Yeah thats what I started to think, the hold this stupid drug has on my mind is ridiculous. All it took was one bag to get me into this mess. I'd done coke before but thought it was a waste to buy it, I prefer downers and saw it as a money suck (which it is).
I went to a rave for the first time in months, I can't do the Molly in my area anymore, one of the last times I tried to roll it was straight meth. I had to take a hospital trip and my friend who was a few months clean from Tina relapsed (He's almost 10 months clean now!). We were gonna stay the whole night but I was taking benzos daily and was really groggy so a friend offered me some lines but when the comedown started hitting I started freaking out. I made the stupid decision to buy a bag but the dealer didn't show till the end of the night. So the next day I had an almost full bag. It lasted me two days and I was not planning to get anymore. But it was all I could think about and I told myself I'd just buy one more.
Now only a month later I've dropped to 88 lbs, sold collector items, and had only 4 days where I've succeeded in abstaining from coke. My friends would invite me out but if they were outside it was a no for me. I live in a windy city and couldn't cut up there without fear of losing some. But if they invited me over there's only so many bathroom trips I could take without arousing suspicion.
The only good thing is I've been able to somewhat control my use. I've had days where I went through a gram in a day but also ones where I can make a hg last me 4 days. I want to stop this shit.
Sounds rough mate, I am sorry to hear.
Only way to stop is to cut off all your friends and dealers related to cocaine. I know it's easier said than done but staying in the environment you started your addiction is incredibly hard. You can't heal in the place you got sick. At least it was my case.
When I was into it, I was kind of similar. If I wanted to I would smoke a gram in the night, but then only one big pipe at night would suffice, giving you the illusion you control it but again that's cocaine illusion. one pipe becomes two or three so you actually not controlling anything
The comedown as you said is rough, and many people end up in heroin because of that. I've seen grown ass adults 40+ years old loose everything in a span of one year, weight, house, kids ... Got robbed at gun point in his own place, went on week binges.. Ended up in justice problems, jail and got out recently. Had a regular life before that.
I also know someone in his 60 + that is sober from heroin and cocaine, a real survivor of the era of French Connection smack and Pablo Escobar ether washed coke. It was all IV back in the day, he did it for 20 years. He is 20 years sober now and to make a long story short, I asked him if he thinks or dream about coke sometimes. He answered that yes it happens, briefly but yes. To be honest it depressed me. That's how powerful this shit is.
I dreamed about coke last night. Even just talking about it wakes up stuff in me so I'll stop.
Wish you the best.