbia long before he met me, and theres sooooo much heroin there. Then he moved here to Manitoba, and it's like impossible to find and opiates are ridiculously expensive here, its hard to afford a light habit to begin with..., anyway, he and his gf at the time decided to get clean and move to Winnipeg. So since he's been here, he hasn't touched it as far as I know, until I came around....

Maybe he was lying, I can believe both sides. Either way, we are a bad influence on eachother lol...
Especially since I promised I'd never shoot myself up, he always did it for me... then of course, what happened.. 8)

oh well that's officially the past, we're getting better now, I really hope he doesn't lie to me and just keep using, it kinda pisses me off really. Like, I wanna fucking use but I cant and then he's there sneaking around using... I guess that's jealousy.... damn..... I shouldn't be jealous though, I want to stop!

~Ms.P

 

[SaciPerere]

He was in British Columbia long before he met me, and theres sooooo much heroin there. Then he moved here to Manitoba, and it's like impossible to find and opiates are ridiculously expensive here, its hard to afford a light habit to begin with..., anyway, he and his gf at the time decided to get clean and move to Winnipeg. So since he's been here, he hasn't touched it as far as I know, until I came around....

Maybe he was lying, I can believe both sides. Either way, we are a bad influence on eachother lol...
Especially since I promised I'd never shoot myself up, he always did it for me... then of course, what happened.. 8)

oh well that's officially the past, we're getting better now, I really hope he doesn't lie to me and just keep using, it kinda pisses me off really. Like, I wanna fucking use but I cant and then he's there sneaking around using... I guess that's jealousy.... damn..... I shouldn't be jealous though, I want to stop!

~Ms.P

Really sure he's lying to you, 100% of junkies lie, its part of our disease. I have ex coke friends who swear to me they've been clean for over a year and I know through common friends that they do it religiously from thursday to sunday.