Smile

[*Jamison*]

I hate my mind.
Too intense.
Can't keep quiet.
Can't shut up.
Keep on thinking,
Why can't I cry?
Stabbing knives into my heart;
Keep missing.
Hit a vein, artery, anything.
Break the skin,
Hands shaking.
Petrified, yet calm.
Smile.
Look at my flesh,
So soft, so smooth.
Drops of blood
Stains of red.
Take the blade,
Sharp, cool steel.
Shiver as it touches my skin.
Tighten my lips,
Bite my tongue.
Take a deep breath.
Watch as more blood forms.
Push against the blade.
Wild eyes
Adrenaline pumping.
Stab again.
Feel no pain.
Knees go weak, must sit.
Hands shaking more now.
Hold another breath.
Take my arm in hand.
See the vein.
Smile.
The cool blade now warm with sticky blood.
Against my skin I put the knife.
A single tear forms in my left eye.
Falls to my shaking arm.
Mixes with the blood.
More tears now,
My mind races.
Should I turn back?
Let the wounds heal?
Forgive all who've hurt me?
Trust the lies?
Answer with a quick slash of the blade.
No forgiveness.
No more lies.
A gasp escapes my lips.
Close my eyes.
Pain I feel,
None.
Smile.
Drift into an adrenaline high.
Uncontrollable tears.
Never open my eyes again.
See myself drowning in a calm sea.
Letting myself sink.
Sobbing uncontrollably.
Want to scream from the searing pain.
Lie on my bed,
Final thoughts.
To all who have hurt me;
To all who have never cared;
To those who've lied,
Cheated,
Treated me like shit;
To those who I have trusted,
And have shattered all that trust;
To those who pushed me over the edge
And watched me fall:
Fuck you.
You lied,
Told me you loved me,
Told me you cared.
Lied, deceived, hurt.
My life is over now.
I take my final breath.
Blood everywhere.
Mind is done racing.
Impossible to worry anymore.
No more horrible thoughts.
A smile is frozen on my lips.
Finally at peace.
~Jamie
Disclaimer: No, I'm not planning on doing this...this is just how.....overwhelmed I am right now.
[ 16 July 2002: Message edited by: *Jamison* ]

 

[E-girl]

thanks for that disclaimer, you had me worried once agian.
Actually when i first saw the title, I thought happiness finally found you. I had no idea...
Sweetie, if there is one thing i learned in my 23 years on this earth, its that heartache is inescapable to everyone, but that no person is worth of stealing your soul away from you. Guys will come and break your heart, but they are just one little speck in the equation of your life. Live for who you are... a beautiful girl with a wonderful mind and a sincere heart. If someone hurt you that bad, they are not worthy of you, but how will you notice the perfect one when he DOES come, if you dwell on this idiot? And i KNOW i'm not one to talk, cuz i've done the same thing... but we are fortunate enough that we can make the mistakes and pass them on to our friends and children, so that they can avoid making them.
I can't wait, i hold my breath for the day that some wonderful DESERVING guy sweeps you off your feet, and makes all this heartache worth having struggled through. You don't appreciate happiness enough until you've known sadness.

 

[*Jamison*]

You know I always appreciate and love your replies and our talks. This wasn't all about one boy, like a lot have been in the past. Sure, it was about some guy breaking my heart, once again, but it's also about my friends, and how lately, I have no trust for anyone at all. I'm constantly thinking everyone dislikes me. My mind races all the time. My moods jump from happy to sad to angry in less than one minute. I worry constantly about everything. I could spend pages and pages of writing trying to explain everything to everyone, but, the whole trust issue thing comes along and can't share all that much. It's all bottled up inside, which I know is not good, but that's how it has to be...
~Jamie