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TDS So ashamed, so pathetic.

bennyZA

bennyZA

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 19, 2009
Messages
1,495
Location
A little cutty cove in the Northern Pacific.
I can't stop thinking what I did last night. I had trouble sleep, okay. Got some ambien and some benzo, okay, should take the ambien and save the rest for later. Well 1/2 a bottle of wine, all the ativan 6-8mg, all the flurazapam, 150+ mgs', Then 2 ambiens, and was still on modafinil. Wow. After months of sobriety. After boasting in another thread about how awesome it's been since I was using... I put my self in real risk with that combo.

So now what do I do, what's the point of staying sober if this shit is going to keep happening. I took 2 ativans, that made me want to take everything. I didn't even fall asleep 'till 4. I could have kept most of the pills.

Apparently I have absolutely no self control. None. So I guess this experiment in being clean was a joke.
 
bennyZA said:
So I guess this experiment in being clean was a joke.
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Don't look at that way. You're going to relapse, that's to be expected. I did that the last time I found alprazolam, rationalizing because I'm trying not to drink. So someone comes over with beer, I drink one and cannot stop. So that was 2 no-no's in one night. Yeah I felt guilty the next day. Just have to start over again. Luckily, I don't have many drug using friends because the temptation gets to be too much. Hang in there. <3
 
My people's (family, co-workers, friends, etc) now have a pretty good guess that I'm the druggie in the very conservative, catholic, family. I could not walk straight, my head was spinning, I couldn't put together proper sentences. A lot of my friends know cause I benzo dialed all of them at 2- 3:30am... I think, or so i was told. So yea, stories like that get around quick. I have to deal with these consequences. This is seriously why I shouldn't do drugs. In the last hour I've come to realize that I'm about to go through a world of shit with everyone I know. FUCK

All because of my hidden addiction. My god, if they ever found out everything...
 
First breath take a step back and look at the whole picture:

You were clean okay so you had a slip up, you are only human. Your friends & family love you I'm sure of that. try not to think about it too much you will drive yourself crazy trying to replay everything that you could have should have done differently that night. So do yourself & family a huge favor so you don't have these nights again, get clean and enjoy your sobriety you deserve it.<3
 
Relapse is a part of recovery. It sucks, but it happens. I have done that same thing, including calling people and just knowing that i said something absolutely ridiculous to them... Hating myself the next day... What can you do? You don't have a time machine (if you do have one, come take me back to 2004, please).

When i mess up, i just use it ass a reminder. Hey, that's why I can't get high! Cause i make a complete ass outta myself! Then, continue on with your recovery.

Also, if no one knows, maybe you should tell someone. If feels so good to get this off your chest!

Best of luck to you.
 
I guess I got my karma. In the middle of the day, hours since alcohol or drugs. I got benzo dizzy sat down and immediately throw up on my roommates shit, expensive stuff like antiques. He's chill though, he's a good guy, he know I would have hit up the bathroom if I could have. He knows about the Ativan/Ambien, etc, binge the other day though... This just absolutely horrible. i forgot stuff like this is why quit. I need more willpower. Goddamn, I have 0 control :(
 
No you have all of the control I've always said and I will always stick to this: "It's mind over matter."

I'm not an angel and I've had my slip ups, and I'm in the middle of a slip up right now, I chose my painkiller over my Suboxone treatment last December.

It's coming on a year now that I chose the painkillers over my Suboxone.

I went into my doctors office and he was ready to wright me up another sub script, and I told him no that I was fine. Damn was I lying to him.

I must have had over 50 strong painkillers in my purse. I purposely stoped taking the Sub weeks before. for the purpose of knowing that I would get high that day.

Since then I'm not proud. but I was clean and sober for a while, happiest times of my life.

Yea I slipped up because something terrible happened that month. I got pissed and I couldn't deal with life at the time.

But what I'm saying is were all human and we make mistakes, but drugs never can control you and tell you what to do. If your mind is strong then fuck yea man you kick that shit.
 
This is awful, the people who know it happened wont talk to me, well the people who have an idea are talking, but they're def acting weird. They know what I did was pretty dangerous combo for my first post sober fuck up, I went 0-60. Talk about HR :(. I'm really lucky a fistful of downers and a bunch of alcohol didn't kill me, it was def close though.

GODDAMN BENZO's, man. I saw a post somewhere else where the OP didn't understand why benzo's are bad for sleep. Well, It's the total loss (even more than alcohol) of inhibition, that always gets me: "I shouldn't eat a weeks worth of benzos, oh screw it, I already am messed up cause of the ativan, what could go wrong"...

Now three of my friends who know for sure what I did are looking at me, like wtf, with so much contempt. A couple still talk to me, but they sorta know and are looking at me so weird. Most other people are curious to why I've been so dizzy and acting a fool. I keep chalkin it up to the lack of sleep. My friends and roommate are going to watch everything I do no. They are so disappointed in me. I think I stole some shit too. I'm not sure, cause I was fucked up, but he's missing a ton of random ass stuff here and there. Like his tooth-brush, tooth-paste, remote control for his TV, who would steal that other than a person fucked up, living there. I wonder where all that stuff went. A bunch of molly is gone, I would have known if I had done some though.

He does know that I stole a some of his alcohol when I got drunk last night which is just as disappointing cause alcohol was one of my main problems. I feel like the repercussions have just begun. Why did I do this. I don't really even care that much about other peopl, I want to know why this could possibly happen. Now I feel like if I'm around any drug, I WILL abuse it, no matter what.
 
neversickanymore said:
Hey quit beating yourself up and dust yourself off and identify what lead to this and change it.. this is hard thedawn<3.. your still doing great!!
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I bought some green medicine that keeps bad thoughts and cravings at bay.
smoking crack for me is so inconvenient that it will never be a new thing.
I'm actually a boring citizen now.mostly.
I don have any friends who smoke crack.

hey,nsa,thanx for caring.
 
hey benny.. .. sooo do you know maybe what set this off? was there something specific that happened or hit the spot in letting the little monster come out of the cage?

ambien can be just the snack to get that voice rolling to the "fuck it" beat. it is like you blink and the next thing you know there are no ambien just confusion with crumbs every where.

did this all start off with having a drink?

this shit sucks but you can sift through it.. you knew what was up and you came right to tds to start to process in accepting it, face it and deal with it. that is some good news and shows your intentions. there must be something in the air this week cause the stink bug has been floating around buzzing in peoples ears.

keep your head up benny this is just another chapter in the book, hiccup #9. you are identifying some raw parts of you building on all the other realizations you have currently been seeing.. keep working them and making them into reality. we all know the trip is not pixie sticks and quaaludes!
 
Good new! I'm getting kicked out! When my roommate got home, he wasn't furious about the vomit cause I almost cleaned it all. No, apparently he made a promise to his gf that if I used too many pharmies, or h, or stole anything from him. I was gone. I'm not on the lease. I have no idea what to do. I can stay till I can afford a new place, cause you know, 1000/month (cheapest there is here) is so easy to pay when you don't have a steady job. I don't see the point in not moving in my friends tweaker pad. His apt is absolutley terrible, but he always has H. I'd way, way rather do that than to to a shelter. I'm physically broken so finding a job is going to suck...

<snip>
 
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So this is an interesting situation. My roommate has no problem with me doing what I did, it's just a girlfriend being a bitch.

He said to me: "You'd really think I'd kick you out after managing to be more or less sober for awhile, what kinda fucked up guy do you think I am."

Me: "Ummmm, so I don't have to leave? I thought you made an agreement with your girlfriend."

Him: "Fuck that bitch, I'm not kicking you out for her. I've been waiting for an excuse to break up with her, I think I can roll with this."

So I'm in limbo. I'm pretty sure I don't have to leave, but damn... Play with a guy's emotions would yah!
 
see some good news!! opened up some real conversation and got a major issue and vulnerability out on the table. yeah it came about it a ought right way but maybe that is a good thing in that it makes you more aware of things to keep a lean on. benny this has to feel pretty good considering the roller coaster of emotions you have been riding in the past 24... ..

soooOO what the fuck is up with your your boy's lady friend?? it sounds like she was or is the monkey in the middle! that is a pretty harsh lady to be trying to play things to the point in putting you out while you are making a really big step in addressing your addiction. she obviously does not get it or just does not give a fuck about much more then herself. looks like she might be a medium to strengthen your guy's friendship.. .. crazy how fast things can flip back from upside down.

sounds like you might be having a smile on your face?? glad to hear the sound of you breathing easier and seeing a bit more clearly!!

hope you get some rest and can begin to let go, processing, leave this all behind.. ..
 
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ashamed and pathetic is exactly how I'm feeling I could really use some advice or ideas. Last night I shared and shot up after months of sobriety, I don't even know why I fucking did it but instead of even practicing the most basic harm reduction shit I just went full bore dumb ass mode and shared. I know now that I can never ever do this drug again and now I need to keep my mind off the fact that I may or may not have caught some disease from this person (he of course says hes clean but you can't believe people) I was tested after I had gone through a couple months of sobriety and now I'm back to where I started with anxiety and worry about whether or not I caught something. I don't even have the slightest urge to use again but now I have to wait roughly 3 months before I can get tested for HIV/Hep and I dont know how to keep my mind off of it. Can anyone help or suggest something that I can do to keep my mind off of it until the "window period" for those disease are up? sorry for incoherence my mind is just so fucked right now.
 
even better than that there is a drug that physicians use for accidental pricks.. I would suggest you go get this asap.. go into the er and explain to the dr what you did and ask for the same thing they give to staff incase of a needle prick.. I know who knows what the drug is.. I will pM them this thread.. dont hesitate..


as far as slipping.. dont beet yourself up even a bit.. but what were you doing hanging with some random who is shooting dope?
 
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