Smoking On Your Roof Again

[leiphos]

You’re late for class
so I roll the joint quick.
Its edges bend like lips

and its filter juts
like a curled tongue.
Beneath this wind,

you light it. I stare past
your glowing hair at strands

of a greasy sun tossed
across the horizon.
When we’re high enough,

we ascend to the tip
of the water tower
and the world whirls
in rings. I want to say

Thank You for every time
we’ve stood like this,
at the pinnacle

of something, anything—
when distances blur
and complexity fades.
Even in the subways,

with our eyes wide
and red, we gaze

through floors,
through windows,
through still faces,

and we think of nothing.
To me, Tommy,

it means everything.

 

[doris delay]

of a greasy sun tossed
across the horizon.
When we’re high enough,


would you consider putting 'tossed' on the next line? feels like a bit of a jolt sitting up there with sun, a bit out of place..


nice work, though

 

[leiphos]

I wanted to give the visual feeling of the word "tossed" being literally tossed over the edge of the line. But in terms of suspension of meaning and all, it's doing nothing. Also, I agree, just gut-feeling it seems out-of-place there. Thanks for the close inspection.

 

[katmeow]

I think you could play around with the layout a bit, but I liked this a lot

 

[Mjäll]

I like it, don't know what else to say.

I think you captured something that's been on my mind for a while.

 

[Mehm]

I love the imagery and the painting of time standing still for two people with a connection. The discarding of cares for everyday life and just living in the moment. Beautiful

 

[New]

I love the bombastic nature of everyday you've put across in this.:D

 

[(Wordy)]

Yeah, I really like this.

It seems like you've edited it a bit since first posting? I like its current state.

 

[L O V E L I F E]

This is fantastic.