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Mental Health so depressed

mrflowers00

mrflowers00

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
May 23, 2010
Messages
3,697
Location
santa rosa, CA
i hate my life mostly because i choose to overdo my meds in order for them to work properly after 10 years of use my tolerance has gotten so high a doctor would have to be crazy to prescribe what would work for me so i always run out early and go through wds which sucks i just want to die but i can't do that to my loved ones
 
I assume you are taking benzodiazepanes\opiates as people don't usually run out of their Zoloft early. These drugs are great but long-term wise your going to hit a wall. At some point your doctor won't increase your dose, you get some tolerance, and then you got to work on things for yourself. I take benzos daily but I still experience quite a lot of anxiety. By working on some of the underlying issues such as lack of exercise, poor diet, small social network, etc. I have begun to be able to handle things better. Still loads of anxiety but as I go through life I'm getting more used to it and more able to handle things. Its the same with chronic pain. I used to have a problem but through exercise, physical therapy, and a lot of patience I haven't had a problem lately.

Don't be like I was. Don't become a victim to your problems. Conquer that shit. Not trying to be tough on you I know its rough. But if you can't get more meds you got to do something right?
 
mrflowers00 said:
i hate my life mostly because i choose to overdo my meds in order for them to work properly after 10 years of use my tolerance has gotten so high a doctor would have to be crazy to prescribe what would work for me so i always run out early and go through wds which sucks i just want to die but i can't do that to my loved ones
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yeah that cycle sucks, i don't know how to get out of it really. Scripts just keep coming, tolerance gets higher, script runs out, it's like a roller coaster of emotions that no one wants to ride. This time i decided to just DXM myself out of the cycle (dexedrine in my case) and wait for my tolerance to go back down and stick to a normal dose from then on and get high from other things if i really need to. Getting high on your meds never works out for anyone. Seems to be working so far, havent taken much d-amp at all in the last few days and no binges and tolerance is going way down. Not that i recommend it though but sometimes u need to do something different to get yourself out of a rut. whether lifestyle changes or changing meds or both.
 
with me it's dexedrine oxycodone hydromorphone and xanax and they don't work at prescribed doses anymore so i take matters into my own hands idk things might be better if i were dead
 
See if you can taper down so your tolerance is low enough for your meds to last. Do it gradually though, like slow steady progress.

Chin up dude, things will improve sometime.
 
i'm taking a break from my regular drugs/meds i'm getting by on only gabapentin and buprenorphine and today is day three and i'm actually happy but it won't last because i'm in pain anxious and can barely focus being that oxy dilaudid xanax and dexedrine help these problems i don't think i will have the will to stay off don't get me wrong i like being happy but being in pain and dealing with anxiety and ADD is no way to live your life... right?
 
mrflowers00 said:
i'm taking a break from my regular drugs/meds i'm getting by on only gabapentin and buprenorphine and today is day three and i'm actually happy but it won't last because i'm in pain anxious and can barely focus being that oxy dilaudid xanax and dexedrine help these problems i don't think i will have the will to stay off don't get me wrong i like being happy but being in pain and dealing with anxiety and ADD is no way to live your life... right?
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IDK; life>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>pain meds

For me it was a choice b/t the two. Being apathetically numbed into submission daily was great but it killed my active life. When I am old I am def. going to be drugged up though..
 
mrflowers, try to get a prescription for something else. There are new options available for helping people with treatment-resistant depression. NMDA antagonists are now being used with relatively high success rates, and some of them work well for decreasing the cravings for other drugs to boot. You may also respond well to a tricyclic or MAOI.

Please trust me when I say that life can get better if you keep seeking out the answers. (I have been extremely depressed in the past, but have been getting better over time.) Reading books can be a good way to ignore bad feelings. There have been times when all I wanted to do was read, and everything else took too much energy (it's pretty bad when you're too lethargic to even play video games :P).

I wish you all the best, and please, please do not end your life early!
 
i've taken NMDA antagonists and tricyclics and MAOIs could be very dangerous with other drugs i'm prescribed i'm bipolar and schizo and anti psychotics and mood stabilizers like lithium don't really help getting high helps until wds set in idk what to do
 
dexedrine really gives me bad mood swings if i dont take it twice per day spread out by 6-8 hours with consistent doses. I wouldn't mess around with the doses if u have a script, get your tolerance back down and stick to 80mg a day at most if u can and you'll get the reverse tolerance with it going after a while. if you abuse it though it goes to shit.

same goes for most drugs, if you keep their use in moderation and don't chase the high and gain tolerance, you can stabalize on them pretty well - i'm a poly drug addict and that's what works for me to keep me stable, i say fuck being sober really i'd rather not want to kill myself and be stable and functional, so i don't abuse my shit (well i do but i accept the ups and downs i cause myself) or try to escape my problems/demons, i just stay on my reg doses and binge on psychs if i want to get high which sometimes fucks me over especially if leads to stim binges but i even it all out eventually and rinse and repeat. Embrace the cycle i guess and realize it's just the drugs that make you feel like shit and it's not you. Best advice i have from one drug user to the next.

dexedrine probably isn't helping your mental issues, but it may be i don't know, might be worth quitting it at least and sticking to downers or just benzos or just opiates. sometimes nothing else does help, talking it out helps at least a bit.

i'm sure u've tried therapy and shit, are there deeper roots to your issues or are they neurological/chemical for the most part/whole? I personally don't even like to be stable i find it fucking boring, if the highs come with the lows then fuck i'll take the highs and lows.
 
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mrflowers00 said:
i hate my life mostly because i choose to overdo my meds in order for them to work properly after 10 years of use my tolerance has gotten so high a doctor would have to be crazy to prescribe what would work for me so i always run out early and go through wds which sucks i just want to die but i can't do that to my loved ones
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Mate, I cannot stress strongly enough how much it saddens me to think of another human suffering the way you are. If I could take some of your pain I would in a second. No matter how bad things get, no matter how dark things get, NEVER forget those who love you, and those you love. From one depressed person to another, please don't give up hope. I wish I could offer more concrete advice, but depression is such a complex and individualistic affliction. Good luck mate :)
 
it's so touching to have the support of the great BL community i actually feel pretty damn happy right now i've just been IVing bupe for the past week almost and i feel better than i do high most of the time but i'm in pain and anxious and can't focus for shit i just started on the d-amp again two months ago and before then i was on it for about a year when i was 9 but being in pain and anxious and not being able to concentrate makes the job of the addict in me of justifying my use much easier so i guess i have to choose between have a much more consistent happiness vs using to control my medical problems
 
yeah it's a tough line to tow and i often mess it up but so long as you work to gain that balance you can treat your medical issues and still get high enough to function without always blowing through your meds and in withdrawal half the time. It's not the most ideal way to live but striking that balance is certainly a good goal to have if sobriety is just too far off in sight to imagine at this time in your life, i know it is for me and many others. I think this approach is about minimizing harm and maximizing functionality, you can call it rationalization or justification but if you gauge my life by metrics like performance, family life, relationships, friends and overall happiness, it kills always fighting to be sober at least for the last few years and at this time in my life. I do not recommend going this way unless you're already at this point anyway but imo whatever works, works.
 
I am prescribed morphine SR (150mg's a day) and clonazepam (6mg's a day) along with the non abusable meds i am on which are:

Gabapentin Tapered down to 800mg's a day but i am prescribed 3200mg's a day)
Buscopan (Butylscopolamine) (about 30mg's a day)
Lamotrigine (200mg's a day)
Quetiapine (300-400mg's a day)
Bupropion SR (300mg's a day although i sometimes stop taking it when depression is not a problem for me)

I have trigeminal neuralgia as well as bipolar disorder. It's very easy for me to abuse my meds and come up short as it not only helps my physical pain but also mental pain when i am having a depressive or manic episode. I don't run short on my clonazepam as i don't find that it's worth abusing and if i ran out on the dose i am on which is 6mg's a day after being on it about 8 years i would be in big trouble. But i do often come up short on my morphine especially if i am feeling depressed which leeds to withdrawals and worse depression :\ . This often leeds to me getting some dilaudid or another opiate i am not prescribed which i usually IV. So it's a vicious cycle for sure.

I have tried most non opiate painkillers out there for neuropathic pain including carbamazepine, the tricyclic amitriptyline, pregabalin, gabapentin which i'm on now but doesn't really work hence why i am tapering, Divalproex (trade names Epival, Depakote, etc) which i tried for bipolar disorder but it's also used for trigeminal neuralgia like many anti-convulsants, clonazepam, lamotrigine, Cannabis and ketamine. Out of those only ketamine matched morphine in terms of killing pain. Although i do smoke a fair bit of Cannabis and Indica strains of weed and hash certainly help alot. Unfortunately ketamine is only used for anesthesia here in Canada and the medical Marijuana is supposed to be shit and it's nearly impossible to get anyway. I could get Marinol if my doctor bothered to prescribe it to me as it's the only Cannabinoid covered under my insurance. The much better Sativex spray i could get on prescription but i could never afford it. So unless they approve ketamine to treat neuropathic pain in Canada j am stuck with opiates.

It would be worth trying a non opiate painkiller like a tricyclic anti-depressant. I don't know what other meds your on but tricyclics are safe to mix with Lithium. I found amitriptyline to work pretty good and it helped keep my opiate tolerance down. However due to it's cardiotoxicity it might not be a good idea to mix it with Dexedrine. Gabapentin or Lyrica would be fine to mix with the meds you listed and would be worth trying if your pain is neuropathic in origin. I found Dexedrine itself to drastically reduce my tolerance to opiates actually as it does increase the analgesic and euphoric effects of opiates across the board. I think your best option would be to do a taper on the opiates and get your tolerance down abit. I don't know if you smoke it but Cannabis can make that alot less painful and it does help you spare along the opiates. I have been on opiates on and off (mostly on) for about 8 years now i guess and for most of that time it has been morphine SR. A few tolerance breaks i took did help as much as they sucked at the time :\
 
cannabis and other non opioid pain killers didn't help me at all my pain is caused by slipped disks i take gabapentin for muscle spams because typical muscle relaxers don't do much except soma but i have a big problem with soma over the past ten years i've worked out what meds work best for me and i have it down to a pretty good stable state i'm just trying to find something to help with my treatment resistant insomnia which i now use zyprexa for but i fucked up my metabolism so i gained 70lbs and also diabetes and high cholesterol run in my family idk what i can use for sleep
 
mrflowers00 said:
cannabis and other non opioid pain killers didn't help me at all my pain is caused by slipped disks i take gabapentin for muscle spams because typical muscle relaxers don't do much except soma but i have a big problem with soma over the past ten years i've worked out what meds work best for me and i have it down to a pretty good stable state i'm just trying to find something to help with my treatment resistant insomnia which i now use zyprexa for but i fucked up my metabolism so i gained 70lbs and also diabetes and high cholesterol run in my family idk what i can use for sleep
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Have you tried NSAID's such as ibuprofen and naproxyn? When i fucked my back right up once but still had to go to work i found that oxycodone mixed with ibuprofen was the best combo. The muscle relaxant orphenadrine helps muscle spasms abit and it potentiates opiates quite abit and it will also probably help you sleep. It's basically a strong anti-cholinergic which is why it's so sedating. If you haven't tried it it would be worth a go.
 
i take naproxen but it doesn't do much Ibuprofen doesn't do anything except take away headaches anti histamines at least all the ones i've taken didn't do anything for muscle relaxing i just need a tolerance break which i'm working on right now
 
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