So I've had a great time last night/today. I explained the events leading up to what happened. I know, Jim playing with fire. I'm having fun, but have been a bit paranoid off and on. Mom is fucking home all the time which sucks and gets up at odd hrs of the night. Is she curious trying to figure out if I'm still up or not? I'm off all day today and tomorrow until 11pm. So for real, back to concentrating on dumb ass bills, get more work on my teeth done. I haven't shirked my responsibilities, yet. I know this is only the 2nd time sister Crystal and I have hung out for 2 years. I could get into soooo goddamned much trouble. I almost said fuck it at Aimee's last night, because much as I love her, she and her family have always attracted drama. Even as a full time tweaker I was VERY anal about who was and was not allowed in my apartment.
The only reason I let that crazy dude rent from me is because it was my fault for letting myself get into a position of desperation, and I paid for it. His drama got me booted out, but as I said, that was my responsibility, so I don't even pretend that I was the victum. I was paralyzed by fear to look for work. I did not want to take any time interviewing roommates because getting loaded was way more important. Same rules apply today. Often, I've actually been able to accomplish the footwork required for getting whatever unpleasant bullshit I need to get done, at least the past 2 years. I said no way would I do drugs again because I'd all ready done them for 25 years. I meant what I said at the time. I also had strength that was not my own in many situations, but once the buzz got into my body via the tramadol, that was it.
I don't know what's going to happen. I like to think I'll be vigilant as hell and never let anything happen, but the fact is any time you're dealing with full time dope fiends at a known drug house, that's taking a huge risk. I know this. If I could walk into a Dr.'s office and ask her for an Rx and have the pharmacist fill it, I'd of course do that instead. The USA don't play that though. We have some of the most rigid drug laws compared to many countries, so if I want sister Crystal to come out and play, then this is the game I've got to play. The plan is to play much less frequently and in much smaller amounts. I'll just play by my rules, no driving, no leaving the house, no working like I did on my scheduled vacations, only these days, a teenager during a wk is way more than I can get away with. More like 1/4 gram 2 days a months or every other month is better.
I longed for and missed writing, I had to ask sister Crystal to come out. The poetry hasn't come yet, I think because I'm nervous, everything is so different now than before 2 years ago. Maybe it will come back, or maybe it never will. That's ok. The mere joy of writing is awesome! So no tripping, no pressure. Heard from Dave. His shroom guy got busted, lol, of course. No biggie. Had a feeling life was gonna fuck this up, but what's done is done. I had/have some serious questions I want answers too that the shrooms can allow me to hear...the way sister Crystal allows me to write so much better. She's the writer, not me. Psycilocybin is the shaman, I'm not, same thing kind of. All of these things I'm all ready capable of because drugs don't give you a talent or ability you don't all ready have, but merely facilitates the action.
The other thing I was gonna write/type is what I all ready hand wrote at work a few nights ago, pages and pages. The opiates were talking. The sadness was coming. The pages were filled, but have no way to type it on line at work, and by the time I get home, sister Crystal absent and all, I don't have the energy to write like she can,which sucks. That's the main reason I really wanted her to come out tonight. I've missed her. I've got to be extra fucking careful too.
The only reason I let that crazy dude rent from me is because it was my fault for letting myself get into a position of desperation, and I paid for it. His drama got me booted out, but as I said, that was my responsibility, so I don't even pretend that I was the victum. I was paralyzed by fear to look for work. I did not want to take any time interviewing roommates because getting loaded was way more important. Same rules apply today. Often, I've actually been able to accomplish the footwork required for getting whatever unpleasant bullshit I need to get done, at least the past 2 years. I said no way would I do drugs again because I'd all ready done them for 25 years. I meant what I said at the time. I also had strength that was not my own in many situations, but once the buzz got into my body via the tramadol, that was it.
I don't know what's going to happen. I like to think I'll be vigilant as hell and never let anything happen, but the fact is any time you're dealing with full time dope fiends at a known drug house, that's taking a huge risk. I know this. If I could walk into a Dr.'s office and ask her for an Rx and have the pharmacist fill it, I'd of course do that instead. The USA don't play that though. We have some of the most rigid drug laws compared to many countries, so if I want sister Crystal to come out and play, then this is the game I've got to play. The plan is to play much less frequently and in much smaller amounts. I'll just play by my rules, no driving, no leaving the house, no working like I did on my scheduled vacations, only these days, a teenager during a wk is way more than I can get away with. More like 1/4 gram 2 days a months or every other month is better.
I longed for and missed writing, I had to ask sister Crystal to come out. The poetry hasn't come yet, I think because I'm nervous, everything is so different now than before 2 years ago. Maybe it will come back, or maybe it never will. That's ok. The mere joy of writing is awesome! So no tripping, no pressure. Heard from Dave. His shroom guy got busted, lol, of course. No biggie. Had a feeling life was gonna fuck this up, but what's done is done. I had/have some serious questions I want answers too that the shrooms can allow me to hear...the way sister Crystal allows me to write so much better. She's the writer, not me. Psycilocybin is the shaman, I'm not, same thing kind of. All of these things I'm all ready capable of because drugs don't give you a talent or ability you don't all ready have, but merely facilitates the action.
The other thing I was gonna write/type is what I all ready hand wrote at work a few nights ago, pages and pages. The opiates were talking. The sadness was coming. The pages were filled, but have no way to type it on line at work, and by the time I get home, sister Crystal absent and all, I don't have the energy to write like she can,which sucks. That's the main reason I really wanted her to come out tonight. I've missed her. I've got to be extra fucking careful too.