So angry it feels like poison.

[zerO_bit]

I would like to prefix this post by saying that I am not usually one to complain, but I am so angry at the moment that I have to vent it somewhere and I don't have my punching bag here. Thanks for reading in advance and sorry if it sounds self-serving/pathetic.

So to give some background, I am a mid-20's male with Ankylosing Spondylitis (disease which affects my lower back/spine causing chronic and prolonged pain) who for the past 5 years has been on either 8-10 x 30/500 Co-Codamol ((Codeine) first year of severe back pain) a day and for the 4 years after the Codeine stopped having much of an effect, I have been on: 50mg (20mg+30mg) MR OxyContin 12 Hour morning+night; 4x 10mg OxyNorm + 4 x 5mg OxyNorm spread throughout the day for a grand total of 160mg Oxycodone every day for 4 years.
At the moment I have just moved to one of the Nordic countries and have no (read: absolutely no chance in hell) access to anything stronger than Paracetamol. So, each month my prescription is mailed over from UK since I am not here permanently but can't just fly back every month to pick up my script. This generally works out fine with maybe a few days of semi-withdrawal due to having to cut my dose right back to make it to the day I receive the slip saying I have a package to pick up, that is easily dealt with.

For the past 2 weeks I have been on a single 30mg and single 10mg morning and night since the person who mails them over didnt think it would be much of a big thing trying to stretch out tablets for 5 days for over 2 weeks... (which pisses me off since they are also in a similar boat and would not tolerate what I have been going through)

My tablets were mailed on Monday afternoon and "usually" they would arrive this afternoon, well the postman has come and gone and no slip... I have 7 x 20mg MR 12 Hour Oxy left to last until Monday afternoon when I get to see if I get a slip then, telling me a package is waiting for me at post office. If it doesnt come on monday then I am officially out of painkillers, in full blown withdrawal, a 10 month old baby girl to parent with my gf and a stomach full of so much anger it feels like a black tar filling up my insides.
I am in a silent rage. I know it probably sounds pathetic but I am so angry. The person who mails my script could have picked them up and mailed them on Saturday but they didn't, for no reason other than not being arsed.

I am never usually an angry person and I hate feeling this way, my stepfather was an exceedingly angry and abusive man and feeling this way just reminds me of him and the environment that it created and I dont want my gf or my daughter to feel even a hint of it.

So angry

 

[J.Wallace]

Hello Zero Bit! Welcome to Bluelight!

First off, I want to congratulate you on posting here. It's a big first step to admit to yourself that you need help. Seeking that help, through posting here, is a blessing in disguise for you, believe me. We are all here to help you and to talk you through this experience.

Your post struck a chord within me in particular because I have gone through a pain killer addiction myself. Though it was due to abuse for recreational reasons, I know the mindset in which you are in having taken these medications for so long. Know right now, the anger you feel has a lot to do with the drugs. Pain killers in general, Opiates, are known to cause irrational anger fits in people who miss doses or are withdrawing. When I would be in withdrawals, I'd be beyond cranky and aggravated. Anything would bother me, it was as though I was trying to find things to be mad at.

I want to say I'm sorry you have to suffer through life with this back pain that requires such medication. Have you tried Yoga? Meditation? Stretching? Exercising? Typical cliche things to ask but things that must be asked nonetheless. Yoga in particular is excellent for physical body pain. Also, Meditation does miracles to the mental spirit and mind. I highly suggest looking in to such things if you are not already fluent in such arts.

Secondly, know that this pain you feel, this anger will all soon pass. Everything comes and goes, thus is the way of life. Everything will come around.

My advice to you, if you find yourself in withdrawals, try to keep your feet soaked in hot water. This helps tremendously with cold sweats. Also, stay occupied. Draw, write, express yourself. Do anything it takes to keep yourself out of your head and in the real world. Stay focused, have goals. Constantly focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, it is always there, no matter how dim, it will always be there, we just have to find it.

Feel free to PM me if you need to speak further. I'm an open book with open ears (A book with ears, interesting!). We are here to help.

Take care Zero Bit, feel better!

 

[opqr]

wishing you well, zero bit. in the immortal words of joe dirt, "keep on keepin on". "lifes a garden, dig it"