Long smoking rant
I'm one of those annoying reformed smokers everyone hates

I quit smoking.. well.. about 9 months ago, and it's been a very odd road to staying quit.
I can't
stand the smell - it's disgusting, it makes me want to throw up and I can't believe I ever happily walked around smelling like that, good Lord. I also hate the way it looks - to me it looks dirty, sleazy, unhealthy and revolting, and I hate that I ever looked like that. These are things I would never, ever have thought of or noticed when I was a smoker.
I smoked for about 4 years, mostly a pack a day of 12mg or 16mg, which is quite a lot. I was definitely addicted to the nicotine as well as being addicted to the motions of smoking. If I didn't have a cigarette for an extended period of time (say.. 6 or 8 hours) I got the shakes and started feeling really nervous. If I went to the pub and had no smokes, I was agitated and didn't have a good time. It was sucky. In retrospect, my life revolved around.. well, it sounds very opiate-addict of me, but my life revolved around where my next cigarette was coming from.
I used to steal money from my parents to buy smokes, or make up stories about why I needed money, so I could buy smokes. I started to entertain the thought that I'd be more likely to break into a car to steal cigarettes than money to buy cigarettes. I was going without food because I couldn't afford food
and my cancer sticks.
I've always hated my ex-boyfriend for introducing me to smoking. I'm not saying it was his fault that I kept smoking, but me having my first cigarette certainly had a lot to do with him (and him constantly hassling me to "just have a drag"). If I could go back and change that, I would. I wish I'd never lit up to begin with.
Quitting was a really strange experience for me. I always used cigarettes as a kind of security blanket, because they promoted proper deep and slow breathing, so they relaxed me. I always stressed about how I'd go about quitting without having panic attacks all the time, and was convinced I couldn't do it. Then one day, despite having a few cigarettes in the cupboard, I just didn't have any. When it got to the end of the day I thought "hm. I didn't smoke today. Weird." and from then, I just didn't smoke anymore. It was an incredible mind over matter experience for me - I could tell myself I didn't want to smoke and I actually listened.
That said, I'd classify myself as a "smoker who doesn't smoke". I still have the smoker mindset at times. I still sometimes think I'd like a smoke in the morning when I get up, or after sex, or after a big meal. Sometimes I have really erotic dreams about smoking, and when I wake up I'll crave a smoke for the whole day.
I don't think I'll start smoking again though. It really is a disgusting habit and not one I'd like to start again after quitting for so long. I am sure, though, that if I hadn't had such a good reason to quit, I'd still be smoking, despite how much I've always wanted to quit. It's nasty like that.